<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Keep it Together Patroclus by c0smonaut</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27288109">Keep it Together Patroclus</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/c0smonaut/pseuds/c0smonaut'>c0smonaut</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Iliad - Homer, The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Achilles teaches Patroclus how to flirt, Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, Flirting, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Achilles (Song of Achilles), POV Patroclus, Self-Indulgent, Slow Build, Slow Burn, THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED, Teen Angst, omg they were roommates, slowwwww burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:36:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>114,917</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27288109</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/c0smonaut/pseuds/c0smonaut</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Maybe he’s a pyromaniac.”<br/>“Shut up, Odysseus. I heard his dad’s punishing him. He’s probably a drug addict.”<br/>“Doesn’t strike me as the type.”<br/>“I don’t know Helen, he seems pretty broody to me.”<br/>“Hot, broody and new. He’s probably a vampire.”<br/>“We don’t even know his name.”<br/>“Patroclus.” I chimed in. “It’s Patroclus.”<br/></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Achilles/Deidameia (Song of Achilles), Achilles/Patroclus (Song of Achilles), Achilles/Patroclus of Opus (Ancient Greek Religion &amp; Lore), Briseis &amp; Patroclus (Song of Achilles), Patroclus (Song of Achilles)/Original Male Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>953</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>598</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Incident</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: Homophobia/homophobic slurs</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p><p>The sky was darkening and the rain was hitting my umbrella harshly as I stood next to my father. Most of the guests had already arrived and I was aching to go inside, but alas I knew, if I asked my father, he would make me stay out here for double the time he was planning on forcing me to clasp my numb hand with every politician that invited.</p><p>“Menoetius, hello! Dreadful weather.” Declared a short man with broad shoulders and an even broader smile.</p><p>“Anatole! Well, you know Britain wouldn’t be Britain without rain.” I suppressed the urge to role my eyes, almost everyone had made a comment on the weather (as they always do). “This must be your son, Dorian.” He gestured towards the boy behind Anatole. I felt my mouth go dry as I saw him. <em>Fuck. You can’t make a fool of yourself just because there’s a pretty boy smiling at you</em>. And he really was – pretty, that is – with raven hair and olive-black eyes, a stark contrast to his pale, <em>pale </em>skin.</p><p>“Hello, sir.” His voice was deep for a boy around my age. “Nice to finally meet you, I’ve heard lots about you.”</p><p>“Only good things I hope.” My father had his politicians voice on, amiable, yet sturdy. “This is my son Patroclus.”</p><p>“Ahh yes, the birthday boy.” He gave me a small brown parcel. He, unlike every other who has presented me with a gift, focused his attention on me, his gaze bore into mine with a harsh intensity. The men, however, noticed none of this. They were wrapped up in a conversation on some new policy.</p><p>“Boys!” Anatole boomed suddenly. “I’m sure all this political talk is boring you half to death. Why don’t you go inside and have fun?” My father made a gesture of agreement and Dorian smirked whist dragging me inside.</p><p>OoO</p><p>“Well, this is boring.” Dorian said, surveying our surroundings. He was right; there were more cigars than balloons.</p><p>“Well, I think we both know this party isn’t for me.” I replied, he grunted in understanding. “I’m surprised there’s someone here that isn’t <em>at least </em>30 years older than me. Father usually invites the kids, as an add-on to their parents, but it’s rare they show up.”</p><p>“Yeah, I wasn’t too keen honestly, but father thinks it’ll help me build connections - <em>bla bla bla. </em>And he caught me me stoned on Saturday, so I’m trying to get back in his good books again” If my father caught me stoned I’d have more bruises to attend to, than parties to attend.</p><p>“Stoner? Wouldn’t have guessed it. How old are you?”</p><p>“Fifteen, like you. And no, I’m not a stoner” he rolled his eyes playfully. “But I was drunk and curious.” He shrugged. “Are you disappointed?”</p><p>“Disappointed?”</p><p>“That there’s someone here younger than 45.”</p><p>“Nope.” I smiled at him, “you?”</p><p>“No.” He looked me up and down, I felt blood run to my cheeks.“Not in the slightest. But I would like to be somewhere that didn’t smell like tobacco. Any ideas?”</p><p>“I suppose there aren’t any wrinkled tories in my room.” I said lamely. <em>Your room?? What the fuck Patroclus? </em>Just when I was preparing for Dorian to scowl, he smiled even wider.</p><p>“Let’s go.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>Dorian was browsing through my bookshelves (I was a lonely British teenager with more books than friends. Stereotypical, <em>I know</em>, but what can I say? I appreciate good literature). Until he found what he was looking for: a fancy hardback from my classics section.</p><p>“You’re such a nerd.” Dorian declared, I ignored him. “It’s cute.”</p><p>“What’s that?”</p><p>“Well, Pat, can I call you Pat?” I nodded. “It’s only the best book ever written.”</p><p>“You’ve managed to chose a favourite book? Out of every book in the world?”</p><p>“What like it’s hard?”</p><p>“Are you quoting legally blonde?”</p><p>“Yes, of course. And to answer Elle Wood’s question – no, it’s not; especially when you’ve only <em>voluntarily </em>read 1 book in your life.”</p><p>“And what is this book that managed to get your attention?” Dorian was holding the book behind his back. He moved towards the bed where I was sitting- <em>he’s sitting on my bed! </em>And carefully revealed the title: <em>The Picture of Dorian Gray. </em>I couldn’t help but laugh.</p><p>“You are such a narcissist.” He gave me a look of mock offence and replied:</p><p>“Stop being judgemental. I am not a narcissist <em>or </em>a stoner. But you are definitely the second prettiest boy at this party.” He replied, a smug expression on his face.</p><p>“You’re right.” I conceded. “My dog is the prettiest boy,” he gasped in mock horror, “then it’s me, then Hilarion...”</p><p>“Pat! He’s 77!” I shrugged in response. “And you call me the narcissist.”</p><p>“I’m not the one who read a book solely because it was named after me.” I defended.</p><p>“Ok… you’ve got me there. But I wasn’t disappointed, I mean I was dead confused through most of it. But I sort of just went along with it and <em>damn, </em>that guy was dramatic.”</p><p>“It was part of his charm.”</p><p>“Don’t be fooled by his charm.”</p><p>“Indeed.” We both laughed and I noticed with a sudden shock how close we were sitting. I could feel heat radiating off his body like a steady stream.</p><p>“Patroclus?” His voice, barely a whisper, seemed to echo through my veins. “Have you ever kissed a boy before?”</p><p>“No.” I’ve never kissed <em>anyone</em> before. “Have you?”</p><p>“Yes.” He grinned, as if remembering something. “Would you like to?” I stared dumbly in response; burning with nervousness and uncontrollable excitement. There was a pretty boy – <em>on my bed! </em>– flirting with me.</p><p>“I mean… who wouldn’t want to kiss Hilarion?” <em>For fucks sake Patroclus </em>now <em>is not the time for bad jokes! </em> Dorian snickered and gently shoved me in exasperation.</p><p>“Ok I get it, I’m also weak for his glass eye, constant disdain and homophobic ramblings” -it’s true, Hilarion <em>was </em>extremely homophobic- “but I meant… maybe someone your age? Maybe someone like… me?” Dorian didn’t say this shyly, exuding confidence in every word. <em>He must do this a lot</em>, I realised. I didn’t care. I kissed him.</p><p>I pulled back apprehensively but he followed my movement and placed his lips on mine eagerly. It was messy and a little uncomfortable but that didn’t quell the giddy sensation in my bones.</p><p>It was my first kiss – <em>my first anything –</em> and I was considerably less experienced than the boy in front of me. I was more focused on my inadequacy than the sensation (a pleasant, warm feeling) as I tried to figure out what the fuck I was doing. 

Dorian – who was <em>far</em> more competent – guided my head so that it slotted in nicely by his and kept doing this lovely thing with his chin. Slowly I started to gain confidence, I opened by mouth slightly; as if creating an invitation. Dorian pounced on the opportunity and slid his tongue into my mouth. It was weird; but not unpleasant. Not unpleasant <em>at all. </em></p><p>We stayed like that for a while: a clash of tongues, lips and sometimes teeth (my fault). Gradually, as I grew bolder; Dorian grew keener. The kisses were less controlled and more reckless. This mouth pressed harder against mine as I tried to match his strength. Where my hands were reluctant; his were almost careless. Without warning he started kissing down my neck and stopped when he got to my collarbone, pausing as if in consideration, before attacking the sensitive skin with his mouth.</p><p>“Fuck.” I said, and I could feel Dorian grinning against my neck. He started moving his hands lower, lower, <em>lower. </em></p><p><em>“</em>Patroclus!” My fathers voice smashed me out of my kiss-ridden haze, and caused Dorian’s face to shoot up in bewilderment.</p><p>“Uhh.. h-hi sir.” Dorian managed to say. I knew that if I attempted to speak, my voice would fail me. My father’s face was a deep blood-red, painted with a bone-crunching scowl. I saw his hands straining in tight fists and a vein threatening to burst out of his forehead. I felt myself go rigid in terror; I knew that if Dorian wasn’t here he’d use those fists on me.</p><p>“Dorian.” He wouldn’t even look at me but he bowed his head reluctantly towards Dorian, his voice had lost all the outrage from before. “Care to explain what’s going on?” I was worried that he would say that I pounced on him, but his lips were swollen from someone who’d obviously been kissing for a long time and I’m not strong enough to hold someone against their will (I shudder at the thought).</p><p>“I know what this looks like… sir, but we were just bored downstairs and Patroclus asked me to come here with him, I-I did. One thing led to another…” I thought father was going to be sick “wait no. Not like that. We were just bored. Bored, yes and wanted to have some fun. Wait no. Ugh. We were just messing around and… <em>please, </em>don’t tell my father.” He was flustered and pleading.</p><p>“Well, I’m sure this isn’t your fault Dorian.” My fathers eyes snapped towards mine and I felt a shiver pass through me. “Just two kids messing around. So, I suppose I don’t need to tell your father.” Dorian’s whole body seemed to relax at this statement. “You know… I don’t think either of us” (he was still only directing his words towards Dorian) “need to tell <em>anyone </em>about this little incident. Don’t you agree?” Dorian nodded. He understood; we were politician’s sons after all.</p><p>OoO</p><p>The sky had darkened to black as I sat in on my bed – alone – fiddling with my duvet cover. Father had taken Dorian downstairs afterwards, I was not to follow; I would not be missed. Dorian seemed elated because (in his mind) we’d both gotten away with it unscathed. He thought my father wanted me to stay upstairs to avoid suspicion; I knew better.</p><p>The voices downstairs had stopped and the banging on the steps had started; he was coming. He was suddenly stood in my doorway, this time he was not trying to disguise his anger. My heart was pumping so rapidly I could feel it in my fingertips.</p><p>“Patroclus.” He gave me a look of pure disgust. “You know, I’ve always known that there was something <em>wrong </em>with you; you’ve always been a disappointment.” He’d walked over to my bed, towering over me like a shoe would tower over an ant- just before the foot came down and the ant was squashed. “You’ve always had some sort of mental deformity. You’ve always been a coward.”</p><p>It took everything in me not to hide under the covers. “I just didn’t realise you were a fucking faggot as well.” <em>Keep it together Patroclus. Do </em>not <em>cry! </em>“I mean it doesn’t surprise me, you’re existence seems to just take every form to humiliate me. But to act upon it- IN MY HOUSE!” I jumped slightly at the sudden raise in tone, he sneered at my weakness. “You’re a disgrace. I will not allow you to disgrace me any longer. Pack your things. You’re going to Phthia Academy Monday. So I won’t have to be tortured by your fucking face every day.”</p><p>He spat on me and then stormed out of the room. I felt a lone tear rolling down my face in relief and shock. He hadn’t touched me. I was going to boarding school. </p><p><em>Fuck</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Dorian may or may not come back to cause some tension in later chapters ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Academy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Patroclus arrives at the Phthia Academy and meets a mysterious boy.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p><p>I put the navy blazer over my shoulders and surveyed myself in the mirror: grey trousers, white shirt, navy jumper, a blazer with grey lining (the shirt, jumper and blazer had the school’s emblem stitched into them) and shiny black shoes. I preferred this set than the one I had for my school before; an abominable mix of reds and blues. The uniform wasn’t the problem, it fit well (I had it tailored the day before), but my hair would not be tamed. Messy, dark-brown curls stuck out in every direction and it just got worse the more I hacked at it with a brush.</p><p>I heard a car beep outside: my driver was there. I tried to stifle my nerves and took one last glance at the mirror. I’d grown considerably taller in the past year (that’s one less thing people could ridicule). My hair was still a disaster- the car beeped again- <em>oh well, </em>I thought, <em>it’ll have to do. </em>And made my way down downstairs.</p><p>My father was in the foyer, once I got there he gave me one look over and scoffed.</p><p>“I payed all that money for you to look presentable and you still look like you’ve been dragged through a forest.” It didn’t help that I’d been up all night worrying. “Oh well, I suppose you’re not my problem anymore.” I tried to hold his gaze without cowering. “But at least try not to stain my good name too much.” He gave a gesture of dismissal but I didn’t give any indication of acknowledgment to his words, I just left; dragging my suitcase behind me.</p><p>OoO</p><p>Once we’d drove to the gates I thought we’d be nearly there, I was wrong. The grounds seemed never ending. Once we’d gotten through the forest (which took 20 minutes <em>at least),</em> we had to pass through the numerous tennis courts and old buildings following the same, neat concrete road with planted trees decorating the path. <em>Finally</em> we were by the forest-green lawn that stretched for miles toward the main building. The main building… well, <em>fuck.</em></p><p>To refer to it as just the “main building” seems like a gross understatement. It looked more like a castle than a school, with its limestone bricks, tall windows, stone turrets and triangular roofs. The castle (as I started to refer to it in my head) seemed endless and my worries seemed to fade away as I gazed. It was just so <em>beautiful. </em>The architectural structure made me swoon-</p><p>“Sir, we’ve arrived.” In my haze I failed to notice that we were, in fact, by entrance to the castle. I stepped out of the car hesitantly and that’s when I noticed… how white everyone was.</p><p>I should have seen it coming, it’s an elite school for upper-class children who pay an alarming amount of money for year-round boarding and well-kept lawns. It’d just slipped my mind how <em>white</em> it would be. I was too busy worrying about sticking out because of my social awkwardness and clumsy habits; I hadn’t considered I could be singled out because of my skin tone.</p><p>It’s not surprising. My father is a white politician, and all his friends are also old, white men (mostly) who went to Eton and were all friends at Oxford- our political system is very corrupt.</p><p>I’ve had to grow up with surprised glances when I was introduced as my father’s son. Some people found my presence amusing, describing me as Menoetius’s “exotic” son. Others, however, would scowl at me like I was dirty or just ignore my existence completely. I used to wonder whether my non-whiteness was the reason for my father’s disdain, but he chose to marry my mother; which was absolutely scandalous 15 years ago.</p><p>My mother was brilliant, she was a black women studying politics at Oxford (which was practically unheard of at the time). She was liberal, a stark contrast to my father’s conservative views. <em>I’m going to change the world for you, dear Patroclus. </em>She told me when I was 6; I’m not entirely sure that it wasn’t a dream. I don’t know what she saw in my father and I suppose I’ll never find out: she left us both for an American women named Airlia when I was seven.</p><p>My father wasn’t cruel before mother left, just absent. It didn’t realise how lucky I was.</p><p>Apart from when I was at some political event or one of father’s posh gatherings, my skin hasn’t been much of an issue. I’m light-skinned and some might even describe me as “white passing”, I live in a posh neighbourhood and father always makes me wear branded clothes, therefore I haven’t had many problems with the police. The fact that skin colour has any determination on how you are treated by law enforcement makes me feel sick.</p><p>My old private school was quite multicultural, so I didn’t stand out because of my skin. Some people actually exclaimed that they were jealous of my “naturally-bronze” complexion. Many of the girls would often use fake tan to darken their skin (I’m sure the boys would too- if it was socially acceptable here) to resemble the newest beauty standard (it changes so often, I’m bewildered on how people manage to keep up).</p><p>I’m aware of the unfair advantages I have for being mixed-race. But sometimes I feel out of place, I feel like don’t <em>belong</em> anywhere. I feel too black for the white side of my family and too white for black side of my family (I don’t have much contact with them anymore).</p><p>I’m planning on moving to a diverse city where people won’t look at me like their trying to solve the equation of my race because there’ll be many people who resemble me there. There’ll be people from all over the world with various ethnicities and cultures that I will be able to learn about and understand. I felt a thrill every time I think about it.</p><p>When I surveyed the lawn more carefully I noticed that there are actually a handful of non-white people, and they weren’t all siting in one group; which is a relief (people shouldn’t be grouped my race). The school is mixed-gender, which was seen as <em>very</em> liberal for one of these schools. This gives me hope that they aren’t too behind the rest of society.</p><p>As I walked to the large oak doors to enter the castle I notice a few people are giving me odd stares. I felt bile rise up my throat wondering whether they’re confused by a new boy starting in October or the fact that I don’t resemble most of them. <em>Keep it together Patroclus.</em> I walked inside.</p><p>“H-hello.” I approached the stern looking women at the desk placed to the left of this <em>marvellous </em>foyer. My driver had left me alone with my suitcase to endure this women’s harsh gaze. “I’m Patroclus Menoitiades. I’m- ugh -new.” She lifted her glasses to rest at the bottom of her sharp nose. She started typing something into her computer, she typed fast with a surety I admired.</p><p>“206. You’ll be in this dorm with 5 other boys, until year 11. At which point you’ll be able to share with a roommate of your choosing.” <em>What if I don’t have anyone to pair up with?</em> “Here’s your key and timetable. You will start your classes tomorrow.” She went back to typing on her computer and I urged my feet to walk up the grand staircase.</p><p>OoO</p><p>I had passed the same door (with a sign saying- BEWARE: even pigs would avoid) 3 times already, it was particularly memorable because of the vulgar smell that managed to leak though the crack under the door.</p><p>I’d been looking for room 6 for at least an hour. I <em>was </em>on the second floor at least, but I couldn’t find that blasted room for the life of me. The place was a maze, seemingly designed to mock me. I was aware that there was probably something obvious I hadn’t considered but my legs were aching, my mind was screaming and I felt exhaustion clawing at my skin.</p><p>After passing that door for the fourth time I collapsed on the floor (I had enough self preservation instincts left to collapse a few doors down), my black suitcase landing at my feet. I let my body rest on the cold floor. I put my head in my arms and felt the grip of sleep try to drag me into rest.</p><p>“Lost?” A sudden voice came from above me; annoyed at the interruption and not ready to move I replied:</p><p>“Tired.” My voice was muffled and had an edge of irritation.</p><p>“Well, I’m ever so sorry to interrupt you, <em>sleeping beauty</em>, but I’m pretty sure you’re in the wrong place.” It was a male voice, a pleasant sound laced with amusement.</p><p>“No shit Sherlock.”</p><p>“I don’t like that joke.” He replied candidly. “It annoys me.”</p><p>“You annoy me.” He let out a soft chuckle, his laugh, also pleasant, reminded me of ice cream on a summers day.</p><p>“I could leave you here to rot, doesn’t make a difference to me.” I let out an over-dramatic sigh and heaved myself into a sitting position. That was when I saw the boy in front of me. <em>Fuck.</em></p><p>Never mind the building’s architecture, that boy right there was absolutely swoon worthy. He, still standing up, looked down at me with fascination. He exuded an enviable confidence: his golden hair was tied up in a low messy bun, his deep green eyes seemed to glisten with both mischief and innocence as he leaned on the wall with a comfortable familiarity. “Right, I’ll be off then.” He made his way to leave.</p><p>“Wait!” I called out, he turned around giving me a questioning look with his eye-brows raised to feign bewilderment. “I’m so fucking lost.”</p><p>“And what do you want me to do about it?” He was trying to keep a straight face but I could see the corners of his lips tugging up slightly.</p><p>“Stop being a prat and help me?” I said; my voice filled with exasperation.</p><p>“Rude.” He stepped closer. “Sure I’ll help.” He paused for dramatic affect<em>.</em> “If you say the magic word.”</p><p>“Fuck you.” I’d managed to stand up now, my exhaustion momentarily forgotten.</p><p>“Maybe another time.” I felt the blush creeping up my cheeks.<em> Keep it together Patroclus!</em> I rolled my eyes as if such a joke was beneath me, he’d already started talking again. “And that was two words.”</p><p>“<em>You </em>are two words.” <em>Damn it Patroclus, that didn’t even make sense. </em>I tried to remain composure by holding his gaze.</p><p>“And what two words are they?” I was relieved he’d some sense out of my senseless insult.</p><p>“Obtuse pumpkin-head.” I managed to say with complete seriousness.</p><p>“Well, if that’s the case I’m sure you don’t want my help.” His amusement rung through his words. “And then I suppose you could wait here until a resident, perhaps Heron or Avel? They live in that room over there.” He pointed to the room emitting the vile smell, turned on his heels and started to walk down the corridor.</p><p>“Please.” I whispered. He stopped, but didn’t turn.</p><p>“Sorry, what was that?”</p><p>“<em>Please.</em>” I pleaded louder this time. “Do you want to get on my knees and beg?”</p><p>He turned around grinning like a mad man, not even trying to disguise his smile now (it was a beautiful smile). “That sounds kinky.”</p><p>“Only to you.” I replied, it wasn’t true I’d realised how suggestive it sounded after I said it.</p><p>“Not true. And once again- maybe another time.” He stated gleefully. “But you should probably get to your room before the end of the school day. What year are you in?”</p><p>“Ten.” </p><p>“Me too.” He looked glad. “But you’re definitely in the wrong place. This is where all the older ones live with their roommates,- <em>lucky</em><em> fuckers -</em> You should be in the year 10 boys wing. How’d you end up here?”</p><p>“I’m in 206. I think I got the second floor thing right but I don’t know where room 6 is.” I admitted, the embarrassment reddening my cheeks intensified as he let out a soft chuckle.</p><p>“You should be only the second floor of the north right wing.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“It’s not your fault- old Maeko is on duty, I doubt she would have helped much. She’s brilliant but she has the social awareness of a peanut.” He announced cheerfully causing a slight smile to form on my lips. “C’mon I’ll take you to the <em>right </em>dorm.” This time, as he turned to walk down the hallway, I went with him.</p><p>OoO</p><p>“What’s your room number again?” He’d led me to the correct wing, which looks suspiciously similar to the section it’d just been in: long corridors painted white with oak doors and wooden floors.</p><p>“6.” I replied.</p><p>“Ahh, you’re next door to me then.” He led me further down the corridor and stopped at a door with a whiteboard displaying 6 boys names in red marker, a bronze number 5 hanging under it. “This is my room.”  He pointed to the one next door, which had 5 names written on a white board in blue marker and a bronze number 6 hanging underneath. “That’s yours.”</p><p>“Thanks.” I mumbled whilst turning the key, which unlocked the door with a satisfying click. The open door revealed a large room with three bunk beds.</p><p>“It’s a bit tight- six boys living in one room but they say it builds our teamwork skills.” Pretty boy had come to stand next to be in the doorway. “I think it’s a load of bollocks, I can’t wait for next year where I don’t have to deal with waking up to the smell of Ajax’s socks every morning. A boy needs his privacy.”</p><p>It was my turn to raise my eyebrows suggestively, I knew if I made a snide sexual comment I would go beet-root red and probably have a voice crack. He smiled, amused by my reaction. “And you said I was the dirty-minded one.” He said.</p><p>“I never said that actually.”</p><p>“I was <em>implied.</em>” We walked into the room, which was clearly lived in: there were clothes masking the floor, books thrown carelessly to the side and all the beds were unkept (save one). “You’re lucky.” I looked at pretty boy in confusion. “It may be messy, but it looks as if your roommates are capable of performing basic hygiene. Room 9 has has two people who believe showering is for girls.”</p><p>“That’s ridiculous.” I laughed, surveying my (quite clean) room.</p><p>“They’re ridiculous.” He gestured to the only bed which was made. “I’ll leave you to settle in.” He gave me one last smile and turned to leave.</p><p>I realised with a start that as we’d walked over here we spent the entire time with him explaining to me how the school was run. I’d learned about various teachers, lessons and buildings but I hadn’t learnt his name.</p><p>“Wait!” I called out. He stopped at the doorway and turned around to face me. “What’s your name?”</p><p>“Achilles.”  He replied. <em>Achilles. </em>I liked the sound of it. “What’s yours?”</p><p>“Patroclus.”</p><p>“See you around Patroclus.” He said my name slowly like he was tasting something pleasant for the first time. Then he turned back around and left.</p><p>Pa-tro-clus</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey guys! Please bear in mind that I’m not mixed-race, therefore, Patroclus’s experiences are just based of what I’ve read. If anything I wrote was unrealistic or just completely wrong please let me know so I can amend it :)</p><p>Achilles POV next...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The New Boy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Achilles can’t stop thinking about Patroclus.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Achilles:</strong>
</p><p>I carried on making my way through the corridors I knew so well. A left here, a right there, up these stairs, through this door, another left… usually I’d make up a song with my strides or think up a game that I could play alone: counting how long it took me to get one from one end of a corridor to the other, (I would repeat this until sweat was gleaming on my forehead and my limbs were begging for a break.) I would make up dances; willing my feet to move to beats I’ve made up in my head.</p><p>I liked making up stories to correlate with the dances. One day I’m a prince that’s been kidnapped by an evil witch forced to spend the rest of my days wandering through these endless corridors with no company. The next day <em>I was </em>the witch, wandering the corridors whilst secretly spying on the prince or hatching a diabolical plan.</p><p>Sometimes, I’d create stories that spanned for months: I’d form intricate plot lines, an array of mythical creatures, and each character would have their own song; some would even get their own dance. After one of these stories concluded I would often spend the next month counting doors or racing myself; no fictional company in sight.</p><p>This hobby of mine seemed completely ridiculous to me and if anybody ever caught me I’d be mortified. Nobody would have though, caught me that is, I knew the cleaners schedule and I’d stroll the grounds whilst everybody else was in class (where I should’ve been), I’ve never told anybody about what I did when I skipped class (which is pretty constant) – nobody asked me anymore. I knew everybody has their theories on my mysterious absences, but nobody actually confronted me about it; they were all too scared to offend me.</p><p>Usually I would’ve been filling time doing something like that right then. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t pretending to be sailing the seven seas or fighting in an Arthurian legend. I wasn’t competing with myself. I’m wasn’t dancing or counting windows. I wasn’t wallowing in self pity or singing to the heavens.</p><p>I wasn’t planning to prank Mr Butts by replacing his shampoo with hair remover. I was thinking. Thinking about light brown skin that glows bronze in the light. Thinking about brown eyes- kind as honey. I was thinking about messy curls and careful strides. I was thinking about <em>him.</em></p><p>He was rude to me. It was brilliant. He wasn’t cruel or unkind- but he <em>challenged</em> me. Nobody ever challenged me, no-one tried to put me in my place (no matter how many times I crossed the line).</p><p>I suppose my father scolded me, but even that was rare. A part of me relished in the freedom I had. The freedom to do whatever I felt like, whenever I felt like it, unopposed. I enjoyed having people trying to please me, vying for my attention. I never realised I craved somebody who was frank with me, someone who talked to me like I was just another boy, not Peleus’s golden son,</p><p>The bell rung and I heard the sound of feet shuffling and distant voices approaching. I was on one of the many limestone staircases. I slid down the banister in one smooth motion and made my way to the lawn.</p><p>OoO</p><p>Once I was sitting on the neat, forest-green lawn, it didn’t take long long for a group of people to sit by me, <em>tedious. </em>I didn’t <em>have </em>to spend time with all these people, whose faces may as well been blurred and voices muffled, but I always did.</p><p>I knew thinking of them this way was arrogant of me. That if I listened, <em>actually </em>listened and not just barely acknowledged them I’d probably find someone I genuinely liked. Perhaps someone in this group likes the same music as I, or perhaps one of them would be able to compete with me when I was racing. Perhaps if I listened I would fall head over heels in love with a joke or learn something that sparked an interest in me towards something otherwise foreign. I didn’t have the patience to find out.</p><p>I would be cordial to everyone, personal to no-one. I was notorious for my flirtatious nature, I charmed people as easily as I walked. It often felt like I had an armour created from dazzling smiles and flirty comments. People liked it when I gave them even a little attention. Nobody actually liked <em>me</em> though. I’m not too arrogant to notice the eyes people roll behind my back or see through the false smiles and compliments.</p><p>Today, however, I was even more distant than usual. I couldn’t stop thinking about <em>him. </em>I could not stop thinking about Patroclus.</p><p>“Achilles, do want to borrow my chemistry book to copy-up from today?” Came a high pitched voice from my right. I noted to fluttering eyelashes and that she spoke low, addressing me directly.</p><p>“I’m way too behind to catch up from a book, darling.” Satisfied with the blush painting her cheeks I returned to my thoughts. Patroclus seemed to convey a sense of timidity and self-consciousness from the way way he held himself. Head down, feet dragging behind him, and his shoulders drooped like they were carrying something heavy.</p><p>“Achilles, what do you think of of the new football team this year?” A boy. Red haired. Hopeful tone.</p><p>“I say we could beat the trojans blindfolded this year.” Content with the raucous cheer, I left, once again. I wondered why he was so self conscious. It could be the usual awkwardness brought on by puberty, but this seemed wrong to me. His words were steady and even confident but it was like he was expecting a blow after every one. I felt a surge of anger for anybody who would hurt this stranger. <em>That’s ridiculous Achilles, get a grip.</em></p><p>“I suppose I could tutor you.” Eyelashes flittered once again to my right. “I’m sure I could catch you up if we worked really hard.” She had brown hair and hazel eyes. I think her name was Deidameia </p><p>“Spending all that time with you? The work wouldn’t be the only that’s hard.” I exclaimed. That comment was probably a step too far but I a feel a thrill every time I dance on the edge of appropriateness. She was spluttering and embarrassed but also failing to hide the small smile playing on her lips.</p><p>Perhaps if I payed attention to her I would find out that her personality compliments mine. Maybe she likes arguing about ancient philosophy over pizza late on a Saturday night. And on Sunday we would go to Waitrose and she’d reach for a packet of sweets on a high shelf that a child was unable to obtain; but trying anyways. I wouldn’t have noticed this child’s struggle, but my self absorption wouldn’t matter, because she’d notice. She’s pretty, I realise. Patroclus is pretty too, I remember my breath hitching as he looked up at me.</p><p>He’s beautiful. But I don’t think he knows it, I want him to know it, I want him to realise how beautiful he is. I want to tell him, I want everybody to appreciate it and I want to write songs about how his eyes twinkled after he made me laugh. <em>What the fuck Achilles?You’re ridiculous. </em></p><p>It’s nearly dinner time. Once I arrive there with my groupies, he’d realise who I was. He’s regret that he spoke to me the way he did. He’d try to impress me with false smiles and unyielding agreement to every word I utter. I foolishly feel my heart sink lower in my chest as I think this. <em>Don’t be stupid Achilles, there’s no sane reason that he’ll be any different. You’re just made to be alone; get over it.</em></p><p>I tried to get over it as I winked, smiled and made jokes to those blurry faces.</p><p>OoO</p><p>I told myself I wouldn’t look for him in the dining hall. I failed. There I was at a table, paying no attention to my dinner, all my focus on a lone figure in the corner. He was staring at his food with an intensity that soggy broccoli, quite frankly, did not deserve. <em>Maybe I should talk him? Maybe I should invite him over? </em><em>Stop it Achilles, </em>I thought as my ears perked up at my table’s new conversation topic.</p><p>“I heard he was sent because he’s been kicked out of so many schools, no-one else would take him.”</p><p>“Are you sure? I heard he’s here because he killed a boy.”</p><p>“That doesn’t seem likely.”</p><p>“Maybe he’s a pyromaniac.”</p><p>“Shut up, Odysseus. I heard his dad’s punishing him. He’s probably a drug addict.”</p><p>“Doesn’t strike me as the type.”</p><p>“I don’t know Helen, he seems pretty broody to me.”</p><p>“Hot, broody and new. He’s probably a vampire.”</p><p>On and on these theories spun. I listened with a peaked interest I despised but couldn’t help. I couldn’t care less who was speaking, I didn’t even process it, I was focused solely on <em>what </em>they said..</p><p>“We don’t even know his name.”</p><p>“Patroclus.” I chimed in. “It’s Patroclus.” I wanted them to know his name. <em>Damn it Achilles, it shouldn’t matter to you. </em></p><p><em>“</em>How’d you know that?” I shrugged.</p><p>“I mean <em>look </em>at him.”</p><p>“I am.”</p><p>“Not like that Andromache. I mean… <em>look </em>at him. They probably plucked him out of a troubled school to make our school look good on the newsletter. He probably jumped at the chance to spend time with his betters. Like a fish to to bait.” I felt the blood rise to my ears. <em>This isn’t your fight Achilles, you shouldn’t care. </em>These thoughts were whispers at the back of my head and just as I was about to smash my fist into this cunt’s face a girl a few seats down from me stood up.</p><p>“You’re such a prick Agamemnon.” A girl said. Like patroclus, she wasn’t white. Her skin, however, was considerably darker than his. It was as black as the night sky. “I’m going to go and see whether he’s okay because I don’t think he’s <em>less</em> than anybody on this table.” And with that she was strode off to Patroclus’s table. I felt my anger dwindle, <em>this isn’t your fight Achilles.</em></p><p>“Well…” continued a red-faced Agamemnon “you insult one of them and another flocks to defend him.” He laughed heartily at himself, nobody else did. And then he scoffed at the people who left to follow the girl, sending cruel looks his way.</p><p>From my seat, I watched as the girl walked over to Patroclus’s table, she asked him something I couldn’t hear, this caused him to look up from his food. He nodded timidly and she sat next to him, she said something to him and he offered a small smile in return. She was a beautiful girl, I noticed with a pang, tight black ringlets framing her face and wonderfully plump lips.</p><p><em>It doesn’t matter whether she’s beautiful or not. </em>I told myself, <em>he’ll be just like the others.</em> But he wasn’t. He hasn’t tried to get my attention like most people- <em>especially</em> boys in our year who hope that I’ll like them enough that I’ll ask them to be my roommate in year 11.</p><p>He hadn’t used our previous conversation to try and get close to Peleus’s son. And he probably knows who I am by now, it’s impossible not to notice how people act around me. It kind of felt like he’d been ignoring me. I felt excitement replace the unusual feeling I felt earlier. I was glad. What I felt when I watched him and the girl talk was new to me, I despised it.</p><p>I decided to test my theory by walking over to his table and sitting opposite him. Immediately my presence on the table was acknowledged by people looking up and competing for my attention.</p><p>I heard their voices get louder and their jokes more desperate as time passed. Usually I would give some sort of reaction to satisfy them but I couldn’t. Patroclus hadn’t even looked up, never mind try to impress me. Instead he was in conversation with the girl (of whom I was growing more and more undeserved disdain towards). After my euphoria wore off- <em>he’s ignoring me!</em> I started to feel irritated- <em>he’s ignoring me.</em></p><p>Plates were empty and chatter was dying down. I was still staring at him; although it’d turned more into a scowl.</p><p>“C’mon Patroclus,” the girl - Breseis - stated “I’ll show you around.” He nodded in response and started to follow her out. I stood up without thinking causing my chair to fall. He looked over then, I felt my heart catch. He had a questioning look in his eyes. It was barely a glance before he turned to follow Breseis out of the hall.</p><p>
  <em>I need to get his attention.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey guys, I started the first chapter with nothing more than a slither of an idea, but now I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s spun into sometimes a lot bigger (in my head) so, I’m expecting to write a pretty long fic :) </p><p>Up next: Achilles tries to get Patroclus’s attention.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Peter Pan</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Achilles is a dick, Patroclus is sick of it.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p>
<p>My breaths were were coming out fast and harsh. I felt the mud splatter against my thighs as I ran, dodging the opposing team. I could see the goal in font of me, my feet controlling the ball with a confidence reserved for football. I drew my right foot back, aiming my body towards to net. I saw the goal-keeper prepare to stop it by any means necessary. I struck my foot forward, certain and steady.</p>
<p>I felt a a sudden weight on the back of my shin and my whole body fell to the floor, my back smacking the cold, wet grass. I looked up to see smug green eyes staring down at me, the ball now between <em>his </em>feet. He took it with an agility even the gods would envy.</p>
<p>“Wanker.” I muttered, my head falling back in surrender. He just smirked in response, <em>smirked! Ugh who does he think he is? </em> I willed my body to regain a standing position, despite the bruises forming on my side.</p>
<p>“He’s such a prick.” Breseis had told me. “He likes to play games with people, it’s like he takes some sort of sadistic gratification out of messing with people.” <em>He was just messing with me, pretending to like me.</em> I remember thinking. “Everyone sucks up to him and does whatever he wants because they think that if he likes them they’ll get the same privileges and freedom as he does.” <em>It must be difficult,</em> I thought, <em>to know that people only liked you because of your father.</em></p>
<p>Such thoughts of sympathy had vanquished from my mind as I watched him score a goal, and then another and another… looking back at me every time (as to see if I was paying attention) like he wanted to make it absolutely clear that he was better than me. He took the ball off of everyone else easily and swiftly, but whenever I had it he’d let me keep it long enough to believe I could make a goal, then he’d steal it harshly making sure to trip me up along the way.</p>
<p><em>Why is he being so cruel? </em>Maybe it’s because I don’t give him the same attention as most people. And I <em>won’t. </em>I will not give in to his every whim, he’s a dick. But not <em>everyone </em>does give him this attention. Breseis doesn’t, he doesn’t seem to care about that.</p>
<p>“Ok, that’s time boys.” Mr Butts called from the bench whilst wearing a black puffer coat. “Go and get changed before lunch.” We all walked off one of the 4 football fields (seriously, what school needs <em>4 </em>football fields?!) in our shirts and t-shirts sending envious looks his way.</p>
<p>Achilles had just scored another goal and there were a group of boys surrounding him, patting him on the back and singing his praises. He wasn’t paying any attention to them though. He was still staring at me, as if he was trying to figure something out. I forced my eyes to look away from his,<em> don’t give him the attention he wants, </em>and I made my way over to the changing rooms.</p>
<p>OoO</p>
<p>The changing rooms were atrocious. No matter how much money a school had, the boy’s changing rooms had the smell of sweat and mould woven into their very being. There I was, by my locker in the corner, trying to make myself as small as possible. Achilles, on the other hand, was doing the opposite. He was talking loudly, nonchalantly stripping down to his boxers (<em>don’t even glance Patroclus!) </em>and then proceeding to put his uniform back on slowly. I was sitting on one of the benches packing up my kit as he, on the other side of the room, was bending over to do up his shoelaces. He looked behind him to see a boy: short, stocky, and wide features that were were currently painted a rich shade of red standing in a precarious position behind him.</p>
<p>“Try to keep it in you pants mate, I just managed to get my uniform on and I don’t fancy going through the whole ordeal of getting changed <em>again</em> before lunch. Even for a mediocre fuck.” The locker room had gone dead silent. The boys were shocked, and confused on whether or not they should laugh. On one hand, he was joking about sex; which was cool. On the other hand, he was talking about <em>gay</em> sex, between two boys, in a locker room; which was a lot less cool.</p>
<p>Achilles seemed pleased with this reaction, pleased that he got a reaction that differed from usual. He stood up and walked towards the boy, patted him on the back and chuckled softly. This seemed to spell the boys out of their stupor and they all laughed expectedly and went back to their conversations about nothing. The boy, however, had tears in his eyes and looked like he wanted the world to swallow him whole. Feeling an overwhelming surge of pity for him, and hatred for Achilles, I walked over to the boy.</p>
<p>“Hey.” Achilles head snapped up at the sound of my voice. “C’mon let’s go, he’s a dick.” The boy seemed absolutely mortified by my attempted consultation. I wondered why? <em>It’s because of what you said about Achilles. </em>I inwardly sigh and noticed that the entire locker room had, once again, become devoid of sound. All Eyes were staring either me or Achilles in horror. The boy was working up courage to decline my help and defend Achilles but before he could I felt my body slam into the locker behind me.</p>
<p>Achilles had me pinned against the lockers, we were the same height so his eyes bore straight into mine. I was tempted to go limp- <em>he was so strong.</em> But I was also determined not to give in, so I held my stance as best I could and tried to glare at him as intensely as he was glaring at me.</p>
<p>“What <em>the fuck </em>did you just call me?” He hissed. I could feel his breath on my skin, causing me to involuntarily shiver.</p>
<p>“A dick.” I responded, ignoring the way my cells were begging for more contact. “A big, sloppy- <em>wait. </em>Why are you smiling?!” This caused his smile to drop.</p>
<p>“What? I’m not smiling you blind fuck” His words were stressed, a contrast to his usual carefree manner. I raised my eyebrows at him. “Get that smug look of your face, I could get you a years worth of detention with a few words.”</p>
<p>“Go on then. Go and run crying to daddy because someone bruised your peach of an ego-”</p>
<p>He punched me in the face.</p>
<p>“And now I’ve bruised your peach of a face. It’s only fair.” He whispered in my ear. And when I looked up I was surprised to see regret wash over his features before he stormed out of the room; leaving 30 boys staring dumbly at the door.</p>
<p>OoO</p>
<p>“He’s a prick. He’s a dick. A Wanker. A walking-fuck face. A rotten shit salad. A crusty bitch bucket. He’s all the negative words in existence blended together in a dirty bollocks-ing carrot smoothie.” I said, sat on the lawn pulling at the grass in frustration.</p>
<p>“I agree that he’s a prick.” Breseis stated from my side. “But don’t you think you’re being a tad too dramatic, that not to say I’m not appreciating your <em>interesting </em>insults.”</p>
<p>“You just don’t understand Bre. He’s insufferable. And it’s impossible to be too dramatic: ‘the world’s a stage.’”She looked at me in amusement.</p>
<p>“Are you quoting Shakespeare?” I shrugged in response- I’m pretty sure it’s Shakespeare but it’s from a year 8 drama assignment so who knows what the teacher was on when she wrote those scripts. “It’s just that you don’t seem,” Breseis paused. “I mean it’s true that we’ve only known each other for a few days, you just don’t strike me as a particularly angry person.”</p>
<p>“Usually I’m not. It’s like he unlocks something primal in my that makes me want to chop his head off his body, Henry the VIII stylez.”</p>
<p>“You’re ridiculous.” She shakes her head in fond bewilderment. “Any ideas why he ‘unlocks a primal’ instinct inside of you?” She pokes my chest and giggles.</p>
<p>“I realise that it sounds ridiculous but I’m just being honest.” We were both lying on the grass now, side by side. “When he found me and helped me. I liked him. I thought we could be friends. I <em>wanted </em>to be friends with him. He was the first person to help me and… we got along. The conversation I had with him was great, even though we didn’t know each other, it just <em>fit</em>. I don’t know… it was just <em>nice </em>I guess, then to realise it was just some messed up ploy to entertain himself made me feel like shit. And now it’s even more shit because the knuckle cracker won’t leave me alone.”</p>
<p>Breseis sighed in agreement. “Try not to worry Pat, he’ll get bored soon.” I felt dread rise in my stomach, I didn’t want him to get bored of me.<em> Don’t be silly Patroclus, that’s exactly what you need. </em>I don’t know why I opened up to Breseis so easily but she was like some sort of angel or, more accurately, knight in shining armour; providing me with a friend to talk to and helping me catch up on school work. She’s wonderful. And she has a confident, but kind air around her that makes it easy to relax. I hoped that I was as good a friend to her as she was to me.</p>
<p>OoO</p>
<p>Out of every wonderful part of this school- the overall architecture, the sweet gardens that blossomed for miles by the back of the school, the forest with all its mystery, the high-ceilinged rooms and stone columns, the library was by far the my favourite place.</p>
<p>The school clearly had a lot of pride in its elite collection of first editions and books about every topic one could dream of. I admired them but it was the layout of the library that I relished in. The library, following the example of the other rooms, had high ceilings and books covering every inch of the walls, but I adored the nooks and crannies that were so excluded from the rest of the world. The library was a labyrinth with circular staircases and candle-lit shelves; it was magical.</p>
<p>I liked to go there every day to do some assignment or just find a random topic to learn about. I explored a new section every day trying to figure out it’s paths and sections. Sometimes I would find a part that hadn’t been touched for so long that there was a layer of dust collecting on the nearby sofa or table and chairs. Some people, I knew, despised its chaotic nature, it often seemed impossible to find what you actually needed for an assignment and instead you would end up in a rabbit hole of 18<sup>th</sup> century witchcraft practises; assignment still a blank piece of paper.</p>
<p>I understood why people thought it was messy and pointless but I realised (after much investigating) that there was a system. It was organised in a way that only a person who spent hours uncovering its secrets could decode. It was an intellectual nirvana and I took every chance I could to learn more about its complex system.</p>
<p>That was what I was doing that Thursday night. I’d tucked myself into a particular snug section of the library I found as I was walking though one of the paths and noticed that there was a small gap between two of the shelves. If I hadn’t been browsing that shelf (full of murder mysterious written by a women with T in her last name) I wouldn’t have noticed that the shelves was slightly ajar revealing a small space behind them.</p>
<p>There were pillows placed on the floor, I smiled to myself (<em>wonderful</em>) and long white candles with wax dripping down the side like they’d been cast for some indie horror film. I had done all my homework earlier so I could spend the rest of my free time falling into a library rabbit hole. I had to be back to my dorm before 11, <em>pity</em>, but I still picked out a green hardback to read at random. Surprised, but not disappointed, I realised it was a first edition of Peter Pan.</p>
<p>Apart from my time with Breseis, my days were miserable. People had caught on to the petty feud between Achilles and I: causing most people to avoid me as to not inflict Achilles wrath (ridiculous). As brilliant as Breseis is, she also had many other friends and commitments so she couldn’t spend <em>all</em> her time with me. Even the boys in my dorm seemed to avoid me like piss. Some people even picked on me to try and impress Achilles, most people just ignored me though. A few people who were anti-Achilles seemed to seek me out to try and form some sort of band of Achilles haters; that was even worse.</p>
<p>I opened the book and was surprised to see handwritten notes all throughout the text. The handwriting was a careless scrawl of spiky letters. As I flicked through the book I realised this person had created their own stories next to the original content. The first story was this:</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    
    
  </strong>
</p>
<p>I sat in silence for a minute, digesting what I’d just read. The boy had always been alone, and even though he’d managed to convince himself that he had friends, he still had a slither of doubt that made him check. Had the humans not been able to step on the island because it didn’t exist? If the island didn’t exist, did Peter Pan exist? Did he ever create more friends?</p>
<p>That was when I realised that this well hid corner had no layer of dust lining the pillows and some of the books had been put into piles, as if recently read. <em>Somebody comes here often</em>. Elated with this new piece of information I fished a pen out of my trouser’s pocket. I hesitated before putting ink to paper, feeling bad for the book, but this person had already vandalised the it so I decided to put my questions on paper. I read every story with care, putting the questions in as I thought of them. On and on I read. I read stories both uplifting and terrifying. In one Peter Pan is the villain, in the next one he’s God, taking the children to heaven.</p>
<p>After I finish all the stories my mind is reeling from all these alternate universes. I look down at my watch- 23:45. <em>Fuck. </em>I hastily collected my discarded jumper and prepared to try and sneak back to my dorm, undetected. Leaving the open book behind me.</p>
<p>OoO</p>
<p>I was almost back to my dorm, I was walking down a corridor passing the doors as quietly as I could. One more turn..</p>
<p>“Boo.” Came a playful voice from in front of me, lighting up every cell in my body with anxiety. I punched my fist forward in blind fear but before I could meet flesh somebody had grabbed my arm, stopping the motion. “Steady on superman.”</p>
<p>“Ugh.” I exclaimed, recognising the voice. “Of course it’s <em>you.</em>” I heaved an over over-dramatic dramatic sigh and looked at Achilles in exasperation. His smile dropped comedically fast.</p>
<p>“Why do you hate me” he asked me in complete earnest, dropping my arm.</p>
<p>“Why do I- why do I hate you?” My eyes were wide. “Are you fucking kidding me?”</p>
<p>“No. Why’d you ignore me all the time?” His brow was furrowed.</p>
<p>“Oh my gods, you sound like such a spoiled child.” His frown deepened. “First, you pretended to... I don’t know…  you were the first person who said anything nice to me here, you <em>helped</em> me. I liked you.” He smiled shyly. “Oh don’t fucking smile because then I find out that you were just messing with me-“</p>
<p>“Wait, no Patroclus I wasn’t-“</p>
<p>“Please don’t interrupt me.” If he did, I might have calmed down. But he let me speak, and all the bitterness I’d been harbouring these past days seemed to pour our of me. “After I realised you were just playing a game” he shock his head, “I decided I’d just leave you be. But <em>no</em>. ‘Achilles Pelides’ couldn’t handle anybody not offering to kiss the ground he’d walked on.”</p>
<p>“Id like to see that.”</p>
<p>“And then you wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone. I saw how you were just completely ignorant to everybody around you and it made me want to fucking murder you. Who do you think you are messing with people like that?”</p>
<p>“I don’t mean to-“</p>
<p>“Everywhere I looked… there you were. And when I wouldn’t give you the attention you craved you started targeting me. You’ve tripped me up so many times I’ve lost count. Then I brought you up on being a dick to that poor boy… and you fucking punched me in the face.” He flinched at that. “Because of that everyone realised you have some vendetta against me, which means everybody seems to have a vendetta against me. Even the boys in my dorm ignore me like the plague. I mean Breseis still talks to me, but that brings its own problems because I feel like a burden to her. And life’s pretty shit, <em>you</em> made it shit. That-that’s why I hate you.” I stopped then, breathing heavily.</p>
<p>All the anguish had gone from his eyes, his features contorted in pain. “Look, Patroclus I’m so-“ I was about to push past his apologies to get to my dorm but I felt his hand grab my arm and drag my back down the corridor. He shoved me into a small alcove in the wall, pushing my back up to the cold stone wall with his body. That’s when I hear it… high heels echoing harshly down the corridor.</p>
<p>“How did you-“ He put his his hand to my mouth (it smelt like peaches), a look of warning in his eyes. I heard someone mutter something under her breath, then she turned back around; turning the lights off as she went.</p>
<p>“That was close.” Achilles grip had relaxed, but he was still holding me against the wall.</p>
<p>“How did you know she was coming?” My heart was still hammering in my chest.</p>
<p>“I have wonderful instincts.” He gave me one if those glistening smiles.</p>
<p>“Theory proven. You’re an animal.”</p>
<p>“We’re all animals” he stated matter-of-factory.</p>
<p>“You know what I mean: you belong in a zoo.”</p>
<p>“I don’t like zoos.”</p>
<p>“Me neither.” I paused. “Anyways, thanks for that.”</p>
<p>“No problem. Why were you sneaking back all ninja stylez?”</p>
<p>“I lost track of time.”</p>
<p>“Where were you?”</p>
<p>“In the library.” I muttered with reluctance.</p>
<p>“You’re such a nerd.” He chuckled.</p>
<p>“Right. Are you going to let me go back now?” The proximity to starting to sink in and I was beginning to panic my body would react <em>inappropriately.</em></p>
<p>“Nope.” I looked at him in surprise. <em>Nope? </em>“This way you won’t be able to crawl away from my apologies.” <em>Right of course, what else could he want? Don’t be so gay Patroclus. </em>“Look Patroclus, I really am sorry. I’m a dick. Forgive me?”</p>
<p>“Yes.” He looked at me, his expression filled with hope. “You <em>are</em> a dick. Apology not accepted.” He visibly sagged in disappointment. “Can you let me go now?” <em>I really need you to stop touching me.</em></p>
<p>“That’s was probably a shit apology.” I nodded. “I don’t do that – <em>apologise – </em>very often.” I scoffed in response. “I’m just saying that I really don’t want you to be mad at me, I don’t know why, I just don’t.”</p>
<p>“Right, ok. And?” <em>Please let go of me.</em></p>
<p>“And I think you should let me make it up to you.”</p>
<p>“How?” I asked with renowned interest.</p>
<p>“I saw you on the field. You’re pretty shit.” It’s true, but that doesn’t make it sting less. “Wait, no. that sounded wrong. I mean that you’ve got potential but-“ He looked me up and down (I swear even my ears were blushing). “You’re all skin and bones. But I could change that, I think I should train you.”</p>
<p>“You- what?” I asked, thinking my ears were deceiving me.</p>
<p>“I think I should train you. A few hours every day. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m awesome. You could be to; with my help. Soon, you’ll be the second best player on the team. This school is big on football, no one would dare make fun of you ever again.”</p>
<p>Honestly, it sounded kind of appealing to me. A new skill to work on. Plus I’d always wanted to get involved in some sort of sport- it’ll improve my mental abilities. If more nerds did sports, we’d be unstoppable. The only downfall would be spending all that time with Achilles, although I suppose I could learn to tolerate him. <em>And I need him to let go of me before I do something stupid.</em></p>
<p>“Sure, why not?” Achilles looked surprised that I’d given in so easily.</p>
<p>“Really?” His grin had completely taken control of his features now, it made me want to smile too.</p>
<p>“Sure. Now will you let me go?” He seemed to realise he was still holding on to me and let go quickly.</p>
<p>“Yeah of course.” Now I missed the warmth of his body and I wanted him to grab me again. <em>Why is my body so confusing?</em> I started walking down the hall to my dorm, my feeling dragging behind me.</p>
<p>“And it might help you work through some of those anger issues of yours.” He called down the corridor; sounding like a suburban mother saying something passive aggressive about another mother’s kid. I flagged him in the dark and snuck back into my dorm.</p>
<p>OoO</p>
<p>I spent the next day very similar to all my others: miserable. Achilles said we should start training Monday so he has time to prepare. What he’s preparing for I have no idea. In the evening I went back to my special spot in the library. I told myself that I would try somewhere new every time, but I couldn’t resist visiting it again. I slipped through the gap in the bookcases to find Peter Pan and another book underneath it placed neatly in the middle of the pillows.</p>
<p>I sat down next to them, confused but intrigued. I opened Peter Pan and felt my heart skip as I realised that someone had responded to me.<br/>
</p>
<p>This person had answered every question. Sometimes with only one one sentence, other times with long rant paragraphs (those were my favourites). They’d asked me questions back which I relished in answering. I found my self spending hours pouring through answers and questions and answers… once I’d gotten through the whole book I looked the see which book they had left: Alice in Wonderland. <em>Oh this’ll be good, </em>I thought to myself, a giddy sensation tickling my bones. I opened the book, reading through these stories with an intensity Edward Cullen would envy. And asking questions with a curiosity Alice herself would begrudge.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Heyyyyy! If there are any Americans reading this (I’m British), my heart goes out to you -this situation is such a mess 😳 let’s hope you managed to get that wotsit out of office 🤞🤞<br/>Oh, and I’m not sorry for adding pretentious Peter Pan fan-fiction to this fic ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Wank Wings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Achilles starts Patroclus’s football training.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Achilles used “twp” in this, it’s the Welsh word for “stupid”. I use it quite a lot in English sentences (I’m first language English but I’m from Wales) so I didn’t that realise until I edited it that most people wouldn’t know what it meant- so just letting you know. I thought of changing it but maybe Achilles has Welsh ancestry or just likes to look up insults in old Celtic languages. I feel like he would would randomly insult people in Latin (without actually knowing any Latin) for the drama, he’d probably learn endearment terms in other languages too so he could be extra with his nicknames for Patroclus. Ok this is ranty now lol, enjoy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Achilles:</p><p>“You’re late.” I grumbled from the field. </p><p>“You said to be be here for 4:50.” He shock his head in bewilderment. </p><p>“It’s 4:51.” I told him, grinning. “You’re late.” </p><p>“And you’re a moronic fuck bucket.” He replied.</p><p>“How do you come up with stupid insults so fast.”</p><p>“By not being stupid.”</p><p>“I don’t believe that. You’re as twp as they come, you just know a way to make stupid insults.”  I narrowed my eyes and stepped closer to him. “And I’m gonna find out your stupid secret.” I felt a laugh build up in me, threatening to spill.</p><p>“You’re not qualified to tell people they’re stupid. Mr I only gets Cs because my daddy runs the school.” He retorts with a smug smile on his face.</p><p>“15 laps. Go.” </p><p>“What- I can’t-”</p><p>“No excuses. Start now or you’ll find yourself without a trainer.” My voice was hard with resolve.</p><p>“I fucking hate you.” He spat as he started running reluctantly.</p><p>“The feeling’s mutual” I called after him through a smile. He flagged me and my smile took over all my features. I felt an unfamiliar feeling light up in me when I spoke to this boy; sudden yet strong like tears, and steady yet wild like a waterfall. I was a little bit addicted to this feeling that brought some excitement into my usually numb state. I found myself chasing it, trying to grab his attention. Granted I hadn’t quite mastered the art without pissing him off, but a masochistic part of me enjoyed when he insulted me.</p><p>I sat down on the field and pulled on the grass as I checked my watch to time him. He’d almost passed me for his fourth lap, the consequences of running were starting to take an affect on him. His breaths had started to quicken and his face had become slightly flushed. As he passed me I stuck my hand out to stop him running. As my fingers grabbed his shin he went down with an oomph. </p><p>“What the fuck?” He exclaimed from the ground, not even trying to sit up.</p><p>“I realised I was, perhaps, being a tad to too rash.” He scoffed at that. “You should probably warm up first, so you don’t pull anything.” I exclaimed, looking down at him.</p><p>“Aww look at you, caring about my health.” Sarcasm dripped like honey from his words.</p><p>“You wish. I just don’t want to have to stop seeing you suffer because of an injury.”</p><p>“Maybe you should stop tripping me up then? It fucking hurts.”</p><p>“Stop being a baby.”</p><p>“I’m not.” He finally sat up on the grass, looking at me at eye-level. “I’ll prove it.” </p><p>“How?”</p><p>“I’ll trip you up. See how you like the pain.”</p><p>“Kinky.” I chuckled, enjoying the redness blossoming on his cheeks from my words.</p><p>“Ugh, forget it.” He rolled his eyes. “You’re such a child.” </p><p>“And you need to loosen up. I’m curious now- no ones ever tripped me up before. We’ll try it and then get back to training.” I looked him up and down, he’s so lovely. “You need all the training you can get.”</p><p>“You make it easy to hate you.”</p><p>“Other people would disagree. Anyway, c’mon let’s try this.” I stated, a different branch of that feeling ignited in me as he smiled, I want to make him smile again. I ripped off some fabric from the bottom of my t-shirt and teared that into two small pieces and one large piece. </p><p>“What are you doing?” Patroclus asked, wide-eyed.</p><p>“This one,” I said holding up the long piece, “is for my eyes.” I tied it around my eyes. “And these,” I gestured towards the two smaller pieces, “are for my ears.” </p><p>“Why?” </p><p>“I mean it when I say I’m awesome. You wouldn’t be able to trip me up if I didn’t stifle my senses.” I could hear the grass crunch gently in front of me, he was slowly walking towards me. “Stop trying to sneak up on me. It’s not going to work.”</p><p>“How did you-?”</p><p>“I told you: I’m awesome.” I felt him grab the pieces of my shirt from my hands, his fingers lingering slightly when they made contact with mine. Everything was black but I felt colour course through me as his lithe fingers placed the soft fabric onto my ears. I felt an inexplainable loss when his skin left mine. “Take me down the field.” I whispered. </p><p>I jumped slightly when his hand laid flat on my back, gently leading me forward. I could hear only the wind humming against the grass, our steps sinking into the ground and the heaviness of our breaths; neither of us uttered a word. I realised that I would not allow anybody else to guide me like this, why do I trust him?</p><p>“This should be far enough, I’ll go back to where we were, count to 30 and then start running.” His voice was muffled but I could make out the words.</p><p>“Right, yeah ok. See ya.” I felt more than heard his figure move into the distance. The place where his hand laid on my back now felt cold and bitter. I was aware that he didn’t have to move me over here, he could have just moved forward himself; neither if this would ever acknowledge this fact with words though.</p><p>27, 28, 29, 30… I ran. I tried to dampen my senses even more- just run, Achilles. Don’t try to dodge; don’t think! I knew that I could avoid him easily if I wanted to; I didn’t want to. My surge forward was suddenly interrupted as a gentle hand attached itself to my shin. My back leg was being pushed forward by another force, I did little to fight it. I felt weightless as my body left the ground until I crashed down on to the unforgiving ground. Pain seizing my back and zipping through my ankles as I let out a harsh cry.</p><p>“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” I swore, removing the fabric from my ears and exposing my eyes the blinding light of dawn. I saw an amused face star down at me, I grinned at his beaming face. “Ok, ok I surrender.” He chuckled at me.<br/>
“So… you promise not to trip me up?” </p><p>“Oh no, I can’t promise you that, it would be a lie.” I tell him solemnly.</p><p>“What? Why?” He said, confusion clear on his face as I sat up.</p><p>“Sometimes, when I get angry, I don’t really think about my actions; I just act. I like tripping you up. And I’ve just recently found out that I like getting tripped up.”</p><p>“You what?”</p><p>“I like the pain, it’s refreshing. And it doesn’t hurt at all anymore, so I don’t feel guilty if I’m honest.”</p><p>“You’re impossible.” </p><p>“Look I’m sorry, I can try to stop if you want but I can’t promise anything.” He shook his head at me. “Oh and you can trip me up whenever you feel like it, I got such a thrill out of it.”</p><p>“So you’re telling that you won’t stop punching me because you get some sick gratification out of it and the effects aren’t long-lasting?” </p><p>“Yeah basically. D’you think we can try punching next? No-ones ever punched me before.”</p><p>“That is surprising.” I shoved him playfully in the arm. He gasped in mock hurt.</p><p>“Oh gods save me.” He pleaded. “The great Achilles has wounded me with his mighty strength.” I roll my eyes at him.</p><p>“Come on patty cakes.” He cringes at the nickname. “We should probably try and train a bit before school.” </p><p>“This is coming from the masochist who wastes time having someone trip him up blindfolded.” He deadpans, getting to his feet. </p><p>We did some stretches, his flexibility was abysmal and I took every opportunity to outdo him. Then I made him run laps for two hours to build up his fitness and endurance whilst I made stories, stared at the clouds and yelled at his inadequacy. I received a fair share of Patroclus-insults: truck fucker, rotten shit kabab, grass-licking troglodyte, miasmic dick foot and wank wings were some my favourites. </p><p>At 8:10 I allowed him go to back to his dorm and shower. “You need it.” I said scrunching my nose in disgust.</p><p>“Oh yeah?” He challenged, grinning.</p><p>“Definitely.” His smile grew suddenly as his muddy hands wiped down my shirt whilst he grabbed my torso and pulled me towards rubbing his sweaty forehead down my cheek and across my forehead, his hands then dirtied my hair without caring about knotting it. I let out a not-so-masculine squeal and pushed him off me. </p><p>“You’re disgusting.” I said trying to wipe some of his sweat off my forehead. He’d doubled over in laughter, struggling to breathe. “I should stop training you right now.”</p><p>“You… wouldn’t… dare.” He managed to get out between laughs. He was right, I wouldn’t purposely chose to spend less time with him. </p><p>“Ugh.” I had showered last night and showering again this morning was annoying but still I wanted to laugh with him. “C’mon let’s go, mud man.” </p><p>“Right yeah.” We started walking off of the field to our dorms, side by side. “You know I still think you’re a dick right?” He asked.</p><p>“Yeah.” I replied smiling. “A hairy bitch salad, if I remember correctly?”</p><p>“Yeah.” He grinned back. As we walked I thought about how comfortable he seemed around me. He always seemed so hesitant around everyone else, (which I’d deduced from constant observation) always second-guessing his actions. Maybe it was because he hated me, (although, the hatred had seemed to diminish slightly.) because he doesn’t care what I think about him. He was a very attentive person, always aware of his surroundings, but this seemed heightened with me as he leaned forward during our conversations; smile following every word and eyes following every movement. He was compassionate about most things but when he paid attention to me it was with a raw curiosity that turned my blood to fire. </p><p>Thoughts about Patroclus often wandered through my mind lately, and I let them- allowing myself to attempt to learn more about this boy, to relish in his actions. As we walked we argued and talked and laughed or we said nothing; content with silence. I felt my stomach drop when I released that we’d made it back and I wondered if I imagined the disappointment wash across his face as he realised this too. We said goodbyes, exchanged insults and he was gone. I felt the loss of his presence as the world around me numbed slightly, colours dimming. What is this boy doing to me? I was still more elated than before training, like a side effect of spending time with him, as I went back to my dorm; smiling.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Would you guys prefer shorter chapters (like this) frequently or long chapters (like the last one) infrequently?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Priapus</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Patroclus just wants to understand simple physics whilst Achilles just wants Patroclus to give him the same amount of attention that he gives to simple physics; and Breseis.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p>
<p>“So if body A exerts a force on body B, body B will have a force equal and opposite to that of body A.” Mr Rogers droned in a monotone voice, he was a short old man that looked like he’d rather be licking an elephant’s ear if it meant he didn’t have to teach Newton’s third law to a bunch of tired 15 year olds. “If I were to stand on a skateboard and…”</p>
<p>I heard someone snicker behind me: Achilles. “…and I push somebody else, who weighed the same as I, on a skateboard, what would happen?”</p>
<p>“You’d be hospitalised and we wouldn’t have to sit through this.” Achilles quipped, earning a hoot of laughter from the class. Breseis and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes. Mr Rogers was flustered and stuttering.</p>
<p>“The other person would move forward, but you would also move backward at an equal but opposite force.” Breseis answered over the muttering class, voice strong and steady.</p>
<p>“Correct.” Relief washed over Mr Rogers’ face and I looked at Breseis with fondness. She’s brilliant at physics; maths too.</p>
<p>“Nerd.” Achilles hissed from behind us, Breseis just rolled her eyes but I turned around to glare at him.</p>
<p>“Just because you can’t do simple physics doesn’t mean you have to belittle other people to feel better about yourself.” With that I turned back around and tried to understand the simple physics myself. I felt a light weight hit my head, then another and another until there was a small pile of crumbled up paper at my feet. As much as I despised this waste of paper I would not give him the satisfaction of an argument after he just insulted Breseis.</p>
<p>“Oh no Patroclus,” Breseis said looking down at my book, “you’ve been using the wrong equations.”</p>
<p>“I’m hopeless at physics.” I exclaimed. “There’s no way I’m getting higher than a C at GCSE.”</p>
<p>“A C isn’t bad,” seeing my deflated face she said “c’mon I’ll help you.” She leaned closer and started explaining question 1 when I felt a familiar presence by my side, I refused to look at him and focused intently on the work. “Right, so now try repeat the same steps for question 2.” Breseis said patiently; also ignoring Achilles.</p>
<p>“Patroclus.” Pat-tro-clus.</p>
<p>“No, pat you have to divide by the time.”</p>
<p>“Patroclus.”</p>
<p>“Why?” I moaned, completely lost.</p>
<p>“Ok give me your hand.” I did. “This is is change in velocity,” she wrote a V on my middle finger. “This is time,” she wrote a T on my index finger.</p>
<p>“Patroclus.” I heard hear the impatience in his voice; <em>good</em> I thought.</p>
<p>“And this is acceleration,” she wrote an A on my ring finger. Achilles was fuming beside me, I could feel the presence of his growing anger. “You need to find the acceleration, so put that finger down.” I did, and noticing that I was making a peace sign, I put the peace sign up to my face and poked my tongue out (as if someone was taking a picture) causing Breseis to laugh softly.</p>
<p>“Patroclus.” His anger was seeping through the sound of my name.</p>
<p>Breseis took my brown fingers in her black hand. “You see how your middle finger is longer than your index finger.” I nodded. “That means you divide the time,” she tapped my index finger “by the change in velocity” she tapped my middle finger. “Because they’re the ones left after you put what you need to find down, in this case the acceleration, and you see what you have left. Imagine there’s a line underneath the tip of your middle finger, that’s a divide sign. So that’s why you divide the time from the change in velocity.”</p>
<p>“<em>Patroclus.” </em>I was surprised that he hadn’t hit me yet.</p>
<p><em>“</em>And what if you need to find the change in velocity?” I put my middle finger down and my ring finger back up.</p>
<p>“Then you times the acceleration,” she tapped my ring finger, “by the time” she tapped my index finger.</p>
<p>“Oh my gods Bri! I get it!” I beamed.</p>
<p>“Whoo” she said and pulled me into a hug.</p>
<p>“Patroclus!” He slapped on the back of my head causing me to break away from Breseis and scowl at him. The prick had the audacity to smile in response.</p>
<p>“Oh don’t fucking smile, you can’t just hit someone because they’re not giving you what you want.”</p>
<p>“And what exactly do I want, Patroclus?”</p>
<p>“Attention maybe? You can’t just insult my friend and not expect me to care.”</p>
<p>“Yeah maybe I shouldn’t have done that, but then I came over to apologise and you were too busy flirting with Breseis to notice me.” He was angry and the whole class had become silent, listening in with eager ears.</p>
<p>“Notice you? Oh my gods Achilles you’re such a such a spoiled brat, not everything is about you.”</p>
<p>“Fond of using old insults, aren’t you?”</p>
<p>“Fond of being a spoiled brat, aren’t you?” I stood up so he wouldn’t be looking down at me.</p>
<p>“Fond of being a self-righteous brat, aren’t you?” He stepped closer, I could feel his chest on mine when he inhaled; he was breathing heavier than usual.</p>
<p>“Fond of being such a dick even Zeus would be jealous, aren’t you?”</p>
<p>“Fond of ignoring me for this” he gestured towards a horrified Breseis “slu-” I shoved him forward towards the counter, causing scientific equipment to smash on the floor.</p>
<p>“Don’t you dare.” I spat, trapping him with my body, he was stronger than me, he could have pushed me away but he didn’t. Processing the self-satisfied look on his face I felt anger swell up in me. “Leave Breseis out of this.”</p>
<p>“Aww look at you, Patroclus: knight in shining armour.” He grabbed my arms faster than I could react and swivelled us around. I felt something wild stir in my stomach at this display of strength and it only grew as I felt his breath in my ear. “Save me, oh save me Patroclus.” His voice high and breathy; mimicking a damsel. “I can’t bear to live without you. You and your big-” I was growing  more and more uncomfortable with each word and to trying and combat the heat spreading through my body I used all the strength I possessed to force a surprised Achilles off me.</p>
<p>Mr Rogers had been trying to pull Achilles away but he was no match for Achilles strength and was left looking like he was ready to sell his soul to Hades in exchange for a different job. The whole class had formed a semi-circle to watch us, I felt embarrassment and self-consciousness replace some of the fury and frustration from before. Achilles had no such qualms and seemed to relish in the attention.</p>
<p>“Aren’t you going to fight me like a real Prince Charming?” He said calmly, receiving a chorus of “fight, fight, fight…” from the class. I wanted to; <em>gods</em> did I want to. I wanted to punch that smug smile of his face, I wanted to <em>hurt </em>him like he hurts me. My hands were fists by my sides but the attention of the class dwindled my over-powering anger. I’m not a violent person and (much to my fathers dismay) I’ve always despised the use of aggression to display power and authority.</p>
<p>I knew my morals, but then why did my heart skip faster when Achilles held me so tightly? Why do I want to spend the rest of the lesson wrestling on the floor of a science lab? I looked over to see anguish in Breseis’ eyes and a pleading look in Mr Rogers’ (who was trying to calm down Achilles to no avail).</p>
<p>“Not worth it.” I told Achilles softly and slithered between the group of disappointed students to sit back in my chair. Still humming with anger I felt a feeling of disgust in my bones. I had allowed testosterone to overwhelm common sense, <em>what is he doing to me?</em></p>
<p>“Pussy.” Some of the boys muttered when they walked past me to go back to their chairs, <em>my father would agree with you, </em>I thought. I hadn’t looked at Achilles, but I knew he hadn’t gone back to his seat.</p>
<p>Once the whispers had ceased and Mr Rogers had control over the class he said “Patroclus Menoitiades, go to the head-teacher’s office please.” I stood up from my desk whilst Breseis gave me a pitying look, I tried to give her a reassuring smile in response.</p>
<p>“Why not me?” Achilles complained from my side. I still wouldn’t look at him but I saw the conflicted look on Mr Rogers’ face, “you don’t want me to tell my father that you’re treating students unfairly now do you?”</p>
<p>Mr Rogers looked confused that Achilles wanted to go but seemed to decide the best thing to do was to give in to this strange child’s whim. “Fine, both of you go. I’ll send him an email telling him what happened.” <em>I don’t even know what happened</em>.</p>
<p>I collected my stuff and didn’t wait for Achilles as I stormed out of the room to face his father.</p>
<p>OoO</p>
<p>It took exactly ten seconds of stomping down the corridor for me to realise I hadn’t the slightest clue where Mr Pelides’ office was. This place was a maze of fancy architecture and never ending staircases. Plus I didn’t think I’d have to memorise where the Headteacher’s office was- I’ve never got in trouble at school before. I felt frustration and embarrassment rise up in me when I looked back to see Achilles waiting for me to realise my mistake.</p>
<p>“You’re going the wrong way.” He said gleefully. “Need help?”</p>
<p>“Do you ever stop smiling?” I replied whilst walking over to him begrudgingly.</p>
<p>“Not when you’re involved darling.” He said with a wink, chuckling at the obvious blush of my cheeks.</p>
<p>“Stop doing that.”</p>
<p>“Stop doing what?”</p>
<p>“Saying something witty or funny when I’m mad at you- you were literally just bitching at me.”</p>
<p>“You think I’m witty and funny?” We walked down the corridor passing the endless classrooms trapped behind oak doors.</p>
<p>“You just did it again.”</p>
<p>“Oh yeah.” He considered this for a moment. “Maybe it’s my default mode or <em>maybe </em>I don’t like you being all… mad at me.”</p>
<p>“Then don’t piss me off by being a brat.”</p>
<p>“I’m not very good at that, I haven’t got much self control.” We started walking up a grand limestone staircase.</p>
<p>“Ooo look at Achilles Pelides admitting his faults.”</p>
<p>“If you don’t have many faults it’s easier to recognise the ones you do have.”</p>
<p>“Ahh there he is.” I say condescendingly as he led me into another corridor.</p>
<p>“The only thing I’m not good at his modesty.” I was about to voice my agreement when he said – “and that’s because I’m great at it.” I could help the chuckle that escaped; <em>damn my body for betraying me</em>. In response to his self-satisfied smile I said:</p>
<p>“You’re still a dick, and I’m still mad at you.”</p>
<p>“At least I’m a funny dick.” He doubled over at the bottom of the staircase we were about to climb <em>how many staircases does this place have? </em>“F-funny dick. Dicks tied in sailor knots, dicks that spurt baked beans <em>ew</em> or custard <em>yum </em>or paint <em>messy</em> or- or olives.”</p>
<p>“Oh god.” I said in disgust “please stop talking about dicks.”</p>
<p>“Does it turn you on?”</p>
<p><em>Maybe a little bit.</em> “No, it’s just gross, and putting me off olives.”</p>
<p>“Ok, ok but one last point on funny ducks…” he wheezed, struggling to make it upstairs. “Priapus.”</p>
<p>“Who?”</p>
<p>“Oh you don’t know? You should look him up.”</p>
<p>“I will not.” I declared seeing the mischievous glint in his eyes.</p>
<p>We walked in silence until we got to the top of the staircase and started walking down <em>another </em> corridor. “Why do you dislike my charm? Does it make you scared that you actually like me, even though you feel like you shouldn’t.”</p>
<p><em>Yes. </em>“No. It’s just disconcerting.” We’d stopped at the end of the corridor by an oak door that was larger than the others with a sign saying <strong>‘Headteacher’</strong> in large bronze letters.</p>
<p>“What can I say, I guess I’m unpredictable.” He knocked on the door.</p>
<p>“You’re infuriating.” I paused. “You <em>and</em> your funny dicks.”</p>
<p>He laughed and said “don’t insult my funny dicks- they’re delicate.” When Mr Pelides opened the door.</p>
<p>OoO</p>
<p>My plan for the day: wake up, train, shower, avoid bullies, get ready for school, get through school, do homework, try not to spend to long in the library answering a stranger’s questions because I’m tired and achy, sleep.</p>
<p>Not my plan for the day: sit in front of a broad, bearded headteacher because I lost my temper with a spoilt, unreasonably attractive pretty boy in physics.</p>
<p>“Firstly, Achilles.” He stated to his son; Achilles stared back blankly. “I’m glad you’re attending lessons again,” <em>he didn’t go to lessons before? </em>“But you aren’t going to get your grades up if you spend the entire time picking fights and giving your teachers a heart attack.”</p>
<p>“Aww c’mon dad” Achilles said “you and I both know Bert’s heart attack is long overdue.”</p>
<p>“Achilles this is not a joke,” despite his words he let out a soft chuckle, “and Patroclus” he looked at me and even though his gaze was kind, I wanted the world to eat me whole, “you have a record cleaner than soap, your grades are spectacular” I blushed “so why are you getting into fights a couple weeks after you start.” I found myself unable to speak and my anger for Achilles relit like a flame. I wouldn’t be in this situation if he would just leave me alone, except I didn’t <em>really </em>want him to leave me alone and ahhh; I’m so confused.</p>
<p>“He insulted me.” Achilles jumped in.</p>
<p>“What did he say?” Mr Pelides asked patiently.</p>
<p>Achilles cleared his throat and did his best impression of me whilst saying: “Just because you can’t do simple physics doesn’t mean you have to belittle other people to feel better about yourself.” The headteacher let out a hearty laugh as Achilles glared at him.</p>
<p>“Ok I know my son has a tendency to over-dramatise everything so <em>Patroclus, </em>what happened next?” My palms were sweating but somehow I managed to muster up the courage to speak.</p>
<p>“I turned back around to tried to try understand what was going on. But Achilles wouldn’t leave me alone.” I paused unsure if I was rambling but Mr Pelides gave me a look that said <em>go on</em>. “He keep throwing pieces of paper at me, getting more and more annoyed. Breseis was teaching me-”</p>
<p>“<em>Flirting </em>with you.” Achilles cut in. Mr Pelides raised his eyebrows in amusement but made a gesture for me to carry on.</p>
<p>“She was trying to teach me about acceleration and Achilles kept trying to… I don’t know… get my attention? And then he slapped me and I lost it and we just argued and fought; but also didn’t really fight.” Mr Pelides looked confused and I just blushed deeper when I remembered that feral thrill I felt in my gut when I fought back, when he displayed how strong he actually was. Shame washed over me; <em>what is wrong with you Patroclus? What about your morals? Violence is disgusting. </em>After realising that I wasn’t going to say anything else Mr Pelides said:</p>
<p>“Well I suppose boys will be boys.”<em> Just your daily dose of toxic masculinity, </em>I thought to myself. “But you’ve got to learn to get along with each other.” He sighed; Achilles looked bored. “Patroclus I wanted to see you anyway.” <em>What? why? </em>“The school council are working on a school advert and I thought you would it would be a good opportunity for you to get involved with extra curricular activities.” <em>Oh, right.</em></p>
<p>“What’s this got do with me and Patroclus ‘getting along’?” Achilles asked.</p>
<p>“You need to work on your patience young man.” Achilles rolled his eyes. “Patroclus’ father has emailed me explaining that Patroclus will be unable to go home for Autumn half term next week.” I was happy that I wouldn’t have to face him but the rejection still stung. “There are certain parts of the video that you and Achilles can film during the week.”</p>
<p>“We’re not going home?” Achilles asked his father, surprised.</p>
<p>“I’ll be at a leadership course in London for the week, and I thought a school project would do you some good.”</p>
<p>“So your saying…” Achilles had a mischievous glint in his eyes “that me and Patroclus will have the whole school to ourselves for a week.” He was beaming.</p>
<p>“Well there will be cleaners and Mrs Mellow always stays over the holidays.” Mr Pelides said carefully. “Usually there are a few students that choose to stay here but everyone seems to be going home this year except Patroclus and he’s over 15, so we don’t need additional staff to stay.”</p>
<p>“This is very harsh punishment dad, but I guess I’ll except it.” Achilles words dripped with sarcasm, Mr Pelides rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>“Patroclus, you seem like a sensible boy, make sure Achilles doesn’t get into too much trouble.” <em>Wait what? </em>I looked over to see that Achilles had a scheming smile on his face. <em>Fuck no. </em></p>
<p>“Yes, sir.” I said lamely.</p>
<p>“Ok boys you can go now.” He dismissed us.</p>
<p>OoO</p>
<p>Later, after I had left the library my phone pinged with that satisfying bloop sound it makes when you get a text. Which was odd because, usually, the only notifications I ever receive are from Instagram telling me someone I’m following started a live.</p>
<p>I waited till I got back to my dorm (just before curfew) to open the message. I got changed into an old t-shirt and joggers whilst the other boys ignored me like usual. When I first got here I wore Cotton pyjamas with little koala bears sowed into them, the boys laughed and muttered “that’s so gay” when they saw me. I ignored them and went to sleep but when I woke up in the morning I found myself stripped down to my (thankfully) plain black boxers.</p>
<p>A boy called Agamemnon had torn them into shreds (literally) and told me “you can’t wear shit like that in this room, it’s so <em>gay.</em>” Some boys laughed, some rolled their eyes, I kept my panda pyjamas tucked neatly in the bottom of my bag and now only wear joggers and old t-shirts. Silently mourning the koalas.</p>
<p>I tucked myself into the my duvet and started playing Cage the Elephant as I opened the message, a picture of… <em>good god.</em></p>
<p>
  <strong>Just in case you didn’t look up priapus.</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Achilles?</em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <strong>How’d you know?</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>….</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>What the fuck?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Don’t pretend you don’t love it ;) </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I don’t love it </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Seriously that’s traumatising </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>What were the Greeks on when they came up with this stuff? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Inflated egos, way too much time on their hands and a fascination for dicks.</strong>
</p>
<p>
  
  <em>So everybody in Ancient Greece was exactly like you.</em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Paradise.</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Dystopian horror story.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>How did you get my number?</em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <strong>I’m the head’s son </strong>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>Creepy </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I don’t even like you. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Oi </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Not true.</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Is too.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Well then you’ve got a whole week with someone you don’t like :-/</strong>
</p>
<p>I didn’t reply to that, just stared stunned as ‘Sweetie Little Jean’ played through my AirPods.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Patroclus?</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Yes?</em>
</p>
<p>
  
  <strong>Goodnight.</strong>
</p>
<p>I waited a few minutes before replying:</p>
<p>
  <em>Goodnight Achilles.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So there’s texting in this now ig? What do you guys think about texting in fics?</p>
<p>I just finished A Little Life and idk if any of you have read it but... wow. I’m still sad and honestly a little traumatised (I found it really disturbing). So expect happy moments to come because I’m trying to distance myself from depressing media for my mental health because that book... damn.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. No Homo Tho</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Everyone goes home except Achilles and Patroclus.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: light mentions of abusive parents and Achilles not thinking before he speaks.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Achilles: </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <br/>

</p><p>
  
</p><p>It was early Friday morning and I was at my spot in the library. At the end of year 8 I was obsessed with this place. This obsession happened when I was still going to classes so I couldn’t spend all day, everyday, here, but most of my spare time was filled with the wonder of ink trapped in paper and wrapped in leather. Eventually, my obsession with the library dwindled. The books, however, never bored me. The ability to transport yourself to any marvellous corner of the universe; that’s addictive. I still visited occasionally; usually around  once a week. There’s something therapeutic about writing my stories down: giving ideas a form. I liked the infinitive concept of stories and their never ending possibilities.</p><p>One morning, I came to my corner to find a copy of ‘Peter Pan’ open and on top of a pillow; as if it was thrown hastily. At first I was angry- this was my space, it had been mine alone for 4 years. I picked up the copy and saw that somebody had written questions around the stories. Curiosity numbed my anger, converting it to an uncomfortable hum in the background. I soon found myself immersed in the questions; they were hesitant but amusing. Before I knew it I was spending every morning, before my training with Patroclus, sitting here sending notes to a stranger.</p><p>My life had suddenly become much more electric and I was relishing in my newfound excitement for the world, excitement I’d lost slowly as I grew up. I had been an energetic, smiley child. I was always impressive; always bathing in praise. Not much has changed on that front but my enjoyment for it had shrunk as expectations were thrust upon me. With glory comes pressure. And whilst I adore the glory it became bland after a while, like growing tired of your favourite song because you listened to it too many times: the predictably had become frustrating; but you still enjoyed the song. Everyone knew who I was and what I was, they admired me but I didn’t actually have any real friends.</p><p>After spending half an hour answering on-going conversations about Little Women, I made my way to the field to spend time with Patroclus. I ran to the field, I liked to run whenever I could. I would make Patroclus do laps every day, I needed to get his general fitness up before we could tackle technique. I spotted him walking over to me whilst I was halfway through a spontaneous cartwheel.</p><p>“You’re a demon, an infuriatingly hyper morning demon.” He declared as I landed my cartwheel perfectly.</p><p>“Top o’ the morning to you too.” Patroclus was <em>not </em>a morning person. His eyelids were droopy and he was always extra vicious with me at 5:00am. <em>Nothing 30 laps on a frosty football field couldn’t fix,</em> I thought to myself. “Time to stretch,” I said. Patroclus let out a melodramatic groan but complied.</p><p>OoO</p><p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p><p>The last day before autumn half term had been quite uneventful. School had gone by with no unusual incidents or stressful exams. Only one snide remark of “simp” from a skinny, freckled boy in my biology class when Breseis dropped her pencil and I picked it up for her. After school was over I spent a few hours on the lawn doing homework with Breseis and her friend Penelope.</p><p>My high spirits were amplified by the prospect of spending the week with the room to myself. I could wear whatever I wanted and play a a tv show on my laptop without headphones. <em>Wild</em>. Students were required to stay for dinner because all of the parents (or more likely, nannies/personal drivers) picking up their children would cause an unnecessary traffic jam on the long driveway. So the school had buses take each year group to a separate meeting place in town.</p><p>We were in the dining hall: excitement and anticipation had taken up the place like a virus. Smiles had replaced grunts, more were laughs released than sighs. It was a subtle change, but one I welcomed.</p><p>“Are you doing anything nice, Bri?” Penelope asked whilst waffling her <em>Quorn</em> meatballs and pasta.</p><p>“Me and my family are going to Tokyo.” Breseis replied whilst slowly eating her <em>meat</em> meatballs and pasta. “How about you?”</p><p>“We’re going to our villa in the South of France.” Penelope smiled mischievously. “I’m planning on jumping into the rabbit hole that is French fitties, exclusive bars, petty crime and a fair amount of cross dressing.” She announced chugging her orange juice like vodka.</p><p>“What about your parents?” I asked, amused.</p><p>Her expression seemed to somber at my question. “Oh, they’re going to be working the whole time. They won’t notice if I spend half the holiday passed out on a pavement or reading Harry Potter on a sun-bed; as long as I make dinner for 6:00 and look presentable.” I felt embarrassed at the distaste in her voice, I didn’t mean to upset her. Breseis, ever the knight in shining armour, changed the subject.</p><p>“I’m probably going to the the one reading Harry Potter.” She smiled. ”I’m sorry you’re stuck here Pat, I would say you could come to Tokyo but my parents are meticulous planners.”</p><p>“Oh no it’s alright.” Seeing their pitying looks I continued, “seriously, I’ve got that massive room to myself and Mr Pelides gave me a key to the kitchens. It may not be sunny like Southern France but at least I can binge <em>watch </em>Gilmore Girls and binge <em>eat </em>popcorn.” I blushed then, aware of admitting my inclination towards sappy shows made for teenage girls in front of Penelope. Thankfully she just laughed and said:</p><p>“That sounds fun but aren’t you stuck with Achilles?”</p><p>“You don’t like him?” I asked.</p><p>“Well… he entertains me” she laughed “I like watching how he responds to all the attention he gets and it’s fun to watch his temper flare like deodorant to a flame. Plus he’s nice to look at.” She said nonchalantly causing Breseis to roll her eyes. “Oh come on Bri, you can’t deny it.”</p><p>“I beg to differ.” At Penelope’s eyebrow raise Breseis carried on “I just don’t get the appeal.”</p><p>“Each to their own I suppose.” Penelope sighed finishing the last of her pasta. “You agree with me though, right Pat?”</p><p>“Um, I- ugh,”</p><p>“Aww c’mon” Penelope interrupted my stuttering, “I won’t think you’re any less of a “man” if you can appreciate another “man’s” aesthetic appeal.” She was both exasperated and entertained.</p><p>“Then yeah, I- ugh- I get it.” I said, my face an embarrassing shade of red. I tried to hide it by taking a drink of my orange juice.</p><p>“But I can imagine that he’ll be <em>a lot</em> to deal with.”</p><p>The blush of my cheeks had reduced slightly as I said “I’m planning on ignoring him.”</p><p>“Like you’re any good at that.” Breseis smiled at me playfully.</p><p>“Oi, Bri I’m trying, but he’s always just <em>there.</em>” <em>And I don’t really want to ignore him.</em></p><p>“Yeah he does seem to have some sort of infatuation with you.” Breseis speculated, and I started choking on my orange juice.</p><p>“Yeah I’ve noticed that too.” Penelope commented whilst Breseis was smacking me on the back. “He never even used to come to class before you showed up.”</p><p>“He does not have an <em>infatuation </em>with me.” I declared after recovering from my choking episode, at Breseis and Penelope’s amused glasses I said: “can we change the subject please? I have to put up with him all week.”</p><p>Thankfully, the girls started talking about who is most likely to win the Hunger Games out of the school’s faculty. I glanced up to catch Achilles staring straight at me, <em>fuck. Did he see me chocking? </em>He looked away fast. This wasn’t surprising: we had sort of created a game. With the unspoken rules that if I stared at Achilles and he noticed, he won and vice versa. The aim was to stare at the other without them catching you. And no matter how many times I told myself I wouldn’t give in -that I wouldn’t look to see if he was looking at me or risk looking at him- I always did.</p><p>“Patroclus.” Breseis snapped her fingers in my face. “Stop staring at Achilles and say goodbye.” In my Achilles-fuelled haze I’d failed to notice how everyone was getting out of their seats to collect their bags from reception to leave.</p><p>“Sorry.” I said awkwardly.</p><p>“Bye Breseis, bye Patroclus.” Penelope spoke quickly, rushing to catch-up with some girl with blonde hair (Helen, I think) who was leaving the table next to ours.</p><p>Breseis still sat next to me, looking a little bit sheepish.</p><p>“Bri, are you-?”</p><p>“I’llmissyou.” She said in one breath. A warm feeling crept up my body, no one had ever said that to me before.</p><p>“I’ll miss you too.” I replied smiling widely. She let out a sigh of relief and pulled me into a hug. I liked hugging Breseis, she was soft and smelled like jasmine. She held the hug for longer than necessary and when she finally let go her cheeks had a soft pink tone. Mostly everybody had left the dining hall now and the quietness seemed to create and air of awkwardness that I’d never felt around Breseis before.</p><p>“Right, ugh, bye then.” She broke the silence;  but not the awkwardness.</p><p>“See you soon.” I called after her but she was already out of the door. I blinked a few times in bewilderment. <em>What was that? </em>I quickly snapped out of my confused state when I turned around to see Achilles glaring at me. He was red-faced and it appeared he was using all his self control to stay still.</p><p>I looked away from the sight that was causing my stomach to flip like a gymnast. I walked awkwardly out of the hall, feeling the heat of his eyes on me to the entire time.</p><p>OoO</p><p>It was half past five when I arrived back to my room, feeling confused and happy and frustrated which had turned my brain into discombobulated fudge. <em>Nothing a relaxing evening with popcorn and fluffy blankets couldn’t help fix</em>, I thought to myself feeling a thrill of excitement swell up in my heart.</p><p>Eeeeek. </p><p>Even though I was always alone I was rarely able to have fun. My father would occasionally come into my room to check I wasn’t doing anything improper. I don’t mean watching porn or doing drugs. Is that what people say: “doing” drugs? Getting high? Visiting kite land? Eating snow? Don’t show your grandmother these brownies? Scones? No I’m pretty sure got ‘scones’ from an episode of “Derry Girls”.</p><p>He would check to make sure I wasn’t doing anything ‘queer’ and I mean that in the traditional sense of the word (although I think he had his suspicions). I had to keep my room meticulously tidy and make sure I was always presentable. “If you don’t speak perhaps people won’t notice how much of a pussy you are.” Father told me after he bought a bunch of new branded clothes because of a recent growth spurt at 13.</p><p>I would still do things I enjoyed and it was ok most of the time; he didn’t pay much attention to me if I made myself as small as possible and had good grades (although he’d much rather I joined the rugby team). It meant I had to watch shows like “Derry Girls” with headphones when he was there and keep my tastes plain and proper. Head down, short sentences, complete respect. Still a failure.</p><p>And some days he would come into my room craving a fight, he was usually drunk. The blunt smell of whiskey, sour when he shouted. The bitter taste of nicotine that clung to the grey hair of his beard and the fine fibres of his suit, bitter as he hit me.</p><p>I think he despised that I wouldn’t fight back. I was angry, yes; but more so when I was younger with my high pitch cries and skinny fists straining in blind, terrified fury. I have never hit him and, luckily, he usually didn’t hit me, it was mostly verbal. I think he treated making me feel small as a sort of therapy, a way to vent out his rage.</p><p>He’d always find ways to make it my fault if he or I brought it up- “you’re so immature.” “You’ll understand when your older.” “Do you know how much I do for you? and this is how you repay me.” “I should dump you in the streets, do you not understand how lucky you are?” “Stop whining.” “Stop looking for attention.”</p><p>And maybe he was right. Maybe I was being selfish and immature. Maybe my head was making it out to be worse than it was. I was lucky.</p><p>Eventually I grew numb to to shouting, desensitised to bottles smashing and barely winced if he hit me. Through time I learned to take myself somewhere else when I realised he was drunk and hated me more than usual. I would wait until he left, my head down and my heart hammering before I cried into my pillow feeling like a complete disappointment.</p><p>I wasn’t unhappy, I had a few friends (although I might be stretching the word ‘friends’) in school and I was incredibly privileged with my fancy house and my fancy clothes and my fancy books and I never had to worry about where my next meal was coming from or if I could afford to go on a school trip. My father was a very busy man so he often came back late so I wouldn’t have to deal with him.</p><p>I would spend my time reading or going on walks or helping the chef prepare dinner. Plus father had become less violent in recent years; but more disgusted by my presence, like the sight of me just reminded him of everything he detested.</p><p>But a week with no father, or snotty kids, or exams in a place with two swimming pools and and unlimited access to food. Yayyyyyy. I fished through my bag for my panda pyjamas. My dad hadn’t bought me these (obviously), I found them in a corner shop run by long-haired hippies.</p><p>I’d gone food shopping for Chloë (our chef) because I enjoyed doing menial labour like shopping for potatoes ones or peeling said potatoes. The monotonous movements and clear, simple purpose of such tasks never failed to make feel calm. My father would have had my head if he found out I spent my time helping Chloë. He’d tell me something like: “You’re my son, not the help. Start acting it you fucking pussy.”</p><p>I had put my bike down beside the shop and found myself embraced by cinnamon joss-sticks, Indian tapestries and every variation of a Buddha statue that one can imagine. There was something soothing about the shop that drew me in. I found two pair of cotton pyjamas with little animal prints that were so adorable I couldn’t resist buying them, and my father would hardly notice £40 gone from my bank (It felt like a small rebellion at the time: spending his money on something he wouldn’t approve of).</p><p>I kept them for the nights he’d go on weekend trips away, although I still had to keep myself composed (my fathers assistant stayed downstairs in his office during the day- he would tell my father if I did anything ‘queer’, but he would never come up to my room).</p><p>I shouldn’t have tried to wear them in Phthia, but part of me wanted to prove to myself that they weren’t weird: I wasn’t a freak and nobody actually cared what pyjamas I wanted to wear. I was wrong and now my koala bear pyjamas are in shreds in a bin. Kids can be dickish, just like fathers.</p><p>But now I wore the other pair and relished in their soft panda-wonderfulness. I opened my MacBook (which <em>was </em>socially acceptable) and played “alt-j” on YouTube. I wrapped my blanket around me like a burrito and sprawled myself on in the middle of the floor whilst “Matilda” played through my speakers: <em>wild. </em>I thought about whether or not it was possible to live in a world when everything was made out of marshmallows (spoiler: I’d make it possible.)</p><p>I would try to get all of my homework completed this weekend so I won’t have to worry about it over the week. And I had just about mustered up the courage to find my PE book when I heard a melody being knocked into my door rather aggressively. <em>Ughhhh.</em></p><p>It could be Miss Mellow, but Achilles had made it clear that she wasn’t going to care what we were up to and the cleaners came in the mornings, which only left one option. One of the reasons why my brain decided to think about marshmallow teacups instead of my issues. <em>Oh well, at least he knocked.</em></p><p>“Come in.” I called out begrudgingly whilst ‘breezeblocks’ was playing in the background.</p><p>The door opened to reveal the beautiful pain in my arse that is Achilles Pelides. All long legs and sleeves rolled up in casual god-like fashion. “Well, isn’t this nice’n’cozy.” He said.</p><p>“It was until you showed up.” To prove my point I uncurled myself from my blanket burrito.</p><p>“Stop lying-” he stopped talking when he saw my pyjamas, his eyes opened wider and his mouth was doing a pouty lopsided smile. “Gods, you’re <em>so</em> adorable.” Now <em>my</em> eyes widened and… <em>oh, </em>the blush was back. “Have you got another pair?” His face was brimming with hope.</p><p>“Um, I- no sorry. I mean I had two pairs but then the other boys… well- argh. No. I don’t have another pair.”</p><p>“What did the other boys do?” He’d walked over to be and sat next to my on the floor. I had my knees pulled up to my chest but he sat languidly, resting on his hands.</p><p>“Oh nothing, don’t worry.”</p><p>“<em>Patroclus.”</em> He voice was stern and I let out an involuntary shiver.</p><p>“They didn’t like them so they- I say ‘they’ but I mostly mean Agamemnon- he stripped me when I was sleeping, I suppose I’m a very deep sleeper, and tore them up.” I shrugged a bit pathetically. “No big deal.”</p><p>Despite my attempt at nonchalance, Achilles had a murderous glint in his eyes “I’m going to kill him.”</p><p>“Woah there Mr ‘I’m going to kill a 15 year old for tearing up some pyjamas.’ Calm down.” He looked at me, and his glare was so intense part of me wanted to look away.</p><p>“He hurt you.”</p><p>“No, Achilles he didn’t. I’ve just got one less pair of pyjamas. Seriously it’s fine.” I gave him a look that said ‘please drop it’.</p><p>He sighed. “<em>Fine. </em>I suppose I’ll just have to walk around in my underwear. I can’t just wear normal pyjamas with you looking like <em>that.</em> I’ll feel wildly inferior, my masculinity can’t take that.”</p><p>“Your masculinity can’t take <em>not </em>wearing koala bear pyjamas? I didn’t realise this masculinity thing was so sweet, maybe I should get some.”</p><p>“Oh you should definitely <em>get some, </em>maybe you’d be less red than you are <em>right now</em> or whenever I say anything mildly sexual.”</p><p>“You’re ridiculous.”</p><p>“I suppose my abs could have a chance at making me feel slightly less inferior to you.” He considered this. “Nope. Not even my sexy figure could compete with you in those pyjamas. Although, I’m not completely opposed to feeling inferior to you.” He said completely seriously.</p><p>“Did you just refer to your own figure as sexy?” I was leaning on a bed now.</p><p>“I don’t lie Patroclus.” He smiled suggestively.  “My ego is, admittedly, higher than average.” <em>Did he just brag about how how big his ego is? </em>“But not without reason. Also, don’t fret. I’m sure you have a sexy figure too.”</p><p>“I really don’t.” He’d come to lean beside me on the bed.</p><p>“Im pretty sure that’s not true.” I just rolled my eyes in response. “Can I see it?” He said.</p><p>“What?!”</p><p>“Strip out of those darling pyjamas? Then I’ll know whether you’ve got a sexy figure too.” I looked at him confused- <em>oh my gods, he’s serious!</em></p><p>“No way. You’re such a perve.”</p><p>“I didn’t mean strip in a gay way.”</p><p>“Right…?”</p><p>“No homo bro.”</p><p>“I think I’m going to be sick.” My laugh had betrayed my attempt at seriousness.</p><p>“I just meant like…” he thought about it “I wanna see in like a guys way.”</p><p>“What are you on about?” Somehow YouTube had started playing songs from the early 2000s.</p><p>“Curiosity. You know… comparison and whatnot.” He shrugged but he had a slight tinge of pink to his cheeks.</p><p>“You told me to strip for you.”</p><p>“I have no control over what I say.” I raised my eyebrows at him. “What?! It could be fun.”</p><p>“<em>A strip tease in a room with just the two of us.</em> Achilles, are you hearing yourself?”</p><p>“After I say it… yes.” I let out a soft chuckle. “No homo though.”</p><p>“Right… of course.” We sat in silence whilst ‘tiktok’ by Kesha played in the background.</p><p>“Maybe we should compare dick sizes.” Achilles blurted out.</p><p>“Achilles, what the fuck?”</p><p>“It’s just” he did that thing where he stops in the middle of sentence to think, “you get all embarrassed so easily and even though I think it’s really cute” <em>he needs to stop offhandedly complimenting me before I explode, “</em>It would be good for you to be a bit more… confident.”</p><p>“Have you got a tiny dick or something?”<em> I can’t believe I just said that.</em></p><p>Achilles had become quite flustered. “<em>I have not!” </em>I realised that I liked making him flustered.</p><p>“Woah, Achilles I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just that you were implying that you could increase my confidence with a dick measuring contest.”</p><p>“That was just a ridiculous thing I said without thinking: they were completely unrelated statements.” He huffed.</p><p>“Right ok.” I was about to explode into a fit of giggles.</p><p>After a few seconds of ‘story of my life’ by One Direction playing softly through my speakers, Achilles stood up abruptly and said: “I’ll prove it.” Ok the laughter was gone. He started undo his trouser buttons.</p><p>“Ahhh, Achilles no!” In an intense moment of gay panic I managed to move faster than I’d ever moved to grab Achilles’s arms. “I believe you.”</p><p>He stopped and looked at me suspiciously “you do?”</p><p>“Yes. Now will you please put your dick away?”</p><p>“Fine.” He said , still eyeing me suspiciously. “But only because you look like you’re about to have a mental breakdown.” I slumped back down by my bed in relief.</p><p>“Buttons too.”</p><p>“<em>Prude.</em>”</p><p>“Imposter.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Get out of my room, I’m gonna do my homework and then watch tv. Alone<em>.</em>”</p><p>“What? No Patroclusssssss! You can’t leave me.”</p><p>“Actually you’ll be leaving me. Goodbye.” He made no gesture to move as I placed my PE book on a desk.</p><p>“You do your homework a week before it’s due?” He asked, shocked.</p><p>“Better than worrying about it all week.”</p><p>“I don’t really do that: worry. Especially about schoolwork. I do my homework the night before, and that’s if I do it at all.”</p><p>“You really should be doing your homework Achilles.”</p><p>“But I don’t have the patience.”</p><p>“Ok… I won’t make you leave, if you do your homework. And if you stop working, you leave.”</p><p>He’d become a little embarrassed “I’m very behind.”</p><p>“I’ll help you.”</p><p>“Then it’s a deal.” On his way to the door he said “and <em>then </em>you’ll strip for me right?”</p><p>“Just go and get your homework.” I said, laughing.</p><p>He went to get his stuff, and I was suddenly so overwhelmingly happy and comfortable I was somehow even more excited for the week.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The chapter titles started off seriously but now I just take a random phrase from the chapter and go along with it hehe. Hope you enjoyed :) They’re going to start to get to know each other a bit better now.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Touché</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“What are you going to put on yours?” I asked.</p><p>“I usually have them plain or with a little bit of sugar.” He shrugged.</p><p>“Ohmigods Patroclus no!” He snickered a little at my outburst. “I am not joking you twat.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>A lot of homer-erotic pancake eating ;)</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I’ve got a beta reader now, so there shouldn’t be many mistakes &lt;3</p><p>Hold on to your hats kids, this one is cuteeee.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p><p>“Patroclus. <em>Patroclus.” </em>Someone was shaking me. “Wake up.”</p><p>I made a sound that sounded a bit like “ughrmph.”</p><p>“C’mon sleepy head.” There was a face so close to mine I could feel his words hot on my face when he spoke. “I’ve been waiting for an hour.”</p><p>“I don’t wanna.” I couldn’t bear to open my eyes, sleep had it’s claws dug onto my brain and was trying to drag me back to bliss.</p><p>“Patroclus.” Pat-tro-clus.</p><p>“5 more minutes Achilles.” I drawled.</p><p>“Aww Patroclus c’mon, I’m hungry.”</p><p>“<em>Please.”</em></p><p>He sighed “fine.” He sounded more amused than annoyed. I let myself be pulled back into to the abyss of sleep, <em>yay.</em></p><p>Suddenly I felt something soft brush my chin, a finger I think, hesitantly wiping something of my chin. As it brushed my lip, I shot up; Achilles was snickering.</p><p>“Achilles, ugh, what are you doing?” I narrowed my eyes at him. He was quite a sight: shirt rumpled, tie loose, top buttons undone and his hair was defying gravity. <em>Fuck</em>.</p><p>“You had drool” he pointed to the right of his lip and chin, “right here.” He was sitting on the desk next to mine.</p><p>“Arghh that’s so embarrassing.” I put my head in my arms.</p><p>“No need to be embarrassed in front of me patty-cakes.” I glared at him and he giggled (<em>giggled!)</em>. “It was funny and I didn’t really think through the whole wipe it away thing. Good dream?”</p><p>“It was ugh-“ <em>it was of you. </em>“Yeah I guess.” I looked down to see a pillow where my head had been. “You brought me a pillow?”</p><p>“And a blanket.” I looked down to see a blanket at my feet.</p><p>“That’s um- nice of you.” <em>My heart is going to explode.</em></p><p>“Yeah well… you looked cold.”</p><p>“And the pillow?”</p><p>“I didn’t want you to hurt your neck.” <em>Why are you making it impossible for me to hate you?</em></p><p>“Wait… we both fell asleep on the desks?” I was more awake now, my brain had lost the fluffy haze of sleep.</p><p>“In the middle of doing our English homework.” I remembered Achilles and I ticking off subject after subject. For somebody who’s constantly fidgeting, he can be scarily efficient when he puts his mind to something.</p><p>“And you’ve been awake for how long?”</p><p>“About an hour.”</p><p>“What have you been doing?”</p><p>A hint of pink had appeared on his sharp cheekbones. “I did a few press ups but I didn’t want to wake you up, so then I sort of just- watched you.” At my raised eyebrows he hurried on “and then I finished your English homework so you don’t have to worry about that.”</p><p>“You’re umm- you can be quite sweet when you want to be.”</p><p>“Yeah I know.”</p><p>“But what do you mean: you were watching me?”</p><p>He just shrugged. “C’mon I’m <em>starving</em>.”</p><p>“Why haven’t you just gone by yourself?”</p><p>“Dad didn’t give me a key.” He looked hilariously sulky about this. I laughed softly and said:</p><p>“I don’t blame him. We should probably get dressed first and then we can go.”</p><p>“Get dressed? Why?”</p><p>“Because it’s day-time.” I looked at him confused.</p><p>“Yes but no-one’s here, but us. I mean there’s Miss Mellow too but she couldn’t care less about what we wear.”</p><p>“Wait so we should just-?”</p><p>“Have a pyjama day. Yes.”</p><p>“But you’re not in pyjamas. And I still need to shower.” Honestly the idea was kind of appealing to me. But I’d never spent an entire day in my pyjamas before; it’s not presentable enough.</p><p>“Don’t worry about that a minute. Let’s go get your cornflakes.” He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me by the arm.</p><p>“No Achilles. Stop.” He dropped my arm, frowning.</p><p>“Right, yeah ok. I took it too far. I’ll leave you alone.” He went to turn away but I called after him.</p><p>“We need the key you dipshit.” The smile on his face could light up the moon.</p><p>OoO</p><p>The kitchens were large and but not spacious. Unlike the rest of the castle they were modern with silver counters and metal containers. It smelled of wet spinach and my bare feet were stinging from the cold floor. I barely noticed this though. All my attention was focused on Achilles; with his sly smiles and easy laughter.</p><p>He had my attention now. I was still hesitant around him, even if I found myself saying things I wouldn’t dare say to anybody else, I still tried to think about my words before I said them. His relaxed nature seemed to harness my own uncertain nature and seize it; slowly melting away the layers of careful worry I had formed throughout my life.</p><p>I wondered whether his interest in me would dwindle if I gave him the attention he craved. That had always confused me with those “I like you because you don’t like me, even though all the ‘other girls’ do” movies. If the only reason broody boy likes bookish girl is because she doesn’t like him, what happens when they inevitably get together?</p><p>This wasn’t the case with Achilles. The more I opened up, the more his interest seemed to amplify. His posture was carefree but his smiles were quick like a cat and his eyes were reactive to every word or gesture I made. His emotions were so clear on his face that I couldn’t help but be enamoured by it; the unusual honesty he possessed. Some would describe it as naïvety but I admired his openness, his ability to be completely present with a raw intensity that caused my heart to clench.</p><p>I was more than a little bit overwhelmed. I was not used to such attention and a part of me felt intimidated, urging me to keep my bubble impenetrable. But these emotions were mere hums compared to the orchestra of emotion pulling me towards him.</p><p>“Cornflakes?” Achilles asked, interrupting my thoughts. He was climbing up onto the metal counters.</p><p>“Is that out only option?”</p><p>“No, but I can’t cook.”</p><p>“Well I can.” I walked over to the counter he was standing on, he held out a hand to help me up; I wasn’t planning on climbing up there with him, but I took it anyway. “What are our options?”</p><p>“Look around Patroclus.” He leaned forward and opened both arms to gesture towards the kitchen dramatically.</p><p>“Woah, Achilles.” I put my arm in front of his chest to try and stop him from falling. “Be careful.”</p><p>“Awww you don’t want me to fall.” I narrowed my eyes at him, but I didn’t move my arm. “And no need to worry, I’m extremely agile.” He said matter-of-factly.</p><p>“What about pancakes?” I asked.</p><p>“Ohmigods yay.” <em>Ahhh he’s so adorable. </em>“What do you need?”</p><p>“Floor, milk, and an egg” I sat down on the counter as he found the ingredients.</p><p>“On it.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>
  <strong>Achilles:</strong>
  
</p><p>After I collected the things Patroclus needed for the pancakes (<em>pancakes!</em>) I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, telling me the parcel I ordered yesterday was here.</p><p>“I’ll be right back.” I told him.</p><p>“Where are you going?” He asked, measuring flour.</p><p>I just grinned in response and made my way to the lawn. It took a few minutes to run through the corridors to the main entrance, when I finally got there I saw a brunette woman with plump red cheeks and wicked eyeliner leaning on the delivery truck.</p><p>“Hey.” She said looking me up and down.</p><p>“Hi.” I gave her a dazzling smile. Her cheeks reddened slightly as she gave me the <em>Victoria’s Secret </em>boxes.</p><p>“For a girlfriend?” She inquired, eyeing the boxes.</p><p>“Nope.” I replied, popping the p. She raised her eyebrows in question so I continued: “they’re for a friend.” <em>Friend, </em>a pleasant feeling bubbled inside me when I said that.</p><p>“Must be quite some friend.” She said as I signed for them</p><p>“He is.” I winked, took the boxes and ran back to Patroclus.</p><p>OoO</p><p>A buttery smell of milk and flour engulfed me as I walked back into the kitchens to find Patroclus turning off a strove and two plates of neatly piled pancakes waiting for me.</p><p>“What’s cookin’ good lookin’?” I teased.</p><p>He gestured to the pancakes “isn’t it obvious?” He turned around to face me I noticed a dusting of floor coating the top of his nose. I thought about telling him, then I thought about wiping it off, then I thought about licking it off- I realised my brain was taking this completely out of proportion. I told myself to stop being ridiculous, <em>lick him? Really?</em> I chuckled to myself and decided I wouldn’t do anything because it was kind of cute. Who was I kidding? It was extremely cute.</p><p>“Where were you?” He asked, breaking me out if my thoughts.</p><p>I waved the boxes at him in response. “I ordered us some new pyjamas. You’ll have to wash yours eventually.”</p><p>“Victoria’s secret?” He asked, amused and a little cautious.</p><p>“They looked soft and I’ve got terrible self control.” I admitted. “Should we put them on now?”</p><p>“No.” At my dismayed expression he continued “we should shower first: I don’t want to get them dirty.”</p><p>“You want to shower with me Patroclus?” He blushed and I felt I smile creep onto my face. <em>I loved making him blush.</em>Even if it meant I said things even more ridiculous than usual. Except, that that dick measuring thing was not a way to make him blush. <em>Seriously, what the fuck was that Achilles?</em> I put that thought away into a box of things I shouldn’t think about for too long.</p><p>“No. Nope. Shower in separate showers. Separately.” He confirmed, flustered. I wondered whether he really thought I had a small dick. <em>I’ll have to find a way to fix that.</em> I didn’t know why I cared so much, but I did. I decided I had plenty if time to prove myself and torment his innocent little mind during the week and anyways, I wanted to talk about pancakes.</p><p>“What are you going to put on yours?” I asked, scouring the cupboards for fruit, honey, sugar, syrup and any other sweet topping I could find.</p><p>“I usually have them plain or with a little bit of sugar.” He shrugged.</p><p>“Ohmigods Patroclus no!” He snickered a little at my outburst. “I am <em>not </em>joking you twat.”</p><p>“I’m sure you’re not.”</p><p>“Seriously. You haven’t lived if the most exotic pancake you ever had was sugar-coated.”</p><p>“I really don’t care about what’s on my pancakes.”</p><p>“That’s ridiculous.”</p><p>“I’m not the ridiculous one here.”</p><p>“At least I’ve tasted maple syrup.” I thought his laughter was both annoying and endearing. “What about Nutella and strawberries? That’s a classic.”</p><p>“Nope.”</p><p>“Ok.” I climbed down from the storage cupboard with an array of toppings in my arms. “I usually just pile everything on but maybe we should start small. “How about honey, strawberries and banana?”</p><p>“Sure. But they’ll get cold if you keep lecturing me on my pancake habits like a madman.” I got out a chopping board and to chop a banana. He the knife off me gently and started to chop the banana himself. He peeled it swiftly and then sliced it smoothly without mistakes. He looked like those TV chefs that can chop insanely fast in a way that I’ve always been both jealous and hypnotised by.</p><p>“Damn. You’re good at this.”</p><p>He blushed slightly at the compliment and started with the other banana. “I didn’t want the pancakes to get cold.”</p><p>“But how do you know how to do this?”</p><p>“I’ve been helping the chefs since I was little.” He started slicing the strawberries. “I suppose I just picked it up.”</p><p>“For such a wanker you’re surprisingly skilful.” He laughed and nudged me slightly.</p><p>“If anyone’s a wanker here, it’s you. And you can’t even chop strawberries.” He started putting the fruit on the pancakes.</p><p>“Oi.” I gasped, putting my hand to my heart in mock hurt. “At least I’ve eaten proper pancakes before.” I said smugly, only to have him reply:</p><p>“Well that’s about to change, isn’t it?” He handed me my plate (which had significantly more fruit and honey than his own).</p><p>We went to the dining hall to eat and when Patroclus pulled out a chair I stopped him, placing my plate on the table and then jumping to join it.</p><p>“What are you doing?” He asked, amused.</p><p>I hit him with an “isn’t it obvious” whilst cutting into my pancakes.</p><p>He sighed but joined me on the table, I grinned at him through a mouthful of honey pancake glory. “Mmm, yep very good.”</p><p>“Don’t talk with your mouth full.” He said eyeing his pancakes wearingly.</p><p>“Why aren’t you eating it?” I said with my mouth still full.</p><p>“I don’t know where to start.” He said solemnly; like eating fruity pancakes is the most daunting task in the world.</p><p>I sighed, I’d already eaten half of my mine and as much as I didn’t want to stop, I also didn’t want his to go cold. I swallowed what I was eating and picked up his cutlery.</p><p>“Umm what are you doing?” I tried to get the correct ratio of pancake, honey and fruit onto a fork. “Oh.” He said. “You could have asked.”</p><p>“What? No- Patroclus I’m not taking your breakfast.” I laughed, but he just narrowed his eyes.</p><p>“So what are you doing?”</p><p>“Shut up and stop worrying.” Now satisfied and with more food on a fork than should be possible I leaned forward and brought it to his mouth. I expecting him to roll his eyes at me and take the fork, but he didn’t. He just stared at me nervously, so I smiled and said: “open wide.”</p><p>He opened his mouth and closed his eyes whilst I pushed the fork into his mouth. I found myself in a sort of trance as I watched his thick pink lips close around the fork. When I pulled the fork out of his mouth I noticed some honey had stick onto his bottom lip, making it glisten in the warm morning light. He moaned at the burst of flavour on his tongue and I felt my stomach knot and my bones ache as I watched. He opened his eyes and looked surprised to see me watching.</p><p>He didn’t look away, just stared back at me as I watched his jaw move. <em>I should look away</em>. I didn’t. He swallowed and I watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down. He licked the honey of his lip and I felt like I was about to explode,<em> what the fuck am I doing. </em>“You’re right.” He said as he took the fork from my hands and started cutting up another piece.</p><p>“Huh?” I mumbled. My stomach still hasn’t settled down and I was feeling confused, flustered and maybe a little turned on. <em>Gods I should probably find a girlfriend.</em></p><p>“I am a good chef.” He smiled and I just nodded.</p><p>“Don’t underestimate your skills.”</p><p>“Surely it’s better to underestimate than overestimate.” He said and I laughed quietly.</p><p>“Now who’s eating with their mouth open?” His eyes widened. “And no. If you underestimate yourself, you’re bound to achieve less than your best.”</p><p>“But isn’t that better than being disappointed when you realise you’re not as good as you thought.”</p><p>“No because that could just be an incentive to improve.” I finished the last part of my pancakes, Patroclus still has most of his left (he always waited until he’d swallowed before talking after I pointed out the whole eating with his mouth open thing). “Anyway, this conversation is dampening the mood. Finish your pancakes and we can try on those new pyjamas.” That hurried him up.</p><p>I couldn’t help but watch as he ate, feeling the knot tighten and the ache deepen, I wouldn’t look away. He didn’t seem to mind, but he probably just thought I was bored. <em>Get it together Achilles.</em> “C’mon let’s go.” I said, after he’d finished.</p><p>“Not yet.” He replied.</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“We have to do the dishes.”</p><p>“There’s a cleaner that comes in over the holidays.”</p><p>“That doesn’t mean we should leave extra mess for them.”</p><p>“Aww Patroclus c’mon. I need to get out of these clothes.”</p><p>You can go if you want, but I’m staying.”</p><p>“Ugh, ok <em>fine.” </em>He smiled at me and I followed him into the kitchen.</p><p>OoO</p><p>Once we were back in Patroclus’s room I finally opened one of the boxes.</p><p>“Ta-da.” I said.</p><p>“Silk pyjamas.” Patroclus replied, shaking his head with an amused smile playing on his lips.</p><p>“Yep.” I pulled out a pair of Victoria’s Secret black silk pyjamas, “they looked really comfortable and I thought they’d look nice on you.”</p><p>“Aren’t they for girls?” He chuckled, taking them out of my hands.</p><p>“I think so, why?”</p><p>“Well… we’re not girls.”</p><p>“Doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the wonder of silk pyjamas.” I shrugged. “And at least I got yours in black,” I pulled out my own.</p><p>“Oh my gods.” He blinked.</p><p>“What?” He just pointed at the pyjamas in my hands. “I look good in pink.”</p><p>He burst out laughing, “I- I’m sure you do.”</p><p> I frowned at him. “Why are you laughing?”</p><p>“It’s just- you’re so different to what I thought you’d be be like.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“From the whole eating on tables to wearing silk pink pyjamas.” I felt dread rise up in me, I’d never shown anybody this side of me and I wasn’t expecting Patroclus to react like this. “You’re really weird Achilles.”</p><p>I stood up to leave, hurt washing over me. “Right ok, I think I should leave.”</p><p>His expression sobered suddenly. “No, Achilles wait. That’s not what I meant.” I looked at him in confusion. “I think it’s w-wonderful, I think <em>you’re </em>wonderful.”</p><p>The hurt drained away almost instantly, replaced with a giddy excitement. <em>He doesn’t hate me, he doesn’t hate me at all; and he actually knows me. </em>I sat back on the bed, “so you’re gonna wear them?”</p><p>“Yes. But I should probably pay you back, these are expensive right?”</p><p>“Oh don’t worry about that my mother gives me a credit card and likes to spoil me.”</p><p><em>“</em>Are you sure?”</p><p>“Definitely.”</p><p>“What can I do to make up for them.”</p><p>“Let me prove that my dick isn’t small. That it’s actually-“</p><p>“Nope.”</p><p>I sighed, “turns out those pyjamas don’t mean much to you.” I said sarcastically.</p><p>“What if I introduce you to Gilmore Girls?”</p><p>“That and pancakes for the rest of the week.”</p><p>“Deal.”</p><p>“Oh and come to a Halloween party with me on Friday.”</p><p>He grimaced, “deal.”</p><p>“Now go and shower, you smell.”</p><p>“I’m not the one who’s been wearing the same clothes for the past 30 hours.”</p><p>“Too-ch”</p><p>“Do you mean touché?” He snorted, I felt a faint blush blossom on my cheeks.</p><p>“Fuck off.”</p><p>“Wait why there are still two more boxes?”</p><p>My blush deepened. <em>I have never blushed this much in one day, and it’s barely 10 o’clock. “</em>I- umm got carried away.”</p><p>“Of course you did. Can I see?.</p><p>“Not yet.” I smirked, and walked back to my room to shower; the boxes clutched protectively in my hands.</p><p>OoO</p><p>When I was showered and dressed, I walked back to Patroclus’s room. He was lying on his floor with earphones in and one arm behind his head. His eyes were closed and his hair was wet, dripping drops of water onto the floor. I was right: the pyjamas looked great on him. They complimented his dark hair and deep brown eyes.</p><p>He was smiling at whatever lyric he heard as I crept into the room and sat next to him. His smile was slightly crooked, tugging up higher on one side of his face; I liked it. He had a dusting of freckles across his nose, like a faint constellations of stars, I wondered if they’d be more noticeable if he spent more time in the sun.</p><p>Perhaps sensing my presence, Patroclus opened his eyes. I was suddenly self-conscious, I’m not sure I’d <em>ever </em>felt self conscious before, but wearing pink silk pyjamas could do that to a boy. However, when his smile brightened, I felt my worries dissolve.</p><p>“Ready to watch one of the best things to come out of white media?” He said.</p><p>“Yes. But first I’ve got a idea.” He sat up next to me.</p><p>“Of course you have.”</p><p>“Let’s make a fort.”</p><p>He pretended to contemplate and then replied, “let’s.”</p><p>And so we made a fort, Patroclus played his music out loud (it turned out he’d been listening to Arctic Monkeys. Classic). We placed one blanket on the floor and we hung four from the beds, making a triangular cage. Patroclus said we should keep a blanket each, I argued one would be enough.</p><p>OoO</p><p>So that’s how we ended up in a fort, sharing a blanket and watching Gilmore girls <em>all day.</em></p><p>“Wow that brown haired girl is really pretty.”</p><p>“Rory. Yeah I know.”</p><p>“Oh her mum is hot too.”</p><p>“<em>Achilles. </em>Shut your horny mouth and watch the show.”</p><p>“He’s a good looking guy, does Rory end up with him?”</p><p>“Not telling you.”</p><p>“He’s also really tall.”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Seriously, there’s no that they eat <em>that</em> much and stay <em>that</em> slim.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“I like this Luke guy. He’s kinda hot.”</p><p>
  <em>Later...</em>
</p><p><em>“</em>I’m gonna order dominoes, what do you want?” I asked.</p><p>“Pepperoni please.”</p><p>“Who’s this scary girl?”</p><p>“Paris? She’s only the best character of the show.”</p><p>“She’s hot in a very intimidating way.”</p><p>“Bloody hell Achilles. Are you attracted to <em>every </em>character?”</p><p>“Don’t judge me. And I’m not attracted to <em>all </em>of them, It’s just a very attractive- albeit very <em>white- </em>cast.”</p><p>“That is correct.”</p><p>“Fuck me sideways. Who’s this guy?”</p><p>“Tristan?”</p><p>“Rory should dump Dean and get with him. I would. I mean if I was Rory.”</p><p>“Right.”</p><p>“Lorelai is my spirit animal.”</p><p>“You’re giving yourself too much credit.”</p><p>“Oi.”</p><p>
  <em>1 and a half seasons later…</em>
</p><p>“Patroclus why are you smiling?”</p><p>“You get to meet someone this episode.”</p><p>“Omg is that him? Luke’s nephew?”</p><p>“Yep.”</p><p>“<em>Damn. </em>Rory should get with him  and I haven’t even heard him speak.”</p><p>“That’s shallow.”</p><p>“You can’t blame me.”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>
  <em>2 seasons later…</em>
</p><p>“Achilles, are you crying?”</p><p>I sobbed quietly but didn’t reply. Then I heard Patroclus sniffle next to me.</p><p>“Rory’s all grown up.” He said.</p><p>“And she’s going to college.”</p><p>“And Jess is fucking with her head.”</p><p>“And her and Lorelai love each-other so much.”</p><p>“It’s like they complete each-other.”</p><p>“And the drama of Rory’s boyfriends mean nothing compared to their relationship.”</p><p>“Because they don’t need anyone else when they have each-other.”</p><p>“And now Rory’s leaving school.”</p><p>He hugged me and I hugged him back tightly. I realised absentmindedly that is was past 3 o’clock in the morning and we were both a little bit delirious. I didn’t mind as though, as sobbed into his shoulder, with empty pizza boxes surrounding us and the Gilmore girls being witty in the background.</p><p>After our crying episode I did not let go of Patroclus, and he didn’t make any indication he wanted me to. I slowly dozed off on his silky shoulder, feeling warm and full. As I fell into a deep sleep I realised, <em>I have a friend. A wonderful friend. </em>And I will never let him go.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I apologise if you haven’t watched Gilmore Girls hehe.</p><p>They seem to get along a lot better when there’s no-one else, so expect more fluff in the next few chapters (I can’t promise the same for the ones after). I like them getting to know each other without the annoyance of other people lol.</p><p>Next week is quite busy, but I’ll probably still manage to get a chapter out next weekend. The week before Christmas holidays is always easy so maybe two chapters?? (and I might not even be in anyways because... coronavirus). Through Christmas I’ll have loads of free time so hopefully updates will be more frequent :)</p><p>Patroclus’ pyjamas: https://www.victoriassecret.com/gb/vs/sleepwear-and-lingerie-catalog/victoria-s-secret-the-satin-pj-set-5000000279?brand=vs&amp;collectionId=97bcd5b2-25f4-4c31-805c-c2a0041c0f3d&amp;limit=180&amp;productId=1baaf2ac-1482-4a14-82ba-be85190d0cd5&amp;stackId=d7e4789e-d530-45d8-abc8-00d9cbf593f3</p><p>Achilles’ pyjamas: https://www.victoriassecret.com/gb/vs/sleepwear-and-lingerie-catalog/victoria-s-secret-the-satin-pj-set-5000000279?brand=vs&amp;collectionId=97bcd5b2-25f4-4c31-805c-c2a0041c0f3d&amp;limit=180&amp;productId=1baaf2ac-1482-4a14-82ba-be85190d0cd5&amp;stackId=d7e4789e-d530-45d8-abc8-00d9cbf593f3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. I AM A GOD</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“We ran through the wide corridors; breathless and laughing. We slid down bannisters and shouted at the marble ceiling in the empty assembly hall.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Some more fluffy bonding and sexual tension.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
  
</p><p>I felt warm. My head was foggy and my neck was resting at an odd angle. My chest felt heavier than usual. I felt something expand and contract beside me, a faint smell of mint and… Achilles, <em>wait what? </em> Slowly, I opened my eyes and saw him staring at me.</p><p>“Morning poppet.” Achilles drawled. We were chest to chest, legs entangled; silk to silk. We were so close it was hard to tell where he began and I ended.</p><p>“Poppet?” I had my arms draped over his waist under the blanket, hugging him tightly.</p><p>“What? You don’t like it?” I had become rigid as a plank, barely breathing.</p><p>“I didn’t say that.” <em>His leg.</em> His leg was in-between my thighs, and my leg was in-between his.<em> Fuck.</em> He smiled his cat smile, slow and full of mischief. “How long have you been awake?” I asked.</p><p>He thought about it, “I don’t actually know.”</p><p>“Why didn’t you, you know… move?” We were still in the same position, <em>you should get up Patroclus.</em> I didn’t.</p><p>“I didn’t want to wake you.” He shrugged and the movement shook our bodies. “Did you enjoy sleeping in your new pyjamas?”</p><p>“Yes.” There was a calming quality about them, smooth like milk, graceful like water.</p><p>“Silk on silk feels nice too. That’s probably why we’re so close.” <em>He doesn’t think it’s a big deal, you shouldn’t either.</em></p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>He moved his arm down my back, “yep, very satisfying.” My breath hitched as he pulled my sleeve to cover my hand and stroke his back, he closed his eyes.</p><p>“Achilles what are doing?-” I pulled my hand away without realising how tightly he was holding my arm. His whole body jerked forward and this small movement ruined our fragile position. His knee came further forward in-between my legs. “Ahh.”</p><p>In a moment of panic I pushed him off me, but he had gripped me tightly that instead of pushing him off me, he pulled me on top of him. <em>Shit I’m on top of Achilles!</em> His eyes were wild, confusion clear on his features.</p><p>I was unsteady and the silk of our bodies caused me to slip forward slightly. <em>Fuck a nine eyed nymph. </em>My arms were braced on either side of his head, pinning him in place. Achilles let out a gasp. We were lying chest to chest, groin to groin. <em>Looks like someone’s decided to wake up.</em></p><p>
  <em>Shitshitshit.</em>
</p><p>Flustered, I jumped off him. Fumbling to get away, without leaving the safety of the blanket. I wrapped it around myself as Achilles attempted to do the same, his cheeks flushed and movements unsteady. <em>Fuck I’ve probably freaked him out.</em></p><p>“Right I’m- I’m gonna go shower, then I’ll make pancakes, yeah?” I didn’t look at him.</p><p>“Umm Yeah ok. Me too. Shower. I’m going to… umm, do that.”</p><p>“Ok.” I ran to the shower and didn’t look back.</p><p>OoO</p><p><em>Fuckfuckfuckfuck. </em>I left the shower, seething with shame. <em>At least I don’t have a boner anymore</em>. I dressed in ordinary clothes and walked to the kitchens.</p><p>After making pancakes, I went to the dining hall to find Achilles waiting on top of one of the tables. He beamed at the pancakes but frowned when he saw me.</p><p>“Where aren’t you wearing pyjamas?” I placed Nutella and Strawberries pancakes in front of him.</p><p>“I wore them all day yesterday.”</p><p>“So?” He was still wearing his, he must have put them back on after his shower.</p><p>“That’s dirty.”</p><p>He sighed, “ok, I suppose we’ll have to put our uniform back on anyway - for the school advert.”</p><p>“Shit. I forgot about that.”</p><p>“It’s ok, the school council gave me a list of what they want.”</p><p>“And what do they want?”</p><p>“Pictures mostly, a few videos. It shouldn’t take too long.” There was a silence then. It was different to our usual, content stretches of silence. The air felt heavy and the sounds of cutlery grated at my ears.</p><p>Without thinking, I stood up and jumped onto a different table. “Catch me if you can.”</p><p>His relief was instantaneous, he smiled a smile of pure joy and narrowed his eyes at me. “Oh it’s on.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>School advert completely forgotten, we spent all day playing. I know it’s childish and immature but it was hard to care when I was having so much fun. After jumping over tables and throwing strawberries at each other we started to explore the castle.</p><p>We ran through the wide corridors; breathless and laughing. We slid down bannisters and shouted at the marble ceiling in the empty assembly hall.</p><p>“I AM A GOD.” Achilles roared.</p><p>“In silk pyjamas?”</p><p>“FUCK YES.”</p><p>“Achilles why are you shouting?”</p><p>“Because it’s fun.” I raised my eyebrows at him. “Try it.”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“C’mon Patroclus, let go a little.”</p><p>I screamed.</p><p>I looked towards him apprehensively but he just smiled. “FUCKKKKKKK.”</p><p>“SHITTTTT.” I beamed at him, there was definitely something restorative about shouting swear words at the top of your lungs.</p><p>“I AM APOLLO, GOD OF MUSIC AND SUNLIGHT. BOW DOWN TO MY DIVINE POWER.”</p><p>“Hah. You wish.”</p><p>“BOW DOWN.” He bellowed, facing me with a slight smirk on his face.</p><p>“And why on earth would I do that?”</p><p>“‘Cause I’m a god?”</p><p>“Not good enough.”</p><p>His face grew smug then. “Because I’ll show what was in those other boxes.”</p><p>I sighed. “Lead the way Apollo.”</p><p>“You’re not gonna bow?”</p><p>“No.” I chuckled.</p><p>“Not even for the boxes?”</p><p>“Nope.”</p><p>“Well I wanna show you anyway.” He grabbed my hand and ran out of the hall.</p><p>OoO</p><p>“Achilles, what the fuck?” I shook with the laughter.</p><p>“Are you actually surprised?”</p><p>“Not really.”</p><p>Achilles was wearing, <em>I swear to the gods, </em>a red lace kimono. It clung to his broad shoulders nicely and there was a suggestive slit in the leg that revealed a pale thigh. It was absolutely ridiculous; but also really hot. It was made for a girl but he somehow managed to pull it off. I would never be able to wear something like <em>that.</em></p><p><em>“</em>I bought you one too.”</p><p>“Fuck no.”</p><p>He looked disappointed but not surprised. “As much as I don’t want to take this off, it’s not the most most practical gear for exploring.”</p><p>“Since when do you care about practicality?”</p><p>He snorted. “Good point. Are you saying me want to accidentally flash you?”</p><p><em>Yes. </em>“No. You’re right. Go get changed.”</p><p>“Ooo how commanding.” He walked closer to me and fluttered his eyelashes. “Tell me what you want. I’m at your mercy-” My cheeks were painted red.</p><p>“Oh fuck off.”</p><p>He chuckled. “Sorry poppet. I think the silk is making me more horny than usual.” And somehow… my blush deepened.</p><p>I sighed, long and deep. “Maybe you should go and get changed then.”</p><p>“You want me to take my clothes off?-” I glared at him. “Right ok <em>fine.</em>”</p><p>OoO</p><p>When Achilles came back he was wearing joggers and a crop top that revealed a slither of his defined stomach. I eyed him up and down trying to be condescending, but mostly because I couldn’t help myself. The joggers hung low on his hips hinting towards his V-cut.</p><p>“Stop judging me. I wear what I want when nobody’s here.”</p><p>“I’m here.”</p><p>“Which is why I’m wearing clothes. And I know you’re not gonna think less of me for cutting my tops. Right?”</p><p>“Right. What do you want to do now, Johnny Depp?”</p><p>“What are you on about?”</p><p>“You look like Johnny Depp from that scene on A Nightmare on Elm Street.”</p><p>“Never seen it. Is he hot?”</p><p>“Wait... you don’t know who Johnny Depp is?”</p><p>“Doesn’t ring a bell.”</p><p>“Pirates of the Caribbean?”</p><p>“Nope.”</p><p>“Charlie and the chocolate factory?”</p><p>“Oh, I’ve read that.”</p><p>“But you haven’t seen the film <em>with </em>Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka?”</p><p>“I don’t really watch many films.”</p><p>“This is stranger than the silk obsession.”</p><p>“Or maybe you not having any friends turned you into a pop-culture junkie.” From anyone this might have hurt my feelings but he said it without malice, his lips tugging up at the corners.</p><p>“How do you know whether I had any friends or not?”</p><p>“Just a guess.” He looked away sheepishly. “You’re not comfortable with people but there’s no reason anyone could dislike you, so you probably knew people, but didn’t actually <em>know </em>anyone.” I raised my eyebrows at him. He he was right, which surprised me; Achilles wasn’t usually a very observant person. “Plus you’re a nerd.” He said and I nudged him lightly on the shoulder.</p><p>“You’re one to talk Mr. ‘I read the book’”</p><p>“Yes, but my social confidence is off-the-scales fantastic.”</p><p>“I think you’re mistaking that with your massive ego.”</p><p>“What can I say? I’m impressive.” He shrugged. “I’ll race you to the stairs.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>We ran down <em>more </em>corridors and up <em>more</em> grand staircases, finding <em>more </em>new rooms along the way. We stood on the tables in classrooms, imitating different teachers.</p><p>“R-r-right class today we’re going to be learning osmosis for the <em>50<sup>th</sup></em> time.” Achilles said, mocking  Miss Argyros. High pitched and unsteady.</p><p>“I’m Achilles so I’m going to going to be loud and obnoxious all the way through your lesson.” I got down from the table and tried to sit like Achilles would sit on a stool. I put one leg under my butt, one on the table in front of me and I leaned back on the desk behind me.</p><p>Achilles laughed loudly and walked to the front of the class. “Don’t worry Achilles, I’m going to let you do whatever you want because I’m scared of angering your father.”</p><p>I threw a pencil at him.</p><p>OoO</p><p>“Shit Achilles, what’s the time?” As we walked out of the theatre I realised the sky had turned black. We must have spent hours messing with props and costumes.</p><p>Achilles shrugged. He was wearing long black gloves and had painted his eyelids with sparkly green eyeshadow.</p><p>“We skipped lunch.” I said. Fiddling with the tinsel I had wrapped around my neck.</p><p>“Now that you mention it I am quite hungry. Want to order Dominoes again?”</p><p>“I was thinking pasta?”</p><p>He took the crown off of his head and lightly placed it on mine, “whatever you desire, your highness.” His words dripped with amused sarcasm and when he did an overdramatic bow I used the opportunity to push him onto the floor.</p><p>“<em>Patroclus!” </em>He whined, I reached down to help him up. My throat was scratchy from shouting but I was still laughing so much my chest ached.</p><p>“Achilles.”</p><p>“Yes.” He replied, moping.</p><p>“You just bowed for me.” His eyes flashed. “And I’m not even a god.”</p><p>He tripped me up. <em>Yeah… I deserved that.</em></p><p>OoO</p><p>Achilles watched with an undeserved intensity as I chopped vegetables. I found it both off-putting and endearing; he didn’t talk or help, he just watched.</p><p>“What are you thinking about?” Achilles asked me as we walked to hall, carrying our dinner.</p><p>“Why did your father let us stay here all by ourselves with no-one except a teacher I’ve never seen?”</p><p>“Well… my dad is great. He lets me do whatever I want but… never mind. He’s a very trusting person and you probably made a good impression on him.”</p><p>“But what?”</p><p>“Sometimes I wish he’d care when I acted up.”</p><p>We sat in silence for a bit. I had always wished my father had been less controlling, but I suppose allowing your child to do whatever they wanted could hurt them in a different way. “I-”</p><p>“I know it sounds brattish.” He cut me off. “But… I-I don’t know,” it was very rare to hear Achilles stutter, “as long as I keep up a good appearance he doesn’t seem to care about what I’m doing. I don’t have much guidance and I suppose I feel a little bit…”</p><p>“Lost?”</p><p>“Yes.” He took a drink of his water. “I’m probably just looking for reasons to feel sorry for myself or blame how much of a mess I am on somebody else.”</p><p>“Stop it.” I told him sternly. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting love and affection.”</p><p>“He does love me.”</p><p>“Well… there’s nothing wrong with feeling lost.”</p><p>“I’m a mess Patroclus. And I have no reason for it. I’m loaded. I’m beautiful. I could have anybody I wanted.” I had no idea what to say. Luckily he carried on. “I-I think I’m scared that if I stray from what people expect, they won’t like me, or even <em>pretend </em>to like me, anymore.”</p><p>We’d finished our pasta and as I looked at the dishes (including the ones from breakfast) I decided they could wait until tomorrow. This is more important.</p><p>I don’t know when I’d started to care about him, but I did. And when he spoke of his sadness I felt knifes split the tendons of my heart. Despite this, I didn’t want him to stop, I wanted to know everything about him.</p><p>I was about to ask him to tell me more when he laughed mirthlessly. “I’m probably talking your ear off, maybe pasta makes me an over-sharer.” He walked out if the dining hall before I could argue.</p><p>OoO</p><p>“Sorry Patroclus that was weird.” Achilles told me when I finally made it back into my room.</p><p>“Achilles you’re wearing a crop top and eyeshadow.”</p><p>He chuckled. “I meant the whole ‘feelings’ thing.”</p><p>“Have you ever spoken to anyone about your ‘feelings’ before?”</p><p>“No.”  He was lying on my floor, so I went to lie down next to him. “Have you?”</p><p>“No.” I said.</p><p>“That’s shit.”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Do you want to?”</p><p><em>Maybe? </em>“Not yet.”</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>We lay in silence for a while. “What are you thinking about?” I asked him, repeating his question from earlier.</p><p>I was expecting him to say something about loneliness or the pressures of perfection. “How Prince Charming has a foot fetish.”</p><p>I sat up, chuckling softly. “What?”</p><p>“Ok listen,” he sat up next to me. “He spends all night with this girl and somehow he can’t remember her face? But that’s no worry because he remembers exactly what her feet look like?”</p><p>“He had her slipper.” I attempted.</p><p>“So no-one in an entire kingdom had the same shoe size as her? Bullshit. That was just a terrible excuse for handling the feet of every woman until he found the ones that really turned him on.” He said this with a completely straight face and I burst out laughing.</p><p>“You’re right.” I admitted and he smiled so much that every feature on his face lit up.</p><p>“Patroclus.” He said.</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“Pillow fight?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>We fought until my arms were aching and my jaw was sore from laughing. I thought Achilles might go back to his room, but instead he wanted to sleep in the bunk above mine and who was I to argue? I was drifting into sleep when I heard my phone ping.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Achilles kimono: https://www.victoriassecret.com/gb/vs/sleepwear-and-lingerie-catalog/victoria-s-secret-chantilly-lace-kimono-robe-5000007612?brand=vs&amp;collectionId=01b1ccb4-0550-424e-ad90-89faf58b1e31&amp;limit=180&amp;productId=57915434-1a68-4d83-b701-1dae1174a204&amp;stackId=49cc1dd3-8ae9-4fce-83f0-66313a19c7c4</p><p>My friend is literally the best, so expect more texting pictures in the future :)</p><p>There’s been a load of coronavirus cases on my school:( but we get an extra week off before Christmas, which means more chapters :) I’m supposed to have online learning next week but I’m going to try and get two chapters up?? The last two before everybody comes back because I’m going to try and get Christmas chapters up for Christmas... we’ll see. Hope your all enjoying &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Walking on Eggshells</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“My once soft, beautiful hair was smothered with eggs and honey, the tips of my fingers were painted red from the fruit and my skin was plastered with flour. I was glad I had worn boxers and an old t-shirt instead of my nice pyjamas, but mostly I was wallowing in self pity as I texted Patroclus with sticky fingers.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>Achilles attempts to make Patroclus breakfast.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Achilles being a dramatic ass bitch for an entire chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p>
  <br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>

</p><p>
  <br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <strong>Achilles:</strong>
</p><p><em>Damn it.</em> Patroclus was coming, which meant I wouldn’t be able to bring him breakfast in bed. He’d made every meal for both of us <em>all </em>week, and I thought I could do something nice. It was Thursday which meant that I’d seen him make pancakes 5 times, I thought I’d be able to make them easily.</p><p>I woke up 2 hours hours ago and all I’ve got to show for it are two broken bowls, three broken pans, four snapped spoons, a messy kitchen and two plates piled pathetically with fruit, syrup and pancake goo.</p><p>The kitchen really was a mess; and so was I. There was flour coating all the surfaces around me, spilt milk had soaked through my dinosaur socks, I was <em>literally </em>walking on eggshells because I kept getting angry at the eggs for not cracking properly and then proceeding to throw them on the floor, I’d slipped on the milk I’d spilt, squirting maple syrup everywhere and I’d stained the cupboards red after I realised my ninth pancake had failed and I’d thrown two boxes of raspberries in response.</p><p>My once soft, beautiful hair was smothered with eggs and honey, the tips of my fingers were painted red from the fruit and my skin was plastered with flour. I was glad I had worn boxers and an old t-shirt instead of my nice pyjamas, but mostly I was wallowing in self pity as I texted Patroclus with sticky fingers.</p><p>For one last attempt, I poured some coco-pops into a bowl to make cereal. Then I realised with horror that the school’s entire supply of milk had currently flooded the floor. “I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE.” I shouted loudly at the coco-pops and then collapsed onto the cold, milky floor.</p><p>I had stolen Patroclus’s laptop and speakers, placing them on the far end of the kitchens (to keep them safe) because I wanted to use his playlist. Apocalypse by Cigarettes After Sex was playing and I thought that was very fitting. </p><p>I lay down on the floor, feeling the milk soak through my t-shirt and boxers. I knew this wasn’t good for my skin but I couldn’t muster a fuck to give as I felt the bitter milk on my cheeks, painting my eyelashes like snow. I’d failed. I don’t fail very often; if at all.</p><p>I was incapable of making a simple breakfast. Patroclus would be disappointed. He would want to clean it up, which would take all day.</p><p>“ARGHHH!” I slapped my hand into the milk and watched as the drops splashed onto a nearby Island. I was planning on taking Patroclus to the woods, we wouldn’t be able to do that now. I watched as goosebumps formed on my arm like a hundred pins of failure.</p><p>I was in utter despair.</p><p>“What. The. Fuck.” <em>There he is, </em>I thought to myself; relieved and a little bit anxious. “Achilles?” He tried again. I looked up to see him standing in the doorway, looking all handsome and confused.</p><p>“Hi.” I said, attempting to smile. He took his socks off, rolled up his joggers and cautiously walked down the steps into the kitchen. “Good morning.”</p><p>“Is it really though?” He replied, looking around.</p><p>I looked at him pleadingly and grabbed his leg. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>Patroclus crouched down and chuckled softly. “Achilles, what happened?”</p><p>I looked up at him. “I was trying to make you some pancakes. You know-because you’ve been cooking all week and you made it look easy. Flour, milk and eggs, right?”</p><p>“So how did this happen?” He asked patiently.</p><p>“Well… I tried the make the mixture but when I tried to fry it, it was yellow and there were loads of egg shells in it.” I gestured towards the watery yellow pile in the corner.</p><p>Patroclus looked a little bit alarmed, “how many eggs did you use?”</p><p>“10.” His eyes widened. “I made a few more variations but they were all yellow or lumpy. I thought maybe it was the bowl… and when I reached over for the milk, it fell on the floor and smashed. That was the trigger point I think.”</p><p>“What happened then?”</p><p>“The eggs were annoying me so I sort of… threw them. And the raspberries. Also, I’m pretty sure I opened the bags of flour wrong because I just ripped the whole thing in half every time I tried to open a new bag.”</p><p>“What about the milk?” He dipped his fingers into the milk pool and flicked it at me.</p><p>“Well… first I snapped four spoons because I was stirring too aggressively.” He snorted. “And what I did manage to cook, I burned. Which ruined those pans.” I gestured to a sink which had a stack of burnt pancake pans. “About an hour and a half had passed by now. I was about pour milk into my third bowl.”</p><p>“Third?” Patroclus asked.</p><p>“If I explained it all, we’d be here all day.”</p><p>“Ok.” He laughed. “Go on.”</p><p>“I stood on one of those eggshells I’d smashed earlier and spilt and entire 2L carton of milk all over the floor. And then I slipped on the milk I spilt… spilling more milk. And I just kept getting angrier and angrier, and things just kept getting worse and worse. And when there were no more eggs, milk or flour left, you texted me.”</p><p>“Maybe cooking isn’t for you.” Patroclus said as Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood was playing in the background.</p><p>“Now I’m a literal mess, not just a metaphorical one.” I felt tears well up in my eyes and looked away in embarrassment. <em>What is wrong with you, Achilles?</em></p><p>“Oh Achilles,” he knelt onto the floor, soaking his joggers without hesitation, and hugged me. “It’s ok.”</p><p>I let myself go limp in his arms and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, I would have been horrified to cry in front of anybody else but for some reason Patroclus was different. I knew he wouldn’t think less of me. “Ahh sorry. I’m being really dramatic.”</p><p>“Yes.” Patroclus said, gripping me tighter. “But you’re sad. And it doesn’t matter why you’re sad, it matters that you’re hurting. And there’s no reason to be embarrassed about that, especially not in front of me.”</p><p>I was ridiculous. I <em>knew </em>I was ridiculous. But I still felt like shit. I wanted to cry and then cry some more because <em>why the fuck was I crying?</em> I wanted to cry on Patroclus’s shoulder which was abysmally pathetic but I couldn’t help it. He was wonderful. Patroclus knew I was ridiculous but he didn’t laugh at me. I hugged him back. “You know, you’re my closest friend Patroclus.”</p><p>He wiped a tear from my eye. “You don’t have another friend you dipshit.”</p><p>I laughed miserably. “You just admitted you’re my friend.”</p><p>“Yes.” He had tears in his eyes no too. “I think you’re my closest friend too Achilles.”</p><p>We were quite the sight: huddled in a messy kitchen, up to our ankles in milk, I had eggs, flour and honey all over me but I barely noticed as I clutched Patroclus like a life ring, whilst Pleaser by The Wallows played softly in the background. We slotted together nicely and it felt <em>right.</em> Like two halves of a puzzle fitting together perfectly. I didn’t want to ever let go.</p><p>“You can cry if you want to.” He rubbed my back gently. “But it’s ok, I promise. We can clean it up today and who knows… maybe it’ll be fun?”</p><p>I let go of him, feeling the absence of his body; it took all my willpower not to grab him again. I stood up and reached down to help him up. “Yeah ok.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>It was actually kind of fun. Everything seems to be better with Patroclus. Although, it did take all day. We kept distracting each other. Patroclus turned the music up which led to two food fights and several dance breaks.</p><p>Milk has literally become the bane of my existence, I never want to see that shit again. Although it did come in handy when Patroclus called me a lazy shit stew and I tipped a cup of the evil stuff on his head.</p><p>“What are you thinking about?” I asked Patroclus whilst we were trying to scrape honey off of the cupboards.</p><p>“How I’m going to switch to soy milk from now on.” He replied as I licked honey off my fingers. “Oh, and how disgusting you are.” We then argued about honey and maple syrup.</p><p>We had food breaks which I found quite depressing because Patroclus’s skill just reminded me of how useless I am; but our dance breaks were brilliant.</p><p>A song would start playing and Patroclus would say “oh I love this one.”</p><p>I’d beam at him, raise my eyebrows and reply, “DANCE BREAK!”</p><p>It look most of the morning to get Patroclus to move more than just sway his hips to the tune or bob his shoulders awkwardly. I encouraged him as much as I could, dancing wildly without a care and eventually, he joined me.</p><p>Patroclus was a terrible dancer. Truly awful. But when he finally let go I barely noticed. <em>Beautiful,</em> I’d think as he grabbed my hands and spun us in circles.</p><p>When Medusa in Chains by The Fratellis was playing I whispered in his ear. “Running is great but I think…” I paused.</p><p>“Think what?” He asked, voice low.</p><p>“I’d like to be a dancer one day.” I’d never told anybody that before. But I’d always thought it, I had done a few classes when I was little but eventually I’d given it up to spend more time on running and football. I’d always loved music, adored it. The ability to feel a beat control my limbs and to express myself with movements instead of words absolutely captivated me.</p><p>Patroclus smiled softly I’m response. “I think you’d be a brilliant dancer.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>The school advert had taken two days. Patroclus and I weren’t the most productive team, but we managed to complete it. Patroclus was quite self conscious and camera shy, so I had tried to convince him he had nothing to be anxious about.</p><p>“Loosen up Patroclus, you look great.” I’d tell him and he’d go bright red.</p><p>He did loosen up though, became slightly more confident and comfortable. We took way too many piss takes, I’d probably ask dad if I could print some of them out.</p><p>We’d spent the rest of our time making up games for each-other, or training, or watching Gilmore girls (we were nearly finished). We spent a lot of time in the library; Patroclus loves it there. We’d act out plays or book scenes and then argue good-naturedly about said plays and book scenes.</p><p>In the mornings we would go to the fields, running or kicking a ball about, (one time we had an army crawl race; I won). I made Patroclus do Pamela Reif workouts in one of the school’s gyms. That woman was a machine, fitter than I was (and that’s saying a lot). We’d do four videos a day, and I’d film Patroclus collapsing on floor, swearing loudly; I didn’t have anyone to send the videos to so I just saved them.</p><p>On Wednesday, whilst we were lying on the lawn, making stories out of the stars, Patroclus asked: “will you show me something about you that would surprise me?”</p><p>Drunk on darkness and friendship, I took him to the music room.</p><p>OoO</p><p>And now it was Thursday and we were dancing in a pool of milk and syrup.</p><p>Style by Foster the people started playing. “I love this one,” Patroclus said and I grabbed his hands.</p><p>“DANCE PARTY!”</p><p>His movements were hesitant and jerky, I sighed. “You know we’re going to a Halloween party tomorrow right?”</p><p>His eyes flashed with worry. “I forgot about that.”</p><p>“Well I didn’t.” I spun him and the milk from his hair splashed onto my face. “The alcohol will help-”</p><p>“Alcohol?” He interrupted.</p><p>“Yeah, I mean you obviously don’t have to have any, if you don’t want to, but we won’t go overboard - just a bit of buzz; I thought it could be fun.” I looked at his uneasy expression. “Have you never drunk before?”</p><p>“Usually just glasses of wine at formal dinners.” He chuckled nervously, “I didn’t really go to many house parties or raves.” He spun me. “I’ll think about the drinking thing ok?”</p><p>“Yeah of course. Anyway, you should learn to dance a bit, or at least, try to let go.”</p><p>“How am I supposed to do that? A spoon has more social grace than I do.”</p><p>“Spoons are very graceful.” He smiled shyly. “C’mon I’ll teach you.”</p><p>I grabbed his hips lightly, he stilled. “Stop thinking.” He looked slightly alarmed. “Are you uncomfortable, do you want me to stop?”</p><p>“No.” He said without hesitation. “This is just new, that’s all.”</p><p>“Ok. We’re going to a club with bad music, you don’t need to be performing Swan Lake, just let your body take control. Let the <em>music </em>take control.”</p><p>“I don’t know what I’m doing.” He said quietly.</p><p>“That doesn’t matter.” I walked over to his laptop, “give me a song, something upbeat and fast. Something you know every word to, every beat.”</p><p>“Ummm.” He considered it for a moment. “Maybe Elise by Saint Motel?”</p><p>I’d never heard of it, but that wasn’t surprising because I spent more time composing music than listening to music already composed. I turned up the speakers and walked back to Patroclus.</p><p>The start was quite slow and I was about to tell Patroclus to pick another one but then the song picked up, <em>yep this works</em> I thought to myself; smiling.</p><p>I grabbed his hips again and started moving them gently to the quick beat. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.</p><p>
  <em>“Taking a walk on the wild side</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Something on the way she moves</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Candle in the wind, and it’s blowing everywhere we go</em>
</p><p><em>All these girls got something going on”</em> </p><p>I liked the song and started moving carelessly, letting the beat seize my muscles. Patroclus moved his hands into the air and started dancing. The words were sharp and fast but he knew every one, singing loudly. As time went on, he seemed to become looser, less constricted by the feeling that he had to apologise for taking up space.</p><p>He opened his eyes and placed his hands on my waist, I smiled at him encouragingly. I felt something stir in my stomach then, something wild and feral. He grabbed my hands and we started jumping around the kitchen, blasting the lyrics and kicking the milk like rain.</p><p>
  <em>“The muses of the Greeks and Romans</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Dearly immortal, beloved Beethoven</em>
</p><p><em>They all lit a spark, and you know that they got it going”</em> </p><p>We were laughing and breathless, screaming the chorus into each-other’s faces; as if daring the other to sing louder. It didn’t take long for me to become familiar with the tune, predicting the melody and changes in pitch.</p><p>I felt free, and I think Patroclus did too. I had never seen him like this before, no hesitation, giving in to his every whim. I was enamoured by it. Even though his steps were messy where mine were fluid, we worked.</p><p>I’d danced with other people before; experienced dancers. But dancing with Patroclus was better. We were completely in sync, communicating with eyes and small gestures. We jumped and spun and completely lost control.</p><p>When the song finished our breaths were fast and rough. He was staring at me, rosy cheeks with flour coating his skin and egg shells decorating his hair. He took a step back and looked away apprehensively.</p><p>“See… not bad.” I beamed at him and the relief on his face made my heart flutter. We looked at each other and burst out laughing suddenly. I’m not entirely sure what we were laughing about, but it was amazing. I felt completely, truly happy.</p><p>Something shifted between us then. When we took our dance breaks, Patroclus’s steps were still muddled chaotic but his hips swayed smoothly and his hands moved freely; he had a smile on his face that was so bright and warm it could compete with the sun.</p><p>He’d always been honest with me, but now he seemed more open; more relaxed and spontaneous. <em>He was starting to trust me, </em>I thought to myself with pure joy.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>My friend and I got a bit carried away with the texting but it’s soooo much fun, (do you guys like it or is it annoying?)</p><p>I did wonder if crying over pancakes was a bit too dramatic, but then I remembered I’d cried over less, and Achilles is dramaticTM. </p><p>Yay, we get a party next chapter, and then everyone comes back. I know these last few chapters have been full of tooth rotting fluff, but it’s going to get a bit angsty now-if I don’t carried carried away on all the cutesy moments. Then I’ll write some sweet chapters for Christmas because I can :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Fuck Toxic Masculinity</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“So… what kind of party is this?” I asked him.<br/>“A Halloween one.”<br/>“You know what I mean.”<br/>“A house party.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: Abusive parents, sexual references, underage drinking.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p><p>“Why are all the girl costumes sexy? Sexy ghost, sexy witch, I mean there’s even a sexy zombie.” Achilles said whilst looking at the polyester costumes folded impossibly small into little plastic bags.</p><p>“It’s annoying isn’t it?” He looked at me, confused. “I mean women shouldn’t be pressured into wearing something sexual, they should have a choice-”</p><p>“What?” He interrupted. “No, Patroclus I mean… there should be more sexy options for boys. What if I wanted to be a sexy zombie, not just a regular zombie.”</p><p>I stopped looking at the cans of coloured hairspray and gaped at him. “So… you don’t think women should be less sexualised?”</p><p>“Yeah sure, I’m just a little bit jealous I guess.”</p><p>I snickered at this. “You could make your clothes sexier if you wanted.” <em>Gods why was I suggesting this? </em>“Cut them shorter or whatever.”</p><p>He beamed at me. “But what to choose?”</p><p>We were in a small convenience shop in the local village, it took us 20 minutes to ride our bikes here (because <em>of course</em> the school has a specialised supply of bikes). The party was in Truro, and we’d have to ride the train there later.</p><p>Achilles had got us two tickets to a house party from one of his rich running friends. Costumes were mandatory - so there we were.</p><p>It was one of those charming little Cornish villages, with more ice-cream shops than cars. Each house was painted a different pastel colour and the roads were cobbled. Everything was clean, quaint and lovely.</p><p>The residents were white middle-class over 50s who wore leather gloves and walking boots. They were intrigued by us, looking mildly suspicious. I pulled my hood down and took my earphones out, regretting my choice to wear joggers, Achilles looked over at me in amusement.</p><p>The choices for a Halloween costume were abysmal, this town did not have many people who would attend Halloween parties. “Ugh! There’s nothing here.” Achilles moaned, earning a harsh look from the woman at the counter. I sent her an apologetic look and Achilles rolled his eyes.</p><p>“Why don’t we buy some of the makeup and see what we can make from clothes we have back at Phthia.” I suggested.</p><p>“Yeah, ok.” He started flicking absentmindedly through magazines by the counter. “Next year we’ll be more prepared.” He held up a magazine with an almost naked woman on the cover, wiggling his eyebrows.</p><p>I snatched it off him and placed it back; blushing wildly. The woman at the counter was glaring at us so hard it felt like lasers were searing through my skull. “She’s going to chuck us out soon.” I whispered in his ear.</p><p>He chuckled, “ooo how exciting.”</p><p>“Not if we don’t get anything.” I grabbed his arm and walked him back to the Halloween section.</p><p>He put fake jewellery, multiple different coloured hair dyes, cheap costume makeup and eyeliner into a basket. He looked me up and down, considering something, then picked two packets from the shelves and added them to the basket faster than I could see.</p><p>He walked over to the counter, flashing the women one of his biggest smiles and handed her the items. I went to join them but Achilles glared at me: <em>don’t you dare. </em>I stayed where I was.</p><p>After he bought them, we left; he put his middle finger up to the woman at the counter. I punched him the arm when we were back on the street.</p><p>“Achilles that was rude.” I scolded him.</p><p>“And fun.” He added, I narrowed my eyes.</p><p>“You shouldn’t have fun at other people’s expense.” We started walking down the road. I adored Cornwall. This is the first time I’d actually left Phthia since I arrived; it was so beautiful. The oranges of October made me feel warm and cosy and the harsh wind hitting my face was refreshing. “What are you hiding?” I asked Achilles.</p><p>“Your costume.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Just felt like it.” He waved the bag in front of my face.</p><p>“But I’m gonna find out when I put it on.” We were slowly walking back to our bikes on the edge of the village.</p><p>“You see that’s just not true. I’m going to blindfold you when you put it on, and then I’ll do your makeup, you can see after that.”</p><p>“I’m not a doll.”</p><p>“It’ll be fun Patroclus, trust me.”</p><p>I thought about it, <em>what’s the worst that can happen? I have a terrible Halloween costume?</em> I didn’t really care and Achilles looked so hopeful, “yeah… ok.”</p><p>He smiled widely, it was different to how he smiled at the woman at the shop; it was spontaneous and genuine. “Do you want to get lunch?” I asked him.</p><p>He hummed into approval. “Yep, I’m starving.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>I was greeted with a blanket of warm air and the smell of freshly-baked cherry scones. There was pastel bunting and paintings of the coast lining the walls. It was wonderful. I looked over to see Achilles staring at me, “like it?” He asked.</p><p>I nodded and he dragged us to the counter. There were several different types of cake and pastries in a glass display. Toffee cake, carrot cake, croissants, soufflés, shortbread in the shape of stars and chocolate cookies… I ogled them; my father was never a big fan of sweet food.</p><p>“Patroclus stop drooling and order something.” Achilles snapped me out of my haze. I looked up, surprised to see a girl at the counter.</p><p>She was around our age, I think. With short blue hair and a nose ring, I thought she was very pretty. “Hi.” I said, lamely.</p><p>She laughed. “Hi. What would you like to order?” She was looking at me in a way I couldn’t quite understand, <em>fondness? Intrigue?</em></p><p>“Hot chocolate and uhh…” I paused surveying the various options. After ten seconds, I started to freak out; I couldn’t choose.</p><p>“I could surprise you… if you want?” I let out a breath in relief, she chuckled softly.</p><p>“Oh, um, would you? That would be great.” I said, looking at my shoes.</p><p>“Yeah of course. I’ve tried all of it, so I know what’s good.” She leaned forward towards me, there was nobody behind me in the line so I asked:</p><p>“You seem quite young, do you- uhh, live around here?” Achilles was watching the whole scene with a sort of annoyed amusement.</p><p>“This is my grandparent’s shop. I like to come here during school holidays.”</p><p>“I don’t blame you, it’s beautiful.”</p><p>“Yeah.” She smiled. “How about you? I don’t see many other teenagers here.”</p><p>“Oh I go to Pythia.” She raised her eyebrows. “Me and Achilles came here to get a Halloween costume.” I gestured towards the bag.</p><p>“Private school boy, eh?” I nodded shyly. “You’re cute, I’ll put extra cream on your hot chocolate.”</p><p>I blushed, “I-uhh, thank you.” And grabbed Achilles’s arm, pulling him to a table.</p><p>“What was that?” He asked me, laughing.</p><p>“You really think I know?” I was fiddling with the table cloth.</p><p>“She was flirting with you.”</p><p>“What!? No she wasn’t.”</p><p>“Yes she was. Trust me, I know. She called you cute.”</p><p>“Exactly.”</p><p>“What?</p><p>“That’s like what you’d say to a child… or a dog.”</p><p>Achilles snorted. “I’d be concerned if she looked at children like she was looking at you.” He paused. “Like she wanted to eat you.” I coughed loudly. “She meant cute as a compliment.”</p><p>“But… that doesn’t make any sense.”</p><p>He leaned forward, frowning. “Why not?”</p><p>“Well, I’m awkward and scrawny. Why me? Why not you?”</p><p>“Maybe I’m just not her type.” He paused. “No. that’s not it, I’m everyone’s type. Hmmm, why <em>not</em> me?”</p><p>She came over to our table with a tray. My hot chocolate had so much cream and marshmallows on top that it was falling over the sides; Achilles had barely any. she placed a mozzarella and tomato panini in front of me, and a chocolate croissant next to that.</p><p>“Thank you.” I said, Achilles narrowed his eyes.</p><p>“No problem… Patroclus right?” I nodded. “You can have the croissant on the house.”</p><p>“Oh, ugh, thank you.” </p><p>She smiled, blue lipstick crinkling at the edges. “Didn’t go overboard on the cream did I?”</p><p>“No, it’s lovely.” I drank some of the hot chocolate, but I leaned down too far and some of the cream brushed my nose.</p><p>She wiped it off my face, and put her finger in her mouth, licking lick it off. “Mmm,” she said. My jaw dropped. “What? I like cream.” With that, she winked and walked away.</p><p>“I think you’re right.” I told Achilles.</p><p>“Yeah, <em>obviously.”</em> He started eating his ham and cheese sandwich, “you’re terrible at it.”</p><p>“At what?”</p><p>“Flirting.” He started eating the whipped cream from my mug.</p><p>“Yeah. I know,” I slapped his hand away.</p><p>“What if someone tries to talk to you tonight?”</p><p>“I’ll talk back.”</p><p>“But I mean what if she <em>likes </em>you, and you <em>like </em>her.” <em>Or him,</em> I thought to myself; but he doesn’t need to know that yet.</p><p>“You sound like a child.”</p><p>“Well… you’re inexperienced.”</p><p>“I didn’t realise we were going to flirt with people.”</p><p>“It wouldn’t hurt.” He sipped his hot chocolate. “Plus I’ve been <em>really</em> horny the past few days, so it’s probably best to get it out of my system.”</p><p>I slid down my chair. “Ahhh. Too much information.”</p><p>He laughed at me. “See this is what I mean. You get all awkward and embarrassed when somebody says anything sexual.”</p><p>“I’ll probably grow out of it.”</p><p>“What? When you get more experience?”</p><p>I flushed, downing the last of my hot chocolate.</p><p>OoO</p><p>Once we were finished and ready to brace the cold, Achilles stopped on the way out. “Why did you flirt with Patroclus, and not me?” He asked the girl at the counter, I stared at him in horror.</p><p>“You look like my ex-girlfriend.” Achilles paled and practically ran out of the shop.</p><p>We were on our bikes, riding along the rich countryside, when Achilles spoke. “Did she mean I look like a girl? Is she blind or something? Look at my muscles.” He took one hand off the handlebars and flexed his biceps.</p><p>“Very impressive.” I deadpanned. “What’s wrong with looking like a girl anyways?”</p><p>“You think I look like a girl? Is it the hair?”</p><p>His hair just reached his shoulders, he had it tied up in a small bun at the back of his head, with escaped golden strands framing his face. His features were fine, delicate. From the curve of his lip to the graceful arch of his cheekbone. But he also had a rogue boyishness to him to him that contradicted this; complimented it.</p><p>And his body was… well, not a girl’s body. He was lithe and willowy, but not in a lanky way like me. His muscles were defined and there was no softness to him; a runner’s body. His fingers were long and quick, his movements were always elegant; but he rarely stayed still. Plus, he liked to wear boxers and tight joggers, and it’s not like I purposely <em>looked</em> but I, ummm, did notice a certain bulge. I think he might do it on purpose, because of what I said about the dick measuring contest.</p><p>“You’ve been staring at me for a solid minute Patroclus, make up your mind.” He snatched me from my thoughts.</p><p>“There’s nothing wrong with being compared to a girl. Girls are pretty, why wouldn’t you want to be pretty?”</p><p>His expression instantly lightened. “You’re right. I am pretty. Whilst being strong and masculine. I’m amazing.”</p><p>I chuckled, most people would find his vanity off-putting, but I found myself admiring it. It did annoy me how he paid little attention to things that didn’t involve himself – or me, but I couldn’t even imagine having that amount of self confidence. “Race you back?” I said, going as fast as my legs could take me.</p><p>“Last one there has a smaller dick.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>In my room, he blindfolded me with an old t-shirt and handed me a bag of clothes. He led me into the bathroom and I heard the door click. I could take the blindfold off easily, but I didn’t want to ruin the surprise.</p><p>The first thing I pulled out were trousers, jeans I think. They were probably Achilles’s because they felt expensive, and they weren’t mine because my father didn’t allow me to have holes in my jeans.</p><p>We were the same height and had similar builds, he had more muscle mass than I did but training for hours every morning for the past few weeks had definitely helped me in the fitness department. However, when I tried to pull them over my thighs, they felt impossibly tight.</p><p>“Achilles.” I called. “I don’t think these jeans fit.”</p><p>“They’re supposed to be tight Patroclus, you just always wear jeans too big for you.” He chuckled.</p><p>“No. You just wear jeans too <em>small </em>for you.” I grunted, zipping them up.</p><p>“You can change them if you don’t like it, but put the stuff on first and then decide.”</p><p>“Ugh fine.” I went in the bag and pulled out something that felt like a top. It was very light and long sleeved, he probably bought this at the store – it felt like a cheap material. <em>Who knew wearing all those expensive clothes would make me such a material snob? </em>I thought to myself, chuckling.</p><p>I pulled it over my head, careful not to move the blindfold. “I’m done.” I shouted to Achilles, he came in and… <em>did I just hear him swallow? </em>He was silent for a while, I desperately wanted to see the expression on his face. “Oh gods, is it awful?”</p><p>“Umm, no. Y-you should wear skinny jeans more often.” He laughed awkwardly. “Get all the girls.”</p><p>“Right.” I replied.</p><p>He guided me back to my room and then I felt cold air hit my collar bone as he loosened the string at the collar of my shirt. He put a large hoodie over my head and gave me some joggers to cover the jeans. “I want it all the be revealed at once.” He explained.</p><p>“You’re so extra.”</p><p>He pulled the blindfold off and I winced at the blinding light. After my vision adjusted I saw an array of bags on the floor. “Sit down.” He said.</p><p>I sat on the floor and Achilles starting working on my face with those nimble fingers, gently applying some black liquid to my eyes. He used the same eyeliner to draw something on my face. I could feel his breath on my face and suppressed a shiver as I saw his mouth was open in concentration.</p><p>He put something soft on my lips and I flinched at the contact. “Lip gloss?” I asked quietly.</p><p>“Couldn’t help myself.” He whispered, I didn’t know why we were whispering but it felt right.</p><p>After he’d applied the smooth lotion to my lips with far more precision than I thought possible, <em>why did it take five minutes? </em>He pulled back abruptly, “I need to stop now or I’ll go too far and ruin it.”</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>He moved a bag from his side and it clattered like… jewellery? I raised my eyebrows. “It’ll make sense when you see it.”</p><p>“Ok.” I said again. I tried not to think about it too much because I didn’t want to ruin it for myself.</p><p>He slid multiple gold rings on my fingers, <em>don’t think! </em>He clasped fake dangly earrings onto my ears and placed multiple necklaces over my head. He tied a red bandana around my head. <em>Don’t think about bandanas! Think about bananas instead. Bananas in pyjamas, was that a show? I remember the theme tune but not the bananas themselves.</em></p><p>I kept trying to recall bananas in pyjamas as Achilles guided me to his room and then carefully pulled the hoodie and joggers off. “Why are we in your room?” I inquired.</p><p>“I have a full body mirror in there.”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>“Don’t be sarcastic, it’s very useful.”</p><p>“To check yourself out?” I chuckled.</p><p>“Yes.” He said with complete seriousness. “And right now it’s useful to check <em>you </em>out.”</p><p>He turned me toward the mirror and my jaw hung open, I looked… good. He’d dressed me up as a pirate. I had an insane amount of black around my eyes and he’d painted a little black cross at the top of my cheekbone.  My lips were glossy and… I kind of liked it.</p><p>He had tied a red bandana to my head, and made my hair even messier than it usually was. The top was a white medieval looking shirt that tied up at the top of my chest and hung loosely on my upper body. The jeans on the other hand were very far from loose. They were snug on my thighs, calves and arse. I placed my hand gently on my butt, as if to hide it; Achilles laughed suddenly.</p><p>“Are you feeling yourself up? I mean I don’t blame you-”</p><p>“What? No.” I interrupted. “I’m just self conscious, I’ve never worn <em>anything </em>like-like this.”</p><p>“Why are you self conscious? You look hot as fuck, trust me. Those Pamela Reif ‘booty workouts’ are paying off.”</p><p>Achilles had made us do a bum workout <em>every </em>day this week. I’d always complain, “what’s the point Achilles? It’s not gonna make us fitter.”</p><p>“I beg to differ - it will definitely make us <em>fitter</em>.” He replied.</p><p>“You know that’s not what I meant.”</p><p>“Boys who skip legs and booty day are stupid. What’s the point of having abs if you’re flatter than the pancakes we had this morning.”</p><p>“Some people prefer that.” I replied, lying on the gym floor.</p><p>“Well I don’t.” And for some reason that convinced me.</p><p>And now we were there, in front of Achilles’s mirror, staring at my arse. “You can change if you’re not comfortable.”</p><p>I thought about it for a second – I did feel self conscious, but I liked the way I looked; <em>I should try to leave my comfort bubble every now and again</em>. “I’m not comfortable, but I think I’ll stay like this.”</p><p>He beamed at me, bright and pure. “I’ll go and get changed, then we can leave for the train station.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>Achilles was dressed as a cat - in black jeans (somehow tighter than mine) and a black crop top. He’d painted whiskers onto his cheeks and a black cat flick onto his eye. “Most people will think we dressed up as a pirate and cat.” He told me. “But we’re actually Johnny Depp in different eras of his career.” I burst out laughing.</p><p>We were on the train to Truro, sitting opposite each other? I felt ridiculous, but Achilles didn’t seem to care. “You’re less dressed up than I thought you’d be.” I said to him.</p><p>“Sometimes less is more.” I raised my eyebrows at him. “And I spent most of my time on you.”</p><p>I started fidgeting with my sleeve. “Sorry.”</p><p>He snorted, “don’t be sorry. It was totally worth it.” I offered him a shy smile.</p><p>“So… what kind of party is this?” I asked him.</p><p>“A Halloween one.”</p><p>I glared at him playfully. “You know what I mean.”</p><p>“A house party.” He had one leg on the seat beside him and one on the table on front of us, an old man kept sending him disgusted looks over his copy of The Sun.</p><p>“Will everyone know each other? Will there be any supervision?” I asked, worried.</p><p>“Probably not and no, there won’t be any supervision.” I sighed. “Look Patroclus, you don’t want to go to a supervised Halloween party. It would be full of year 7s daring their friends to hold hands.”</p><p>“And what will this one be full off.”</p><p>He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. I groaned, putting my head in my hands. “Whoa, watch the makeup.”</p><p>I looked up at him. “I thought it was meant to be messy.”</p><p>He slumped back into his chair. “You’re right, keep being anxious.”</p><p>After a few minutes Achilles spoke again: “Patroclus, What are you going to do if you like someone? Of if someone approaches you?”</p><p>I started fumbling with my sleeves again. “I don’t know, they probably won’t anyways.”</p><p>Achilles stared at me, then snickered. “You really don’t know how attractive you are.” I hid in my hands again. “What will you do if I go off with somebody else?” He asked.</p><p>I looked up, alarmed. “What?”</p><p>“Well, I did tell you. I’ve been really horny this past week and right now it’s even worse for some reason… so what will you do if I go off with a girl?”</p><p>I swallowed, I did <em>not </em>want to think about Achilles going off with a girl “I’ll be fine. I could…” I coughed, “Wait?”</p><p>He sighed. “I just thought maybe you could find someone as well?”</p><p>I squirmed, “I can’t see that happening?”</p><p>“Patroclus, have you ever kissed a girl?”</p><p>I wanted to tell him about Dorian, really I did; and I would soon. But what if he didn’t want to be friends with a hopeless queer? I didn’t think he was homophobic but it would break my heart if he was, and I didn’t know if I could take that. “No. I haven’t kissed a girl.” <em>You’re weak Patroclus.</em></p><p>Achilles looked a little taken back. “Well, maybe you can tonight eh?” He rubbed my hair affectionately. Achilles was always casually touching me, I was starting to get used to it, but sometimes it took me off guard. <em>Let your guard down, </em>a part of my brain screamed at me.</p><p>“Are-you-a-virgin?” I said in one breath.</p><p>The man who was sending glares at us stood up and muttered “fucking teenagers” under his breath. I felt shame well up in me.</p><p>Achilles flagged him and I sunk even lower into my seat. “Don’t worry about him, he’s just a snobby brat.” He leaned towards me. “And yeah, I’m still a virgin.”</p><p>I looked up at him in surprise. “Really?” I didn’t know much about the subject but I was pretty sure the most of the boys at my old school had lost their virginity in the summer (some had even lost it before then), and the more popular you were, the more likely it was.</p><p>He laughed softly. “Yeah. Most of the boys have, but I don’t know if you you noticed… I’m not that sociable. I spend most of my time by myself.”</p><p>“But you’re confident and people practically fawn over you.” I felt a blush rise in my face, Achilles, on the other hand, looked perfectly calm.</p><p>“I get why you’d think that – I flirt with almost everyone but… I never actually take it very far.” He placed his hand on my sleeve, to stop me from fidgeting. “I’ve done other stuff though.”</p><p><em>Don’t ask! Don’t ask! </em>“Like what?”</p><p>He grinned at me. “I’m glad you asked, my sexually repressed friend.”</p><p>“Shut up.”</p><p>He giggled. “I’ve had one hand job, three blow jobs and I’ve fingered a girl three times.” (Is this realistic?? I know NOTHING.) When I hear other boys talk about what they’ve done, they sound like conquests but Achilles just states it; matter of factly.</p><p>I drew my knees to my chest. “Now I understand why you think I’m a prude.”</p><p>“No. You’re not a prude because you’re inexperienced. I, for one find that quite adorable.” I blushed again. “You’re a prude because this conversation makes you want to curl into a ball and die.”</p><p>“If you know that, why are you still discussing it with me?”</p><p>“Because I want you to be able to be open with me. And maybe it’ll help you get past the awkwardness if you’re exposed to it more.”</p><p>“And you’re planning to expose me to sex, how?”</p><p>He laughed. “You see. I want to hear all the dirty jokes you have up there.” He tapped the bandana on my forehead, “it can’t be all kindness and unicorns and adorableness and funny insults.”</p><p>“Well… I’m a pretty closed person so it’ll take time for me to be comfortable with that. I suppose you can use it as a test for your stamina.” I managed to say with a completely straight face, <em>well done, Patroclus.</em></p><p>Achilles chortled. “<em>That’s </em>what I’m talking about. And for your information, my stamina is excellent.” He didn’t break eye contact, I thought I might combust.</p><p>“Your patience is abysmal though.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>People. Bodies. Everywhere. We were in one of the living rooms. The music was banging like drums in my ears, forcing me to shout at Achilles. “I HATE THIS.”</p><p>“WE’LL STAY FOR AN HOUR AND IF YOU STILL HATE IT, WE CAN GO.”</p><p>“WHAT ABOUT YOUR HOOKUP?”</p><p>He snorted, but didn’t say anything about it. He led me to a table on the edge of the room, it was quieter over here. “Have you decided about the drinking thing? Because I won’t drink if you don’t want to.”</p><p>I smiled at him appreciatively. I was wary about drinking, it reminded me of my father. He was always at his worse when he was drinking, and he was always drinking. I grew up despising the stuff. <em>What if I turned into him when I drank? What if other people had to suffer because I grew addicted? </em>I felt dread rise up in me.</p><p>But my father always drunk scotch or whiskey, this was cheap wine and dodgy beer. I didn’t want my father to have control over everything I did. I wasn’t like him, I couldn’t turn into him, I <em>couldn’t.</em> He was already cruel, the alcohol just amplified it. I shouldn’t make my decisions based on him, I <em>wouldn’t</em>. “Yeah.” I said finally. “I think I’ll try it.”</p><p>He smiled at me. “Yay! I didn’t want to pressure you but I’m <em>really </em>glad you said yes.” The only light in the room was from the colourful lights that were installed into the ceiling, flashing to the beat. The table was sticky and I winced away from it as Achilles poured us both drinks.</p><p>“What is it?” I asked, sniffing the liquid.</p><p>“No idea.” He chugged it whole and starting refilling it.</p><p>“Bloody hell.” I said, “you don’t even know what it is.”</p><p>“Just because you’re a lightweight.”</p><p>I frowned at him. “I bet I can take it better than you.”</p><p>“Oh yeah?” He glared at me. “I dare you to drink this in one go.” He poured more of the mysterious alcohol into my cup, until it was overflowing.</p><p>“Easy.” I snatched the cup from his hand and started drinking. I could feel the alcohol move though my body, warming me. My chest was tingling and my heart was beating louder than the music. It was dripping down my chin and my throat was protesting, begging for breath. I managed to finish though, slamming the cup on the table and inhaling sharply.</p><p>I didn’t feel any different, just warmer, maybe I wasn’t a lightweight. “Eyyy, well done.” Achilles said, wiping the alcohol off my neck and chin. “Shame about the lipgloss though.”</p><p>Achilles was filled up another cup for me. “So what do we do now?”</p><p>“Dance?” He held out his hands.</p><p>I took his hands and he led me past moving bodies to the centre of the large room.</p><p>I felt something hit me. “Achilles.” I whispered in his ear, we were pressed closely together.</p><p>“Yeah?” He replied, moving his ear to my mouth.</p><p>“I think someone just hit my arse.”</p><p>He chuckled, “yeah that happens.” Seeing my uneasy expression he said: “Are you ok? Do you want me to find them and beat them up?”</p><p>“What? No.” I drunk the last of my drink. “Let’s just dance yeah?”</p><p>He finished his drink too, then he took mine and threw them both in the floor. I glared at him, pouting. “The floor’s already littered, two cups won’t make a difference.” He said.</p><p>I bent down to pick them up, someone slapped my arse again. I heard Achilles hiss at them “<em>fuck off</em>.”</p><p>There were feet everywhere, threatening to squash my fingers. I didn’t know which cups were ours, so I just picked up as many as I could carry and took them to the bin; Achilles on my heels. Once I’d disposed of them, he gripped my arm, urging me back to the dancing.</p><p>Achilles was right, drinking made it easier. I lost most of my usual awkwardness and inhibition, jumping and screaming the lyrics loudly. The lights weren’t too much anymore; they were thrilling.</p><p>I welcomed the bodies surrounding me, I craved physical touch and so did they, closing me in and trapping me in a dance of blind happiness.</p><p>Achilles stayed with me, the only constant in the crush of bodies. We clutched each other, smiling and screaming and swirling. He was beautiful, swathed in light and pleasure. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears and my heart like a balloon in my chest, I thought it would explode at any moment. I felt wild and feral and <em>free.</em></p><p>People noticed him, he drew them in like fireflies to the sun. He kept all his attention focused on me though, me and the music. Apparently he’d forgotten about his ‘hookup’ because he kept ignoring advances, and I was too drunk to scold him for his rudeness or myself for the giddiness that accompanied every refusal.</p><p>OoO</p><p>The sky was pitch black now, and people were starting to disperse. The music was slower and hands were careless. There were couples grinding against each other on the dance floor and making out in corners.</p><p>Achilles and I were swaying slowly to the music, arms over each other’s shoulders. I had drunk four more drinks of that mysterious liquid and my brain was a useless pile of blissful goo.</p><p>Two girls walked over to us, one was dressed as a witch and the other was dressed as a cat. “We’re matching.” The cat girl said to Achilles, she had pale white skin and black hair cut into a harsh bob.</p><p>“Yes. I believe we are.” Achilles drawled, leaning closer to her. He was taller than her, but not by much.</p><p>“I’m Petra and this is Medea.” She gestured to the blonde witch girl, who was staring at me; I gulped.</p><p>“I’m Achilles and this is Patroclus.” He slurred all his words, well every word except my name. He nudged me in the side, smirking.</p><p>“Want to get out of here?” Medea asked.</p><p>Achilles looked at me, <em>do you want to get out of here?</em> I nodded to him. “Yeah ok.” He said.</p><p>OoO</p><p>“Hobnobs or digestives?” Petra asked, drinking wine from the bottle.</p><p>“Digestives.” I replied at the same time Achilles said:</p><p>“Hobnobs.” Our legs were dangling over the low bridge. “You have no taste Patroclus.” Achilles drawled and Medea giggled at my side.  </p><p>“Ok, my turn.” She said, she had her head on my shoulders; she smelt like jasmine and red wine. “Would you rather kill or be killed?”</p><p>“Kill.” Achilles answered.</p><p>“I agree with Achilles.” Petra announced, standing up and twirling around messily.</p><p>“Be killed.” I said quietly.</p><p>Achilles laughed, “I wouldn’t let that happen.” He stood up too. “Patroclus, I dare you to do a sexy dance on one leg.” The girls burst out laughing.</p><p>I sighed. “I can’t even do a sexy dance on two legs.” Medea and I stood up to join them.</p><p>“I can help you.” She murmured.</p><p>Achilles paled. “Nope. He has to do it by himself.”</p><p>“I hate you.” I muttered, he smirked in response.</p><p>Medea whispered into Petra’s ear, she snickered and typed something into her phone. “What are you doing?” I asked, dizzy from standing up.</p><p>“Music. We were thinking ‘Or Nah’ for your special dance?” Medea replied, Achilles burst out laughing as I looked at him in bewilderment.</p><p>“Thirty seconds. Go.” He said and the music started.</p><p>The lyrics were so dirty it made WAP sound like a Christian anthem. It took most of my concentration not to fall.</p><p>“Boo.” They howled.</p><p>“Take it off!” Achilles shouted, I looked at him , <em>huh? </em>“Your top.” He rolled his eyes.</p><p>They were cheering and wolf whistling as I slowly pulled my shirt over my head with unstable fingers, trying the move my hips to the music. Sober Patroclus would have been mortified, this Patroclus was far from sober. Medea was staring at me and Achilles was watching both of us over his bottle of wine, eyebrows furrowed.</p><p>“Time.” Petra said. I let my leg down, feeling the world spin around me and barely processing the cold air on my chest. “Medea, I dare you to stand on the bridge and scream as loud as you can.”</p><p>I supported her as she stood on the ledge of the low bridge and screamed. “FUCKKKKK!”</p><p>“Oi.” Someone called form the distance. “What are you doing?”</p><p>Medea jumped down from the bridge, surprisingly stable. “Police.” She said. “Run.”</p><p>We ran, I tried to only focus on on my feet and the earth. Not the shouting behind me, or the sickness in my stomach. We ran through several streets and roads, Achilles held my hand so I wouldn’t fall.</p><p>After about thirty minutes of running we were on the edges of the small city and the girls stopped abruptly. “We’ve outrun them.” Medea managed between breaths. “Do you think he saw me?”</p><p>“What do you mean?” Achilles asked, stroking my back as I tried to breath and not throw up.</p><p>“That was her dad.” Petra replied. “I’m pretty sure he didn’t know it was us Medea, don’t worry.”</p><p>I held onto Achilles and tried to stand up straight. “Maybe we should go back now?”</p><p>“Or you could stay?” Petra said, leaning into Achilles.</p><p>He looked between us. “We won’t be able to go back on the train without a shirt for Patroclus, so we should probably get back.” He started pulling me further into the forest.</p><p>I looked back to see disappointment on the girls’ faces. “It was nice to meet you.” I smiled at them.</p><p>OoO</p><p>“I cannot deal with these jeans anymore.” I moaned to Achilles, we’d been walking for an hour now.</p><p>“Well I didn’t know you were going to leave your top on a bridge, did I?”</p><p>“Fuck it.” I stopped, pulling the jeans off.</p><p>Achilles eyes widened. “Drunk Patroclus has no dignity.”</p><p>“Sober Achilles has no dignity.”</p><p>He laughed. “I feel overdressed now.”</p><p>“How you wear these jeans all the time astounds me.”</p><p>“You have to suffer for fashion.” I snorted, he handed me the bottle of wine he’d been carrying.</p><p>“I probably shouldn’t.”</p><p>“But you want to.” I took the bottle form his hands and took a gulp.</p><p>“You’re a terrible influence on me.”</p><p>He thought about this, frowning. “I don’t think so. Did you have fun tonight?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“When’s the last time you had that much fun?”</p><p>I smiled shyly at him in response, punching him in the arm.</p><p>We trudged through stretches of countryside and dead villages, talking incoherent nonsense to each other. After another two hours we were walking through the last span of countryside, alcohol disposed and the rain started to pour.</p><p>“Fuck, fuck, <em>fuck!</em>” I shouted, feeling the cruel water hit my bare skin.</p><p>Achilles looked over in pity, he took his crop top off. “We shouldn’t have long left.” He gave me the wet material.</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>“Do you want the trousers as well?” He started to unzip them.</p><p>“No! No, it’s ok. Imagine trying to put those on wet.” I let out a breath of relief when he zipped them back up.</p><p>“That’s true.” We walked in cold, wet silence for a few minutes until I said:</p><p>“I love Cornwall, I used to go here every summer with my mother.” My brain seemed to have no control of my tongue.</p><p>“Not anymore?”</p><p>“No.” I said, kicking at the gravel pathway.</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“She left me when I was seven. I don’t blame her, I would leave too if I was married to Menoetius.”</p><p>He swallowed, “she shouldn’t have left you Patroclus. And your father? Is he not the type to go on family trips to Cornwall?”</p><p>I snorted, thinking about father and son holidays with Menoetius.</p><p>We were walking slowly, wallowing in the rain and each other’s presence. “What is he like? Your dad.”</p><p>“He’s... he’s not a very nice person.” Achilles furrowed his eyebrows. We were at the edge of the school, it would take us about thirty minutes to make it back to the room. “He doesn’t like me very much.” I was studying the goosebumps on my skin.</p><p>“What? Why?” I could tell that he was trying to contain his interest, he didn’t want to pressure me.</p><p>“I’ve often asked myself the same thing honestly. Too weak? Not manly enough? Useless? Maybe I just remind him of my mother.”</p><p>“He’s the stupid one. If he can’t see how amazing you are-”</p><p>“Don’t.” I said, tears welling in my eyes.</p><p>We walked the rest of the way back in tense silence, Achilles obviously wanted to ask more but he held his words back. He used the key I’d hidden by a pillar and opened the doors to the main entrance, gripping my wet skin so I didn’t fall. On the way in, I felt my stomach turn.</p><p>“Oh shit.” I said, just before I was sick over Achilles’s shoes. He jumped back in surprise, I looked up, mortified. He laughed at me, slightly easing the knot in my chest and took his trainers off.</p><p>“I’m disgusting.” I babbled. “A wet shit sock. A gross bitch kebab.” And then I was sick again… and again.</p><p>Achilles abruptly stopped rubbing my back, “fuck!” He swore, before spewing into a plant pot.</p><p>We clung to each other and slowly made our way back to my room.</p><p>“I really need to shower.” I said, gripping the left side of the toilet.</p><p>“Me too.” He replied, clutching the right side of the toilet, we were cheek to cheek.</p><p>OoO</p><p>After we were both sure that we’d gotten most of the alcohol out of our system, we turned the shower on. My head was clearer, but still foggy.</p><p>There was sick on Achilles’ top, so I took it off with the jewellery and made my way into the shower; boxers on. Achilles started taking off his jeans.</p><p>“Wuh-what are you doing?” I asked as stepped onto the shower.</p><p>“Tired. Need sleep. Didn’t want to wait.”</p><p>I didn’t have the mental capacity to freak out and I was glad for the human contact. “Ok.”</p><p>I wouldn’t realise until the next morning that there was another shower in the room, <em>maybe he didn’t want to be alone? Maybe he didn’t even notice the other shower?</em></p><p>We shared the water and slowly cleaned the smell of alcohol and sick from our bodies. Achilles washed my hair carefully, so I did the same to him with unsteady fingers. I didn’t want him to ever stop, the feeling of his hands massaging my scalp was almost more relaxing than the alcohol. It felt more intimate than my kiss with Dorian, but it wasn’t sexual; just comforting and <em>nice.</em></p><p>“Does your father hurt you Patroclus?” He asked, rubbing my temples with his smooth thumbs.</p><p>I shut my eyes. “Yes.”</p><p>“How does he hurt you?”</p><p>“He doesn’t like me Achilles.” I felt my sinuses heat up uncomfortably, <em>do not cry! </em>“I’m a… <em>disappointment</em> to him.”</p><p>“Then he’s stupid.”</p><p>“No. That’s the thing. He’s not.” I opened my eyes and stared at him. “He’s smart. He <em>knows </em>I’m useless. A waste of space. And he’s always <em>there.</em>” Achilles looked confused. “In my head. Sometimes he’s quiet, but I can always hear him. <em>You’re a pussy Patroclus. You’re stupid and awkward and ugly and irritating and-and-” </em>I inhaled sharply, feeling the shower water run down my jaw.</p><p>Achilles held my cheeks in his palm. I could see the blind fury in his eyes and winced, he tried to mask it then. “<em>Wonderful. </em>You’re wonderful Patroclus.”</p><p>“No. Sometimes I wonder whether I’m like him. That’s why I was scared to drink, what if it turned me in to a monster? What if it turned me into him?”</p><p>“But you’re not like him. Not at all.”</p><p>I slid down the shower wall and pulled my knees to my chest, Achilles sat next to me. “Maybe I’m not. I’m weaker than him. I’m too… too sensitive.”</p><p>He placed his forehead against mine. “Patroclus.” He said in a low voice. “You know that being sensitive. <em>Feeling.</em>” He placed a hand over my heart, beating rapidly. “Feeling isn’t a weakness.”</p><p>“Sometimes, I wonder…” I looked at him, we were so close, noses touching. “I wonder whether I feel <em>too</em> much.”</p><p>“No. It’s one of the things that make you wonderful.”</p><p>“You’re-you’re wrong. You think I’m something that I’m not. I’m insecure and weak…”</p><p>“Stop.” Achilles said, pulling back. “<em>You’re </em>wrong, and your <em>father’s</em> wrong.”</p><p>I looked up at him in surprise, the tears were threatening to escape. I’d never discussed this out loud, somehow it made it feel more real. “He’s my father Achilles. He should love me unconditionally, but I’m that much of a disappointment that he… <em>doesn’t</em>.” The tears fell without my permission.</p><p>I tried to wipe them away but Achilles grabbed my hand. “It’s ok to cry Patroclus.”</p><p>And so I did. I cried for the days when he’d ignore me and I cried for the little boy who was told he took up more space than he was worth and I cried for the bruises that would form in the mornings.</p><p>“This is breaking my heart Patroclus.” Achilles seized my arms and drew me into a hug. He held me so tightly, it was difficult to breath. I clutched him back, grasping onto the solidity of his body. I felt his chest tremble as he started to cry as well.</p><p>We stayed like this until the shower went cold. Achilles stood up, shaking, to turn the shower off and then hauled my quivering body of the floor.</p><p>We climbed into my bunk. Usually I would have protested sharing a bed with Achilles, but I didn’t want to part from him. We didn’t even bother putting pyjamas on, content with just our boxers. We pulled the covers up and stared at each other in mutual understanding.</p><p>“I want to make a pact.” He whispered.</p><p>“What pact?”</p><p>“If one of us needs to cry, they can always cry in front if the other. No tears held back.”</p><p>I held out my pinky finger. “Fuck toxic masculinity.”</p><p>He gripped my pinky with his own. “Fuck toxic masculinity.”</p><p>We laughed softly then and I felt my sadness drain away slightly. <em>What did I ever do to deserve him? </em>“I’m so lucky.” I mumbled.</p><p>He looked confused. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“I’m so lucky that I… that I have you.” I shut my eyes then, feeling myself fall into sleep.</p><p>Just before my consciousness faded away I heard Achilles say: “I’m the lucky one.”</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This was a long one guysss, I’ve literally just been writing and reading all week (it’s been amazing). </p><p>Some things to know if you don’t live in the UK:</p><p>-legal drinking age is 18 but most people drink a lot earlier than this, and it’s just accepted. </p><p>-Age of consent is 16</p><p>—</p><p>Hope you enjoyed this one :) I don’t think I’ll manage to get Christmas chapters up for Christmas because I don’t want to rush anything but I’ll have some fluffy ones up. </p><p>Back to school next...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Agamelon</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Patroclus groaned and put his head in his hands, Penelope laughed loudly. “I wouldn’t have dreaded coming back to school if I knew I’d get to see Achilles Pelides deep throat a school jumper.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>Achilles tried to adjust to everyone coming back, Patroclus tells him something personal.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: Mentioned homophobia, sexual references.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Achilles:</strong>
</p><p>I walked into dining hall and saw everyone’s heads shoot up, well not <em>everyone’s - </em>Patroclus was immersed in conversation with Breseis.</p><p>After collecting my breakfast, I surveyed the room. There was my usual table looking at me expectantly; they were all either filthy rich or star athletes (typical). Diomedes beckoned for me me to sit by him. <em>There,</em> I thought, <em>I should sit there</em>. They’d bath me in attention and admiration, <em>I’ll sit there.</em></p><p>I made my way over but somehow I ended up pulling out a different chair and sitting opposite Patroclus. He looked up as I sat down, I smiled at him and started eating my breakfast. Patroclus decided not to question it and starting spooning cornflakes into his mouth, Breseis gaped at me.</p><p>“Pat?” She was gaping at him now.</p><p>“Hmm?” He replied.</p><p>“Why is golden boy sitting at our table?” She said <em>golden boy </em>as if it was an insult, a familiar insult that they probably used frequently to describe me. <em>They talk about me,</em> I thought smugly.</p><p>Patroclus shrugged, trying to be nonchalant but I think he was winding her up on purpose. “Ask him?”</p><p>“Golden boy, why are you sitting at our table?”</p><p>“Felt like a change in scenery.” Patroclus snorted, Breseis glared at him.</p><p>“<em>Patroclus.”</em></p><p>“It’s pointless to ask Achilles why he does the shit he does, he’ll probably just say: <em>I felt like it </em>or <em>if only I knew.</em>”</p><p>Penelope walked over to our table and sat next to Me. “Hey.” She said. “Achilles why aren’t you with your usual flock?”</p><p>“If only I knew.” I laughed and finished my coco pops.</p><p>“So did you two have fun staying here by yourselves all week?” Penelope inquired.</p><p>“Yeah.” I replied. “Kinda annoyed you all had to come back back honestly.”</p><p>“Achilles don’t be rude.” Patroclus scorned.</p><p>“Your wish is my command darling.”</p><p>Patroclus was blushing as he ate his cereal, everyone else was already finished. “I wish you’d shut up.”</p><p>I smiled at his rebuke, reaching forward and downing his water before he had a chance. He always likes to drink water after a meal.</p><p>“I wish you’d go and get me another drink of water.” He narrowed his eyes. “Without drinking it first.”</p><p>I poured him another glass of water from the buffet, adding extra ice. I walked right up to him and tipped it over his head. His eyes flashed before he collected himself, not giving me the satisfaction of his anger.</p><p>He peeled of his jumper and gave it to me as I sat back in my seat. The water had seeped through his white shirt and I was admiring the way the top clung to his chest. He sunk down the seat self consciously. “You seemed thirsty.” I raised my eyebrows at him, he rolled his eyes. “I wish you’d drink from my jumper.” Penelope laughed, Breseis looked like she just saw Zeus do a good deed.</p><p>I smirked at Patroclus and a part of my brain told me what I was about to do was a bad idea; I ignored it. I stared at Patroclus’s eyes as I brought his jumper to my lips. I sucked all the water out of one part and licked my lips as I rolled it up.</p><p>Patroclus paled as I stuffed as much if the jumper into my mouth as I could, making lewd noises. I gagged when I pushed it in too far. I was willing to keep going but Patroclus snatched it off me. “I didn’t say eat the fucking thing.” He placed it in his lap, it was dripping with water and my saliva.</p><p>“Well I was thirsty.” I remarked.</p><p>“Why are you talking now?”</p><p>“I want to. You’ve used all your wishes today Patroclus.”</p><p>Patroclus groaned and put his head in his hands, Penelope laughed loudly. “I wouldn’t have dreaded coming back to school if I knew I’d get to see Achilles Pelides deep throat a school jumper.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>I did not like Breseis. She was always <em>there. </em>When it was just Patroclus and I, he focused all his attention on me, now I have to share it. I don’t like sharing.</p><p>She has other friends, she doesn’t spend <em>all</em> her time with Patroclus but she spends enough time with him that her face has become a familiar annoyance. She doesn’t like me either, always sighing when I walk over or rolling her eyes when I speak.</p><p>The worst part is that Patroclus likes her too; always laughing at her jokes or leaning into their conversations.</p><p>Patroclus becomes shy and nervous when my friends sit or walk with us. He barely utters a word. Sometimes I can tell he has something to say but when I ask his opinion he shrugs or gives a one word answer. I’ve never hated the attention more. I wanted to tell them all to fuck off, but I knew Patroclus would get mad at me.</p><p>He could never talk to me privately when we were with other people. Patroclus never bothered vying for a spot next to me. He could talk privately to Breseis though, they’d lurk on the edges of the group and whisper to each other.</p><p><em>I should be happy for him. She makes him happy, he likes her</em>. I’d think to myself, but then I’d spot her fingers on his shoulders or catch her gaze lingering on him in the hallways. I’d feel jealousy and anger rise up in me, I’d figured out it was jealousy when I asked google why I felt this way.</p><p>I’d <em>never</em> experienced jealousy before, I’d always had everything I wanted. I despised this feeling that made me itch to kidnap Patroclus and keep him away from everybody else. We could live in a cottage in Cornwall, far away from school or Breseis or my minions.</p><p>“Patroclus, I’ve got netball practice in an hour, will you plait my hair?” She asked him. We’d managed to escape my friends and were sitting in the rose gardens.</p><p>“I would, but I don’t know how to. Sorry Breseis.” He was lying down between us, mindlessly playing with the grass.</p><p>“I could teach you Patroclus.” I took my hair out of its bun and sat up.</p><p>Patroclus rested on his elbows so he could see us. His shirt untucked a bit from his trousers and I could see the bottom of his stomach. “Yeah ok.”</p><p>“It’s better for me to teach you, my hair is thicker and curlier than Achilles’s.” Breseis said.</p><p>“Uhh, ok.” He sat up and turned towards her.</p><p>I grabbed his arm. “It’ll be difficult for Breseis to show you on her own hair. I’ll demonstrate for you.”</p><p>Before she could argue I separated her hair into three sections. “You start with a small piece of hair and split it into three parts.” I tugged at her hair because I couldn’t resist the urge, Breseis gasped and pulled away.</p><p>“Ow. What the fuck Achilles?” She scowled at me.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You just pulled my hair.”</p><p>“I was showing Patroclus. You’re just a baby with a low pain tolerance.”</p><p>“<em>Achilles.” </em>Patroclus said, that made my anger flare.</p><p>“I have <em>not </em>got a low pain tolerance and you did it on purpose.” She remarked.</p><p>“Your hair is really knotty. It’s not my fault it got tangled in my fingers.”</p><p>“Well at least I’m a girl.”</p><p>“<em>Breseis.” </em>Patroclus pleaded, this made me smile.</p><p>“I can have long hair if I fucking want, you whiny brat.” I snarled.</p><p>“<em>I’m </em>the whiny one?! You’ve got to be kidding me. <em>Patroclus look at me. Give me attention Patroclus.</em>”</p><p>“At least I’m not throwing myself at him like some desperate slut.”</p><p>“Oh my gods, <em>Achilles!</em>” Patroclus pulled at me, trying to stop me talking.</p><p>“You are though. You’re an arrogant fuck boy, how many girls have you been with for more than a week?”</p><p>“And how many boys have you been with Breseis? Have you ever even been with anyone? Or are you just a weak little virgin pining over someone who doesn’t like you back?</p><p>“It’s none of your business how many people I’ve been with. Gods, you’re such a dick. Patroclus why are you friends with him?”</p><p>“<em>Please </em>stop.” Patroclus was looking between us.</p><p>I snarled at Breseis. “I don’t know why he’s friends with me and it baffles me that he spends any time with <em>you.</em> But you’re just gonna have to get over the fact that he <em>is </em>friends with me; even if you wanna fuck him.”</p><p>Breseis laughed mirthlessly. “Are you sure I’m the one that wants to fuck him? I’ve seen the way you ogle him.”</p><p>Patroclus coughed awkwardly. “Breseis. <em>Stop</em>.”</p><p>She didn’t stop. “You’re too self absorbed to actually like someone. You’ve got a crush on him, haven’t you? You’re spending time with him because you want him to fuck you.”</p><p>“I’m not gay.”</p><p>“Keep telling yourself that.”</p><p>“And you stop mistaking your motives for mine. I <em>like </em>Patroclus. I <em>genuinely</em> like him and you’re ruining everything. Just because he doesn’t want to fuck you doesn’t mean you should take your jealousy out on other people.” <em>This argument has taken an odd turn. I guess I’ll just roll with it.</em></p><p>We were both standing up now, shouting at each other. “Stop using me like fuel for your arguments.” Patroclus said quietly.</p><p>“But you’re the reason I have to spend time with this dick.” She glared at me.</p><p>Patroclus put his head in his hands, I felt my heart sink, <em>what am I doing? </em>Breseis was insulting me. She was challenging me but not in the way Patroclus challenged me, she was trying to hurt me;<em> she’s trying to scare me off</em>. Nothing could scare me away from him. I needed her to know that. I <em>needed</em> him to know I was better than her, that I could argue better than her.</p><p>“Stop being a bitch Breseis.” She glowered at me. “It’s not my fault he’d rather fuck me.” Patroclus looked up at me, horrified. It was a stupid thing to argue about, we both knew it. But it was easier than asking who he wanted to spend time with, who he <em>liked </em>more; that question terrified me.</p><p>“That’s not true. Patroclus? Who would you rather fuck? Me or Achilles?”</p><p>“Don’t bother lying. You’d rather fuck me than <em>her.</em>” <em>What am I on about? I don’t even think he’s gay.</em></p><p>“Don’t listen to him. It’s me right?”</p><p>Patroclus looked physically wounded. “I can’t listen to this anymore. You’re both being nasty.” He walked away, I tried to follow him. “Don’t.” He shook his head, I think I saw tears in his eyes.</p><p>When I looked back at Breseis, regret was clear in her face. “What have we done?”</p><p>OoO</p><p>“What have <em>you</em> done?” I said.</p><p>“Me?” She put her hands in her hair in frustration. “You got jealous because I asked him to plait my hair!”</p><p>“Well-”</p><p>“No.” She interrupted me. “Patroclus was right. We were both being nasty. And cruel. We were trying to hurt each other but instead we just hurt him.”</p><p>She was right. Gods how I hated that she was right. “We have to fix this.”</p><p>“Yes.” She agreed.</p><p>“We have to find a way to get along.” I groaned.</p><p>“Or at least stop snapping at each other, maybe learn to tolerate the other’s presence. This is toxic.”</p><p><em>We could ask him to choose one of us, </em>I thought to myself. But the thought quickly evaporated. I couldn’t ask Patroclus to do that. He’d probably rather be alone than hurt one of us that way. But what if he did choose? What if he chose <em>her?</em></p><p><em>“</em>Learn to tolerate each other?” I held my hand out to her.</p><p>“For Patroclus.” She shook my hand.</p><p>OoO </p><p>We found him in the corridor outside his dorm, bouncing a black rubber ball at the wall. He must have heard us coming towards him but he didn’t look up. <em>He’s angry. </em>Unlike me he can contain his anger, compassionate little shit that he is.</p><p>We sat either side of him. “Pat.” Breseis said. “We’re sorry.”</p><p>Patroclus’s jaw clenched. “It’s ok.”</p><p>“It’s not ok.” I placed a hand in his shoulder, he flinched. I swallowed my hurt and carried on talking. “We shouldn’t have used you to fuel our arguments. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Me and Achilles, we’ll get along from now on. No arguments.”  Breseis looked at him earnestly.</p><p>He narrowed his eyes. “Yeah?”</p><p>I looked to Breseis, she nodded. “Yeah.”</p><p>Patroclus smiled shyly then. “Ok.” He stopped bouncing the ball. “Now you need to apologise to each other.”</p><p>Breseis spoke first. “I’m sorry for making fun of your hair Achilles. It was pretty sexist and out of character for me.”</p><p>“I’m sorry for calling you a desperate slut.”</p><p>“I’m sorry for calling you a whiny fuck boy.”</p><p>I turned to Patroclus. “I’m sorry about the ‘who’d you wanna fuck?’ thing.”</p><p>“Yeah ok. We should stop now.” Patroclus said, beetroot red. I looked at Breseis and we both snickered slightly at how easy it was to embarrass him.</p><p>“Shit.” She said suddenly.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Patroclus asks.</p><p>“I’m going to be late for netball.” She stood up and started walking away. “Bye Patroclus.” She hesitated. “Bye Achilles.”</p><p>“Bye Breseis.” We looked at each other then, a feeling of mutual understanding and agreement passing between us.</p><p>After Breseis left, Patroclus turned to me. “I really appreciate this.”</p><p>I looked at his deep brown eyes and said in my high pitched voice: “anything for you Patroclus.” I moved closer and fluttered my eyelashes. <em>Why the fuck am I like this? </em>“I am at your mercy.”</p><p>He shoved me away. “You’re such a prick.”</p><p>I sat back and looked at him. “I really am sorry. You can have more than one friend, I’m just-I’m just jealous I think.”</p><p>He frowned. “You don’t need to be jealous Achilles.”</p><p>“Well I don’t think sense has much of an impact on this shit.” He chuckled and I couldn’t stop the next words from escaping my mouth. “Do you like her more than me?”</p><p>“It’s not a competition.” I looked away, embarrassed. He grabbed my hands. “No. No I don’t like her more than you.”</p><p>I grinned and my heart felt lighter.</p><p>He spoke again. “But she is my friend; just like you. And I think you could both get along if you got to know each other.”</p><p><em>Fuck that. </em>“Yeah ok.” <em>I have to try.</em></p><p>We started throwing the ball at each other then. I wished I didn’t have to deal with anyone else, I wished they would all disappear. Sadly, I knew they wouldn’t. So I treasured my moments with him, cataloguing every smile.</p><p>Patroclus suddenly stopped throwing the ball and I looked up to see a group of boys walking down the corridor. <em>Ugh<strong>. </strong></em>Patroclus looked a bit sick.</p><p>“Hi.”I said, barely keeping my annoyance out of my voice.</p><p>Agamemnon was larger than us, in both height and girth. “Hi Achilles.” I thought they would walk away then, but they didn’t. “Is he <em>still </em>bothering you?”</p><p>“What? No.” <em>Did he mean Patroclus?</em></p><p>I don’t think he heard me, he was too busy glaring at Patroclus. “Am I gonna have to steal your homework <em>again? </em>Fancy finding <em>another</em> rat in your bed?” <em>What the fuck?!</em></p><p>Patroclus sighed. “You don’t want to do this Agamemnon.” I sent Patroclus a confused look, he shook his head, <em>we’ll talk about this later. </em>I pursed my lips, <em>fine.</em></p><p>Agamemnon laughed. “Why not?</p><p>“Are you really too dense to realise that I’m not the annoying one here?”</p><p>“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”</p><p>“Just leave it.”</p><p>The boys behind him were tugging at him, trying to pull him down the corridor. He didn’t back down. “Who do you think you are? You fucking pussy.” He spat.</p><p>I jumped up and smashed him against the wall. “What the fuck did you just say?” I felt my anger burn through my veins like fire. It wasn’t comforting or thrilling, it felt like I would be be burned to a crisp if I didn’t make him suffer.</p><p>“Woah Achilles. You don’t have to stick up for this dick.” He looked scared. <em>Good.</em></p><p>I raised my fists but I felt someone tug at my sleeve. I turned to see Patroclus. “Achilles leave it. <em>Please.” </em>The anguish in his eyes made my anger fade. </p><p>I let him go reluctantly, the anger still simmering. “We’re about to play a game of footie, you should come.” Agamemnon said. <em>Really? I just pinned you to a wall and now you want to play football?</em></p><p>“I think I’ll pass.”</p><p>“Suit yourself.”</p><p>As he turned to leave he snarled at Patroclus. Something inside me snapped, <em>fancy finding another rat in your bed?</em> I tackled him to the ground.</p><p>He was larger than me but I took him by surprise. I punched him with all the force I could muster, causing his face to snap to the side. I heard some of the boys cheer, “fight. Fight. Fight…”</p><p>I grabbed his cheeks which caused his face to mush up, I was tempted to laugh. “If you insult Patroclus again, I will break your arm.”</p><p>Patroclus seized my waist and hauled me away from Agamemnon. He sat up slowly, clutching his jaw. I spat at him, gripped Patroclus’s arm and pulled him away.</p><p>OoO</p><p>Patroclus tried to squirm out of my grasp, I gripped him tighter. “Achilles let go of me.”</p><p><em>Gods, what is wrong with me? </em>“Yeah of course, sorry.”</p><p>We were standing in the library, I had to calm down. “What’s wrong with you?” I led him to an isolated corner.</p><p>“I-I don’t know.”</p><p>“I told you not to. I told you to let it be.” He ran his hands through his hair.</p><p>“I know. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“You know what this means?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Agamemnon. He’s never liked me. Most of the others – they just ignore me. Agamemnon likes to… I don’t know, hurt me?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“It’s not that bad. Nothing I can’t handle. It could be because I’m not white or because I’m not very, you know… masculine. But I’m pretty sure it’s because of you?”</p><p>“Me?”</p><p>“Yeah. He sends me angry glares and shit when I’m with you. I think he’s jealous.”</p><p>“What? ‘Cause I’m your friend?”</p><p>He nodded. “You’re the most popular person in school. I know that’s a really childish thing to say… but it’s true. And I think he wants to be friends with you.”</p><p>“Why would I be friends with that prick?”</p><p>“And you’ve always mostly ignored everyone right?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Well suddenly you’re close with someone who isn’t him. And he doesn’t like it.”</p><p>“So he’s messing with you.”</p><p>“Yes.” He sat down on the floor, resting his head on a bookshelf.</p><p>“Why are you annoyed that I punched him though? Surely you’ve wanted to punch him too?”</p><p>“That’s not the point Achilles. I told you not to, you didn’t listen.”</p><p>“Yeah but why did you tell me not to? It’s not like I’ll get in trouble.”</p><p>Patroclus looked away sheepishly. “He’s been… spreading rumours.”</p><p>“What sort of rumours?”</p><p>“Ones you won’t like.”</p><p>“Don’t be smart with me poppet, what’s he saying?”</p><p>“You might want to stop calling me poppet after I tell you.”</p><p>“Never. Carry on, poppet.”</p><p>Patroclus took a shaky breath. “Turns out my race isn’t enough to turn everyone against me, so he’s been saying that I’m some deviant child. That’s that why my father sent me away in October. He’s saying that I’ve got some creepy gay crush on you.”</p><p>I furrowed my brows. “What? He’s saying you’re gay? That’s not bad. And half the school has a crush on me, boys too.”</p><p>Patroclus laughed, throwing his head back and exposing his throat; I felt a sudden urge to lick it <em>weird</em>. “Gods Achilles, how are you this oblivious?”</p><p>I pouted at him. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“This school is full of white upper-class Torys. It’s not exactly the epitome of progression. We’re like 30 years behind the rest of the world. Sure, some people are ok. But most of the kids here think letting girls in is too liberal an idea.”</p><p>“But why does it matter what they think?”</p><p>He sighed, he looked sad and I wanted to hug him. “I actually like people. I’m shy, but I want to talk to them; I want to know them. This will just make it more difficult. Haven’t you noticed the way they look at me in the changing rooms, like I threaten them or something. And in my room – I share with Agamemnon. It’s… not fun.”</p><p>My knuckles had turned white from clenching the the shelves behind me. “I’m going to murder him.”</p><p>“No. Achilles <em>no. </em>I can defend myself.”</p><p>“But… I’m so angry.”</p><p>“Well go punch a wall. Don’t hurt him or <em>defend my honour.</em>” He snickered. “People are gonna talk about what just happened. You embarrassed Agamemnon, he’s not gonna like that.”</p><p>“Do you really think I care about Agamelon?”</p><p>“No. But you should.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“He’s gonna spin some shit. They might not believe you’re gay because you’re… you, they’ll probably just say Agamemnon was being racist and you didn’t like it. But he’s gonna be extra angry with me now. And you <em>can’t </em>go and beat him up. Alright?”</p><p><em>I hate this. </em>“Alright. I’ll try.”</p><p>He frowned at me, pulled out two books from the shelves, he passed me one and started reading his own. I looked at the book he gave me: ‘How to Sort Through Your Anger Issues: a Therapist’s Guide’.</p><p>“Patroclus, this is actually really useful.”</p><p>He raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah. When I get angry it’s a great tool to hit someone with.” I whacked him over the head with the book.</p><p>“Ow. Achilles that hurt.” He rubbed his head.</p><p>“Stop being such a baby.”</p><p>I laughed and he narrowed his eyes at me. He smacked me with his book and before I knew it we were having a book whacking fight around the library, trying to avoid other people.</p><p>After about an hour of hitting each other with books we collapsed on two beanbags in one of the children’s sections; chests heaving.</p><p>“Patroclus?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>I take a few seconds to catch my breath. “Why did you come here a few weeks after the start of term? Did something happen with your father?”</p><p>His words were tight. “Yes. There was… an incident.”</p><p>He looked scared, but I pressed anyways; I wanted to know. “Will you tell me?”</p><p>“Ok.” He shut his eyes. “He caught me kissing a boy.” He said in one breath.</p><p>He opened his eyes slowly, as if expecting a blow. I felt my heart drop as I saw the dread in his eyes. “You told me you’d never kissed anyone.” <em>For fucks sake that’s not </em><em>important right now.</em></p><p>“I told you that I’d never kissed a girl. <em>He </em>was my first kiss.” He looked away sheepishly.</p><p>“So you’re gay?” I didn’t know what I was supposed to say, but I didn’t think this was right.</p><p>“No. I don’t think so. I like girls too. I’m bi.” I’d heard about it – of course I had – but usually just as the butt of a joke from an offensive TV show. <em>Do I actually know any bisexual people? Well I do now.</em></p><p>“Ok.” I don’t know what he expected, but I don’t think it was this. “I really don’t care poppet. Oh wait no… that sounded wrong.” He chuckled. “I do care. I’m glad you told me. I’m your best friend… right?” He nodded, a thrill shot though me. “And you can tell me anything, you can tell me <em>everything.</em> I want you to tell me everything.”</p><p>He placed his hands hands on my shoulders. “Achilles calm down. You’re rambling.” He just told me something important to him and I’m making it about me.</p><p>“Right yeah, sorry.”</p><p>He laughed, his expression seemed lighter. “Don’t be sorry. I’m just glad you’re not gonna friend dump me.”</p><p>“Why would you want to be friends with someone who wouldn’t be friends with you because you like boys?” <em>Gods that was a mouthful,</em> I was usually more graceful with my words<em>.</em></p><p>“Yeah I get that in theory. But it’s different in real life you know?” I rested my head on my hands, listening to every word. “I mean… in books or shows the homophobic characters are usually the baddies.”</p><p>“As they should be.” I add.</p><p>“Well yes but also no.”</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“I mean yes. Homophobia is bad, and being homophobic is shitty.”</p><p>“Yes…”</p><p>“But even though that’s true. People who are homophobic aren’t always bad. Ok this doesn’t sound right. Sometimes people don’t realise they’re homophobic.”</p><p>“But they’re still bastards Patroclus.”</p><p>“Yeah I’m not doubting that. I just mean… I know you. And if I found out you were homophobic, everything from before still would’ve happened.”</p><p>“But you’d realise I’m bastard and you’re too good for me.”</p><p>“You are a bastard.” I smiled. “I’m just saying it’s more complicated than saints and bastards. It’s easy to think of homophobic people like my father or Agamemnon, but if I found out you didn’t like me because… you know.” He looked away.</p><p>“Hey.” I turned his head to face me. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”</p><p>“I know but…”</p><p>“No. Homophobia is just one of the many diseases of human kind. Stop sticking up for them. You don’t make excuses for homophobes. Just like you don’t make excuses for racists or sexists or transphobes. It’s simple: they’re wrong, you’re right.”</p><p>He chuckled. “Ok.”</p><p>“But I’m not homophobic, so you can still be my friend.”</p><p>“Good to know.” He shook his head, smiling. “Is there anything else you want to know?”</p><p>“Yes.” I fell back on my beanbag into a comfortable position. “But you’ve got to take into account that I am very ignorant about this, I don’t know anything.”</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>“So don’t hate me if I ask you anything offensive. I’ll try to think through shit but even if I was any good at that, I’d probably still say something twp.”</p><p>“Twp?”</p><p>“It’s stupid in welsh.”</p><p>“Right.” He smiled. “I’ve done all my homework so we’ve got time. I promise I won’t get mad at your questions because I know you have good intentions but I’m not promising to answer everything.”</p><p>“Ok, that’s fair.” <em>Hmm, what to ask? </em>“So you’re half gay, half straight?”</p><p>“No. I’m 100% bisexual.” I think that was a stupid question but he didn’t seem annoyed.</p><p>“Right ok. Can bisexuals have a preference?”</p><p>“Yes. Well… I’ve never actually spoken to anyone about this, so I’m not the most reliable source. I only know from my experiences – which are almost nonexistent – and a few buzz-feed articles.” <em>Awww I’m the first person he told. Well there’s also that boy he kissed, but he doesn’t count.</em></p><p>“Do <em>you</em> have a preference?”</p><p>“I think I like boys more. Sometimes I wonder whether I’m secretly gay and just trying to live up to heteronormative standards or am I just straight and looking for attention? But no, I like both. For me it was kind of like: <em>shit, boys are hot </em>and then <em>fuck, girls are hot too.” </em>I could understand that.</p><p>“Do you have a crush on everyone that’s fit?”</p><p>“No. Not at all.” <em>Ok that was definitely a stupid question, </em>he was still patient with me.</p><p>“So you haven’t got an insatiable sexual appetite then?” I knew this was an ignorant one before I said it, but I simply couldn’t resist.</p><p>“Bloody hell Achilles.” He was blushing, <em>success. </em>“Some bisexuals probably do, but sexual appetite has no correlation with sexuality.” I think he was trying to be all scientific and detached so he wouldn’t become flustered. Some part of me yearned for him to become really personal and specific, I told this part of me to shut up.</p><p>“I’m guessing the same applies to threesomes?” <em>Of course it does Achilles, why are you asking this?</em></p><p>His eyes widened. “Yeah.”</p><p>“Would you have a threesome” <em>Fuck me, I have no self control.</em></p><p>“Too personal.” He swallowed. “Next question.”</p><p>I grinned slyly at him and poked him in the arm. “Patroclus you dirty boy! That totally means you’re up for it.”</p><p>He narrowed his eyes at me. “<em>Next question.”</em></p><p>“So what ratio would you like? Or are you not fussy?”</p><p>“Next question or I’m leaving.” <em>Ok I should probably stop there, I got more information than I expected.</em></p><p>“Ok back to more PG questions… what was it like kissing a boy?”</p><p>“I’ve only kissed one. And I’ve kissed a girl so I can’t really compare, I guess it depends on the person more than the gender and it was my first kiss so it was clumsy at first but once we got into it, it was... nice.” He smiled shyly at me and I felt my heart lurch: <em>am I jealous that Patroclus got to kiss a boy?  Am I jealous that a boy got to kiss Patroclus? Do I want to kiss boys? Now’s not the time to have a sexuality crisis Achilles. Just listen to him.</em></p><p>“What was his name? When was it? Did you like it?”</p><p>“Dorian. My 15<sup>th</sup> birthday party. Yes.”</p><p>“What did he look like?”</p><p>“Tall. Pale skin. Black hair. Why?”</p><p>I shrugged. I felt like I was playing a rapid question game. “Did you have a bisexual awakening?”</p><p>“Jade and Beck from Victorious.”</p><p><em>I’ll have to look them up later. </em>“Anyone else?”</p><p>He paused for a second, considering. “Hermione and Draco, Rory and Tristan, Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swann, and oh… Emma Swan and Captain Hook.”</p><p>I raised my eyebrows, etching every name into my head. He blushed. “Sorry, was that too much information?”</p><p>“Gods poppet of course not. So you’ve had crushes on both boys and girls?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Do they feel different?”</p><p>“That’s actually a good question. Yes.”</p><p>“Can you explain how they feel?”</p><p>“It’s not really something I can explain, they just have different feelings. With girls it’s like…” he made a few calm gestures, sort of in adoration? He put his head in his hands and smiled as if smitten; it was extremely endearing.</p><p>“And for boys it’s like…” he made an explosive gesture and then he sort of leaned back like he was scared? It’s overpowering and sudden, all consuming. “That probably doesn’t make any sense, I don’t even know if other bisexuals feel different depending on gender. And I’ve never met a non-binary person, so I can’t even do weird gestures to explain if that would feel different. It’s kind of personal and difficult to articulate.”</p><p>I did understand, I would tweak some of his gestures but I understood. “Ok. Do you have a current crush?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>I frowned at him. “Breseis?”</p><p>“Nope.”</p><p>I looked up at him though my eyelashes. “Me?”</p><p><em>Was that a flash of hesitation in his eyes? No, I probably imagined it</em>. “Nope.” He laughed and shoved me lightly.</p><p>I crossed my arms and pouted at him. “What? Why not?”</p><p>He raised his eyebrows. “I have taste.”</p><p>I raised my hand to my heart and gasped in mock horror but I did feel a genuine rush of disappointment at his words. <em>Gods my ego knows no bounds. </em>“That doorknob guy?”</p><p>“Dorian? No. Achilles I don’t have a crush on anyone.”</p><p>I sighed. “Fine.” I leaned back and tried to form another question. “When you’re watching porn, do you look at the guy or the girl?”</p><p>Patroclus’s eyebrows looked like they were about to leave his forehead. “What the fuck?”</p><p>“Or do you prefer gay porn?” <em>What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I asking this?</em></p><p>“Ok, I’m leaving.”</p><p>He stood up and went to walk away but I grabbed his ankle. “Please come back. I’m sorry.” I made my biggest puppy eyes and I saw his annoyance disappear, <em>how does he calm down so easily? </em></p><p>He flopped back down into his beanbag. “Ok but we should probably leave the questionnaire there. I’ve never actually told anyone before and it’s taken a lot out of me.”</p><p>The truth was, I did have more questions. The more he answered, the more I wanted to know. They seemed to be be lying down in the clutter of my brain waiting to be answered, but they were probably too personal and he wasn’t ready to talk about it in too much depth yet. “Yeah sure.”</p><p>I turned to him, “I’m going to show you something.”</p><p>He looked confused, “alright.”</p><p>I was going to show him my correspondence with mystery boy. I’d started referring to him as mystery boy when he gave me his gender, but not his name. Patroclus had shared something with me and I didn’t have much to reveal to him but there was this, I suppose.</p><p>“I hate to break it to you but there is actually one other person, apart from you, that I actually like.”</p><p>He tilted his head to the side slightly. “Really?”</p><p>“Mmm.”</p><p>I led him through the through the library to <em>the spot</em>, hidden between two bookshelves. I flung myself onto the pillow haven and looked up to see his eyes sparkling. “You’re… you’re Peter Pan.” He burst out laughing. <em>Wait, what? </em>“The only other person you like… is me.” He said between breaths.</p><p>My jaw hung open. “You’re mystery boy?!”</p><p>He collapsed onto the pillows next to me, I looked at him and we both exploded into a fit of laughter. “How’d this even happen?</p><p>He shook his head. “No idea.”</p><p>I felt giddy and light as we talked and analysed, confusion and Agamelon cleared from my mind. We spent hours scouring over texts and ideas; everything from Shakespeare to the latest ShadowHunter book. It was so much better to do this in person. We disagreed more than we agreed with each other, but there was beauty in that; I thought.</p><p>We stayed so long that we had to sneak back to our dorms. “Can we skip tomorrow’s training?” He whispered, when we were outside his door.</p><p>I pretended to consider it. “Nope. Maybe if you had any taste, but you don’t.”</p><p>He pouted at me. “It’s not my fault you don’t like Draco Malfoy.”</p><p>“He’s a bully.”</p><p>“He’s misunderstood. And I didn’t think the bully thing would put you off him, you two have that in common.”</p><p>I narrowed my eyes at him. “Your opinion isn’t reliable. You only like him because you think he’s hot.” He blushed, <em>success. </em>“You’re the one that can’t appreciate masterpieces, Mr ‘Alice in Wonderland is a confusing mess’.”</p><p>“It doesn’t make any sense.”</p><p>“That’s the whole point!”</p><p>“Shhhh, we’re gonna get caught.” He made to open his door. “Can I skip training tomorrow, <em>please.</em>” <em>Gah, his eyes are so big</em>, <em>it’s like saying no to a Disney character. </em>He could see my resolve crack. “We could do a Harry Potter marathon instead.” <em>We need to stick to the programme. But his eyes… </em>“Just me and you. Blankets and snacks and… cuddles.”</p><p>I sighed, there was no way I could say no to that. “Fine. Don’t make this a habit.”</p><p>He didn’t try to hide his smile as he snuck back into his room. <em>I’m too soft for him. </em>I thought to myself, but I couldn’t really find a fuck to give. He made me weak and sappy which frightened me a bit, but I couldn’t stay away; I didn’t <em>want</em> to.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ahhh sorry this one took a while to actually get out but I’m about halfway through the next chapter already so that should be out soon. CHRISTMAS. </p><p>If any of you celebrate Christmas, I hope you had a wonderful day. If you don’t celebrate Christmas, I hope you had a wonderful day too &lt;3&lt;3 To everyone: I hope all your days are wonderful because Zeus is a dick (I think that’s a good enough reason, don’t you?)</p><p>So... Patroclus came out to Achilles. I hope I handled this ok? Achilles did ask some ignorant questions but I hope<br/>Patroclus managed to answer them well enough. </p><p>Dear Achilles, </p><p>YOU LIKE BOYS SWEETIE. (One boy in particular).</p><p>Sincerely, </p><p>Everyone &lt;3&lt;3&lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Christmas l</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Come to my house for Christmas. I mean… do you want to spend Christmas with me?”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter was a monster so I decided to split it up. This is the first part :) I’ll upload them both at the same time.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Patroclus</strong>:</p><p>The rest of the term flew by. Achilles and Briseis had settled into a silent, but peaceful, disdain for each other. I secretly hoped that they were starting to warm up to each other.</p><p>I didn’t enjoy the passive aggression in their words, or the quiet battle between them, and I despised being in the centre of it. But I had two wonderful friends, two friends who wanted to spend time with me, who listened to what I said and allowed me to open up. I felt inexplicably lucky.</p><p>“Briseis I can’t eat this.” Achilles told her after she handed him his breakfast.</p><p>She narrowed his eyes. “Why not?” The rest of Achilles’s friends didn’t even bat an eye at their bickering anymore.</p><p>“I don’t drink cow’s milk.” He looked over at me. “Patroclus doesn’t either.”</p><p>“Thanks for getting us breakfast though.” I chipped in.</p><p>Briseis frowned. “I didn’t know you two were vegan.”</p><p>“I think Helen is vegan.” Menelaus declared, eating his cheerios. I’d started to understand the different characters of Achilles’s ‘usual flock’. At first the sheer amount of people made me want the ground to swallow me whole. <em>Are they looking at me? Do they hate me? Are they gonna make Achilles hate me? </em>These had started to calm as I grew used to their presence.</p><p>I still don’t talk very often but I’m beginning to feel more comfortable around them. Achilles makes a point of involving me in <em>everything</em>, especially after I told that I actually like people, (which he was a little bewildered by). Ironic really, he’s elegant and confident, his hair alone draws people in and his smile makes them stay but people just seem to annoy him; I actually enjoy people’s company but I’m more awkward than ketchup and gravy.</p><p>“We’re not vegan.” Achilles states offhandedly.</p><p>“So why don’t you drink cow’s milk?” Paris. Short but could compete with Achilles in a beauty contest. He’s only adequate at sports but his family is loaded.</p><p>“Long story.” Achilles nudged me, (we’ve started sitting next to each other now, he always saves me a seat by his side).</p><p>Agamemnon rolled his eyes. “You two are insufferable.” He’d started to direct his contempt towards Achilles now that he knows he won’t be able to buddy up with him, he still stays with the group though. It would be scandalous if he didn’t; he was the second richest family there, after the Priamides.</p><p>“You’re insufferable.” Achilles said, standing up. “Don’t worry Patroclus, I’ll go get us breakfast.”</p><p>“Cute.” Agamemnon muttered sarcastically, Achilles flagged him and walked to the buffet.</p><p>“Helen, are you vegan?” Menelaus again, a tall lanky boy with an unkept sweep of red hair falling into his eyes.</p><p>“No.” Helen. Breathtakingly beautiful. “That’s Penelope.”</p><p>“I’m not vegan.” Penelope announced loudly. “I’m vegetarian.”</p><p>“That’s a shame.” Diomedes chuckled. “Odysseus wants you to eat his meat.”</p><p>“Don’t be telling falsehoods Diomedes.” Odysseus sounded calm but I spotted a hint of redness to his cheeks. “Someone biting my ‘meat’ would be entirely unsatisfactory.”</p><p>“Ha.” Achilles sat down, handing me a bowl of chocolate pillows (my favourite). “Is Odysseus talking about blowjobs?” He addressed the group but was only looking at me.</p><p>“Yep.” I said quietly to him.</p><p>“For your information.” Penelope announced. “You can still eat dick if your vegetarian.” Odysseus spat out his water. </p><p>“Good for you to know, Patroclus.” Agamemnon laughed at his own joke, no-one else seemed to find it funny. Either because they all realised that I’m not vegetarian or because it’s a gay joke, I didn’t know.</p><p>“Why? You want me to give you a blowjob?” <em>Keep calm Patroclus, nobody is looking at you. EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT YOU.</em></p><p>“Wh-what?”</p><p>“Why else would you care whether I could eat dick or not.” This time Achilles spat out his water, I patted him on the back.</p><p>He blinked at me. “Oh my gods.” I felt my self sink into my chair, deflated.</p><p>Before Agamemnon could muster up a comeback, Odysseus and Penelope started talking again. “Unfortunately for you, Odysseus, I will not be giving you a blowjob. Vegetarian or not.” She smiled at him.</p><p>“There are other options.” <em>Are they flirting?</em></p><p>“None of which I want to do with you.”</p><p>“I don’t mind watching.”</p><p>“Always the charmer.” <em>Yeah, I think they are.</em></p><p>“And have you succumbed to my charms yet, Penelope?” The rest of the table was silent, eagerly listening in.</p><p>“Wouldn’t you like to know.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>I should’ve been in a good mood. I had two tests back today, I had an a* in biology, which was nice and a B in physics; which was unbelievable. Achilles had done well in most things too. He’s very intelligent but bores too easily. Having missed almost a year of school, it’s insane that he only failed two subjects (history and french).</p><p>It was the last week before Christmas break, another reason I should be happy; but instead I was dreading it. I hadn’t even spoken to my father since I left home.</p><p>“What’s up, buttercup?” Achilles walked into Neverland, (by Neverland I mean our secret spot in the library. “A place where time stops.” Achilles told me. “That’s pretentious.” I said. He shrugged, “good.”)</p><p>“Just reading.” I replied.</p><p>He flung himself onto the pillows next to me. “Whatcha reading?”</p><p>He plucked the book out of my hands before I could answer “Good Omens.”</p><p>“Oh, I liked this one. But the side characters and the plot kind of annoyed me, I only cared about Crowley and Aziraphale.”</p><p>I snatched it out of his hands and started reading again. He laid his head on my shoulder and started fiddling with the sleeve of my jumper.</p><p>“You’re nervous about something. What is it?”</p><p>“Come to my house for Christmas. I mean… do you want to spend Christmas with me?”</p><p>I froze. “Wait. You mean?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“With your dad?”</p><p>“Yes.” He was looking at me with hopeful eyes.</p><p>“What about your mother?”</p><p>“I spend all summer with her, but she only visits during Christmas day. Very busy woman.”</p><p>“What about my father?”</p><p>“Dad’s messaged him. He doesn’t care.” I felt a tinge of disappointment at his words, then scolded myself for it. <em>Of course he doesn’t care Patroclus.</em></p><p>“And your father doesn’t mind?”</p><p>“Nope. He wants you to come.”</p><p>I frowned at him. “You’re sure?”</p><p>“Yeah. We have a few houses around the country, but we like to go to our cottage in the Lizard for Christmas.”</p><p>I look at him, bewildered. “And you want me to?”</p><p>“More than anything.”</p><p>I smiled at him, large and bright. “Alright then.”</p><p>He tackled tackled me into a bear hug. “Yay.”</p><p>I tried to quieten the sound of my heart in my ears, pounding harshly in response to the feeling of our bodies so close. <em>It’s normal, </em>I told myself, <em>you’re just excited. </em>I hoped to Aphrodite it was true, I did <em>not </em>want to develop a hopeless crush on Achilles.</p><p>OoO</p><p>Achilles, Briseis and I were sitting in the rose gardens again. We’d grown to appreciate this place, with its soft grass and calm isolation.</p><p>“Hey Patroclus?” Briseis asked me, looking up from her phone. Was I imagining the blush on her cheeks? <em>It’s probably the cold.</em></p><p>I looked up from my drawing pad. “Yeah.”</p><p>Achilles was playing his guitar softly, listening in with distant interest. Briseis inhaled and asked, in a much calmer manner than Achilles. “My parents are staying here over the break and I know it might be difficult with your father.” I told her the basic situation with father after she asked to know more about my parents. She doesn’t know as much as Achilles but she knows enough. “And I was wondering if you wanted to spend Christmas with us?”</p><p>Achilles stopped playing abruptly.</p><p>I felt my heart drop and looked down sheepishly. “Oh. I’m sorry Bri.” Her face fell. “But Achilles has already asked.” Last year I spent most of the day with out the cook, which was lovely, but I couldn’t have dreamed that I’d have <em>two</em>wonderful friends who wanted to spend Christmas with me; I never would’ve imagined it could feel so shit to turn one of them down.</p><p>“That’s fine Pat.” She was smiling but it looked forced, I felt my heart lurch. “I’m just glad you’ve got someone to go with, even if he is a brat.”</p><p>The insult didn’t even register on Achilles smug face, he smiled at Briseis, looking all annoying and victorious. <em>Ugh, he’s so rude.</em></p><p>“Don’t look so smug Achilles, I’m only going with you because you asked first.” That wiped the smile of his face and seemed to soothe Briseis’s expression. “It’s not a competition.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>Briseis and I were lying on the lawn waiting for the bus to come and collect her; Mr Pelides would take Achilles and I after everybody else had left.</p><p>“My family are having a new years eve party. You should come.” Briseis said, rubbing her hands together to warm up.</p><p>“Yeah but-”</p><p>“Achilles can come too.” She said hurriedly.</p><p>I smiled. “Yeah ok. That sounds fun.”</p><p>She shivered and I pulled off my coat to give to her. “Oh no.” She said. “You’ll get cold.”</p><p>I raised my eyebrows at her. “I’m wearing two jumpers, a hat, gloves and a scarf.” I placed it around her shoulders. “Take it.”</p><p>She smiled shyly at me. “Thanks.”</p><p>I saw Achilles run across the lawn to join us, he must have finished his harp lessons. He threw his coat at me. When he realised that I was going to leave it on my lap, he sighed and gently placed it around my shoulders. “Where’s your coat?” Then he noticed Briseis. “Oh.”</p><p>I was secretly grateful for the coat, the British climate was too cold at the best of times; December is not the best of times. “How are you not freezing to death?” I asked Achilles, who wasn’t even wearing a jumper.</p><p>“How could I get cold around someone so hot?” He winked at me and suddenly, I was uncomfortably warm.</p><p>I wasn’t a particular large boy, I’d grown faster than I was comfortable with. I was tall but my shoulders were weak and my knees were knobbly. Just as all those morning workouts started to pay off; previously soft parts of my body hardened, sharp lines formed along my arms and stomach, I shot up again.</p><p>I was even taller than Achilles now, (by a whole inch!) but as he grew into his strength gracefully, I felt like an overgrown child. However feeble and lanky I felt, my coat blanketed Breseis. “Why are you looking at me?” She asked suddenly.</p><p>I poked her shoulder. “You look adorable.”</p><p>She blinked. “You look more adorable.”</p><p>“Nope. You’re the adorable-ist.” We fell into a heap of giggles and Achilles coughed loudly.</p><p>“If anyone is the most adorable, its me.” He poked his chin out, as if daring us to challenge him.</p><p>I chuckled and rolled my eyes. “All hail king Achilles the Adorable.”</p><p>He nodded. “That’s right.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>Achilles’s Cornwall cottage was wonderful, all stone archways and wooden beams. “This is a very nice house.” I said when Mr Pelides was adding wood to the hearth.</p><p>“It’s very quaint isn’t it. Used to belong to my father, me and Ace always come here for Christmas. It’s tradition at this point.”</p><p>“That’s lovely sir.”</p><p>He shook his head. “No need for all this ‘sir’. You’re spending Christmas with us son.” My eyes widened at the name. “Call me Peleus.”</p><p>“Ok sir- I mean Peleus.” I fumbled.</p><p>Achilles frowned. “Why can’t I call you Peleus?”</p><p>Peleus let out a hearty laugh. “You’re my son, boyo. You will address me as one.”</p><p>He sighed. “<em>Fine.</em>”</p><p>“Oh.” Peleus said to me. “I’m using the spare bedroom as a temporary office, so I hope you don’t mid sharing with Ace?” He was looking at me expectedly.</p><p><em>Shitshitshit. </em>“Yeah ok.”</p><p>“Go upstairs and make yourselves at home, I’ll call you when I’m ready for dinner. What do you think of that seafood restaurant down the road? It’s one of Ace’s favourites because they gave him free lollipops for being a good boy when he was little.”</p><p>It took all my will power not to laugh at the thought of 5 year old Achilles being on his best behaviour for a lollipop, Achilles was red-faced. “That sounds nice, Peleus.” He nodded at me approvingly and I followed Achilles up the wooden staircase.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>They refer to the gods and still celebrate Christmas guys... just roll with it hehe.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Christmas ll</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“I can sleep on the sofa downstairs , or-or the floor.” I said.</p><p>“What are you on about? We’ll share.”</p><p>“But-“</p><p>“Patroclus. We’ve literally showered together.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I double updated so if the last thing you remember is Achilles and Patroclus finding out about the library thing, you might want to check you haven’t missed a chapter :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p><p>Achilles flung himself onto his bed. His room was hilariously stereotypical… for a 13 year old. “Woah.” I said. “Why am stuck in an early 2000s teen movie?”</p><p>There were posters and stickers covering the walls. They were painted yellow and there was a fluffy blue rug in the middle of the floor. “I don’t spend much time here, so it felt pointless to redecorate.”</p><p>I chuckled when I saw the pictures stuck to his mirror. I pointed at one. “This you?”</p><p>He walked up to me and surveyed the picture, he was probably around 7 and was wearing glitter sunglasses and poking his tongue out at the camera. “Yeah.”</p><p>“YOU HAD AN EMO PHASE!” I squealed when I saw the photo of 12 year old Achilles wearing all black with shaggy hair, black eyeshadow and his middle finger up at the camera.</p><p>He covered my eyes and moved me away. “I’m starting to regret bringing you here.”</p><p>“Did you only listen to metal music?”</p><p>“No. I only <em>played </em>metal music, a bit of punk too.”</p><p>“<em>Oh my gods</em>.”</p><p>“It didn’t last very long. Just the summer of year 7.”</p><p>I started looking at the posters: football, running, dancing, music, books and… “Why have you got a poster of Rhianna? Oh my gods is that Justin Bieber?!”</p><p>He lay down on the floor. “I’ve never been well-versed in pop culture, but I wanted to fill up my walls, so I just bought every poster I could find. I don’t know who half these people are.”</p><p>“You’re ridiculous.” He shrugged. “Do you really need this many PlayBoy posters?” There various pictures of half naked women all over the place, I felt bad looking.</p><p>He grinned. “Now those weren’t random choices.”</p><p>“You’re disgusting.” I laid on the floor, staring at the posters covering the ceiling, I covered my eyes. “Ahh Achilles. Those are almost pornographic.”</p><p>He snickered. “I know.”</p><p>“Ahhhhh.” I turned around and smothered my face in his rug.</p><p>“It’s completely normal poppet.” He was still laughing at me.</p><p>“I thought people only had those sort of posters on Skins.”</p><p>“What’s Skins? Can we watch it?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>He sighed. “You’re no fun.”</p><p>“And you’re sulking like a child.” I sat up and looked down at him. “Would you like a lollipop, <em>Ace?</em>” I said in my most condescending voice.</p><p>He narrowed his eyes. “I hate you.”</p><p>I poked his ribs. “Now now… that’s not a very nice thing to say. Only good boys get lollipops.”</p><p>He stopped sulking immediately and smirked at me. <em>Oh shit, he’s about to say something completely inappropriate. </em>He went on his hands and knees, leaning into me. I refused to run as he whispered in my ear: “Am I bad boy Patroclus? Oh no. I suppose you’ll have to <em>punish </em>me.”</p><p>I shuddered and cursed the way I was heating up. I shoved him of me and scowled. “You’re a dick.”</p><p>“And you want dick.” He clapped as if he’d said something particularly witty or original. I just stared at him, unimpressed.</p><p>“Not your dick.” <em>Is that really true Patroclus? Yes. Shut up brain.</em></p><p>“I don’t get that.” He sighed, as if wondering how anyone could resist him. “But I’ll except it.”</p><p>“Should’ve gone with Bri.” I felt regret hit me as soon as his playful expression shut down.</p><p>“Right. Ok.” He was picking at the rug. “Sorry.”</p><p>This was like a million times worse than him being a dick, I reached out for his arm and squeezed. “Oi.” He looked up at me, all sad and sorry; my heart may as well have been a melted puddle of goo at this point. “I was only joking. I’m really glad I get to spend Christmas with you.”</p><p>He smiled shyly at me. “Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>“I can sleep on the sofa downstairs , or-or the floor.” We we’re about to put our pyjamas on and go to sleep. Silk again, <em>yay</em>.</p><p>“What are you on about? We’ll share.”</p><p>“But-“</p><p>“Patroclus. We’ve literally showered together.”</p><p>“Wha- you’re making that sound worse than it was?”</p><p>“Are you implying that we didn’t shower together?” I wanted to wipe that infuriating smirk off his face.</p><p>“Ugh. Just shut up and get changed.”</p><p>“Ooo how commanding… what do you-”</p><p>I tackled him to the floor. He went down with a surprised “oof.”  I placed my knees on his chest and pinned his arms above his head; definitely not looking at the taut muscles in his arms. He giggled breathily. “Too easy.”</p><p>Before I could blink, he flipped us over. He sat on my chest and I struggled to breath. “Get off, you fat fuck.”</p><p>He didn’t move, just grabbed my hand to rest on his shoulder. “It’s all muscle baby.”</p><p>He rolled off smoothly and offered me a hand, I took it. Once up I fumbled through my bag for pyjamas.</p><p>I was about to walk to the bathroom to change, when I saw Achilles had already taken his shirt off. <em>Right ok, </em>I thought to myself, <em>it’s totally normal for friends to change in front of each other.</em></p><p>I turned my back to Achilles and refused to even glance at him as I peeled off my clothes and hurriedly covered my limbs, happy with the warmth my pyjamas provided.</p><p>I couldn’t hear Achilles moving anymore so I risked turning around, only to find him… staring straight at me, eyes wide.  <em>Has he been watching the entire time? </em>I told my brain it wasn’t a big deal and gestured to the bed. “Annoying fuck buckets first.”</p><p>He climbed into bed and I followed, pulling the cover up to my neck. We lay on our backs in complete silence and I could feel the heat of his body. Somehow seeming too far away and too close at the same time. “Well this is awkward as fuck.” He said after a few minutes of utter stillness.</p><p>I turned to face him. “Yep.”</p><p>He snickered. “I’ve got an idea.”</p><p>“Oh no.” We were whispering softly to each other.</p><p>He faced me, smiling. “It’s a good idea, I swear to hades.”</p><p>“I don’t believe that for a second.”</p><p>“I’m going to teach you how to flirt.”</p><p>I blinked him. “You’re going to what?”</p><p>“Your social skills are abysmal. I’m going to help you. It won’t just help you get laid either.” I coughed awkwardly. “It’ll build your confidence. People like confident people.”</p><p>I stared at him. “I was right. That’s a terrible idea.”</p><p>“But-”</p><p>“-ok.” He raised his eyebrows. “I’ve got nothing else better to do. Bring it on poppet.”</p><p>“You can’t call me poppet. That’s my name for you.”</p><p>“Ok angel?” He shook his head. “Cookie? Bunny? Sweetie? Honey?”</p><p>He laughed. “We’ll start tomorrow.”</p><p>I tried to fall asleep again but I heard him fidgeting, I froze. “What are you doing?”</p><p>“I’m boiling. Don’t know what I was thinking? Sleeping in pyjamas? Stupid.” He shimmied out of his clothes and threw them across the floor. “Ahh, that’s better.”</p><p>“Was there any need to throw them you undignified bitch machine.”</p><p>He huffed. “Shut up and count your gay ass lucky that I’m still wearing my boxers.”</p><p><em>I am</em>. “My gay ass couldn’t care less about your bare ass.”</p><p>He snorted. “Is that a challenge?”</p><p><em>Nonononono. </em>“No.” I managed to keep my voice surprisingly calm. “Now fuck off and go to sleep. I’m tired.”</p><p>I turned away from him and thanked every golden ass on Olympus that Achilles, did in fact, keep his boxers on.</p><p>OoO</p><p>
  <em>Golden hair falling wildly around eyes the colour of fresh leaves. Eyes staring at me darkly. A sneer ruining the elegance of his rosy lips. The curve of a neck leaning over a guitar. Nimble fingers moving faster than the eye could follow. Firm muscle all around me, holding me close.</em>
</p><p>“Poppet.” A voice, soft as satin.</p><p>I pulled him closer to me, breathing in the scent of his neck. “Mmm.”</p><p>I hear a sharp intake of breath. “<em>Patroclus.”</em></p><p>I pulled him as close as possible. “Feels nice.”</p><p>I moved slightly, it felt nice so I moved again… and again. “PATROCLUS!”</p><p>“Ah.” I jumped up, my mind fuzzy and confused. “Huh?” I looked down at Achilles, all sleepy and topless and… laughing? “What are you?”I looked down at at the raging boner between my legs. “<em>Fuck, fuck, FUCK.” </em>I scrambled under the covers and hid under the blankets.</p><p>I could hear Achilles wheezing next to me. “You started,” wheeze, “grinding on me.” He fell into the pillows and started laughing into them.</p><p>“It’s not funny.” I grumbled.</p><p>He pulled the covers over his head to face me. It was dark and stuffy but I could see the smile on his face, radiant as always. “It is.”</p><p>“Piss off.” I covered his face with my hand and felt embarrassment envelope me.</p><p>He grabbed my hand and moved it away. “Hey.” He hit my arm lightly. “Don’t be embarrassed. It’s a perfectly normal for-”</p><p>“-if you like your limbs intact, stop talking.”</p><p>He snickered. “Ooo how scary.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “If it makes you feel any better, I woke up with a boner too.”</p><p>My eyes widened. “Wuh-”</p><p>“Speaking of. I’m gonna go shower, see you in like… 15 minutes.”</p><p>“Wait.” He jumped out of bed. “No.” He ran to the bathroom before I could blink, which left me lying on his bed counting back from 1,000,000.</p><p>OoO</p><p>
  
  
</p><p>OoO</p><p>“Ok, so it depends on where you are.” Achilles told me, we were sitting on his fluffy rug. “If you’re at a party or nightclub, then you can be direct. If you’re at a more formal gathering, you should be more subtle.”</p><p>“Because you’re the king of subtlety.” We’d spent most of yesterday playing in the snow, coating the countryside like icing. Achilles decided it would be a good idea to jump off the upstairs balcony, wearing nothing but red swim shorts. Then we huddled under a blanket with jugs of hot chocolate and watched Good Omens all night.</p><p>He threw his arms up. “I’m the king of the world poppet. What good is subtlety when you can be great.”</p><p>“I think subtlety can be very beautiful.”</p><p>“I think you’re beautiful.” I blushed, he smiled. “You see. It’s easy to add flirty shit into conversation.”</p><p>“Easy peasy.” I deadpanned.</p><p>“Lemon sqeezy.” He ignored the sarcasm in my voice. “We’ll work on the self-conscious thing later.” I rolled my eyes. “Let’s start with body language?”</p><p>“Body language?” I cringed.</p><p>“Yes.” He stood up and dragged me with him. “Mind if I do a little Patroclus-analysis?”</p><p>“Go ahead.”</p><p>“Unless your with me or Briseis – or drunk – you sort of shy away from people. Like you’re taking up too much space just by existing. It breaks my heart.” I swallowed. “People don’t find you annoying just because you’re in their presence. You’re a wonderful person and, honestly, a lot more likeable than I am. I’m just more approachable.” I felt my cheeks heat up at the compliments. “See that’s another thing, you can’t take a compliment.”</p><p>“Ok, that’s enough me-analysis. Let’s just work on amending it, eh?”</p><p>He chuckled. “Right yeah, sorry for the ramble.” He shook his head. “Come here.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>He sighed and walked closer to me. “Signs that somebody’s into you.” He turned to me, “feet facing you.” He arched his body towards me, I could feel his breath on my ear, “leaning in. Deep voices.” He laughed loudly and I looked at him like he was crazy. “Someone seeming overly invested in a conversation otherwise boring. Laughing at things you say, even if they aren’t even funny. And it’s you, so you know that if they laugh, they really like you.” At my blank face he carried on. “You know, ‘cause you’re not funny.”</p><p>“Wow. What a charmer.”</p><p>He laughed loudly again and placed his hand on my shoulder. “Casual touches.” He dragged his fingers lightly down my arm, his touch causing my nerves to ignite, the hairs on my arm stood, as if called to order. “Offhanded compliments. Wow, you’re arms are really strong, do you workout much?” He brought his hands back up my arm and moved them to my shoulders. His fingertips danced along my chest.</p><p>I gulped.</p><p>He traced the movement with his eyes, his stare turned my insides into a puddle of excitement, fear and… desire. “This party’s a bore. Want to get out of here?” He gripped my hand, as if to lead me away.</p><p><em>Yes. </em>I tried to say but I found a lump had formed in my throat. He dropped my hand and, unconsciously, I reached out, as if to grip his hand again. I blinked. <em>Stupid, stupid, stupid! </em>If Achilles noticed, he didn’t say anything. I clenched my, now cold, hand.</p><p>“Boys! Lunch!” Peleus’s voice boomed from the kitchen.</p><p>I don’t think I imagined the way his shoulders sagged in relief. “Race you.” He barely allowed the syllables to escape his mouth before he ran off.</p><p>OoO</p><p>Every night, when we went to bed, Achilles would wait, sitting still as a plank for a few minutes, until he made up his mind. I would be lying on my side, waiting, and he would press his chest to my back and rest his head on my neck, ruffling his nose in my hair.</p><p>The first time it happened, I asked him, “what are you doing?”</p><p>He responded sheepishly, “I like cuddles.”</p><p>We would sometimes stay that way all night, I would wake up warm in his arms, wrapped possessively around me. Sometimes we would move during the night, I would wake with Achilles in my arms or I would open my eyes to find him staring at me, limbs entangled. We’d leave the bed sluggishly and not mention a word of it to each other.</p><p>OoO</p><p>On Christmas morning, however, I woke to Achilles jumping up and down on the bed. “I will boil your teeth if you don’t shut up.” I grumbled, attempting to smother out his incessant noise with a pillow.</p><p>“I’m too excited to be disturbed by that.” He jumped on me and ripped the pillow out of my hands. “C’mon poppet, it’s Christmas!”</p><p>“You’re a demon. An overly excited, insufferable demon child.” I covered my eyes with my arms.</p><p>“I’m an angel really. The horns are just there to keep my halo upright.”</p><p>“Ha. Very funny.”</p><p>He frowned and tugged the blanket off me. “No, ‘chilles don’t.” I groaned, he just smirked at me and threw the blanket on the floor. “Still not moving.” I said stubbornly.</p><p>“Stop being a moody git.” He rubbed his cold hands under my top, I slapped his hands away. He laughed and lifted my top up, my eyes widened as he brought his mouth to my chest and… blew raspberries.</p><p>I jumped out of bed. “You abominable fuck goblin! You’re disgusting.”</p><p>He flung himself onto the bed, laughing like a maniac. “Your face!”</p><p>I noticed the sky was still dark and narrowed my eyes at him. “Achilles, what time is it?”</p><p>He covered his eyes with his hand. “Half five.” He peaked through his fingers to find my angry expression.</p><p>“ACHILLES! We went to sleep at two! You mouldy bitch noodle, I hate you.”</p><p>“Aww c’mon poppet. I’ve been waiting for an hour.”</p><p>I, now fully awake, tackled him onto the bed. “You’re insufferable.”</p><p>“And you’re a grumpy git in the mornings.” He rolled me onto my back, I was too tired to put up much of a fight.</p><p>“No-one should be jumping up and down before six o’clock in the morning, that’s a universal rule.” I gripped him into a wrestler position and pushed him up, until we were standing, forehead to forehead.</p><p>“What can I say? I’m a rebel.”</p><p>I rolled my eyes and let go of him. “I’m going back to bed.” I wasn’t really angry, but I was tired.</p><p>“Wait <em>noooo!</em>” He grabbed my arm. “Poppet please!” His face was pleading, his stupidly perfect mouth forming a pout. I could feel my resolve cracking. “Dad won’t get up before nine but I want to give you your presents.”</p><p>I sighed, <em>why’s he so fucking cute? </em>“Fine.”</p><p>He, squealed. “Don’t worry, I know you haven’t got me anything, I don’t mind.”</p><p>I quirked an eyebrow at him, smiling. “How do you know that?”</p><p>He had the decency to blush. “I looked through your bags.” I laughed and he seemed to relax. He pulled out a bag from the bottom of his wardrobe.</p><p>“Achilles?”</p><p>He looked up. “Yeah?”</p><p>“Get dressed.” He looked down at his bare legs and chest, as if he forgot that he was only wearing pants; I certainly didn’t.</p><p>He pulled on some joggers and slipped on a top which had ‘hotter than your girlfriend’ written on it in glittery letters. “Here you go.” He handed me the bag and we sat on his rug.</p><p>I pulled out a soft package, wrapped in strawberry wrapping paper. It had been wrapped hastily. “Did you use blue-tac?” I shook my head.</p><p>“Couldn’t find cello-tape.” He shrugged. “Go on… open it!” He was doing a terrible job of containing his excitement. I felt warm and bubbly looking at his ridiculously bright smile.</p><p>I tore it open carefully and grinned when I realised what it was: cotton koala bear pyjamas. “To make up for the ones Aga-nonce ruined.”</p><p>I beamed and wrapped him in a bear hug. “Ahhh thank you!”</p><p>He rubbed my back tenderly. “It’s ok poppet.” When I pulled back I saw that he was flustered, but pleased. “Open this one next.”</p><p>It was a first edition of Peter Pan. “Just in case you want to read it without without random stories written into the margins.”</p><p>“I still can’t believe that was you.”</p><p>“I can.” I furrowed my eyebrows. “I can’t stand anybody else. Open the small one next.”</p><p>It was a pin. A pin decorated in the colours of the bisexual flag. I was silent. “You don’t have to wear it until your ready.” I fiddled with the thing, staring intently. “I just thought- I mean… the colours are pretty.”</p><p>I looked up at him. “I love it. Thank you.” He grinned at me. “But… I don’t think I can wear it. <em>Yet.</em>”</p><p>“Yeah of course. But it’s there for when you’re ready.”</p><p>“Thank you.” I placed it back in the bag carefully.</p><p>“Last one.”</p><p>I unwrapped a poster of… Jade and Beck from Victorious? I looked at him, confused. His voice shook slightly when he said. “For our room.” He searched my face for a response.</p><p>“You mean…?” The corner of my lips tugged up.</p><p>Apparently this was all the encouragement he needed to drop on one knee, holding the poster like a ring. “Patroclus Menoitiades. Will you do the honour of being my roommate?”</p><p>It took immense willpower to contain my laughter. “Yes. A thousand times yes!” I said in my highest voice, trying to ignore the way my heart was inflating like a balloon.</p><p>His smile could’ve melted Antarctica when he picked me up and spun me around. When he put me down I reached under the bed. “What are you doing?”</p><p>I smiled in response. “I knew you’d look through my bags.”</p><p>I gave him a bag of presents. He squealed. Again. “Oh my gods you got me presents. I know I said I didn’t care, and I don’t, but eeek.”</p><p>He carelessly opened the presents (wrapped in brown paper and red ribbon). Jumping up and down, thanking me loudly and wrapping my in spontaneous hugs. At this point, I had no control over the beating of my heart, which was beating so rapidly I thought it might burst out of my chest.</p><p>I bought him a notebook with several musical instruments painted on the front. “For your stories.” I told him, he looked at me like I hung the moon for him. He grinned and raised his eyebrows at the black eyeliner.</p><p>I framed a photo of us from Halloween, arms over each other in the preppy house party. “I suppose we can put this in our room.” I said enthusiastically.</p><p>He nodded and said: “we’re so hot.”</p><p>I shook my head and told him to open the card. “Merry Christmas.”</p><p>The card had just four words inside:</p><p>
  <strong>Adjective + swear word + noun.</strong>
</p><p>He looked confused for a moment, until suddenly his face lit up with the dawn of realisation. “You obstinate bitch waffle, you cruel fuck sandwich. Oh my gods, it works! Poppet I could kiss you right now.”</p><p>I felt the world go blurry. Achilles kept spouting out insults but I couldn’t make out the words. <em>I could kiss you right now. </em>Fuck. I wanted him to kiss me, I wanted to lean forward and feel those rosy lips against mine. I wanted it. I wanted it more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. It was an intense wild feeling which made my insides tear. I looked at his joyful, wonderful face and I realised:</p><p>I had a big, fat, <em>hopeless</em> crush on Achilles Pelides.</p><p><em>I’m screwed</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Bobby</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“No.” Achilles said when we were back in his room.</p><p>“What do you mean?” I folded my arms.</p><p>“You can’t go.” His gaze was stubborn, unmoving.</p><p>“Who the fuck do you think you are?”</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p><p>“No.” Achilles said when we were back in his room.</p><p>“What do you mean?” I folded my arms.</p><p>“You can’t go.” His gaze was stubborn, unmoving.</p><p>“Who the fuck do you think you are?”</p><p>“My mother’s spending New Years with me. We can’t go to Briseis’s.”<em> Is he being serious?</em></p><p>“Are you being serious?”</p><p>“Call me Raymond Holt. I’m serious <em>and</em> sassy.” We’d watched season one of Brooklyn 99 last night. <em>Gods, that seems like eons ago.</em></p><p>“I’m calling you the vulture because your selfish <em>and</em> obnoxious.”</p><p>He took a sharp intake of breath. “You smelly fuck sock! Take that back.”</p><p>“Will not. Just because your mummy doesn’t want you to leave her, doesn’t mean I can’t. She doesn’t even <em>like</em> me.”</p><p>“This isn’t about <em>her</em>.”</p><p>“Then<em> who </em>is this about. Because I’d love to be filled in on your terrible reasoning.” I started packing up my stuff, I could compete with the flash at the rate I was going.</p><p>“<em>Me</em>. It’s about me. You can’t just leave me Patroclus!” He grabbed my arm, I shook him off and avoided his eyes. “And <em>you</em>. You can’t go to the party. You shouldn’t leave your <em>best friend </em>alone whilst you go slutting around with some girl.”</p><p>“I wasn’t going to leave you Achilles! Not until you dragged me upstairs after your mother left and told me I wasn’t <em>allowed</em> to leave.” I needed to escape him. Even when he’s being bratty and obnoxious all I could think about was pinning him against the nearest wall and snog him senseless. It was constant torture. Torture I craved. <em>Ahh what’s wrong with me? </em>I had to escape.</p><p>“That’s incredibly childish.” I hauled my bags onto my back and stared at him.</p><p>“You can’t be serious? You’re calling <em>me </em>childish!” I grabbed my suitcase. “Fuck you Achilles. I’m leaving.”</p><p>“Good. Can’t stand the sight of you anyway.” He turned his back to me.</p><p>“The feeling’s mutual.” I took a deep breath and left him.</p><p>I walked downstairs to find an amused Peleus sipping tea. I heard several large bangs from Achilles’s room and winced as he kept smashing things and screaming “FUCK” like a prayer.</p><p>Peleus raised his eyebrows. I coughed awkwardly. “Sorry sir. I’m going to go; if that’s ok?”</p><p>He sighed. “Got somewhere to go, boyo?”</p><p>“Yes sir. And the means to get there.” I looked away as I heard something shatter in Achilles’s room.</p><p>“You don’t want me to drive?”</p><p>“No, thank you.” I was anxious to leave, he seemed to sense this.</p><p>“Right, see you in school then?”</p><p>I nodded. “Yes sir. Thanks for having me.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>Briseis lived in a London Apartment. It took me 8 hours to travel there by taxi, my mind felt heavy and my movements were slow.</p><p>I was going to go back to my fathers, but Briseis asked what happened and then insisted I stay with her.</p><p>I knocked on the door quietly, feeling nauseous. A boy opened the door, he had Briseis’s eyes and chin. He crossed his arms. “Who are you?”</p><p>“Patroclus.” I tried to smile at him.</p><p>“Don’t do that weird weird thing with your face.” My smile dropped. “You look like a corpse.”</p><p>“I feel like one. Shouldn’t you be in bed.” It was four o’clock in the morning.</p><p>“I <em>was</em> in bed. You knocked.” He had a slight lisp, which at any other time, I would have thought adorable.</p><p>“Where are your parents?”</p><p>“Their bedroom is far away from the door.” He was carrying a blue bear and his eyes were droopy from sleep. I squatted to his height and pointed to the bear.</p><p>“Who’s that?”</p><p>“Bobby.”</p><p>“He’s cute. Will you wake Briseis up please?”</p><p>His little brain considered this for a while. “No. She’ll shout at me if I wake her up. Goodbye stranger.”</p><p>He slammed the door my face.</p><p>OoO</p><p>“Patroclus?”</p><p>I opened my eyes to a cruel light. My head was screaming as I blinked at Briseis. My back clicked as I sat up to face her. “Hi.” I said lamely.</p><p>“Wha- how- what are you doing?”</p><p>“Sleeping.” I rubbed my head. She glared at me. “Sorry.”</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>OoO</p><p>Briseis’s apartment was massive, large glass windows that looked over the city but it was scarcely furnished. My room was bare, even the cupboards looked more like walls than storage. Briseis’s room was lovely though.</p><p>She had managed to convince her parents to let her have free reign over her room and she’d made the most of it. It was like a fairy wonderland. She had a four poster bed, plants, flowers, clothes thrown carelessly over the floor, photo collages and LED lights decorating the walls.</p><p>We spent our days traipsing through London. We had the whole tourist experience, from Madame Tussaud’s to the London Dungeons. Briseis made a valiant effort of putting up with my miserable self.</p><p>Briseis was wonderful company, but I couldn’t help miss Achilles; it was painful how much I missed him. I wasn’t expecting to feel like this, I didn’t realise how much of an impact he’s had on me. Until this, I’d seen his annoyingly perfect face every day for the past 14 weeks.</p><p>Sometimes I’d be fine, eating ice cream on a park bench with Briseis, laughing at cat videos and then I’d wonder what Achilles was doing. I wanted to tell him <em>everything </em>but he wasn’t here. I wanted him to whisper dirty thoughts in my ear that would make me uncomfortable. I wanted him to make fun of a group of kids dressed as road men so I could scold him for it.</p><p>I wanted to see him smile and I wanted to hear him laugh. I’d pass a living statue and imagine how he would do everything in his power to make them break character whilst I dragged him away. Then I’d remember that he’s an inconsiderate asshole and I’d hate myself for liking him regardless.</p><p>I missed him? Yes. I missed so much my heart felt dehydrated and I struggled to sleep? Yes. Did I have a terrible time? Not at all.</p><p>Briseis was brilliant company and London was limitless. The only thing missing was a bratty blonde boy with anger issues. <em>I need to get a grip.</em> I told myself, over and over. Unfortunately, I did not manage to ‘get a grip.’</p><p>OoO</p><p>The party was alright. I spent most of it in the corner eating vanilla icing from a tub. Briseis was excited to see her cousins and friends so I managed to be a loner for the majority of the festivities. She did keep trying to drag me into conversations at the start and I was sociable for a solid hour before I found a suitable corner to hide in.</p><p>“Hey Pat.” Briseis sat down next to me. “Why are you sulking?” She seemed a little bit tipsy, I smiled at her.</p><p>“Sorry. I’m not sulking though, just enjoying this.” I waved the cartoon of icing at her.</p><p>“You’ve eaten half a tub?!” <em>Achilles would have been able to eat a full tub, </em>I thought lamely.</p><p>“It’s yummy.”</p><p>She chuckled. “It’s nearly twelve… dance with me.”</p><p>I felt guilty for feeling miserable, so I took her hand and let her lead me to the dance floor.</p><p>I grinned at Briseis’s parents. “Hello.” They were holding each other close and moving languidly.</p><p>“Dancing with our Bear Bear, I see.” Briseis’s dad raised his eyebrows suggestively.</p><p>I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks under his harsh gaze. “Yes sir.”</p><p>He looked me up and down and narrowed his eyes at me, I gulped. “Fine. But if you hurt-”</p><p>“Dad!” Briseis grabbed my arm. “Stop embarrassing me!”</p><p>“I was just telling young Patroclus here-”</p><p>“Nope.” She interrupted him. “You will not be telling ‘young Patroclus’ anything. See you later.” I muttered an apology as Briseis dragged me away from them.</p><p>We danced badly to the music, jumping up and down, shouting lyrics at each other and for a while, I didn’t think about a pampered mummy’s boy with green eyes.</p><p>10… 9… 8…</p><p>The countdown to midnight started echoing around the room.</p><p>7… 6… 5…</p><p>Everyone who had a partner, found them, pulling them close.</p><p>4… 3…</p><p>Briseis dropped my hands and I looked away sheepishly.</p><p>2… 1… “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”</p><p>There were fireworks visible from the large glass windows and everybody cheered wildly, embracing their partners. I looked at Briseis to find her staring at me, eyebrows furrowed.</p><p>Before I could blink, she grabbed my jaw and kissed me. I went rigid. I thought about what this would feel like if Briseis was Achilles. Then I told myself to focus on the wonderful girl in front of me. I’d never thought of Briseis this way, but I’d always thought her beautiful. Maybe this would work.</p><p>In a spurt of confidence I kissed her back. It was… ok. I waited for something to stir inside me like it did when I was with Dorian, but I didn’t feel anything; just lips against lips. The kiss was comforting but it didn’t feel right. Different to before.</p><p>Briseis pulled back abruptly, there were tears in her eyes. “I- I’m sorry.” She ran off before I could muster a word.</p><p>OoO</p><p>I found Briseis in her bedroom, weeping quietly into her pillow. I walked over hesitantly and sat next to her on the bed. “Uhh, Briseis? Hi.” <em>Hi? Really Patroclus? Why, why, why?</em></p><p>She looked up, shocked and embarrassed. She hastily wiped the tears from her eyes. “Sorry Pat. I just want to be alone.”</p><p><em>On one hand, I should probably respect her wishes, but what if she’s only saying that because she doesn’t want to be embarrassed?</em> I placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. “You can tell me anything Bri. <em>Anything at all.</em>”</p><p>She paused considering. “I don’t want to annoy you.”</p><p>I looked at her earnestly. “I <em>promise </em>you’re not annoying me. What’s wrong?” She picked at the edge of her pillow intently. “Bri-”</p><p>“I think I’m broken.” She put her head in her hands and took a staggered breath.</p><p>“What do you mean?” My heart had dropped into my stomach.</p><p>She looked up at me, her eyes were wide and red-rimmed. “Everything.” She swallowed. “The whole world. <em>People.</em>” I tried not to show the confusion on my face. “Everything’s about sex and money and power. Power gets you money and money gets you sex and sex gets you power and on and on it goes.” She clenched her fists.</p><p>“Briseis you- you don’t believe that. What about… friends and food and flowers and books?”</p><p>She looked at me like I was naïve and stupid. “Friends bring you power, food brings you money, flowers bring you sex and books just romanticise all three.”</p><p>“That’s- no. Briseis, what’s this really about?” I frowned.</p><p>“Sex. It’s everywhere. All the books and shows and conversations and songs. People are <em>obsessed</em>. It’s inescapable.” She sighed, frustrated.</p><p>“<em>Right?”</em></p><p><em>“</em>But I don’t get it. Why? What’s the appeal? I don’t think about it like everybody else seems to. I’m nearly 15 and I don’t- I don’t <em>get</em> it. My mother bought me these books; you know, puberty books. But that’s not how I… work?” I think she had these words in her head for a long time, they were spilling out of her like a waterfall. </p><p>“At first I thought maybe I was a lesbian. That would make sense right? That was why I was never interested in boys like the rest of the girls seemed to be. But… I kissed a girl last year and that wasn’t <em>right</em> either. I still enjoy physical affection, you know, like hugs or resting my head on your shoulder, but the thought of sex just-”</p><p>She grabbed her hair, there were tears streaming down her face and her voice sounded scratchy. “<em>Just too young. </em>I told myself, stupidly. Then I met you. And you were <em>perfect.</em> Kind and funny and smart. <em>Finally, </em>I had a crush on someone. I had a crush on <em>you</em>, Patroclus. I was so, <em>so</em> sure that I had a crush on you. I convinced myself it was true.”</p><p>“But then I kissed you and…” her breath hitched, “I didn’t <em>feel </em>anything. It was wrong. There’s something <em>wrong</em> with me Patroclus I-”</p><p>I gripped her hands. “Hey.” She looked away. “There is <em>nothing </em>wrong with you.”</p><p>She shook her head and looked up at me, her dark eyes glistened from tears held back. Her voice hitched. “I- I’m <em>broken</em>.” She blinked and tears streamed down her face.</p><p>“Listen to me.” My voice cracked. “You are <em>not </em>broken.”</p><p>“Then explain why I am the way I am.”</p><p>I remembered seeing articles about his when I was scouring the internet to convince myself I didn’t actually like boys. “You’re probably asexual.”</p><p>“Asexual?”</p><p>“Yeah. I’m pretty sure it means you don’t feel sexual attraction.” Her brows furrowed. “It’s completely normal. There’s <em>nothing </em>wrong with you Briseis. You’re still the strong, clever, amazing girl you’ve always been.” She chuckled.</p><p>“But what if sex makes us human?”</p><p>“Most mammals have sex. You’re not broken or… less human because sex doesn’t appeal to you.”</p><p>“How can you be sure?”</p><p>“Because I’m sure.” She raised her eyebrows condescendingly. “You know what makes us human?” I didn’t know why this was the direction I was taking, but, at the time, it just seemed right. She didn’t want pity or sappy remarks, so I went with the first thing that popped into my head.</p><p>“Are you going to turn into the bubbly protagonist of a hallmark movie?”</p><p>I snorted. “Cooking. In year 7, my biology teacher showed us a video of two frogs fucking – it was quite disturbing – but I’ve never seen a video of a frog baking doughnuts.”</p><p>“I’m a terrible cook.”</p><p>“Ah, but that doesn’t matter. You can still <em>eat</em> cooked food.”</p><p>“You’re ridiculous.”</p><p>“But I’m right. Have you ever seen a lizard cook a lasagne?” She shook her head. “Didn’t think so. Now let’s go and eat bread because you’re valid.”</p><p>OoO</p><p>We cuddled under a blanket and I clutched Briseis close as we ate freshly baked bread and watched Reign on her laptop.</p><p>“You’re right.” I said.</p><p>“Duh.” She ripped off a piece of bread. “About what?”</p><p>“Humans are obsessed with sex.”</p><p>She chuckled and ruffled my hair.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know Achilles is a bitch baby in this one but I’m giving him room to ✨grow✨. </p><p>I’m sorry this chapter is quite a bit shorter than the past few have been but I’ll have the next one up soon. (This one took a while to edit for some reason). </p><p>I know every other chapter (bar ch1) has been full of Achilles/Patroclus content but I wanted to focus on Briseis more for this one. The boys will be back to their usual shenanigans soon. </p><p>I’m not asexual but I really hope I managed to convey Briseis’s thoughts and experiences realistically(??). If I said anything stupid or unrealistic please point it out to me in the comments. (All my research came from obsessively watching asexual TikTok compilations on yt and reading the comments lol). </p><p>And OH MY GODS, you guys were so active on the last chapter, I treasure every comment and you’re all so lovely &lt;3&lt;3 I really appreciate anyone who’s reading this. </p><p>Stay safe and healthy :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Moping</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I’m a changed boy now, less naïve, more cold and calculating; call me Spock. Gone are my days of childish petulance. </p><p>How can I get his attention? He’d already completed all the questions (that’s what happens when you don’t look up from your book), he’s doodling flowers in the margins of his workbook. Cute. No Achilles, not cute. I stared harder.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: Homophobic slurs, mild violence, racism.</p><p>(If any of the above make you uncomfortable, just leave a comment before reading and I can summarise the scenes for ya) :)</p><p>Also, this another double upload folks, enjoy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Achilles:</strong>
</p><p><em>Ugh.</em> School was dull and monotonous without Patroclus. There was little difference between what my life was like before Patroclus, except that before Patroclus I didn’t know what life was like with Patroclus. I’m completely miserable and I <em>cannot </em>stop thinking about him. <em>I’m pathetic.</em></p><p>I debated not going to classes again but I still go the the ones Patroclus is in, I’m a failure to myself.</p><p>In maths, we sat opposite each other on a table. Briseis was in set one, so Patroclus couldn’t overly invest himself in a meaningless conversation about gummy bears (history) or striped ties (english). There was nothing to distract him from me.</p><p>I stared – well, it was more of a glare – and I didn’t bother hiding it. Most of the time he stared back: in the dining hall, corridors and lawn; but he tends to avoid my gaze in class.</p><p>“Achilles do you need help?” Some girl who sat next to me.</p><p>“No.”I replied curtly. Patroclus rolled his eyes. “No thank you.” <em>Why did I do that?</em></p><p>We were doing Pythagorus’ Theorem, unbelievably dull. We’ve been back to school for a whole week and the most contact I’ve had with Patroclus are a few sneers, flipping each other off in hallways and that one time I barged into him.</p><p>A stupid, naïve version of me (before this term) believed that we’d see each other and everything would be magically fine. However, when I did see him, that cold Monday morning, his expression soured and he just ignored my presence.</p><p>
  <em>I’m a changed boy now, less naïve, more cold and calculating; call me Spock. Gone are my days of childish petulance. </em>
</p><p><em>How can I get his attention?</em> He’d already completed all the questions (that’s what happens when you don’t look up from your book), he’s doodling flowers in the margins of his workbook. <em>Cute. No Achilles, not cute. </em>I stared harder.</p><p>His left hand twitched slightly, I smiled and leaned forward in my chair. He was determined not to give in though. I clenched my teeth and kicked his leg under the table, he looked up instantly; regret twisted his features.</p><p>He didn’t back down though, just met my gaze with equal intensity. His usually kind eyes were hard and unmoving, I was praying that he couldn’t understand what I was thinking. <em>I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.</em></p><p>He was staring at me; searching. “What?” I said, stupidly.</p><p>“Huh?” <em>Ahh his voice! It’s been too long.</em></p><p>I smirked. “What are you looking at?”</p><p>“You can’t be serious.” I shrugged and leaned back, my insides were all happy that he was talking to me. “You’ve been staring at me nonstop.”</p><p>“You wish.” I chuckled and he sighed, going back to drawing his flowers. <em>Nononono, that’s not what I want.</em></p><p>He ignored me all lesson and I was burning from the inside out.</p><p>OoO</p><p>I caught up the him in the corridors after class and stopped him in his tracks. “What do you want?” He grumbled.</p><p>“To apologise.” I gave my biggest smile, all teeth.</p><p>He looked taken aback for a second; hopeful. Then his eyes narrowed. “What are you apologising for?”</p><p>I knew that if I gave a half decent answer he would forgive me. I could do that. “I’m sorry for telling you not to go. I mean you were childish and should have been more considerate.” He threw his hands up in exasperation. <em>Fuck fuck fuck.</em></p><p>“You can’t just have whatever you want Achilles. People shouldn’t have to give up what they want for you, that’s selfish.” He went to walk away, I grabbed his sleeve in desperation.</p><p>“Oh and you think you’re so much better than me?”<em> I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.</em></p><p>“This isn’t about me.” He pulled his arm back.</p><p>“Yes. <em>It is. </em>You-” messed with me. You made me vulnerable. You made me act out. You caused weird fluttery things to appear in my stomach. You hijacked my thoughts and actions and- I missed you so much it hurt. “Fuck you.” <em>I miss you. I miss you. I miss you!</em></p><p>He flagged me and walked away.</p><p>OoO</p><p>On my way to French, I saw a sign up sheet for football try-outs. I scribbled my name quickly and hoped Patroclus would do the same.</p><p>OoO</p><p>The boys walked back to Agamemnon’s dorm after classes on Friday. I went with them because I had nothing else better to do. Patroclus was lying on his back reading a book, he didn’t look up when we walked in but I saw his shoulders tense.</p><p>We sat around the room languidly, I discreetly placed myself on the wall opposite Patroclus’s bed. Agamemnon opened a can of coke and gulped it. “Arse or tits?” Patroclus rolled his eyes and I suppressed a giggle.</p><p>“Arse.” Menelaus said.</p><p>“I agree.” Paris butted in. “But tits are an add on.”</p><p>“True.” Menelaus agreed. “Hector?”</p><p>“Personality.”</p><p>The group unanimously groaned in annoyance. “There’s always one.” Agamemnon said. “Diomedes?”</p><p>“Arse. No, tits. No, arse.” He sighed like he had to make a world-altering decision. “I can’t decide.”</p><p>“You’re all disgusting.” Odysseus chuckled.</p><p>“Prude.” Agamemnon muttered.</p><p>“What about you Achilles?” Menelaus asked.</p><p>I suppressed a groan, I was busy watching Patroclus, <em>what do they want? “</em>Huh?”</p><p>“Arse or tits?”</p><p>I didn’t bother looking at them. “Both are nice, I guess.” <em>Now stop talking to me.</em></p><p>But of course, they didn’t. “Aww c’mon.” Paris jousted. “Show a little enthusiasm.”</p><p>I sighed. “Wow. I love boobies <em>so </em>much. I simply lose all self-control when I see them, I’m a nightmare at the beach. And I’m honestly a little jealous of girls who have two stress balls permanently attached to their chests.” Patroclus snorted. “All that said, I’m an arse guy.”</p><p>Agamemnon laughed and I felt a flare of hatred towards him, <em>who does he think he is laughing at my jokes. </em>“You’re such a player.” He said it with a sort of awe and I wanted to strangle him.</p><p>“I was bring sarc-”</p><p>“Did you see the game last night?” Diomedes voice was louder than mine, I was going to intervene but I became distracted by Patroclus turning the page of his book.</p><p>I switched off as they talked about sports and girls, very stereotypical. <em>Ladies and gentlemen, the brightest minds of the next generation. </em>I don’t usually care what people talk about but I was feeling extra moody that day. All I wanted to do was grab Patroclus and beg him to forgive me.</p><p>His phone pinged and he placed his book gently under his pillow. Patroclus didn’t look at me as he left the room.</p><p>Agamemnon shivered. “That guy gives me the creeps.”</p><p>I glared at him but he didn’t seem to notice. I felt my blood boil but tried to calm down, <em>you’re not even friends with him anymore. You shouldn’t care. </em>“Why?” Hector asked, confused. “He seems nice.”</p><p>“He’s a fag.” Agamemnon’s face twisted. </p><p>“You don’t have any proof.” <em>Why is hector sticking up for him?</em></p><p>“Trust me boys, I  just know.” I clenched my fists and teeth. <em>Don’t give in, Patroclus wouldn’t want you to.</em></p><p>“So what if he is?” Odysseus raises his eyebrows.</p><p>“I’m not homophobic or anything.” He laughed awkwardly. “Doesn’t mean I’m comfortable sharing a room with him.” <em>Fuck, I can’t take this.</em></p><p>“Shut up.” I muttered.</p><p>Agamemnon raised his eyebrows and smirked slightly, <em>fuck. He wanted a reaction and you gave it to him. </em>“What was that?” He looked at me, the other boys didn’t dare talk.</p><p>“Shut up. You’re being a prick.”</p><p>“Why are you sticking up for him? I thought you two weren’t boyfriends anymore?”</p><p>I clenched my jaw. “<em>Shut up.</em>”</p><p>“Ooo. Look at Achilles Pelides getting all defensive about his creepy boyfriend.” I squeezed my eyes shut. <em>Don’t react. Don’t react. </em>“That’s it, isn’t it? You’ve been grumpy because <em>that boy </em>doesn’t want to be your boyfriend.” I opened many eyes and took a deep breath.</p><p>“So what if he’s gay? You’re only threatened by it because you’re scared he’ll treat you like you treat girls.” His eyes flashed. “Don’t worry. You’re nobody’s type.”</p><p>His nostrils flared. “Suck my dick Pelides.”</p><p>“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” I smirked at him.</p><p>“I’m afraid that line only works on Patroclus.” I wanted to wrap my fingers around his neck and watch as the life slowly drained out of him as he spluttered like a dying pig. <em>CALM DOWN!</em></p><p>“You’d be surprised.”</p><p>“You deserve each other. You should make a faggot club.” He snickered at his own joke and made a blowjob gesture with his hands and mouth. I froze. “<em>Fuck Patroclus.</em> That’s so good.”</p><p>I didn’t realise I’d moved my hand until it made impact with Agamemnon’s face. <em>That’s gonna leave a bruise. </em>I could have pinned him down and beat him bloody, but I wanted – needed – him to fight back.</p><p>He reached out and I caught his arm, twisting it at an odd angle. <em>There are people everywhere, make it believable. </em>His nose made a sickening crunch as I punched him again. There was blood running down his mouth and he looked at me with blind fury.</p><p>I let myself lose balance slightly and he charged forward. <em>It has to look like self defence. </em>He threw me into the wall and I felt my back light up painfully at the impact. I forced my arm to move slowly as I reached forward again, he dodged easily.</p><p>Blood clung to the corners of his lips as he smiled gruesomely at me. He lunged again, using all the force he could muster. I grabbed his arm easily and grunted (as if struggling) as I twisted his arm until I heard a snap. I suppressed a smile as he screamed.</p><p>The boys were white faced as they went to his side. I pretended to look flustered and stumbled out of the room. <em>You did it. </em></p><p>OoO</p><p>People were buzzing about the news all day, like little pests that wouldn’t leave me alone.</p><p>“We know you were only defending yourself.” Two girls were walking near me in the hallways, I didn’t know their names.</p><p>“Agamemnon is a real psycho, never liked him.”</p><p>“I heard he said the something racist. I would have broken his arm too. We’re very liberal you see. Basically rebels.”</p><p>“Yeah. But not like the rioters.”</p><p>“Of course not. I think everyone could get along better if we sat down and talked civilly.”</p><p>“I completely agree. No need to get violent.”</p><p>So many people seemed to get some moral thrill out of condemning Agamemnon’s racism or homophobia (depends on how they heard the story) and then they’d usually go on to say something completely racist or homophobic afterwards.</p><p>The amount of time I heard “I’m not homophobic but they don’t need to shove their agenda in our faces” made me want to stick my hand in a blender. I just replied with something vague and non-committal, I didn’t actually do this for the attention. The constant stream of ignorant nonsense almost made me regret it, <em>almost.</em></p><p>Agamemnon came back in a cast the next day. I don’t like lying – I despise it – but I knew I had to apologise to him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I was scared and wasn’t thinking straight.” He glared at me. “Let’s just be friends, yeah?” I flashed him a pitying smile.</p><p>I could see the rage in his eyes, but he knew he looked like the villain, even though I remained unscathed. “Yeah, alright.” </p><p>I pulled him into a bro hug, he smelled like onions and sweat. “I told you that if you insulted Patroclus again, I would break your arm.” I whispered in his ear and tightened my grip. “Let’s not make the same mistake again eh?” He tried to break free but I held him close. “Coach would hate to find out that one of our star players had broken both his legs.”</p><p>I let go, smiling, and led him to our table, he looked deathly pale.</p><p>OoO</p><p>In the mornings, I would go to Neverland. Patroclus and I still talked to each other through the books, without acknowledging anything from the real world. We had a little notebook that we hid under a pillow. We’d even established a little layout, I didn’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have this.</p><p>We didn’t communicate more than petty arguments but I read all his entries intently. He’d left a new one last night.</p><p>
  
</p><p>I smiled at his entry and scribbled down my own:</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yes, yes, Achilles IS being a whiny (violent) bitch baby again but it’s sososo fun to write, he will grow guys dw.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Combat Club</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I was addicted to watching it, the way his muscles would tighten when he punched or how his shoulders would tense as he grabbed somebody. I liked to see his hair cling to his temples. I especially enjoyed the end of a fight, his chest heaving as he stood up on wobbly legs.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This gets a bit sexc, nothing explicit but if that’s not your thing just leave a comment and I’ll summarise the scene for you :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Achilles:</strong>
</p><p>Patroclus joined combat club. It was stupid of me to know this, <em>I shouldn’t know this. </em>I followed him after school on Tuesday and found him punching a bag with a group of boys and Briseis.</p><p>He wore a tank top and worked until he was dripping; I liked to watch. <em>No different to how you watch him usually, </em>I told myself. I think my presence at this club fuelled his anger.</p><p>It was essentially a ‘defence’ class taught by Mr Baros, a tall, burly man with more hair on his face than his head. Most people went to blow off some steam in a ‘school approved’ environment.</p><p>Patroclus was better at fighting than he was at football. He was far from the strongest or the tallest or the fastest, but when he fought, he was <em>determined </em>to win. It was all heart. He wasn’t a violent person and he didn’t like hurting people, but he rarely had to – he usually managed to disable with non-lethal techniques. He knew all he had to do was pin his opponent to floor and keep them there; no need for unnecessary pain.</p><p>His technique was messy and he lost a fair amount of matches. But he seemed to improve every game. I was addicted to watching it, the way his muscles would tighten when he punched or how his shoulders would tense as he grabbed somebody. I liked to see his hair cling to his temples. I especially enjoyed the end of a fight, his chest heaving as he stood up on wobbly legs.</p><p>Briseis and Patroclus had convinced Penelope and Helen to join them. This was infuriating because it made it easier for him to ignore me. They hung around in a group and partnered with each other.</p><p>He refused to partner with me, he wouldn’t even look at me. I could tell he was mad that I’d followed him there. He used it to calm down and my presence wasn’t very good stress relief. A better person might have left – I was way ahead of them and there was no need for me to be there – <em>I should give him space. </em>I didn’t.</p><p>OoO (SEXC SCENE HERE)</p><p>It had been three weeks now. Three weeks without a conversation with Patroclus, I was going insane. I needed this to be over.</p><p>After school on Friday, I caught sight of him walking to the gym by himself. <em>What’s he doing? </em>Apparently I had no self control because I couldn’t help but follow silently behind him.</p><p>I waited in the gym as he changed into that delicious tank top. <em>No. Not delicious. Achilles what are you on about? Black. It’s a black tank top.</em></p><p>“Boo.” I said as he walked out.</p><p>He jumped back. “Fuck!” I laughed as he regained his balance and tried to calm his breathing. “<em>Achilles</em>.” He said my name quietly and his eyes softened before narrowing suddenly. “Did you follow me?” <em>Yay, he’s talking to me</em>.</p><p>“Why did you change in the changing rooms? You didn’t even know there was anyone here.” He looked as if he hadn’t even considered this.</p><p>“Can you leave me alone?” He scowled.</p><p><em>You should go,</em> but this was the closest I’d been to him in days. “Public facilities.” I took my bag off and sat on the floor.</p><p>“You’re insufferable.” He placed earphones in his ears and turned away from me.</p><p>I watched as he punched, over and over again. <em>He’s probably imagining your face. Shut up brain.</em></p><p>I couldn’t resist walking up to him. He pulled his earphones out. “What are you doing?”</p><p>I held the bag. “Helping.” Go on, I nodded towards it.</p><p>He sighed but carried on punching anyway. I felt something stir inside me as I watched him. All my emotions must have been mixing up because of how I missed him. I’m not gay so this attraction must just be how I gravitate towards him on a friendship-level. <em>Please let it be that. </em>There was no way Patroclus could like me.</p><p>My thoughts were becoming dangerous, I needed a distraction. “Fight me.”</p><p>He stopped punching. “Huh?”</p><p>I took of my jumper and tie. “Fight me.”</p><p>His eyes widened. “Why would I do that?”</p><p>“Because you want to.” I smiled at him and raised my fists.</p><p>“Fighting won’t solve all your problems Achilles.” He crossed his arms.</p><p>“It’s yet to fail me thus far.” He looked away. “C’mon pop- Patroclus.” He flinched, I could have cried. “Fight me.” I said in a small voice.</p><p>He was about to walk away, <em>nonononono</em>. I punched him in the gut, hard. He doubled over. “Achilles, what the fuck?”</p><p>“Fight me.” I said in a louder voice. I needed this. It was the only contact I knew how to get.</p><p>“I’m not going to-” I shoved him forward. He was just as testosterone filled as I was, he was better at controlling it, sure, but I could still make him snap. I pushed him again. He had his fists clenched. I pushed him again.</p><p>His jaw was clenched. <em>I’m close</em>. I tried to push him again but he grabbed my arms. “I hate you.”</p><p>I raised my eyebrows at him. “Prove it.”</p><p>He shook his head, I tripped him up, causing him to let go of my wrists as he fell. “You bitch.” <em>I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.</em></p><p>“You know it.” Before he had a chance to move, I pinned him with my body weight. He used all his strength to roll us over. Could I have won this fight in five seconds? Yes. Was I going to? Not a chance.</p><p>He was fighting back now, not holding anything back. He gripped my arms tightly as we wrestled on the dirty floor. It wasn’t a skilful fight; it was raw and messy, but it was the most alive I’d felt since Christmas.</p><p>We locked eyes as we grappled desperately at each other. I’m not sure how long we were rolling around, but my hair had started to cling to my forehead and Patroclus’s arms were slippery with sweat. I didn’t want to stop, <em>ever</em>.</p><p>I held him a tight hold with my knees around his waist, his chest was heaving deeply and he flung his head back in exhaustion. “Do you yield?” I grinned.</p><p>He sighed loudly. I didn’t want him to actually stop but what if we could be friends after this? I felt giddy at the thought. “Nope.” He said but he wasn’t struggling.</p><p>I eyed him wearily. “What are you planning?” I stared at the V of his neck, until I felt something light on my arm. I looked down to see Patroclus’s fingers dancing on my wrist. I took a sharp intake of breath as he flipped us over.</p><p>“Casual touches.” He smirked. <em>Hot.</em> The endorphins were messing with my head.</p><p>“You’re using my flirting techniques against me?” I felt a little proud.</p><p>“Yep. Well I wasn’t flirting, just distracting you.” He was on his hands and knees above me, trapping me in. <em>Distracting indeed. </em></p><p>The material was clinging to his chest as I ran my fingertips across his torso. His eyes flashed. “Two can play at this game.” He arched his neck subconsciously as I traced his Adam’s apple. <em>I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. That’s weird Achilles. No, its not! </em>I told my brain. <em>He has a bigger Adam’s apple than me, I was just curious.</em> I willed it to be true.</p><p>He seemed alarmed and I took the opportunity to roll us around. I wrapped my legs around his waist. I thought about trapping his arms above his head, but I wanted to know what his next move was. I knew this was a bit different to usual wrestling but it was fun, so I didn’t really care.</p><p>I was on my guard and wrist touching wouldn’t work; he had to be bold. He seemed to hesitate before he grabbed my thighs. <em>What?!</em> He gulped as he stroked the inside of my thigh. <em>Fuck, fuck, fuck.</em></p><p>He took the advantage and flipped us over again. I was still recovering as he pinned my arms above my head. I realised I was extremely horny at this point, <em>have I ever been this horny before? Yes, you’re just over thinking it.</em></p><p>I decided it was perfectly normal to feel this. I was a teenager who’d spent the past hour rolling around with an attractive person. It didn’t matter that it was Patroclus, it <em>couldn’t</em>.</p><p>I haven’t had any action for a long time, I’ve been too busy moping to find a girlfriend, so that’s probably – <em>definitely</em> – why. It’s just the physical contact. It can’t be anything else. <em>Nope, not allowed.</em></p><p>He smiled at me, <em>your move</em>. My heart was about to burst through my chest as I surveyed my options. My legs were still wrapped possessively around his waist, but his chest covered mine entirely and he’d immobilised my arms.</p><p>An idea came to mind, I tried to sweep it away. I needed to be logical, I could do logic. Apparently, I cannot do logic, I started grinding against him. <em>Stupid, stupid- feels nice. No. Achilles this is purely strategic. </em></p><p>His eyes widened and he let out open mouthed gasp. My hormones were all over the place and I flung him to the ground before I did anything stupid(er).</p><p>I looked down at him in horror. I had another problem now, all the blood was rushing to my dick at an alarming speed. <em>Nonononono!</em> I jumped off him. I couldn’t be attracted to Patroclus. <em>No</em>. I’d do something stupid and ruin our relationship more than I already have.</p><p>I grabbed my bag, turned away and tried to hide my boner with my jumper. “Well… that escalated quickly.” He laughed awkwardly. <em>See, he doesn’t feel anything for you. Just boys being dudes.</em></p><p>His eyes seemed to be pleading. I knew that if I apologised he would forgive me and we could go back to normal, which is everything I’ve wanted for the past few weeks. But apart of me was afraid, what if I did develop feelings? <em>You can’t.</em></p><p>On the other hand,<em> how dare he make me feel like this! How dare he mess with my head and my body this way! How dare he have so much control over me that I would happily go on my knees and beg for him to be friends with me again! How dare he take away my dignity like that</em>! “Fuck you Patroclus.” I snarled and slammed the door shut on my way out.</p><p>OoO (SEXC SCENE OVER)</p><p>I regretted it as soon as I left and regretted it even more after I had a wank in the shower causing my mind to clear and my body to calm down.</p><p>I needed him. I was falling apart without him. I don’t know when I’d become so co-dependent but I <em>needed </em>him. I thought about our pact and how all I wanted was to go to him and cry into his shoulder, except I couldn’t because it was him I was crying over. <em>Pathetic.</em></p><p>I felt the weight of the past few weeks crash down upon me and realised that I’d never actually felt this miserable before. I was so <em>alone</em>. I felt my sinuses burn and tried to stifle my tears because I was terrified one of the boys would overhear.</p><p>I held them back and hoped to every god in the sky that he would give me another chance; I prayed to every blade of grass on their precious mountain that I wouldn’t fuck it up. <em>Again.</em></p><p>OoO</p><p>Football try-outs were in the rain, typical. We were freezing our tits off in shorts and t-shirts as we forced our numb legs to move.</p><p>Patroclus had signed up. He played well. Better than most of the other boys, although that wasn’t hard. He must have carried on training without me, we had the next few months planned out, so he must have stuck to it. I felt my heart clench at the thought.</p><p>I didn’t have the strength to sabotage him. I passed to him when I could and didn’t trip him up once. <em>Weak, weak, weak.</em></p><p>OoO</p><p><br/><br/>I laughed when I read it back, ripping out the page. There was no way I’d let him see it. It was weird seeing my thoughts written down like that. <em>Fucking pathetic.</em></p><p>OoO</p><p>They announced the football team after a PE lesson. It had been raining heavily and my kit was soaked through. I was anxious to change, I was sure I’d made it but I stayed to hear about Patroclus. <em>I’m weak.</em></p><p>We were all standing in a line as names were called off a list. <em>Achilles, Agamemnon, Ajax, Hector… </em>the boys were walking away happy if their name was called, I stayed where I was. The teacher was nearing the end of the list and Patroclus’s name still hadn’t been called.</p><p>I looked over at Patroclus, his head was hung low. <em>He doesn’t think he’s going to get chosen. </em>I thought with a pang. He was better than most of the boys called. I would have to have a word with the teacher if he wasn’t chosen, I couldn’t bear to see him defeated. <em>Please, please, please.</em></p><p>The teacher was reading the names slowly, I wanted to scream at him so he’d hurry up. <em>Paris and Patroclus.</em></p><p>“Yes!” I said, all the other boys still standing looked annoyed at me for ruining their glum mood. I looked to Patroclus and saw he was staring at me, with a huge grin on his face. I don’t know which one of us moved first, but before I knew it we were running toward each other.</p><p>I wrapped my arms around him desperately. Feeling my bones warm at his embrace. “Well done Poppet.” I whispered, breathless in his ear.</p><p>I felt his whole body shudder. “I missed you.”</p><p>I was scared to speak because I thought that I would surely cry if I opened my mouth. I took a staggered breath and braced myself. “I missed you too.” My voice cracked but I carried on regardless. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for being a brat, not just on Christmas but for the past few weeks. I just- I’m sorry.”</p><p>He pulled me closer. “It’s alright. I forgive you.” I felt my entire demeanour change at those three words. I didn’t even realise my heart was so heavy until it lightened.</p><p>“I promise never to tell where you can or cannot go ever again.”</p><p>He chuckled. “Yay for the bare minimum.”</p><p>I reluctantly released him from the hug and hung an arm over his shoulders. “Oi. It’s better than most.” He flung his arm over my shoulder then too, squeezing gently.</p><p>“I’ve really missed your stupid face.” I told him.</p><p>“I’ve really missed your stupid face too.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>These chapters are very Achilles-centric hehe. I hope you’re all enjoying and thank you for all the wonderful comments you’re all amazing &lt;3&lt;3</p><p>Dear Achilles, </p><p>Stop being a stubborn brat and realise you have feelings for Patroclus ;)</p><p>Sincerely, </p><p>Everyone &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Mango</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>If I gave any real weight to most of my thoughts, I’d probably be in a mental hospital. I just let them pass through my head with detached amusement. I don’t know why this whole Patroclus thing is bugging me so much. I took an ‘am I gay’ test on buzz-feed and it said I’m not. That proved it.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>These chapter titles are ridiculous, I know. But it’s fun to pick a random word from the chapter and add it in out of context. Kudos if you spot it lol.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Achilles:</strong>
</p><p>“I’m just saying that <em>I’d </em>rather be a violin.” Patroclus told me as we walked out of the changing rooms.</p><p>“Yeah but if you were a violin, it’s more likely that the person playing you is terrible and you’d sound terrible.” I grinned at him, <em>I missed you. </em>“However, as a guitar, even beginners don’t sound terrible.”</p><p>“But…” the corners of his lips tugged up. “Sticky fingers.” He wiggled his fingers at me.</p><p>I make a scratchy noise. “Guess who I am.” I made the noise again. “It’s you. I’m being you as a violin.”</p><p>He poked me. “Sticky fingers.”</p><p>I hit his hand away. “Dying pig.”</p><p>“Oh, thank the gods!” I heard a familiar high-pitched voice in front of me. I looked away from Patroclus.</p><p>“Hi Bri.” He greeted.</p><p>She looked between us. “You two friends again?”</p><p>We grinned at each other. “Yeah.” I said.</p><p>Breseis let out a breath of relief. “<em>Finally!</em>” She smiled and started walking with us. “I don’t like you Achilles.”</p><p>“I don’t like you either.” I frowned at her.</p><p>“But, dear gods, I’m so glad your annoying arse is back. Patroclus turned into fucking Bella Swan in that second film.” <em>Huh? </em>“Just moping all day long. Honestly, it’s a little insulting. Am I not good enough company Pat?”</p><p>He winced. “Sorry.”</p><p>“Only joking.” <em>Is she more confident? </em>“But you were miserable.”</p><p>I smirked at him. “You were miserable?”</p><p>“You shouldn’t be happy about my misery. And it wasn’t because of you, school is stressful.” He shrugged awkwardly, I beamed at him and flung my arm around his shoulders.</p><p>“Ok poppet.” He smiled shyly at me. <em>He missed me too.</em></p><p>OoOoO</p><p>We had a supply teacher for English, I sat next to Patroclus as the teacher waffled on about a revision poster. Nobody was listening to her, Patroclus gave her reassuring smiles but I could tell that even he was bored.</p><p>After a while she gave up, resting her feet on the wooden desk and scrolling through her phone. Patroclus, <em>bless his heart, </em>was attempting the poster. He drew out different characters from Blood Brothers and wrote annotations by each character.</p><p>“Patroclus.”</p><p>He looked up. “Yeah?”</p><p>“We should talk about shit.”</p><p>“Really? Well I think it’s pretty disgusting. Why does Diomedes feel the need to send daily pictures of his shit to the group chat?”</p><p>I shoved him lightly, he was laughing at his own bad joke. “Not what I meant.”</p><p>He placed his pencil on the table. “I know.”</p><p>“Are you still mad at me? Even a little? Do you hold an eternal grudge?” My tone was light but I was actually scared of the answer.</p><p>He considered it and then he smiled. “No. Not even a little. Maybe I should.” He shrugged. “But I don’t. No resentment, no disdain. Nada.” He smiled shyly at me.</p><p>“Well… that’s good then.” <em>Very, very good.</em></p><p>“But you can’t just tell me what to do like that.” He pointed at me, smiling. “I simply shan’t put up with it.” <em>He’s trying to make it a joke because he’s uncomfortable, </em>I thought to myself; I decided it was better than not talking at all.</p><p>“Yeah I promise.” I paused. “I was being a brat.”</p><p>He nodded. “Good.” He gave me a brown pencil. “Now help me with Mickey’s hair.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>Nobody seemed to really care that Patroclus was spending time with us again. At dinner, they gave him curious glances but carried on with their meaningless conversation. I plopped my mash onto his plate and stole his steak.</p><p>“Thanks.” He said, smiling. He had a weird obsession with mash but didn’t like steak; I, on the other hand, loved steak.</p><p>“No problem.” I replied. I was so calm that I wanted to run around in an empty field and befriend some bees; I’d almost forgotten how he made me feel. “What’s your opinion on bees?”</p><p>“They’re misjudged. They’re just trying to do their job and humans hate them for some reason. They’re not going to hurt you unless you threaten them.” He was more angry about bees than he was about people making fun of him.</p><p>“Did you two kiss and makeup?” <em>Agamemnon is astronomically stupid.</em></p><p>“Did you manage to cut up your steak by yourself today?” I’d broken his right arm out of pure spite. “Didn’t think so.”</p><p>Patroclus snickered and Agamemnon’s nostrils flared. I glared at him. <em>Say something, I dare you. </em>He didn’t.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>“You broke his arm on purpose, didn’t you?” Patroclus looked up from his book.</p><p>I didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”</p><p>He looked down. “You made it look like you were in trouble – you made it look like self defence – and then twisted his arm until it snapped?” We were tucked up in Neverland.</p><p>“Yes.” I swallowed.</p><p>“Ok.” He went back to reading his book.</p><p>I stared at him, incredulous. “Aren’t you going to say anything? Import some of that self-righteous judgement?”</p><p>“No.” He didn’t look up.</p><p>I wouldn’t let it go. “Why not?”</p><p>He sighed. “I- I can’t.”</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“You shouldn’t have done it. It was wrong. I <em>know </em>that. Violence is wrong. You could have disarmed him easily. But…” he looked up at me, wide eyed. “I’m glad you did it.” He glanced away, fidgeting. “I wouldn’t have done it but it makes me happy that he’s hurting and I don’t care too much about the means. He’s been easier to put up with, gods I’m so selfish.” He looked down, ashamed.</p><p>I laughed. “You’re an arsehole with a conscience.”</p><p>He glared at me. “Not helping.”</p><p>“Did you really think <em>I </em>would help ease your conscience?”</p><p>He shrugged. “I guess not.” He went back to his book.</p><p><em>Ahh, he looks so miserable. </em>“Listen.” I placed my palm on his shoulder. “You’re not a bad person because you’re happy that a dickhead is hurt. He’s a dickhead.” He chuckled, shaking his head.</p><p>“He’s a person.”</p><p>“Make excuses for Agamelon again and we’re gonna have some problems.” I laid back on my elbows. “Anyway, he’s not a person. He’s a melon.”</p><p>He pushed me over. “You’re a prick.”</p><p>He was smiling, <em>yay! </em>“Yep.” I said. “But he’s a prick too.” Patroclus nodded. “Perhaps an even bigger prick than me?” I smiled at him, all teeth.</p><p>He smiled back. “You wish.”</p><p>“He made your life difficult, he got what he deserved.” I shrugged. “You’re not a bad person because you’re not agonising over a bully’s pain.”</p><p>He scrunched his face sceptically. “Maybe.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>On Saturday morning, Patroclus entered Neverland with a grin on his face.</p><p>“Why are you smiling?”</p><p>He flung himself down next to me, opening his laptop. “Have you been watching Nigella without me ‘chilles?” We’d watched an episode of that woman’s cooking show every week before Christmas, it was a tradition; of course I couldn’t bear to watch it without him.</p><p>“No.” I relied, his grin grew.</p><p>“We’ve got a day’s worth of episodes to catch up on.”</p><p>“You want to spend an entire day watch a woman making fatty foods on a show filled with sexual innuendos?” He had already opened the channel four app.</p><p>“You don’t?” He looked at me, incredulous.</p><p>I chuckled. “Of course I do.”</p><p>“Good.” He clicked on the episode we last watched.</p><p>I paused it. “Not that I care, but what’s Briseis doing?”</p><p>He raised his eyebrows, surprised that I asked. “She got a netball competition.”</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>He smiled at me. “Look at you, <em>caring.</em>”</p><p>“No, I don’t actually care, it just came into my head.”</p><p>He smiled. “Exactly.”</p><p>I frowned at him. “Just play the fucking thing.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>Everything was going well. We’d played a few football matches and that helped with Patroclus’s familiarity with the boys. He didn’t seem to be fond of any of the boys though; he preferred the girls.</p><p>We were eating dinner, one cold Wednesday evening, and Briseis was resting her head on Patroclus’s shoulder. I felt a zap of envy. I’d convinced myself that they don’t have a thing for each other, but sometimes I wondered whether this was just an illusion I’d created to ease my mind.</p><p>Briseis glared at me. “Ugh. Stop acting all jealous, it’s really annoying.”</p><p>“I’m not jealous.” I tried to sound casual.</p><p>“Yes. You are. It’s annoying and completely unnecessary.”</p><p>“You’re all over him.” I spooned mash into my mouth.</p><p>“And you’re delusional.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m asexual.”</p><p>Everyone on our table stopped eating and stared, Briseis lifted her chin and Patroclus’s eyed her worryingly. “What does that mean?” I asked.</p><p>“I’m not sexually attracted to anyone, I’m not aromatic but I don’t want a romantic relationship with Pat either. So stop with all the jealousy.” Her voice was steady as steel.</p><p>“So, kind of of like Dr. Who?” I don’t why this was the first thing that came to mind, but I rarely over-analyse my thoughts, <em>waste of time.</em></p><p>I don’t think I imagined the way her shoulders seemed to drop slightly in relief. “Yeah I guess.”</p><p>Patroclus turned to me. “You really like Dr Who, don’t you.”</p><p>I leaned into him. “Bow ties.”</p><p>He put his hand in my face and pushed me away.</p><p>Paris gawped at her. “Does this mean you have a traumatic past?”</p><p>Her shoulders squared again. “I’ve barely spoken three words to you, why on earth would you ask that?”</p><p>He seemed embarrassed but a few of the other boys just looked eager to ask their questions. I felt a sudden surge of pity for the girl.</p><p>“Can you feel love?” Diomedes looked like he had good intentions but even I knew this was a stupid one.</p><p>Patroclus gestured to the door, <em>do you want to leave? </em>Briseis shook her head and took a deep breath.</p><p>“Is the only way you can feel love through sex?” She snorted. “I hope you don’t have any pets.” Diomedes had the decency to stoop down in his chair. “Your poor grandmother.” The table snickered. <em>Damn gurl.</em></p><p>Agamemnon leaned forward in his chair, <em>he better be careful. </em>“I’m sure I can change that.”</p><p>Briseis’s face twisted in disgust. “You’re the human equivalent of an itchy jumper, why are you still here?” I choked on my water, Agamemnon’s nostrils flared.</p><p>“Hey Briseis.” Helen said sweetly. “Can I talk to you?” She was looking at her with eager eyes.</p><p>Briseis looked glad to have an excuse to leave. “Yeah sure.”</p><p>When they left the table were still talking about it, I tuned them out and started eating my food like Nigella. “And then the succulent sausage seeps into the luscious gravy. And it tastes absolutely immaculate.” I chewed it seductively causing Patroclus to laugh heartily.</p><p>He dipped his sausage in mash and moaned softly whist eating (making sure only I could hear). <em>This is a dangerous game. </em>I thought as I felt my mind betraying me with treacherous images. “Good enough to double dip.” He whispered in my ear, I shivered involuntarily.</p><p>“She does say that an awful lot.”</p><p>He nodded with his mouth full, he chewed his food obsessively.</p><p>On one hand, I was glad that he was starting to be more open with me - joke about sex and whisper innuendoes in my ear. On the other hand, a part of me was terrified by the affect this had on me. The way my stomach would flutter and my heart would beat uncomfortably fast.</p><p>Why was I so relieved that there was definitely nothing going on between Patroclus and Briseis? I was jealous about their friendship. <em>Right? </em>Maybe I did have a tiny small crush on my best friend? Probably not. I’m not gay. <em>Right? </em>It was just my hormones messing with me. <em>Right?</em></p><p>OoOoO</p><p><em>“Wanting to be somebodies friend very badly. Signs and symptoms include: getting nervous when you see them, wanting to spend lots of </em> <em>platonic time together, getting jealous when they are good friends with somebody else, stalking them on social media, if you have their number you probably make excuses to text it and fantasising about scenarios where they become your best friend.”</em></p><p>I had a friend crush on Patroclus, completely platonic. I looked it up and that’s what the urban dictionary told me. <em>Thank the gods. </em>It simply could not be anything else because I’m not gay. <em>I don’t like boys like that. </em>Sure, I’d fantasised about boys before but that’s just my mind being weird. I’ve also wondered what it would be like to fuck a mango, doesn’t mean I’m attracted to mangoes.</p><p>If I gave any real weight to most of my thoughts, I’d probably be in a mental hospital. I just let them pass through my head with detached amusement. I don’t know why this whole Patroclus thing is bugging me so much. I took an ‘am I gay’ test on buzz-feed and it said I’m not. That proved it.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>The following months slipped through my fingers like silk. Apparently, if you actually wanted good grades at an elite boarding school you had to work<em> really hard</em>. Patroclus and Briseis were two massive nerds, and they were working <em>all the time.</em></p><p>I suppose this had a good influence on me. I did more work that year than I had done, well… ever. They were always revising and their studious mood rubbed off on me.</p><p>Sure, I’d usually become distracted by some random topic that I would research for hours. Or I would make up songs and stories whilst they worked. But I put in a lot more effort than usual.</p><p>Patroclus’s focus was incredible. He could study for hours without a break, completely immersed; even if it was something he despised, he would always work through it.</p><p>I enjoyed my days. In the mornings, Patroclus and I would exercise and run about in the fields; I refused to fight him again, I didn’t want my body to betray me. I thought this decision was very sensible and Patroclus would probably be proud if I told him why I didn’t attend combat club anymore, <em>I would never tell him.</em> It was the one thought I wouldn’t share.</p><p>We spent our evenings in the library, pouring over books and assignments. I’d lie around and softly strum my guitar. I liked to watch Patroclus studying, leaning over his book with his sleeves rolled up and biting his lower lip when he was figuring something out. He had this adorable habit of poking his tongue out when he was concentrating.</p><p>Even Briseis’s presence didn’t irk me anymore. I would rather die than admit this to anyone, but I’d grown to respect her. She was fiercely stubborn and effortlessly funny; I started to realise why Patroclus liked her.</p><p>We had our final English literature GCSE exam the next day, Patroclus was freaking out. Briseis had left to sleep her full 8 hours but Patroclus was frantically reading his copy of Lord of the Flies, <em>is he trying to memorise the whole bloody thing?!</em></p><p>His face was was lit by candlelit, I could see dark circles under his eyes. “You’ll do fine.” I told him gently. We were at the back of the library because the librarian didn’t like my guitar.</p><p>He looked up, distracted. “Huh?”</p><p>I took the book out his hands, it was filled with pastel sticky notes and pencil annotations. He tried to snatch it back, I held it out off his reach. He was too tired to fight back. “You’ve read this thing a hundred times.”</p><p>“I need to read it once more.”</p><p>“You need sleep.”</p><p>He put his head in his hands. “I’m so weak.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“I’m stressed over a stupid exam.”</p><p>“It’s the second GCSE exam you’ve ever done, its normal.”</p><p>He huffed. “The state I’m in is definitely not normal. You’re not even bothered.”</p><p>“You do not want to start comparing yourself to me, poppet.”</p><p>He laughed pathetically. “That’s true.”</p><p>I looked at his sunken cheekbones and I felt my heart pang. <em>He’s not eating enough. </em>“Come with me.”</p><p>“Need to study.”</p><p>“No.” I took his arm. “You’re not stupid Patroclus, you know that you’re not going to do well if you don’t sleep. You managed to do well in the To Kill a Mockingbird exam, you’ll do great again. I see many A*s in your future, you little nerd.”</p><p>He leaned on my shoulder. “Where are we going?”</p><p>I didn’t reply as I squeezed him through the entrance to Neverland. “Need to go back to dorm.” He drawled.</p><p>“Nope.”</p><p>I placed him gently on the pillows and gave him a nut bar from our snack corner. “You’ll find the crunch of the nut almost sensuous.” I said in my best Nigella accent.</p><p>“I thought you wanted me to go to sleep, not get horny.” I chuckled. He was so much more comfortable with me now, I revelled in it.</p><p>“Just eat it.”</p><p>He flopped onto the pillows. I’d never seen him eat anything as fast as he ate that bar. I found the fluffy blanket we stored on one of the shelves. <em>Soon you’ll get to sleep near him every night, </em>I thought with a thrill.</p><p>He was already dropping off as I placed the blanket over his shoulders. He blinked slowly at me. “Will you… stay?” His sleep deprived mind wasn’t thinking straight, but how could I say no to those eyes?</p><p>“Yeah of course.” I laid down next to him. “Budge up poppet.”</p><p>He moved slowly and I climbed down next to him. I pressed my chest to his back and he let out a content little sigh. I was already over heating, <em>should have taken that blasted jumper off. </em>I didn’t want to risk waking him.</p><p>“Alarm?” He said suddenly.</p><p>“Shhh.” I discreetly set an alarm. “It’s alright. You don’t need to worry. Go to sleep poppet.”</p><p>He murmured something inaudible and was breathing deeply in a matter of minutes. I was uncomfortably warm and his elbow was digging into me at an awkward angle. I pulled him closer, resting my head in his sweet curls and fell into a serene sleep. Even my bones felt calm.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>The exam went well. It was odd doing a GCSE exam, everything was official and intense. I thought it was ridiculous, we have to do thirty more of these bastard things next year, they’re just letters on a piece of paper. <em>Why do we all care so much?</em> Of course I understood the severity of them, it just never really hit me like it seemed to weigh on everybody else.</p><p>I managed to write a solid 2 pages per essay. I messed up the Piggy essay because I ended up ranting about why it’s ok to eat some animals and not others. I think the Blood Brothers section went pretty well though. I was good at sentimental bullshit like that, I enjoyed it.</p><p>Patroclus wrote ten pages. How his hand was still attached to his arm at the end of those two hours bewildered me. Briseis wrote something ridiculous like that as well, I can’t remember how many pages she wrote though.</p><p>We planned to have a small party afterwards in Patroclus’s dorm. After the exam he ran up to me and pulled me into a hug. “Sorry for being a menace.”</p><p>“I chuckled, it’s alright Dennis.”</p><p>He looked at me. “And thanks for last night.”</p><p>I winked at him. “Anytime.”</p><p>He huffed at me, I remembered I still had to teach him how to flirt, <em>yay! </em>“I meant about the whole food and sleeping thing.”</p><p>I smiled at him. “Anytime.”</p><p>He stretched his back. “It was the best sleep I’ve had in a while.” He grinned. “No more exams.”</p><p>Unlike Briseis, we didn’t have to do our maths GCSE this year. I swung my arm around his shoulder and we started walking to the lawn. “No more exams.”</p><p>In the foyer I saw a boy in ordinary clothes. He was probably a couple years older than us, he had black skin and dark curly hair.</p><p>He tapped Patroclus on the shoulder as we walked past. Patroclus stopped and looked at him with kind, questioning eyes. I noticed with a small start that he was very attractive.</p><p>“Hey I’m looking for Patroclus Menoitiades.” He said.</p><p>“That’s, uh, that’s me.” Patroclus looked at me, confused.</p><p>The pretty boy gave us a small smile. “Hi. I’m Tobias.” Patroclus face flashed with recognition. “I’m your cousin. Do you remember?” Patroclus nodded. “I’ve got information on Aunt Mela.” Patroclus took an intake of breath. “Your mother.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Kind of a cliffhanger guys sorry...</p><p>Dear Achilles,<br/>YOUR CRUSH ON PATROCLUS IS NOT PLATONIC.<br/>Sincerely,<br/>Everyone xoxo</p><p>If you wanted some context on the Nigella thing, here’s a video I found from an old episode of gogglebox (this really popular British show where you watch people watch tv,, i love it lols).<br/>https://youtu.be/lxkIoCATjAA</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Philomela</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Billions of bilious blusterous barnacles. What the fuck? </p><p>All worries of the exam were rinsed out of my mind. “My- uh- my mother?”</p><p>Tobias, gods it’s been so long, looked at me with pitiful eyes. “Yeah.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter 2:<br/>“My mother was brilliant, she was a black women studying politics at Oxford (which was practically unheard of at the time). She was liberal, a stark contrast to my father’s conservative views.</p><p>“I’m going to change the world for you, dear Patroclus.” She told me when I was 6; I’m not entirely sure that it wasn’t a dream. I don’t know what she saw in my father and I suppose I’ll never find out: she left us both for an American women named Airlia when I was seven.”</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p><p><em>Billions of bilious blusterous barnacles. What the fuck?</em> </p><p>All worries of the exam were rinsed out of my mind. “My- uh- my mother?”</p><p>Tobias,<em> gods it’s been so long, </em>looked at me with pitiful eyes. “Yeah.”</p><p>Achilles’s arm was still on my shoulder; which would’ve been quite distracting if I didn’t feel like my heart had exploded. Tobias seemed to notice him for the first time. “Hi.”</p><p>Achilles’s arm dropped from my shoulders. “Hey. So you’re poppet’s cousin?” He smiled at him.</p><p>Tobias raised his eyebrows at the nickname. “Yeah.” He looked at me, amused. “Is this your boyfriend Pat?” My mouth went dry.</p><p>“Ummm, no.” I felt myself blushing, <em>I need to learn how to control this blushing problem.</em></p><p>Achilles was looking a little flustered himself. “I’m his-”</p><p>“Achilles.” I said without thinking.</p><p>Achilles turned towards me. “I’m your Achilles?” He nudged my side playfully.</p><p>I looked at Tobias. “Sorry for that. This is Achilles. My friend.”</p><p>“<em>Best </em>friend.” Achilles added.</p><p>I shot him an annoyed look, but my insides bubbled pleasantly. Tobias shook his head fondly. “This is cute but I kinda need to talk to you.” And just like that, my demeanour soured; nerves alight with worry.</p><p>“Right, yeah ok.”</p><p>“It’s kind of private.” He was looking at Achilles apologetically.</p><p>I saw Achilles’s jaw clench. “Oh right, yeah, I can go.”</p><p>“Don’t be silly.” The corner of his lip tugged up. “Achilles can hear it.”</p><p>“But you don’t know what it is. Are you sure?”</p><p>“Yes.” I said with absolute sincerity.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>There was a party in my dorm but Achilles’s dorm was empty. We sat on the floor, I played with the sleeve of my jumper absentmindedly. Achilles squeezed my shoulder in support and I was overwhelmingly glad he was there, whatever the news may be.</p><p>Tobias released a long sigh. “There’s no easy way to say this.” I froze. “But your mother’s dead.”</p><p>I blinked, <em>what? </em></p><p>Achilles wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close. “Wuh-” I cleared my throat, I hadn’t seemed to process his words. “What do you mean?”</p><p>Tobias avoided my eyes. “She’s dead. She’s been dead for four years.”</p><p>Achilles’s scent seemed to be suffocating me, I pushed him away; if he was hurt, he didn’t show it. “How do you- what?” I blinked.</p><p>“We’re moving house. I was looking through the attic, I found a load of your mum’s things.” He was speaking fast, as if trying to finish the story as fast as possible. “I pestered my mother about it, but she wouldn’t tell me anything. A few nights ago she was drunk and talkative, I asked her again, I asked what happened to aunt Mela.”</p><p>He closed his eyes. “She told me everything, all at once. Just before aunt Mela left she was diagnosed with,” he paused, trying to remember, “chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. I’m not really sure what that is, mum was slurring her words. She had around five years to live.”</p><p>“No.” I shook my head. “She left for a woman, Airlia.” My brain couldn’t grasp it.</p><p><em>“</em>That woman was her nurse. I don’t know if there was anything romantic between them.”</p><p>“But-” I found myself unable to speak, it was if there were lumps of coal in my throat.</p><p>“Why did she leave?” Achilles asked softly.</p><p>“My mum said that she left because she didn’t want to be a burden. That it would be better for both of you if she left. She travelled travelled the world and you didn’t have to deal with an ill mother.”</p><p>It crashed down upon me like a sudden collapse of clarity. My mother was dead. My mother had been dead for four years. My mother had been sick. My mother had left because she was sick. My mother didn’t want to be a burden.</p><p>My mother was dead.</p><p>I felt my eyes prick painfully, I couldn’t cry; I just <em>couldn’t. </em>This boy on front of me was a stranger. We’d shared secrets and chocolates when I was five, but now we shared nothing except the morbid loyalty of family.</p><p>I remembered what it was like when my father would hurt me, I learned how to hold back tears; to try and appear strong. I took a long breath and shook my thoughts. <em>I barely knew her. </em>I looked to Achilles, <em>speak for me? </em>My eyes were pleading.</p><p>“Why didn’t she come to visit?” His voice was stern. <em>I barely knew her. </em>“Why didn’t she tell him?” There was hesitant anger laced in the urgency of his words.</p><p>Tobias ran his hand through his hair, thick and curly like mine. “I haven’t got a clue mate, sorry.”</p><p>I felt a little dizzy, I reached for Achilles. He clutched me close again and this time his scent was comforting. “How is he only finding out now?”</p><p>“Your dad didn’t know Pat, he heard the same story as you. Everyone did, except my mum. They were very close, <em>before.</em>” <em>I barely knew her. </em>“She was the only one contacted after it happened. I think my mum sort went onto shock, into denial. She locked all aunt Mela’s things in the attic, never told a soul. Not even dad. I think she convinced herself it didn’t happen.”</p><p>“Why are you here?” Achilles voice was stern.</p><p>“It felt like the decent thing to do.” Tobias shrugged. “You should know what happened to your mother.” He was looking at me, I clenched my jaw and blackened my mind, <em>do not think. </em>“Also, I found a letter.”</p><p>I swallowed. “A letter?” My voice cracked. <em>I barely knew her, and she’s dead. </em></p><p>He reached into a bag and pulled put a letter with my name on the front. I reached for it with shaking hands. I stared at it. My hands were sweaty so I passed it to Achilles. “Thank you.” I said quietly to Tobias.</p><p>
  <em>I barely knew her, and I never will.</em>
</p><p>His eyes widened in pity, I hated it. “No worries.”</p><p>We sat in silence for a while, I could hear music and laughing from my room. Bitterness clung to the lining of my chest at their happiness. I forced it away, it wasn’t their fault; it wasn’t anybody’s fault.</p><p>“Right.” Tobias pulled his coat on and picked up his bag. “I’ll be off then.”</p><p>I stared at him. “You can stay if you want. Achilles’s father is headmaster, we could find you a room.”</p><p>Tobias smiled kindly. “Thank you, really, but I have to get back. Mum doesn’t know where I am.” He placed his backpack over one shoulder. “I’m nearly seventeen but she treats me like I’m seven.” He chuckled fondly. “I’d, um, like to see you again.”</p><p>My mind was muddled and confused, it was almost as if he didn’t speak. Achilles stood up and approached him. “He’d love that.” He put his phone in Tobias’s hand. “What’s your number?”</p><p>Tobias typed it in and made his way to leave. Right before he left, I called, “Tobias?”</p><p>He looked back. “Yeah?”</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>I found myself clutching Achilles, I hoped my grip wasn’t hurting him. “I-I think i’m gonna open the letter.”</p><p>He searched my eyes, “do you want me to leave?”</p><p>“Don’t be a donut. Of course I don’t.”</p><p>He smiled shyly. I took a deep breath and… somebody opened the door? <em>Huh?</em> There were two figures grappling each other and laughing. <em>Odysseus and Penelope?! </em>Odysseus pinned Penelope against the wall, I looked to Achilles in desperation.</p><p>He grabbed my arm and hauled me up. He sent them daggers as we left but they didn’t seem to notice. “Can’t wait until we get our own room.” He muttered to himself.</p><p>My balance was failing and my vision was blurry as we made our way down the corridor. “Neverland, yeah?” Achilles asked softly. I nodded.</p><p>There was a group of girls in front of us. “Hey Achilles. Hey Patroclus.” It was Deidameia, I didn’t know her very well. “Aren’t you going to the party?” She was smiling a fox’s smile at Achilles.</p><p>Achilles was eager to leave, he was probably going to say something rude. I mustered up all my strength. “We’re not really in my mood.” I was surprised at how steady my voice sounded.</p><p>“Oh. Ok. See you around.” She left with a kind wave, already starting a new conversation with one of her friends.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>We were walking down one of Phthia’s large marble corridors. “Do you want to get Briseis?”</p><p>I was staring straight ahead, this was the first time we’d spoken on the long walk. “No, thank you.” I didn’t want to worry her and I didn’t want anybody else to see me in this state; I don’t know why it felt different with Achilles but I didn’t feel an inkling of embarrassment.</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>I stumbled and he grabbed my hand to support me, squeezing gently.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>
  
</p><p>“She’s very dramatic, isn’t she.” Achilles stated, frowning at the letter.</p><p>I wiped my eyes. “I guess.” It was all <em>too much. </em></p><p>Achilles was failing to conceal his anger. “Why didn’t she tell you? Confuse you my arse. As if waking up one morning to find out your mother had left you for a lover wouldn’t confuse you.” He clenched his fists. “And leaving you with <em>him. </em>How could she?” He looked over to see my bloodshot eyes and deflated so quickly it was almost comical. “Sorry.”</p><p>I tried to chuckle but it sounded more like a cough. “It’s fine.” <em>Weirdly sweet. </em>“I didn’t know her. Well, she raised me but that was so long ago. I can’t-” my breath stuttered, “I can’t even remember what she looked like.”</p><p>He pulled me into a close embrace, I rested my head on his shoulder. “Our fuck toxic masculinity pact also includes talking, tell me everything.”</p><p>I took a deep breath. “It feels like a ghost has died. She may as well have been dead for the past 7 years but I suppose I always hoped that-” I dug my fingernails into his back, “I hoped that I’d get to see her again.” I felt a tear fall onto his shirt.</p><p>“I’ve got you.” His words eased the tension in my heart a little.</p><p>“When I was little, I used to make up stories in my head, she’d always come back for me. <em>It was a mistake Patroclus, </em>she’d tell me how she had no choice, that she had been forced to leave somehow. As I got older, I started to think about her less, but the hope was always there.”</p><p>He was rubbing my back. “And this hurts, but at the same time I feel sort of… relieved.”</p><p>“What do you mean?” He asked softly.</p><p>“It’s nice to know the truth, even if the truth is horrid. No more scepticism you know? It feels as if I’m mourning what could have been.”</p><p>“But…” he pressed.</p><p>“But I miss her really bad.” Suddenly the tears wouldn’t stop falling, my chest was shaking uncontrollably. “She love- loved me.” I muttered.</p><p>“Dearly.”</p><p>There was snot running down my face and my eyes burned. I stayed that way for a long time and it felt as the world had caved in slightly, as if everything had shifted and stalled. But I felt safe; comfortable, even.</p><p>“Are you crying?” I felt dampness on my jumper.</p><p>Achilles sniffed. “Yeah.”</p><p>“Why?” I asked him.</p><p>“Because you’re crying.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>We stayed there all night, Achilles tucked the letter safely on a bookshelf. The following weeks stretched like blue tac. Every day felt like a week as everyone lazed around in the sun.</p><p>Practically, nothing had changed in my life. My mother hadn’t been in my life before, and she wasn’t now; she never would be. However, I wallowed in an inescapable well of melancholy.</p><p>The last few months before summer were easy, so I didn’t have to worry about school work. I sort of wished that my workload was heavy though, it would be something to distract me. I was constantly thinking about my mother or Achilles.</p><p>My feelings for him were growing uncontrollably. They seemed to wrap around me like vines, slithering under skin and squeezing my organs. <em>How long, </em>I wondered, <em>until they suffocated me. </em></p><p>Out of everyone in the world I just <em>had </em>to have a crush on that beautiful bastard.</p><p>As much as I wanted to escape <em>them</em>, I couldn’t escape <em>him</em>; I didn’t want to. When I needed to cry, he would always me there. He’d always ended up crying too which was oddly comforting. It was if I really was sharing my pain.</p><p>Grieving for something that could have been was an odd feeling. Part of me thanked my mother for leaving, <em>how much worse, </em>I thought, <em>would this feel if I actually knew her? </em>Another part of me despised her. <em>At least I would have had someone to mourn. </em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ahh guys I know this one is sad but I’ve had this arc in my mind for a while and I really wanted to write it. I hope I managed to convey Patroclus’s feelings with care. My nan and I have always thought Patroclus’s mother probably had mental health problems in the book and I wanted to explore my own version of that on here.</p><p>I guess I can add hurt/comfort to the tags now. </p><p>If this sort of thing isn’t your jam, there’ll be quite a lot of drama and Achilles/Patroclus tension next chapter. </p><p>Have a lovely day/night dears &lt;3&lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Fancy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“So I lean in?” I asked Achilles.<br/>“Yeah.” He said, trying not to laugh. I turned towards him from where we were sitting.<br/>“Compliments?”<br/>He bit his cheek, looking at me with mischief in his eyes. “Yeah.” It sounded like a challenge.<br/>“I like your hair.” I smiled awkwardly at him.<br/>“You can do better than that.”</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p><p>Achilles had an idea.</p><p>“I looked your mum up on the internet.” I placed my book on my lap, we were sitting in Neverland.</p><p>“Why?” I didn’t try to hide the uncertainty in my voice.</p><p>He smiled kindly at me. “For this.” He pulled his phone out his pocket and opened safari.</p><p>“Is it cannibalism if I chew my lip?” I smiled at his search history.</p><p>“Different tab.” He clicked on a photo of my mother. She’d just graduated Oxford, wearing a cap and gown and smiling widely at the camera as confetti clung to her braids. “This was the only one I could find where she was smiling.”</p><p>I swallowed. “Why did you do that?”</p><p>“I thought you could draw her?” He scoured through his bag and pulled out a sketch pad and pencils. “I went to see you art teacher, she said these were the best quality stuff we have.”</p><p>I felt a sudden surge of adoration for him. “That’s… that sounds nice, yeah.”</p><p>Achilles smiled excitedly. “We can hide it here over the summer and put it up in our room in September.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>I was proud of the drawing, I’d never put so much effort into one piece of work. It was therapeutic to completely immerse myself in the curve of her smile or how the light hit her cheekbones. I wouldn’t be able to forget her face again, I felt like I was solidifying her in time.</p><p>It aided me through my grief. I’d spend hours obsessing over colours and angles whilst Achilles strummed his guitar or Briseis chanted Spanish verbs to herself like a prayer.</p><p>The weight on my heart was easing. Briseis was always there to distract me or listen to me rant about things we didn’t care about. Achilles and I would talk about it for hours at a time. It helped me sort through the scramble of my feelings; like slowly learning to loosen a sailor’s knot, the rope never disappeared but the tension dissolved.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>Briseis and I were swimming, one Saturday afternoon. There was a glass wall separating the pool from a school lounge. Students were chatting on blue beanbags and plump yellow sofas.</p><p>Briseis was on the swim team, fastest in the year. We liked to swim for a few hours every now and again when Achilles had a harp lesson.</p><p>I was panting as I clung to the the slippery tiles. “Break.” I muttered to Briseis, pulling my goggles off.</p><p>Briseis chuckled, not out of breath at all. “Ok.” She ripped her goggles off and dunked her head under the water. “I need to tell you something.”</p><p>My heartbeat was slowing. “Yeah of course.”</p><p>“You know I’ve been spending a lot of time with Helen lately.” She was avoiding my eyes.</p><p>I thought of how close the two had become in the past month, always chattering quietly to each other. “Yeah…”</p><p>“She’s ace too, she said I’m allowed to tell you that. She likes you.”</p><p>It wasn’t like Briseis to steer from the subject. “I like her too?” I chuckled softly. “That’s brilliant. The girl the boys always talk about shagging,” Briseis gags, I nod at her, “doesn’t want to shag any of them.”</p><p>She laughed. “Yep.”</p><p>“It must be nice to talk to her, talking to someone who feels this same way as you.”</p><p>“Yeah.” She smiled to herself. “She’s lovely.” She paused. “I think I like her.”</p><p>“Wait you mean…?”</p><p>“I want her to be my girlfriend.” She looked up at me.</p><p>I grinned. “Ahhh, Bri that’s wonderful.” I shook her shoulders excitedly.</p><p>She tried to suppress her grin at my outburst. “I don’t know if she likes me though.” Her eyes were wide, vulnerable.</p><p>“She’d be an idiot not to like you. You’re amazing.” She shoved me playfully. “You two would be so cute.”</p><p>She shook her head. “Oh my gods, calm down.”</p><p>“Nope.”</p><p>“Race you.” She shot off before I could argue.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>“So I lean in?” I asked Achilles.</p><p>“Yeah.” He said, trying not to laugh. I turned towards him from where we were sitting.</p><p>“Compliments?”</p><p>He bit his cheek, looking at me with mischief in his eyes. “Yeah.” It sounded like a challenge.</p><p>“I like your hair.” I smiled awkwardly at him.</p><p>“You can do better than that.”</p><p>“Casual touches?” I knew this little game of ours was a bad idea, but I couldn’t help it; I couldn’t resist.</p><p>He nodded. I brought my hand hesitantly to his shoulder.</p><p>Achilles sighed. “It has to look like you weren’t thinking about it.”</p><p>I removed my hand and looked at him, confused.</p><p>“This is too mechanical. You shouldn’t be going through steps in your head, it should feel natural.”</p><p>“Well, it’s not, is it? We’re in our school library and i’m not actually flirting with you.” <em>I’m scared of what could happen if I’m not careful.</em></p><p>He frowned. “No we’re not.”</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“We’re sitting at the back of a party, and I’m just a hot boy you’ve never met before.”</p><p>I stared at him, amused. “How is that going to work?”</p><p>“You’re overthinking it again.”</p><p><em>Right, I can do this. </em>“Hi, I’m Patroclus.” I held out my hand, he burst out laughing.</p><p>I pouted at him. “Oi.”</p><p>“Sorry, sorry.” He said, chuckling. “Don’t hold your hand out, <em>I </em>think it’s sweet but it’s a bit too formal.”</p><p>I cringed. “This is a bad idea.” </p><p>“Ok.” He stood up. “I’m going to leave and then come back in. We’ve never met before. I’m going to flirt with you and you have to try and flirt back, ok?”</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>He left for a few seconds and walked back in again. I stifled a laugh at the fact that he’d rolled up his shirt sleeves and messed up his hair. I took a deep breath. “Hi.” I said, smiling.</p><p>“Hey. I’m Achilles.” He sat next to me.</p><p>“Patroclus.”</p><p>“Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?” He pressed his lips together, trying not to laugh.</p><p>“School?” We turned to face each other. “How about you?” I avoided his gaze, trying not to groan over how bizarre this was.</p><p>“Well for me, being sexy is a full time job.” I put my hand over my mouth, <em>don’t laugh, do not laugh!</em></p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>He broke character for second to shake his head at me. “Are you a bank loan?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Because you’ve got my interest.”</p><p>“Bad pick up lines? Really Achilles?”</p><p>He shrugged. “Are they working?”</p><p><em>Maybe. </em>“No.”</p><p>He sighed. “You’re supposed to say yes.” He raised his chin in determination. “I think something’s wrong with my eyes, because I can’t take them off you.”</p><p><em>You can do this Patroclus. </em>“You’re so beautiful you made me forget my pickup line.” <em>This shouldn’t be too difficult, </em>I thought to myself, <em>because</em> <em>unlike Achilles, you actually fancy the boy you’re talking to.</em></p><p>Achilles’s eyes widened, he smiled to himself, resting his arm on my shoulder. “I think you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” I swallowed at the sincerity in his eyes. <em>He’s a bloody good actor. </em>My heart was beating so rapidly I was worried it would burst out of my chest.</p><p>We weren’t laughing anymore.</p><p>“That’s very forward of you.”</p><p>“I’m a very daring person.” He smirked at me. “You wanna know what I think?” He leaned in close, whispering softly in my ear.</p><p>“What?” <em>Very bad idea.</em></p><p>“I think you want to kiss me.”</p><p>I sucked in a breath and looked at him. My gaze flickered to his lips and then back to his smiling eyes and back to those infuriatingly rosy lips, slightly chapped from how much he bit them. I’d never seen anything so appealing in my life.</p><p>I leaned into him, so close our noses were nearly touching and I could feel his shallow breath on my cheek. “So what if I do?”</p><p>His eyes widened in fright. I had the upper hand now, it was a strange feeling but I found myself enjoying it. “I-” he swallowed.</p><p>I brought my thumb to his cheek, mapping his face onto my mind. “Would you oppose?” I could feel my heartbeat in my ears.</p><p>My hand ran over his biceps, I felt the heat of his skin as the pads of my hand fluttered over his pale neck. “Nuh.”</p><p>My hand slithered to his hair. <em>Oh how I’ve longed for this. </em>The soft waves fell though my fingers like satin on a summer day. There was no resistance as I pressed our foreheads together. “Do you want me to kiss you?”</p><p>He stroked my cheek, it took all my willpower no to close the space between us. <em>This isn’t real. </em>He looked confused and scared as he muttered: “Yes.” <em>This isn’t real.</em></p><p>I jumped away from him, my demeanour shattering. <em>Stupid, stupid idea. </em>Every nerve was alight and my whole body hummed from his touch, I told my body to shut up.</p><p>We sat staring at each other for a few seconds, our chests heaving. Achilles lip trembled slightly as he looked at me. “Umm yes. That was better.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I was definitely, umm, charmed. Bye.” He ran away before I had the chance to ask where he was going.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck, fuck, fuck!</em>
</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>“I have a girlfriend.” I stopped towelling my hair to stare at him.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Achilles leaned back on the sofa, Briseis and Helen were slurping smoothies in the corner; we’d just gone swimming. “I have a girlfriend.” He said again, I felt my heart sink.</p><p>“Who?” I tried to sound nonchalant and resumed drying my hair with a towel.</p><p>“Deidameia.” He rested the side of his head on his hand to look at me.</p><p>“When?” <em>Do I sound like I care too much?</em></p><p>“Literally just now. I was watching you swim and you know how I keep staying I should get a girlfriend? Well I saw Deidameia and decided to ask her.” He was tapping a rhythm on his knee, completely unfazed; his lack of excitement calmed me down a bit.</p><p><em>He’s not yours, Patroclus.</em> </p><p>I took a deep breath. “How did you ask?”</p><p>“I walked up to her, she was talking to Penelope and I said “hey,” and she said “hey,” and I said “do you wanna be my girlfriend?” And she said, “sure.” And that was that.”</p><p>“That’s terribly romantic.” <em>Make a bad joke, ease the tension he doesn’t even feel.</em></p><p>Achilles threw a pillow at me. “We’re 15 poppet, most things don’t happen like they do in books.”</p><p>“I know that.” I rolled my eyes at him. “I didn’t know you liked Deidameia?” I pouted at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Sure, I didn’t tell Achilles who I fancied, but seeing as I fancied him, the situation was a tad more complicated.</p><p>“I don’t. Well, didn’t. I suppose I have to now.”</p><p>“You didn’t have a crush on her?”</p><p>He took a bite out of an apple, I looked away, <em>HOT! </em>I shook the thought away. <em>Maybe you need a girlfriend/boyfriend Patroclus? </em>“I’ve never really thought about her like that, I’ve never thought about her <em>at all</em> actually.” I sighed, <em>poor girl, I am so jealous of you. </em>“But she <em>is</em> pretty, isn’t she?”</p><p>He was looking at me for approval, I was becoming far too good at concealing my feelings. <em>They probably won’t last long anyways. </em>“Yeah, but do you <em>like her? </em> Like… as a person?”</p><p>Achilles shifted his position and lay down on the sofa, resting his feet on my lap. “I’ve got no reason <em>not</em> to like her.” His shirt was riding up so I pulled it down, he raised his eyebrows, amused. “Do you like her?”</p><p>I wondered what would happen if I told him no. <em>Maybe he’d break up with her. </em>I wanted to spit obscenities about her, I was eager to spout nonsense about how she was a terrible person. But I realised, with a lurch, that even if he did break up with her, there would be others.</p><p>He didn’t want me like I wanted him. If I couldn’t get over my stupid feelings, I had to learn to accept them; to stop them from suffocating me. I was his friend first, <em>always. </em>We didn’t lie to each other, I couldn’t. “She seems lovely.” I told him even though every fibre of being being protested.</p><p>He closed his eyes. “That’s that then.” He smiled, satisfied.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>My clothes were caked with mud and my muscles burned as we strolled to the changing rooms. The boys were cheering loudly in high spirits. They kept hitting me on the back in excitement. We’d won the last game of the season, coming top of the league.</p><p>We wouldn’t have been able to do it without Achilles, he was like a hurricane on the pitch, goal after goal after goal. Mostly, I was glad it was over. I enjoyed playing football, the ground hitting my feet and the wind screaming in my ears; but I dreaded these games.</p><p>The boys took it so seriously, I was terrified of messing up. They liked me more now, but I didn’t really care. When I first joined the school, I trained with Achilles because I thought it would make people like me more, <em>pathetic, I know. </em>Now I trained with Achilles because it was fun.</p><p>They were chanting loudly, deep voices rung though the tiles. The mood was spreading like a disease, Achilles and I were grinning widely at each other. “Remember that time when I was mean to that boy and you had a go at me.”</p><p>I chuckled. “Yeah.” It was to imagine being that angry at him now, I even found his annoying traits endearing, <em>you’re in too deep.</em></p><p>“You insulted me and I punched you in the face.” We sat next to each other, taking off our football boots.</p><p>“You deserved to be insulted.” I shoved him with my shoulder.</p><p>“That was when I realised how much I liked you.”</p><p>I raised my eyebrows at him. “Is that why you punched me in the face?”</p><p>He pursed his lips. “Yes.”</p><p>I shook my head and started to change into clean clothes. Most of the boys showered in the changing rooms but I wasn’t really comfortable with it. The boys walked around with their dicks out, smacking each other’s arses. It’s extremely gay for somewhere so homophobic.</p><p>I’d shower privately in the building later. Achilles didn’t shower there either as a weird form of solidarity. Maybe I could have handled showering with the other boys but Achilles… my gay little heart couldn’t take that.</p><p>Achilles was staring as I pulled a top over my head, he was <em>always </em>staring. He probably didn’t think twice about it because it wasn’t weird to him. I asked him once, “why do you always watch me when I change?”</p><p>“‘Cause I think you’re hot.” I was rendered speechless as he tied his shoelaces. He wouldn’t have said it so easily if it meant anything, <em>right? </em>He was probably making a stupid joke, <em>no big deal.</em></p><p>I needed to stop overthinking everything, I was scared that I needed him to want me so bad that I would convince myself of an attraction that didn’t exist; our friendship was the most important thing in the world to me, I couldn’t fuck it up.</p><p>“I don’t think I’m gonna join the team next year.”</p><p>He looked disappointed but not surprised. “You gonna try something new? Rugby? I love rugby.” He was on so many sport teams.</p><p>“Maybe.” We started walking back to our dorms. “You know it’s kinda funny.”</p><p>He glanced at me. “What is?”</p><p>“I joined the team because I wanted those boys to like me so much I didn’t even consider that I might not like <em>them</em>.”</p><p>Achilles laughed heartily. “You? Poppet, friend to everyone, doesn’t like a whole group of boys?”</p><p>“I like some of them, Hector’s alright, I’m just not looking for their approval anymore.’</p><p>He ruffled my hair. “I’m glad.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>The older years had left because they’d finished their exams, this meant all their dorms were free. There was a party tonight to celebrate the end of school. The teachers probably knew about it, but they pretended they didn’t.</p><p>“Are we still going tonight?” Achilles asked me over dinner.</p><p>I was feeling better about my mother but some days I would experience unexpected stretches of sadness; today was one of those days. “I’m not really in the mood.”</p><p>Achilles didn’t seem to mind. “That’s ok, the dorms will be free so we can watch a film or something.” <em>Ooo yay. </em></p><p>“You’re not going to the party?” Deidameia asked. She hadn’t actually impacted me much, Achilles never spent any alone time with her because I was always with them. She didn’t seem annoyed about it but I wondered if she was just pretending.</p><p>I couldn’t hate her, she was quick to anger but her rants and stubbornness amused me. She always wore her hair in two long auburn braids and her pointy chin was drooping with disappointment.<em> Don’t be selfish Patroclus. </em>“Achilles, you should go.”</p><p>He looked at me. “What? Why?”</p><p>“I just want to be alone.” He deflated but didn’t question me about it.</p><p>“Alright, I guess I’ll be there Meia.”</p><p>Her eyes lit up and I told myself I’d made the right decision. <em>He’s not yours. </em>I thought. <em>Even if you want him to be.</em></p><p>OoOoO</p><p>It was around 2am when I heard my phone ping.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p><em>Fuck, fuck, fuck! </em>I was breathing shallowly and couldn’t calm down, I was glad nobody else was in the room as I felt the world collide in on me.</p><p>
  
</p><p><em>I think I’m having a panic attack.</em> </p><p>
  
</p><p>I was too warm, I was too cold, there were tears streaming down my face. I scrambled out of my blanket and stared at the blurry screen. <em>Get it together Patroclus! He’s not yours!</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>I thought of how I told him it was a good idea and smothered my face in the pillow. If I’d told him not to, this wouldn’t be happening right now. Perhaps if I’d gone to the party this wouldn’t have happened. I wish I’d lied, I wish I’d kept him to myself for as long as he’d let me.</p><p>I hated what I’d said. I hated what I felt. I hated what I felt <em>for him</em>. I felt disgusting, <em>this is wrong, he doesn’t like you! </em>I hated my mother and I hated Achilles and I hated myself.</p><p>My thoughts were a whirl of incomprehensible worries as I cried into my pillow that cold, summer night.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ahhh Patroclus my poor bby, it will get better soon, darling I swear. </p><p>My friend is honesty the best for helping me with these messages, lots of love to you&lt;3&lt;3&lt;3 </p><p>Those messages though...</p><p>Have a lovely day/night guys, gals and non binary pals :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Dark Stubble on his Cheeks</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Three things I’d recently realised:<br/>I was bisexual,<br/>I had a crush on Patroclus,<br/>Patroclus didn’t have a crush on me.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is mostly Achilles being confused and swimming in chaos. </p><p>Ps. This gets pretty spicy. There’s a scene where Achilles tells Patroclus what it was like to have sex with Deidameia, and we all know achilles has no filter. If that isn’t your thing, leave a comment and I’ll summarise.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Achilles:</strong>
</p><p>I had a crush on Patroclus.</p><p>Who saw this coming? I had a big fat crush on my best friend.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck, fuck, fuck! </em>
</p><p><em>It’s fine Achilles, </em>I told myself, <em>just a silly little crush. Well, not little. </em>This also meant I was attracted to boys.</p><p>I don’t know why it took me that long to figure out, but it’s undeniable. I suppose it was easy to realise I was attracted to girls and go along with what everyone expected of me.</p><p>Three things I’d recently realised:</p>
<ol>
<li>I was bisexual,</li>
<li>I had a crush on Patroclus,</li>
<li>Patroclus didn’t have a crush on me.</li>
</ol><p>
  <em>“I think you want to kiss me.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He turned towards me, I felt my heartbeat in my fingertips. “So what if I do?”</em>
</p><p>I had never felt as confused or turned on than I did when he said that. I wanted to kiss him, to hold him close and never let him go. I thought <em>maybe</em>…</p><p>I thought maybe he was going to kiss me, I wanted him to; <em>gods, how I wanted it. </em>But he pulled away. He didn’t kiss me. He could have, but he didn’t <em>want </em>to.</p><p>I suppose a part of me always knew. It’s not normal to think about your best friend the way I thought about Patroclus. I told myself it was just another one of my eccentricities and forced myself to believe it.</p><p>I was fine believing it too. I wish I hadn’t realised this… attraction? It felt as though my heart had been split, tendons sliced through; an aching hole, impossible to fill.</p><p><em>It’s not a big deal, </em>I thought to myself. I’ll be able to control it, and sooner or later it would inevitably go away.</p><p><em>Maybe I should tell him? </em>But I couldn’t, I just couldn’t! What if it freaked him out? What if he didn’t want to spend time with me anymore? Our friendship was the most important thing in my life, I couldn’t risk losing it. It wasn’t worth it.</p><p>I would have to keep it to myself. And sooner or later I would grow out of it, I was sure of it.</p><p>I found a girlfriend. I had sex!! This was a good thing, Deidameia would help me get over him. She was feisty, I liked her and Patroclus liked her too. This would work.</p><p>It was probably just a physical thing. If he was <em>anyone </em>else, I would have asked if he wanted to shag. I would’ve been able to get it out of my system; but this was <em>patroclus! </em>I couldn’t risk our friendship over my stupid fucking feelings.</p><p>Once I was over it, I would tell him; we’d laugh about it.</p><p>I was sure of it.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>Patroclus and I were lying on the grass the morning after the party. His eyes are red rimmed and his movements were groggy, he was probably up all night thinking about his mother. I felt a stab of guilt, <em>I should’ve been there.</em></p><p>We’d been playing one on one footie for a while, but our movements were slow and lazy. Sex is a killer workout. I poked him. “Patroclus?”</p><p>He turned to look at me with those beautiful doe eyes, large and innocent, drooping slightly on each side. Perfect. <em>Stop obsessing over his eyes. </em>“Yeah?” He drawled.</p><p>I rested my head on my hand. “Can I talk about last night please?” I was bursting to tell him everything.</p><p>He sighed. “Why? You had sex, I get it.”</p><p>“Don’t be stroppy.” <em>Is he jealous? Is it because I had sex and he didn’t? </em>“We tell each other everything.”</p><p>He shook his head, as if to clear a thought. “True.”</p><p>“Don’t you wanna know what it’s like? People make such a big deal about it, aren’t you curious?”</p><p>He sighed. “I guess.”</p><p>I pouted at him. “Why aren’t you happy for me?”</p><p>I knew he was shyer than I was about these things, but he’d grown so much more comfortable with me this year. “I am.” He shifted awkwardly. “Sorry.”</p><p>“Is it your mother?” I cringed at the thought, <em>how could you be so inconsiderate?</em></p><p>He shook his head again. “No. Just tired.” I narrowed my eyes at him skeptically. “Go on, tell me everything. I want to know.”</p><p>This was all the encouragement I needed. “Eeek ok.”</p><p>I made a mental note to refrain from telling him how I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I wouldn’t tell him how thoughts of his muscles, tense when he ran, helped me get hard, despite my nerves. I couldn’t tell him about how the way we grappled at each other that day in the gym, flashed through my mind. I wouldn’t tell him how the look on his face when I started grinding on him haunted my mind as I came. </p><p>I was glad I didn’t scream out his name, that would’ve led to a lot of uncomfortable questions. </p><p>“So the party was pretty boring without you.” There was a small smile dancing on his lips. “But it was alright I guess. We had a bit to drink, but not much. We kissed a bit, danced a bit... There were hundreds of rooms free, everyone seemed to be pairing off and finding one of them.”</p><p>“Well, Briseis and Helen danced a bit and then sat in the corner doing crossword puzzles which was quite sweet, I didn’t really notice anyone else.” He rolled his eyes, his features softened at the mention of Briseis, as I knew they would.</p><p>“We didn’t talk much but we danced a lot. We kept getting closer and closer, stealing kisses every now and then.” His jaw clenched and he shut his eyes, I could tell he was still listening though. “We were sort of grinding on each other and she seemed really into it, which isn’t surprising, I mean… look at me.”</p><p>He opened his eyes and stared straight at me, no emotion on his face as he closed his eyes again. <em>Right I forgot, you’re the stupid exception. </em>My heart felt shallow but I kept talking. “And then I think she was horny ‘cause she said “wanna get out of here?” And I did – wanna get out of there, – so we found an empty room.”</p><p>“Were you nervous?” He asked, breaking his silence.</p><p>“Yeah.” I told him. “She asked me if I wanted to have sex as soon as we shut the door. I was a little scared, but I wanted to.” I wouldn’t have dreamed of telling this to anybody else. “So we sort of just took our clothes off.”</p><p>Patroclus swallowed, I watched his Adam’s apple bob, it was a whole production. “Was she a virgin too?”</p><p>“Yeah. Which was both good and bad. We were both new and awkward but she didn’t know what she was doing either. I’d never seen a girl naked before, so that was fun. There was a bit of foreplay, well at least, <em>I tried </em>to do foreplay<em>, </em>but I was pretty terrible at it.”</p><p>“I’m sure you weren’t terrible.” He said, which seemed to surprise both me and him, causing him to fling an arm over his eyes. “Carry on.”</p><p>“I was pretty turned on at this point but I’m not ready for a little brat. I wasn’t expecting it to move this fast, so I didn’t have a condom, but Meia did, bless her.”</p><p>“Condoms are really weird poppet. They feel like… well, they feel like rubber on your dick.” He chuckled sheepishly.</p><p>“I was terrified I hadn’t put it on right. This made me realise how terrible school’s sex ed is, I had no idea what I was doing. Anyway, after that, I sort of just went in? The hole was a lot lower than I was expecting honestly.” He cringed slightly, trying to hide his discomfort, I didn’t know why. “Wanna know what it felt like?”</p><p>He nodded reluctantly. I laid back on my elbows and tried to remember the sensation. “It was wet, which isn’t surprising but what did surprise me was the heat, I mean, I’m not sure what I was expecting but it was just so hot; like a really hot bath.” I let out a breath at the thought and I saw Patroclus blush<em>. </em></p><p>“Once I slid in it surrounded me, smooth as silk.” I closed my eyes and formed the words without thinking. “Then I started thrusting,” I let out a soft groan in excitement, “there was a slight resistance because it seemed to seal around me. And when I was pulling out there was this slight suction.”</p><p>“But the best thing is the way it squeezed, it was like a hot, wet, tight sleeve pulsing around me. And then when she came, gods it was insane. The squeezing intensified and it became this sort of pulsing thing, like a starving mouth that wants to suckle every last drop.” I shivered slightly.</p><p>“I was scared that I’d only last like 10 seconds, but I was so fucking nervous. I tried to focus on her because of that article you mentioned about selfish men and whatnot.” <em>Just casually slip in that you were thinking of him. </em>“It lasted a solid ten minutes, I was quite proud honesty.”</p><p>“It was sweaty and quite difficult but… ugh, totally worth it. It was messier than I expected too, we had had to clean up after. Then I texted you” I sighed. “That’s pretty much it.”</p><p>I opened my eyes to see him staring at me, mouth agape. “Uh-”</p><p>I hit him on the leg playfully. “Too much for you?”</p><p>He blinked at me and tried to collect himself. “You-” he swallowed again, “you have a way with words.”</p><p>I snickered. “Thanks.”</p><p>He put his head in his hands. “I’m really horny now.” I felt the blood leave my face, it was different when he said stuff like that to me now. <em>How dare he make me feel like this?! </em>I tried to compose myself.</p><p>“Maybe you should find a girlfriend or boyfriend?” I said without thinking, that was the last thing I wanted.</p><p>He snorted. “I don’t think so.”</p><p>I felt myself relax, but I didn’t like the self deprecating way he said it. “Oi. Stop that.” He looked at me, surprised. “Anyone would be lucky to have you.” Very fucking lucky indeed.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>The weeks passed too quickly, this was the first year I wasn’t excited to leave Phthia. Leaving school meant leaving Patroclus.</p><p>On the other hand, I was looking forward to being able to try and work though these stupid feelings, it would give me a chance to try and wank them away.</p><p>I was trying to fall asleep but my mind wouldn’t shut up. <em>Maybe I should text him? Or I could tell him tomorrow?</em></p><p>
  <em>“Hey Patroclus. Wanna bang?”</em>
</p><p><em>Stupid, stupid, stupid!</em> </p><p>I would get over it, I <em>had </em>to. I had a girlfriend now. Sure, we weren’t Rose and Jack or Allie and Noah (Patroclus adored romcoms) but I liked her well enough. She wasn’t mad for me either, it worked.</p><p>I fumbled through my school bag for some earphones, <em>how is it so messy already? Patroclus organised it two days ago. </em>I turned to my side and played my ‘<em>sad boi hours</em>’ playlist, desperate for sleep.</p><p>Sleep offered no reprieve from my tangled thoughts.</p><p>
  <em>I was in a kitchen, there were pancakes on the stove, the smell of freshly baked bread engulfed my senses. Patroclus turned to face me, a towel draped over his shoulder. “Morning, sleepyhead.” I yawned lazily. “That’s what happens when you stay up all night trying to lick your elbow.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Just needed to improve my flexibility.” Patroclus looked about 25, with dark stubble on his cheeks and a gold band on his right hand. I walked up to him and he pulled me in by the waist, pressing a kiss to my temple; he smelled like coffee and rain. I pinched a biscuit from the counter.</em>
</p><p><em>“Achilles no! I just got them out of the oven.” He tried to grab it but I shoved it in my mouth before he had the chance. My mouth stung from pain and I spat it out. </em> </p><p>
  <em>I frowned at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He shoved me gently and we both grinned at each other, I was so, so warm. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Someone ran up to me, wrapping its little arms around my leg, “daddy!” I picked up my daughter, resting her on my hip. Patroclus dabbed a bit of Nutella on her nose and she cried out in glee. “Daddy!” </em>
</p><p>I woke up feeling fuzzy, my insides bubbling pleasantly; I didn’t want to face the day, but I did. I stumbled out of my bed and into the bathroom.</p><p>I was looking in the mirror, brushing my teeth, when it dawned on me. <em>What the fuck! </em>I remembered the dream, in a blurry state. I had a kid. I had a kid with Patroclus?! It was sickeningly domestic. <em>That’s not what I want. Are you sure Achilles? Yes. </em></p><p>OoOoO</p><p>It was just a dream.</p><p>Dreams are weird and that was far from the weirdest one I’d ever had. Last week I was a giant lobster and I fried my mother, then I complained she was too salty. Just because I dreamed of eating my mother, doesn’t mean I want to eat my mother.</p><p>It was the night before the last day of school, that meant the summer party. We had to wear suits for the winter ball (Patroclus and I skipped that) but we had to wear something casually formal for summer.</p><p>I ordered to my outfit two weeks ago, I didn’t want to order it earlier than that because I’d been growing like a beanstalk recently. I was taller than Patroclus now, broader too; I’d had to buy new uniform recently.</p><p>I wore ripped white jeans that clung to all the right places (tight, not trashy), a white t-shirt, classy white boots with gold laces, a white jacket with gold thread and a gold chain for my neck. I surveyed myself in the mirror, ruffling my hair. Understated. Classy. I looked like an angel, a slutty angel. <em>Lovely. </em></p><p>I found it surprisingly fun to see everyone dressed up. Patroclus liked the uniform but I was bored of it, to think of all the things I hadn’t been able to wear. Sure, I can wear normal clothes on weekends, but it’s not the same.</p><p>I sauntered into Patroclus’s room and stopped in my tracks, I thought I looked good but… <em>damn. </em>Patroclus could stab me and I would probably thank him.</p><p>He was lying on the floor, earphones in, eyes closed. I bought him a white shirt with yellow sunflowers stitched into the fabric. I would’ve worn it myself but yellow clashes with my hair; a tragedy for the ages.</p><p>I hadn’t expected him to wear it, but there he was, looking like a fucking god (<em>why oh why?</em>). He’d tried to tidy his hair, but that seemed to have made it messier than usual.</p><p>His jeans weren’t as tight as mine (I dare anyone to try) but they were bloody delicious. <em>Gods I have to get over this. </em></p><p>As if sensing my presence, he opened his eyes. He stared at me, slowly looking up and down, <em>does he think I look ridiculous? </em>He squeezed his eyes shut, as if in pain, <em>is he embarrassed of me? </em>Patroclus took a deep breath and pulled out his earphones. “You’re late.”</p><p>For the first time, I noticed that everyone else had already left. “You can’t rush fashion darling.”</p><p>He scrambled off the floor, running a hand through his hair. “You can try.”</p><p>His top buttons were undone and his sleeves were rolled up, <em>is he trying to torture me? </em>“You’re wearing the shirt.”</p><p>He looked down self-consciously. “I wasn’t going to, but then I thought: fuck it.”</p><p>I chuckled. “Good.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>There were pastel streamers dangling from the trees and white tables sprayed around the grass. The party was on one the furthest fields, near the forest.</p><p>Patroclus was smiling at the fairy lights on the path, then he cringed. “Everyone’s already here.”</p><p>I swung my arm over his shoulder. I’d only recently realised that I took every excuse to touch him. It didn’t matter how; ruffling his hair, shoving him with my shoulder, tackling him onto the ground… I probably should’ve stopped, but I couldn’t. I was addicted. “Calm down, it’ll be fine.”</p><p>We found Briseis and Helen in a corner, there were always found together now. “Ooo look at you.” Briseis said, smiling. </p><p>“Says you.” Patroclus pulled Briseis into a hug and I was relieved that I didn’t feel any envy. <em>At least I’m over that stupidity. </em></p><p>The sun was low in the sky and it cast everything in a deep orange. “C’mere.” Breseis said to Patroclus. She undid a few more of his buttons, casting his brown skin a golden light. <em>Life is so unfair!</em></p><p>Briseis looked at me. “You look alright, I guess.”</p><p>I frowned at her. “I suppose you <em>could </em>look worse.”</p><p>Patroclus and Helen laughed at us, snagging something to drink from a year seven walking around with a tray of lemonade. Patroclus passed me one, there was soft music in the background.</p><p>“Hey.” Patroclus tensed and I turned to see Deidameia and Penelope.</p><p>“Hi.” I said, smiling at them.</p><p>Deidameia skirt was higher than her knees, I thought about her soft thighs wrapping around me l and grinned. The thought sent a thrill down my spine but even that hardly compared to the feeling of seeing Patroclus smile, he seemed to seize every nerve, forcing them to hold their breath, begging for relief. <em>I need to get a fucking grip. </em></p><p><em>“</em>Wanna dance?” I asked.</p><p>She took my hand and I twirled her around. “You should join dance club, we could use a boy.”</p><p>“You want to use me?”</p><p>“You’re very useful.”</p><p>We joined the sparse dancers, <em>will we have sex again? </em>Patroclus seemed content with talking to the girls and Odysseus (who decided it was a good idea to wear a top hat).</p><p>I liked dancing with Deidameia. I liked dancing. But I couldn’t help thinking about how Patroclus and I danced on Halloween, the glowing sensation I felt as I watched his hips loosen as the night wore on; how we seemed to fit together perfectly.</p><p>I glanced over to see him staring at me, colour drained from his face. Everyone had left him to dance with each other and he was slumping over his lemonade. I didn’t think to ask Deidameia as I walked over to him, grabbing his hand.</p><p>We danced in a three, his mood lifted significantly. <em>Yay. </em>The sun creeped out of view, leaving the moon in its wake. Patroclus had an odd obsession the moon, I caught him staring. “When’s the wedding?”</p><p>He was startled out of his gaze. “We can’t get married.”</p><p>“Why ever not?”</p><p>“She’s married to the sun. They’ve been together for centuries.”</p><p>I grinned at him, we were swaying softly to the music, not touching; unfortunately. “So it’s an affair! And with a married moon?! Well… I never!”</p><p>He sighed dramatically. “It’s complicated.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“They’re <em>always </em>working. Never get to see each other. They feel like they’re chasing each other in fucking circles.”</p><p>“Pity.” <em>That bloody smile will be the death of me.</em> “How’s the sex?”</p><p>He shoved me playfully. “Astronomically celestial.” His lip tugged up.</p><p>“I hate you.”</p><p>“So does the sun.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>The three of us were lying on the grass, looking up at the sky. Patroclus’s hand was close to mine, I yearned to move my hand towards his, to feel his fingertips brush mine. Deidameia had her head on my chest, her hair smelt like jasmine.</p><p>I felt her shift beside me, bringing over of her legs to cover mine. I twirled a flyaway hair with my finger and when I looked back, Patroclus’s hand had moved.</p><p>Deidameia looked up at me, “wanna have sex?”</p><p>I brought my arm behind my head. <em>Yes. </em>I did want to have sex, but I was cautious that this would mean that I had to leave Patroclus. <em>Don’t be stupid, he doesn’t care. </em>“Where would we go?”</p><p>“Those dorms are still free? It’d probably be better this time, less awkward.”</p><p>I chuckled. Patroclus looked a bit sick, <em>is he tired? </em>I wanted to, but we only had one more night before summer. “I’m not really in the mood.”</p><p>There was a flutter of a smile on Patroclus’s lips, <em>he wants to spend the last night of year 10 with me too. </em>Deidameia sat up, leaving me cold. “Alright, I’ll be off then.”</p><p>I waved at her. “Alright, bye.”</p><p>“Bye.”</p><p>Patroclus and I laid there all night, making up fake constellations, we didn’t speak about Deidameia.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>The next day, I found Patroclus on the driveway talking to a wrinkly old bus driver, he was showing Patroclus something on his phone. “That’s little Timmy, he was only born two weeks ago, that’s him in the car, that’s him on the sofa…” he kept flicking through photos. “Isn’t he the most beautiful baby you’ve ever seen?”</p><p>Patroclus smiled at him. “He’s beautiful, clever too, lifting his head up so early.” The old man beamed at him, I cleared my throat.</p><p>They turned to me. “Hey ‘chilles.” Patroclus greeted.</p><p>“You weren’t at breakfast.” I frowned at him.</p><p>“I’m afraid that’s my fault.” The bus driver said. “This charming young man saw me putting the suitcases in the bus and came out to help me, my back owes him.”</p><p>I felt an unexpected rush of adoration for Patroclus. I had seen the driver, struggling to lift the suitcases onto the bus, I ignored him like everyone else, preoccupied with the thoughts of summer. <em>Ugh, why’s he so bloody compassionate, what a prick. </em></p><p>I shoved a croissant in his face, annoyed. “Brought you this.”</p><p>“Thanks.” </p><p>People started to stream out of the school, eager to leave. “Oh.” Patroclus said suddenly, he rushed to grab something from behind the bus.</p><p>He had a bouquet of pretty orange flowers in his hands, fumbling with the tag. “Are those for me?” I asked in a mocking voice, secretly hoping they were.</p><p>He cringed. “No.” <em>Who else could they be for? </em>“Well, kind of.” My brows furrowed. “They’re for you… to give to Deidameia.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Because she’s your girlfriend.”</p><p>“Oh. Right, thanks.” <em>Why is he so fucking sweet?! </em></p><p>We wouldn’t be able to talk over the summer, I was going to a summer camp and there was no signal. My mother ran the place, a chain of them actually, and she liked being able to see me whenever she could.</p><p>Usually I looked forward to it, wild campfires and stupid games. But this year I dreaded it, <em>six whole weeks. </em>However, I did hope that this would give me a chance to work through my attraction, I was sure that I’d be able to convince myself it was stupid and get over it.</p><p>I gave Deidameia the flowers and she hugged me. “Orange. My favourite colour, that’s so sweet.” <em>Of course he knows what her favourite colour is. She’s not even his girlfriend. </em></p><p>Briseis walked up to me. “I hope your summer is terrible.”</p><p>“I hope you slip and snap your neck.”</p><p>“I hope you choke on your own saliva.”</p><p>“I hope Jack the ripper comes back from the dead to mutilate you.”</p><p>She nodded solemnly at me, I nodded back and she walked on the bus. I turned to see Patroclus’s amused face. <em>I will not cry!</em></p><p>“Well then.” He said, looking away</p><p>I swallowed. “Well.”</p><p>“September third?” The first day students are allowed back.</p><p>“September third.” Dad would drive me later, I wasn’t going to see him for <em>six whole weeks! </em>It felt like a millennium.</p><p>“Umm bye.” He was tapping his foot on the ground, everyone was already on their bus; some of the buses had already left.</p><p>“Bye.” I replied.</p><p>He walked slowly to the bus and I felt my heart sink, my sinuses burned like white fire.</p><p>Patroclus shook his head and turned around, running up to me and pulling me into a tight hug. I felt him engulf me as I wrapped my arms around him. “I’m gonna miss you, you silly shit muffin.” He muttered.</p><p>“I’m gonna miss you too, you stupid bitch baguette.”</p><p>If the driver a hadn’t beeped his horn, we would’ve stayed like that forever. We let go of each other reluctantly. “Goodbye, dork.” He stared at me, smiling.</p><p>We stood apart from each other and I let my gaze sweep over him. “Goodbye, poppet.”</p><p>His face softened before Briseis knocked on the window, <em>hurry up. </em>Patroclus ran onto the bus and I sat on the a concrete step as it drove away.</p><p>Fuck, fuck, fuck!</p><p>
  <em>I’m in love with Patroclus. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know this chapter is pretty chaotic but so is Achilles. </p><p>Dear Achilles,<br/>FUCKING FINALLY.<br/>Sincerely,<br/>Everyone xoxo</p><p>Stay safe and healthy lovelies :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Sixteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>When I reached the school, Achilles was waiting on a step. How long had he been waiting? I hardly had a chance to leave the car before he tackled me into a hug.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>In Britain, pants=underwear. [Yes, this is relevant ;) ]</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p><p>My father stopped me on the way out of the house that morning.</p><p>“Where are you going?” His hand was on my chest, trembling slightly.</p><p>“For a run.” I turned to open the door.</p><p>“When will you be back?” I shrugged and walked out. He’d already started drinking, he wouldn’t remember this later.</p><p>I put on some classical music and ran down the street; pretending I was late to a ball. I read somewhere that running was a good stress reliever. I was desperate to sort through my feelings and escape the house, so I thought I’d give it a try. At first I despised it, lungs screaming and thighs aching; it was torture.</p><p>But I’d grown to crave it, I always felt lighter afterwards. It helped strip me of my anger. I liked the the ways it changed my body too, muscles tightening and chest broadening, (I didn’t think the way my chest broadened was from the running, but I liked it).</p><p>My father had been voted out of his position in the last election. This meant he was <em>always </em>in the house. I couldn’t run all day, so I had to find other ways to occupy myself.</p><p>I’d found a job in a local café, I cleaned dishes from 9-12. It was dull, laborious work but it kept me busy. I’d take a backpack every day, filled with random things that could keep me occupied. Briseis texted me as often as she could, which was lovely.</p><p>After work I’d sit in the park, surrounded by bright daisies and buttercups. I’d read or draw or swing on the swings, watching my feet. At around five, older kids would start to stream into the park; I avoided them.</p><p>I’d go to the pool, swimming lap after lap and let the endorphins wash out thoughts of blond boys with large egos. I’d walk slowly back to the house, hoping father would have left.</p><p>However, when I got back, he’d be lying on the sofa with a beer in his hand. “Where’ve you been?” His beard was growing out of control, I saw baked beans lodged in the grey hairs.</p><p>“Pool.” I replied, walking away. Sometimes he’d let me walk away; other days, when he was feeling particularly grim, I wasn’t so lucky…</p><p>“All that time I spent trying to get you into sports and now you decide you don’t want to look like a scarecrow.”</p><p>I resisted the temptation to roll my eyes. “I suppose you finally got through to me.” <em>Please let me go.</em></p><p>“So you spend all day working out?” He said sarcastically. “Do you think I’m stupid, boy?”</p><p><em>Incredibly. </em>“I go to the park too.”</p><p>“What are you? Five.” He stumbled closer to me. “What do you do in the park?”</p><p>“Read, draw.” I shrugged. There were dark circles under his eyes, <em>why doesn’t he just find another job? He’s loaded enough to fly to the Bahamas and never return. </em></p><p>“So you don’t meet anyone?” I shook my head. “Haven’t found yourself a boyfriend?”</p><p>“No sir.”</p><p>“You’re disgusting.” This would have hurt last year, but I felt numb to it now. His words seemed to bounce off me like ice.</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>He sneered at me. “Don’t have attitude with me, boy.”</p><p>“Alright.”</p><p>He struck me across the face. I brought a hand to my cheek, it burned like acid. He searched me with his eyes. “All those muscles and you still won’t hit me back?” His face twisted in disdain. “You’re almost taller than me and you’re still a pussy.”</p><p>“Do you want me to fight back?” I asked, the shock was lessening, leaving a steady hum of pain in its wake.</p><p>He looked at me like I was stupid. “Yes!”</p><p>I turned away. “Goodnight father.” I dragged my bag up the stairs. <em>One more week. </em></p><p>OoOoO</p><p>September first. <em>Fucking finally. </em></p><p>I couldn’t sleep the night before, I just scrolled through pictures from Phthia on my phone, listening to some sappy songs by Harry Styles. <em>Pathetic, I know. </em></p><p>My uniform felt too big, compared the the shorts and t-shirts I’d grew accustomed to, but I’d never felt so glad to wear an outfit in my life. I had to take it off though, classes didn’t start until Wednesday.</p><p>In the taxi I fumbled through my bag for the pins I’d bought. I placed them onto my bag carefully, staring at the bisexual pin in my hand, running my fingertips over the metal. I took a deep breath and attached it to my bag. <em>You’ve got this. </em></p><p>I had thought that my feelings would soften over the holidays, but they still plagued me; strong and stubborn. I’d have to do a better job at hiding what I felt. I was being so obvious before, I don’t know how he didn’t figure it out.</p><p>When I reached the school, Achilles was waiting on a step. <em>How long has he been waiting? </em>I hardly had a chance to leave the car before he tackled me into a hug.</p><p>The feelings I’d been pushing away for the past six weeks crashed down on me. My senses were overflowed with <em>him</em>. His strong arms clasped around me, the smell of his hair and the feel of his shirt.</p><p>The driver coughed, we were pressed against his car. Achilles let me go slowly, I turned to the driver to apologise. When I looked back, Achilles was staring at me, mouth agape. His eyes ran down my form and I stepped back. “Achilles?” <em>Why is he looking at me like that?</em></p><p>“Hmm?” His voice was high, he’d walked away to find my suitcase, there was a slight blush on his cheeks.</p><p>“Why’d you look at me like that?”</p><p>He didn’t glance up. “Like what?” <em>Was I imaging in it? </em></p><p>I just stared at him, confused, as he hauled my suitcase up the steps. He didn’t stop at the desk, I had to run to keep up with him. “Where are we going?”</p><p>“Our room.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>My worries faded from my mind as we walked into the room. “Best room you can get, we’ve even got our own bathroom.” Achilles told me.</p><p>Achilles had already put his stuff on one of the beds, I flung myself on to the one next to it. The mattress was lumpy and springs dug into my back at weird angles. <em>Perfect. </em>“That’s not fair.” I replied, smiling.</p><p>“Are you complaining?” He was grinning at me, <em>oh how I missed this. </em></p><p>“Nope.”</p><p>“How was your summer?” He laid on his bed, a tanned arm behind his head.</p><p>“Dull.”</p><p>“Missed me?” His voice was returning to normal, but his movement were more unsteady than I remembered.</p><p>“You wish.”</p><p>He threw a pillow at me. “Gods, I forgot how much of a twat you are.”</p><p>“Miss me?”</p><p>“Yes.” My heart fluttered pleasantly at his words.</p><p>“How was summer camp?”</p><p>“Alright. I wanted to write down all the things I would’ve told you, if you were there. But I filled up an entire notebook on the first day, and I thought you’d shout at me if I killed that many trees.”</p><p>“You were right.”</p><p>“I’ll tell you everything later, but first…” he sat up, “have you ever been able to decorate your own room?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Well, I’m giving you full creative license over the room, just… don’t buy too many plants.”</p><p>I jumped up, excitement rushing through me. “Oh my gods. Ok…” my mind was buzzing, “do I stick to a particular theme? If so, what one? Do I want dark academia or cottage core? Should we have a colour scheme? And we need plants, <em>obviously. </em>Oh, and we need candles and books and posters and photos and… wait. Is that too much?”</p><p>Achilles was snickering at me. “Whatever you want, poppet.”</p><p>“I can’t stick to one theme. I’d feel bad for all the other themes. But I don’t want it to messy. How can I have all the themes at the same time?”</p><p>The bed dipped as Achilles sat next to me, I turned to him. “Why don’t we start with posters and go from there?”</p><p>I barely registered how odd it felt that he was being the level-headed one for once. “Ok.” I took a deep breath, I’d always longed to decorate my own room. “We can have posters and photos on the walls by our beds, they’ll be placed neatly. We can put up drawings by my desk and pages from your stories by yours.”</p><p>I pulled out one of my sketch books and started flicking through the pages, picking my favourites. “Should we have plants dangling from the windows? And we’ll put books on the floating shelves. Should we put your guitar on the wall? But would it fit? Should we get a rug? Oh and we <em>need</em> more blankets. And pillows. Blanket and pillows galore I tell you.”</p><p>Achilles was looking at me fondly, I was so used to my father’s cruel gaze that it stopped my train of thought. I’d missed this. <em>I’m so lucky. </em></p><p>OoOoO</p><p>We went to sleep late that night, I was light and bubbly all day as we scoured red bubble for posters, stuck things on the wall and took put all our favourite books from the library. It was coming together nicely and I was quite proud.</p><p>Along with the fluffiest blankets and plumpest pillows I could find, I’d ordered the most adorable bedding. I was too indecisive to choose a theme, so I decided to fully embrace the chaos of my whims. I found achilles two sets, both decorated with different types of fruit.</p><p>[“Because you have a fruit fetish.” I told him.</p><p>“Can a boy not enjoy fruit without being judged for it?” He said, beaming.</p><p>“Not with the way you eat those figs.” He attacked me with a pillow.</p><p>They were lovely though, one with peaches, the other with strawberries, stitched delicately into white cotton. I ordered mine from the same company but I bought one with sunflowers and another with monkeys.</p><p>“Does this mean you have a monkey fetish?” Achilles teased.</p><p>“I’m pretty sure you just admitted to having a fruit fetish.” His cheeks reddened.]</p><p>And there we were, standing awkwardly in front of each other, holding our pyjamas. “So…” I said.</p><p>“So?” He replied.</p><p>“We kind of need to figure out how this is going to work.”</p><p>“Alright.”</p><p>“Should one of us change in the bathroom or…?” I avoided his gaze.</p><p>“I think roommates usually change in front each other. Right?”</p><p>“I think so. That’s what they do in movies.”</p><p>“Alright then.” He started to lift his shirt over his head.</p><p>“Wait.” He finished taking of his top and looked at me. <em>Fuck, fuck, fuck! </em>“Does that include pants as well.”</p><p>I froze as he undid the buttons of jeans, <em>maybe this roommate thing was a bad idea. </em>“I think so? Maybe not. That’s never a problem in films.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I say we change our boxers in the bathroom, I don’t want to see your dick.” He pulled his pyjama top of his head, silk, <em>of course. </em></p><p>I felt my cheeks redden and turned around to change my top. <em>Just don’t look at him. </em>“Yeah.” I took off my shorts as fast as possible, feeling incredibly self conscious. “Me neither.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>“Do you snore?” Achilles asked, the room was dark but neither of us were asleep.</p><p>“You know I don’t.” I turned to face him, I could barely make out the shadow of his figure.</p><p>“Well, maybe it’s another thing that’s changed in the past six weeks.”</p><p>“What do you mean?” Our voices were quiet.</p><p>“You’ve grown.”</p><p>“Grown?”</p><p>“Yeah. And you’ve got a new haircut.”</p><p>I brought a hand to my hair self consciously, I had it cut shorter at the sides and left a mop of curls on top. My father said it was becoming too messy, that I looked like a heathen, <em>father </em>said that <em>I </em>looked like a heathen. <em>Maybe I should buy him a mirror for his birthday</em>. “Is it terrible?”</p><p>“No, that’s not what I mean. I like it.”</p><p>“Your hair has changed too.”</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“It’s blonder.” Some strips had been bleached white from the sun.</p><p>We laid in silence for a while. “Patroclus?” He said, I’d missed the way he said my name.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“I’m bisexual.” <em>Huh.</em></p><p>“Ok.” He shifted in his bed. “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked.</p><p>“Nah, I’m tired.”</p><p>“Ok.” Maybe this should have been a surprise but it wasn’t. He’d always talked about boys the same way he talked about girls. We could be watching a film and he would ask me to rate different male characters, then disagree with my opinions, offering insights I hadn’t even noticed.</p><p>I felt my eyelids droop, the rims sealed with sleep dust. “Goodnight Achilles.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>I awoke to a heavy weight pressing down on me. “Argh, get off.” I tried to shove him but he wouldn’t budge.</p><p>“I’m sixteen!!” He grinned at me and I felt my mood lift.</p><p>“Happy birthday, hurricane.” There was light escaping through the curtains.</p><p>“Hurricane?”</p><p>“Do you like it?” I tried to sit up, very aware that he was on my lap. “Whirlwind? Whirl? Swirl? Curl? Curly? Chip? Berry? Cherry? Larry?” These names were in <em>no way</em> because I needed to distract myself from how close we were.</p><p>He laughed at me. “You need to stop overthinking it. It’ll come when it comes.” He looked down and saw he was still in top of me, he jumped up. “Let’s get breakfast, and then what do you say to a day at the garden centre? We can buy some plants.”</p><p>“There’s no way you want to spend your birthday plant shopping with me.”</p><p>“I do.”</p><p>“Presents first?”</p><p>He gleamed at me. “Yes please.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>There was soft indie music in the background of the garden centre and the sound of water falling from the fountains sung in my ears. I was surrounded by every type of plant imaginable and an unusual selection of gnomes.</p><p>There was a quaint little café with pastel banners and pictures of flowers hanging on the walls. We went in to get lunch.</p><p>Our knees were touching under the table and I tried to carefully move them away without Achilles noticing. <em>Very smooth.</em></p><p>My mouth dropped open when I saw him dipping his ham and cheese panini into a mug of hot chocolate. “What the fuck?” An elderly lady tutted at me and I slouched down in my chair whilst achilles glared at her, happily chewing this chocolate and cheese sandwich.</p><p>“What?” He said, wiping hot chocolate off his chin. “It’s nice. Wanna try?”</p><p>“You’re a lunatic.”</p><p>He shoved the sandwich in my face, I tried to bat it away. “Get away, loony.”</p><p>My eyes widened and Achilles groaned. “No, no, no!”</p><p>“Yes, loony.” I was urged on by how much he seemed to hate it.</p><p>He put his head in his hands. “Please, no.”</p><p>“You said it had to come naturally, and you’re naturally a lunatic, loony.”</p><p>“But I gave you a cute name!” He pouted at me. “Yours is <em>terrible</em>.”</p><p>“It’s not that bad.”</p><p>“What if I called you shitface, instead of poppet.”</p><p>“You don’t have the strength to do that.”</p><p>He glared at me. “You’re right.”</p><p>I gave him my cookie and his spirit brightened again.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>We had dinner with Peleus in the dining hall. His eyebrows lifted when he saw me. “Hello Peleus.” I said.</p><p>“Hello Patroclus, Ace.” He nodded at each of us and we sat down. I liked spending time with Achilles’s father because he couldn’t help saying something embarrassing about Achilles when he was little, (which I could use to make fun of him later).</p><p>We had a three course meal, I would’ve helped cook Andino, if Achilles hadn’t insisted on spending all day by my side.</p><p>“Puberty hit you all at once Patroclus. Look at those shoulders.” If I could have smothered myself with the sundae in front of me, I would have; but at the same time I felt oddly pleased.</p><p>“Dad, stop embarrassing him.” Achilles said with a mouthful of ice cream.</p><p>Peleus chuckled. “The last time I saw you you were tiny, how tall are you now?”</p><p>“About five foot eleven.”</p><p>“How tall are you, Ace?”</p><p>Achilles glared at his father. “5 foot ten <em>and a half</em>.” I smiled smugly at him.</p><p>Peleus suppressed a grin. “Ace, I’ve meaning to talk to you.” Achilles looked at him. “I know I’ve let you get away with a lot, but your mother and I have decided,” Achilles gritted his teeth, “that you need to try harder this year.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“You’ve got to focus more. You did well in English, but you have 12 other GCSEs to do this year. You should participate in more school activities.”</p><p>“I’m in nearly every sport club.”</p><p>“But you’re smart too, why don’t you join an academic club, or choir.”</p><p>“I am not joining choir.”</p><p>“Orchestra?”</p><p>“Will it get you off my back?”</p><p>“Do not talk to me like that kiddo. Yes, I would like it if you joined orchestra.”</p><p>Achilles sighed. “Fine. But Patroclus is joining with me.”</p><p>I stared at Achilles, annoyed. “I don’t play an instrument.”</p><p>“I’ll teach you.”</p><p>Before I could complain, Peleus started talking again. “Oh and there’s a new student in your year, I want you to show them around.”</p><p>Achilles glared at his father. <em>He’s not used to being told what to do. </em>“Fine.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>Later, we were lying in our room. “We can’t both shower in the morning.” I told Achilles.</p><p>He looked up from his guitar, “huh?”</p><p>“It was alright today because we didn’t have school, but we’ll end up arguing if we both shower in the morning.”</p><p>“True.” He placed a mint in his mouth. “I’ll shower in the mornings.”</p><p>“But I want to shower in the mornings.”</p><p>“I wake up earlier than you, it makes sense.” I glared at him, he pouted at me. “<em>Please? </em>It’s my birthday.” <em>I’m too soft for him. </em></p><p>“Fine.” He tackled me into a bear hug, I clung onto his biceps. <em>This</em> <em>is driving me insane.</em></p><p>OoOoO</p><p>It was dark again, we were lying in our beds, warm and cozy. “So you’re not joining the football team this year?” Achilles asked.</p><p>“I don’t think so.”</p><p>“Are you gonna join anything else?”</p><p>“Definitely not orchestra.” I replied, he snickered. “Maybe swimming.”</p><p>Achilles sat up. “Yeah, you’d be great.”</p><p>“But I’m not… I’m not very good.” I leaned on my elbows.</p><p>“Oi. You are.”</p><p>I had an idea. “I’ll join swim club if you join dance club.”</p><p>He cringed. “I don’t know…”</p><p>“Please?”</p><p>“Fine.”</p><p>We laid back down and I pulled a pillow to my chest. “What was it like?” Achilles asked suddenly. “What was it like to kiss a boy?”</p><p>“I’m pretty sure you’ve already asked me this.”</p><p>“But I want to know <em>more</em>.”</p><p>“It depends on who you’re kissing, I guess. And I’ve only ever kissed one boy, so I’m not exactly an expert.”</p><p>“Show me.”</p><p>My eyes flew open. “What?”</p><p>“Show me what it was like.”</p><p>My heart was hammering, I kept my voice steady. “I’m not kissing you, loony.” <em>I had never wanted anything more in my entire life, but there was no way I would survive.</em></p><p>Achilles huffed. “Fine.”</p><p>I turned to him. “You can’t seriously be mad.”</p><p>He seemed to deflate. “You’re right, it was a stupid thing to say.”</p><p>I laughed at him. “Goodnight, Achilles.” <em>I need to get over this.</em></p><p>OoOoO</p><p>The next morning we walked to reception. “All I’m saying is that if I was a planet, I wouldn’t want people to live on me.” I told Achilles, taking a sip of coffee.</p><p>“But it would be so <em>boring.</em>”</p><p>“I’d allow animals, just not humans, they fuck everything up. I’d try to protect them, and they’d keep throwing it in my face by destroying my o-zone layer and poisoning my seas.”</p><p>“Ahh, but what if you got to choose the humans, you could pick all the good ones.”</p><p>I was about to argue that these humans would inevitably reproduce selfish offspring and I’d have to separate children from parents to look after myself, but Peleus called us over. “Boys.” We walked over to him. “This is our new student.”</p><p>The boy behind Peleus turned around. “Hi.” His smile widened when he saw us. “I’m Dorian.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>;) ;)</p><p>Be patient with me guys, I’m just putting the long in longing.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Envy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He noticed the books and snickered. “Still a nerd then?” What a dick.<br/>To my horror, Patroclus smiled. “Shut up.”<br/>Dorian turned to him and Patroclus leant in. I TAUGHT HIM THAT.<br/>Stupid, stupid Achilles. Dorian smirked, again. “Make me.” I’m pretty sure my nostrils were flaring, but they didn’t notice me.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Achilles:</strong>
</p><p>It took me a few seconds to realise where I’d heard that name. <em>THIS IS THE BOY PATROCLUS KISSED! </em>My thoughts seemed to hammer my skull. <em>Calm down achilles. It isn’t a big deal, they probably don’t like each other anymore. </em>I tried to stay rational for my sanity.</p><p>Patroclus was blinking rapidly, then he… smiled? <em>No, no, no! Don’t smile at that bastard. STAY CALM ACHILLES. </em>“Hi, I’m Patroclus.”</p><p>Dorian smiled at him. “I know.” I didn’t like the way they were looking each other.</p><p>I thrust my hand forward. “I’m Achilles.”</p><p>He seemed to notice me for the first time, <em>rude. </em>He took my hand awkwardly, <em>oh no, I’m doing a Patroclus. </em>“This your boyfriend Pat?” <em>Why does everyone think that?!</em></p><p>“No, he’s just a friend.” <em>Ouch. </em>Dorian looked glad, <em>why does he look glad? It shouldn’t matter to him. </em></p><p>“<em>Best </em>friend<em>.” </em>I said, because I couldn’t help it. Patroclus rolled his eyes. “Let’s get this over with.”</p><p>Patroclus looked apologetically at Dorian. “Sorry about loony, he’s in a mood because his father isn’t letting him do whatever he wants.” He looked at me playfully and seemed taken back when I glared at him. “Where do you wanna go first?”</p><p>“I’d like to put down these suitcases, mate.” <em>Weak wanker.</em></p><p>“Yeah of course.” Patroclus grabbed one his suitcases. “What room are you in?”</p><p>He pulled a key out of his pocket and handed it to Patroclus. “1405, whatever that means.”</p><p>Patroclus grinned at him. “You’re on the same floor as us.” <em>Fucking perfect. </em></p><p>We started to walk to Dorian’s room. They kept looking at each other and smiling, I thought I was going to to be sick.</p><p><em>You’re too possessive Achilles. This Dorian could make him happy. Don’t you want him to be happy? I want him to be happy with ME. </em> </p><p>But alas, <em>he’s not even mine to be jealous over. </em></p><p>“You’ve grown a lot since I last saw you.” Dorian said in a tone I despised.</p><p>“It has been a year. You’ve grown too… that’s kinda what happens.” <em>Get offended by Patroclus’s sarcasm Dorian, say something mean, show us your true colours you slimy git.</em></p><p>To my annoyance, he chuckled. “You’re like a different person, you were smaller than me.” <em>No-one cares. </em>“Now you’re, well… that.” Patroclus blushed as Dorian eyed his figure, <em>I’m going to murder him.</em></p><p>I had noticed, of course, how much had changed over the holidays. He’d been growing steadily all year and then… boom: muscles. When I first saw him, I literally couldn’t form proper sentences, it was really embarrassing and took all my strength to try and act normal.</p><p>He was perfect before, but now he was even more perfect, <em>it’s infuriating. </em>I’d dreamt about his thighs <em>twice! </em>It took all my willpower not to pin him to a wall, kiss him senseless and then confess my undying love.</p><p>Instead, I had to stand around and watch this other boy be perfectly open about his intentions, he didn’t have a friendship to protect. Sure, if I squinted, I could see the appeal. His hair was soft, but mine was softer!</p><p>He was too pale as well. It had just been summer, he probably burnt in the sun. I didn’t want Patroclus to be with someone who couldn’t go to the beach without smothering himself with sun cream. <em>Completely rational. </em></p><p>We found his room and placed his things on a bed. His roommate hadn’t arrived yet. “Do you want to put your things away now?” Patroclus asked.</p><p>“Nah, I’ll do it later.” I was standing in the corner, arms crossed. Patroclus didn’t pay any attention to me. “Where next mate?”</p><p>“There’s a lounge down the corridor.” They were far too close for my liking as we strolled down the hallway.</p><p>“Which one’s your room?” Dorian asked, smirking. <em>You’re not a YA love interest. Stop smirking, prick.</em></p><p>“By there.” Patroclus pointed. “Wanna see?”</p><p><em>No. You do not want to see. </em>“Definitely.” <em>Fuck.</em></p><p>Dorian’s eyes widened when he saw our room. “This is really cool.” He was eyeing the posters and art. He noticed the books and snickered. “Still a nerd then?” <em>What a dick.</em></p><p>To my horror, Patroclus smiled. “Shut up.”</p><p>Dorian turned to him and Patroclus leant in. <em>I TAUGHT HIM THAT. </em></p><p><em>Stupid, stupid Achilles. </em>Dorian smirked, <em>again. </em>“Make me.” I’m pretty sure my nostrils were flaring<em>, </em>but they didn’t notice me.</p><p>Patroclus played with Dorian’s collar, <em>casual touches. </em>“How do I do that?” Patroclus asked.</p><p>“I can think of a few ideas.”</p><p>I coughed, loudly. They moved apart slowly. “Sorry mate.” Dorian said, he didn’t seem sorry at all.</p><p>“I just don’t want cum on my new plants. Let’s go.”</p><p>Dorian blinked in amusement, Patroclus glowered at me. When I turned to leave, Dorian gave me a knowing look. I hated it, <em>he doesn’t know anything. </em>The rational part of brain was screaming, <em>you have to be more careful.</em></p><p>OoOoO</p><p>I was in hell. I don’t think anyone had been in any more pain… ever! Ok, <em>maybe </em>that was a little far fetched. I supposed the Jews had it worse, and non-white people, and non-rich people, and women, and gays and…</p><p>What I’m trying to say is, it hurt.</p><p>I’d never had much need to be jealous of anybody, but the envy I felt towards Dorian was fierce and cruel. It wasn’t just the way they looked at each other, it was the way I had to hold back from grabbing him by the collar and throwing him down the stairs.</p><p>I didn’t lie, but I was a good actor. I buried my feelings as deep as I could, clenching my fists and only letting slip a few passive aggressive comments that could be written off because I was in a bad mood.</p><p>The reason I hadn’t punched Dorian in the face was because Patroclus seemed to genuinely like him, I didn’t want Patroclus to feel angry at me; it would just push him closer to that rotten fuck bucket.</p><p>I was Achilles Pelides. I had never been afraid of anything. I was terrified that I wasn’t good enough for Patroclus.</p><p>I walked in-between them and tried to look completely oblivious to the fact that I was in their way. We were in the dining hall when Patroclus said: “Want to see the kitchens?”</p><p>I clenched my jaw and tried to swallow the lump in my throat. Patroclus showed affection through food. When we started to become friends last Halloween, he made me pancakes every day. When Briseis got a B in a maths test, he made her a chocolate fudge cake.</p><p>“Yeah, ok.” Dorian replied, completely unaware of the implications. <em>Stupid rat. </em></p><p>Patroclus was friendly with the cooks, because of course he was, one of the chefs beamed when she saw him. “Patroclus ahh. Look at you, that sun did you well.”</p><p>Patroclus smiled at her. “How’s Alekos and the kids?” <em>You make it impossible to be mad at you Patroclus. </em>My feelings lifted a little at seeing somebody else appreciate him. <em>Dorian could appreciate him too, </em>a voice nagged in the back of my head, <em>not as much as I could. </em></p><p>“Good, good. Sit. Eat.”</p><p>Patroclus laughed fondly. “I’d love to, Andino, but I’m only here to show Dorian around. Maybe we could have some of your famous cookies?”</p><p>The chef was a small woman, at least a foot shorter than Patroclus but she exuded a confidence that intimated people. She surveyed Dorian. “You’re too skinny, you need some meat on your bones.”</p><p>Dorian flushed and I laughed, Andino’s eyes flashed towards me. “You brought Achilles?” Andino seemed to hold a vendetta against me since I spilt the entire school’s milk supply and she was still finding honey stuck to her cupboards.</p><p>“He’s my best friend Andino, I know he seems like an idiot, and he is,” I pouted at Patroclus, “but a lovable one.” <em>How is my heart still working?</em></p><p>She turned with a “hmph.”</p><p>Patroclus smiled awkwardly at us and followed her. “Stay here.” He said.</p><p>It was just Dorian, me and the cooker. “Hello.” He smiled at me.</p><p>“Hi.” I said curtly.</p><p>“Look mate,” he pressed his stupid lips together, “I don’t mean to impose. If you have something going on with Pat, I can back off.” <em>How dare he be so fucking considerate!</em></p><p>“Why would you think that?” My voice sounded strained.</p><p>Dorian raised his eyebrows. “The way you look at him,” <em>I need to be more careful, </em>“the way he looks at you,” <em>of course he’s fucking blind as well. </em></p><p>I was so tempted to tell him that there <em>was</em> something going on with Patroclus and I, I wanted to tell him to back off. I could say we were just taking a break, but I didn’t lie. “There’s nothing going with me and Patroclus.” <em>Unfortunately. </em>“I’m just in a bad mood.” <em>Very smooth. </em></p><p>Dorian eyed me skeptically. “Ok.” We could hear Patroclus walking down the corridor towards us, Dorian smiled. “Good.”</p><p>Patroclus walked up to us with a smile, <em>I’ve missed that face. </em>“Come with me.”</p><p>Patroclus led us deeper into the kitchens I was sending daggers at the back of Dorian’s head because he couldn’t see me.</p><p>“I’ve whipped us up some icing, your favourite Achilles.” <em>I love you. </em></p><p>He passed us a bowl each, filled with vanilla icing. “My veins are cursing me right now.” Dorian said, I walked the corner and sat on the counter, watching their infuriating flirtations unfold.</p><p>“Your mouth will thank you.” <em>What’s that supposed to mean Patroclus?!</em></p><p>“We’ll see.”</p><p>
  <em>They’re eye fucking! No, no, no! </em>
</p><p>I wanted to whack my head on the metal cupboard over and over again. It felt as if all my internal organs were drooping in defeat and disappointment, it was excruciating.</p><p>They didn’t break eye contact as Dorian spooned some of the icing into his mouth. <em>Is there any need to stand so close to each other? </em></p><p>Dorian, I swear to every bastard god, moaned. “Fuck. That’s really good Pat.”</p><p>Patroclus’s eyes widened, a blush creeping up his neck. <em>He’s turned on. </em>I felt my heartbeat in my fingertips. “Yeah?” He said quietly.</p><p>Dorian smirked at him. “Yeah.” He took a step closer, <em>how much closer can you get? You don’t want to think too much about that Achilles. </em>“Try some.”</p><p>Patroclus put a small amount on his spoon and I was transfixed by his lips. He let the icing melt in his mouth. “Yeah it’s nice.” <em>At least Patroclus isn’t moaning, I would probably combust. </em></p><p>I watched from a distance as Dorian put more onto his spoon. “You need more than that, have this.” <em>That spoon has been in your mouth. You unhygienic fool!</em></p><p>He fed it to Patroclus slowly, I was mesmerised by it. Longing to be the one standing so close. It was messy and there was icing on Patroclus’s chin.</p><p>I tried to distract myself with my own icing, but I found the smell repulsed me. The thought of eating anything made me want to throw up. I placed the icing to the side and tried to calm down as I watched them.</p><p>Dorian reached out to wipe the icing off of Patroclus’s chin. “You got a little something here.” I should’ve looked away, for my sanity. But I found myself bewitched by the scene.</p><p>Envy was clawing at my throat and I felt uncomfortably warm, but the way Patroclus was acting… I didn’t know my organs could be in so much pain whilst harbouring so much desire.</p><p>To my absolute horror, Dorian brought his finger to his lips. He sucked the icing off his skin, staring at Patroclus the entire time. My palms were sweating. Dorian smirked, <em>the smug bastard. </em>“Didn’t want it to go to waste.”</p><p>“G-good idea.” Patroclus looked like his entire world had shifted and I despised it. He glanced up at me and his eyes widened in worry. “Achilles, are you ok?”</p><p>He walked away from Dorian and rushed over to me, causing a rush of satisfaction in my blood. “Woah. Mate you’re <em>really </em>pale.” Dorian said. <em>Says you. Casper the Horny Ghost.</em></p><p>I forced my limbs to compose themselves. “I feel a little sick.” <em>I did feel sick, probably not for the reason they thought; but that’s just specifics. </em></p><p>“Oh no.” The sympathy on Patroclus’s face warmed me. “Do you mind if we cut the tour short?”</p><p>Dorian carried on spooning the icing into his mouth, <em>not moaning now, scheming bitch. </em>“Yeah of course. I’ll see you around?”</p><p>Patroclus smiled shyly at him. “See you around.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>Patroclus dragged me by the hand and his touch soothed me. He placed his hand on my forehead and frowned, “you’re heating up.”</p><p>“Stop worrying.”</p><p>He glared at. “Shut up, imbecile.”</p><p>“Wow, what a kind nurse you are.”</p><p>He rolled his eyes and threw a towel at me. “Go have a cold shower, you’re all sweaty. I’m gonna find you some medicine.”</p><p>Before I had a chance to protest, he left in a hurry.</p><p>The shower actually helped. The water was harsh and it seemed to snap me back to reality. Patroclus and Dorian had a thing going on. This was inevitable. There was nothing I could do. Nothing I could do except try and be a good friend. I could do that,<em> I had to. </em></p><p>I let the water numb away some of my most treacherous thoughts and before I knew it, there were tears running down my face. This was destroying me<em>. You can’t let it. </em></p><p>Patroclus knocked on the door. “Come in.” I said. The shower curtain was opaque, <em>not that it matters.</em></p><p>“How you feeling?”</p><p>“Fine.”</p><p>Patroclus sighed. “I brought you your favourite pyjamas.” <em>I love you.</em></p><p>I turned the shower off. “Thanks.”</p><p>He left the room before I stepped out. I pulled on my pyjamas and walked into our room.</p><p>Patroclus smiled when he saw me. “You look loads better.”</p><p>“I am.”</p><p>“I was thinking we could spend the rest of the day watching trashy tv and eating popcorn.” He gestured to the array of snacks he’d found.</p><p>“Yes please.” I sat on my bed and started towelling my hair. “Do you want to watch Call me by Your Name?”</p><p>Patroclus raised his eyebrows. “Wasn’t the author a nonce?”</p><p>“Timothée Chalamet fucks a peach.” I made a lewd gesture and Patroclus covered his eyes.</p><p>“You and your fruit fetish.” <em>I really wish he didn’t know that. </em>“I was thinking we could re-watch Miranda.”</p><p>I couldn’t say no to that. “We’re watching Call me by Your Name another time.” I climbed into his bed and was calmed by his warmth.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>We were about half way through the first episode and Patroclus was staring at me. “Yeah?” I said.</p><p>“Are you proud?” He was grinning.</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“I know I was a bit awkward at the end but I think I did a pretty good job for the first try.” <em>Wait, is he talking about flirting. </em>“I wanted to look at you for reassurance but I thought you’d just tell me to focus on Dorian. You were so quiet I thought you were giving me space. Did I do alright?” He looked so hopeful.</p><p>“You were very charming.” <em>Very charming indeed. </em></p><p>He exhaled loudly. “What do you think of Dorian? He’s quite handsome isn’t he?” <em>Handsome for a scoundrel, maybe. </em></p><p>“I don’t like him.” I told him sincerely.</p><p>Patroclus’s face fell and I my heart yelped in guilt. “Why not?”</p><p>“He was very forward with his intentions.”</p><p>Patroclus laughed, I glared at him. “Sorry.” He said. “I just didn’t realise we were in Downtown Abby.”</p><p>“I meant… don’t you think he was a little arrogant?”</p><p>Patroclus was laughing again and it was starting to frustrate me. “You. Achilles Pelides is calling someone arrogant?” I pouted at him, he tried to stifle his laugh. “Carry on.”</p><p>“And his accent is too… British.”</p><p>Patroclus raised his eyebrows. “What are you on about? We’ve all got English accents.”</p><p>“His is different.” <em>Why are you arguing this point?</em></p><p>“He’s from Sheffield.” <em>I hate that you know that. </em></p><p>“It’s just… mate this, and mate that.”</p><p>Patroclus looked at me, bewildered. “That’s not a good enough reason to dislike him.”</p><p>I raised my chin and tried again. “He’s not hot enough for you.”</p><p>Patroclus blinked at me. “You can’t be serious.”</p><p>“I am.”</p><p>“Well I disagree with you, and beauty is perception. Try again.” He leaned on his elbows, <em>hot, hot, hot.</em></p><p>“He’s too… perfect.” Patroclus stared at me. “That is a reasonable argument. We don’t know what he’s really like. We don’t know what his worst traits are.”</p><p>“So you mean, you don’t want me to find out he’s cocky or oblivious.”</p><p>I nodded. “Exactly.”</p><p>“You don’t want me to find out he turns restlessly in his sleep or always steals my pens.”</p><p>“Wait a minute…”</p><p>“Gods forbid he rings me at three in the morning to have a conversation about whether he could make money out of dying cauliflower different colours and calling it ‘fun broccoli.’” He was grinning at me.</p><p>“He could be a grumpy morning person prone to sarcasm or insist on taking up an entire drawer for his tea collection.”</p><p>Patroclus gasped. “Do not insult my tea collection or you’ll find yourself without any fingers when you wake up.”</p><p>“Are you gonna use them to stir the alarming amount of tea you drink.” We both burst out laughing and I felt giddy at the realisation that no matter how many relationships he had, we would always have this.</p><p>After we stopped laughing I looked at him soberly. “I’m sorry for a dick about the Dorian thing. I’m just protective.”</p><p>His eyes softened. “You don’t have to be.”</p><p>I sighed. “Let’s just watch some tv.”</p><p>“Oh and by the way,” I said, “Deidameia’s coming round at about ten o’clock later.” I needed to relieve stress in any way I knew how.</p><p>Patroclus seemed unbothered. “Ok.”</p><p>“So maybe you could talk to Briseis or something?”</p><p>He looked at me in surprise. “You’re kicking me out?”</p><p>“You can stay if you want but we’re probably going to have sex and I don’t know if Meia’s big on voyeurism.” He looked genuinely hurt, <em>that’s not what I wanted. </em>“We don’t have to. I could stay with you or we could go to her dorm?”</p><p>Patroclus massaged his temple. “No, it’s fine. We can bring our boyfriends or girlfriends in here, very convenient.” <em>SHITTING FUCK BALLS, I’M AN IDIOT. </em></p><p>“Yeah.” <em>I DESPISE MYSELF.</em></p><p>OoOoO</p><p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p><p>Achilles kicked me out, horny brat. I didn’t really mind, I was just illogically irritated that he was having sex; that he was having sex with someone who wasn’t me. <em>Don’t think about it Patroclus.</em></p><p>Briseis wasn’t back until the next day, so I made my way to the hall’s lounge and tried not to think about Achilles.</p><p>Nobody was in the lounge as I scoured the cupboards for a puzzle and sat down on one of the plump sofas. <em>I wonder if they’re having sex right now. </em>I thought to myself. <em>No. Don’t think about that, think about something else. </em></p><p>Dorian… I wasn’t expecting to ever see him again. I wasn’t ready for a relationship, was I? <em>You need to leave your comfort bubble, eventually. </em>I liked him, not the way I liked Achilles but that wasn’t Dorian’s fault.</p><p>He still had a the same dark eyes and hair but his limbs had grown, long and slim. I liked the sound of his voice, deep and playful and it was surprisingly fun to flirt with him.</p><p>With Achilles, I felt like my world was going to implode, it was overwhelming and being aware that it wasn’t the same for him… well, it sucked. I thought he would be proud but he just seemed cautious. He’s overprotective and it’s both endearing and annoying, I didn’t need him to protect me.</p><p>I was about half way through the puzzle when I felt the sofa dip beside me. I looked up to see Dorian next to me. “Hey.” He said.</p><p>“Hi.” The way he looked at me made me feel warm and uncomfortable but I enjoyed it.</p><p>I added one more piece to the puzzle before sitting back and looking at him, he had this small bump on his nose that I thought was really hot.</p><p>I found I didn’t have anything to say. With Achilles, I never struggled for words, I could just tell him what I was thinking and he would do the same. Ok, <em>what am I thinking? </em>“Why did you come here?” <em>Was that too abrupt?</em></p><p>Dorian gritted his teeth. “My nan, she caught me smoking. Well, she smelt it on me.”</p><p>“You smoke?” <em>Too personal </em></p><p>He smiled. “No. I’d never smoked cigarettes before, I just wanted to try it. I wasn’t expecting her to visit us, I don’t think she would’ve reacted the way she did if I wasn’t with… him.” I furrowed my eyebrows, I was glad he was talking; I could listen.</p><p>“They knew. My parents knew I was gay, they didn’t mind. My grandparents… they’re not so liberal. My nan told my grandad and he convinced my dad that I was a delinquent… and here I am.” He sighed.</p><p>“Didn’t realise this place was a conversion camp.”</p><p>He laughed. “They’re so stupid, they see some fancy logo and think putting a lot of money onto my eduction will snap me straight. Instead, it just gives me a crazy amount of freedom and few parental figures. This place does at least.”</p><p>I leaned back on the sofa. “That boy, is he your boyfriend?”</p><p>He smiled shyly. “He was. We broke up before I moved. Maybe I’ll see him again.” He shrugged. “I don’t know.”</p><p>“Are you upset? That you moved?” My father used to tell me I asked too many questions. My teachers thought I was trying to divert the attention from myself, but, usually, I was genuinely curious about the answers; I liked learning about people. I wondered if he thought the questions were annoying.</p><p>“I was. I had a lot of friends, and I liked my teachers. But who knows?” He grinned at me, “maybe I’ll make new friends.” I liked his cheekbones.</p><p>“You will. You’re very charming.” <em>Whoop whoop, you got this Patroclus!</em></p><p>“I’m glad.” He smiled at me. “So, tell me about you.”</p><p>I cringed. “There’s not much to tell. I like plants and bad tv, oh, I also like tea.” <em>What is wrong with me?</em></p><p>“Change tea to dick and you’d have a tinder bio.” He chuckled. “Hi I’m Patroclus, I like plants and bad tv, oh, I also like dick.”</p><p>“How do you know?” <em>Other than the fact you had your tongue down his throat last year? Stupid question.</em></p><p>“The pin on your bag.”</p><p>“Right.” I blushed. “What would your tinder bio be?”</p><p>“Hi I’m Dorian, I like…” he paused, “knitting and geography, oh, I also like dick.”</p><p>I snickered. “You like knitting?”</p><p>His lip tugged up. “Are you making fun of me?”</p><p>“I think it’s adorable.”</p><p>He’d moved closer to me, our thighs were touching. “Yeah?”</p><p>I swallowed and leaned in, <em>you’ve got this. </em>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Have you ever kissed a boy Patroclus?” He muttered, repeating his words from my fifteenth birthday.</p><p>“Only one.” I could feel his breath on my cheek.</p><p>“Do you want to kiss him again.”</p><p><em>Fuck, fuck, fuck. </em>“I wouldn’t object.”</p><p>He smirked and leaned forward, pressing his lips to mine. It was just like before, warm and comfortable. I wondered if it would feel different if these were Achilles’s lips, I told my brain to shut up and kissed him harder.</p><p><em>Nimble hands strumming guitar strings. </em>Encouraged by my enthusiasm, Dorian wrapped his legs around my torso and kissed me deeper. <em>A large weight crushing me when I wake up, resting on my legs.</em></p><p><em>Broad shoulders twirling to music, golden hair in his eyes. </em>I opened my mouth and pulled Dorian closer. <em>A bright face grinning at me. </em></p><p>I pushed Dorian away in guilt, squeezing my eyes shut. He scrambled off me. “Hey mate, what’s wrong?”</p><p>I brought my knees to chest. “I can’t do this.” <em>You haven’t got this.</em></p><p>Dorian smiled at me with swollen lips. “That’s alright, you weren’t into it.”</p><p>I looked at him and took a deep breath. “No. I was into it, it was great.”</p><p>“What’s the problem then?”</p><p><em>You have to tell him. </em>“You don’t wanna be in a relationship with me. I-I like someone else. I think… I love him.” <em>Where the fucking shit did that come from?!</em></p><p>Dorian placed a hand on my shoulder. “Your friend? The pretty blond one?”</p><p>I stared at him, alarmed. “How did you know?”</p><p>“Just a guess.” He shrugged. “I think he might have a thing for you.”</p><p>I laughed hysterically. “You think… Achilles? No. There’s no way”</p><p>“Are you sure? He seemed pretty jealous today.”</p><p>I was still laughing. “He was just moody because his father made him do something.” Dorian didn’t look convinced. “He’s in our room fucking Deidameia as we speak.” I winced.</p><p>“And you’re out here snogging me.” <em>Fair point. </em></p><p>My hysteria faded. “Look, I can see why you would think that. Achilles doesn’t understand boundaries with friends. He’s a bit weird, in the best way.” Dorian furrowed his brows.</p><p>I carried on spilling my thoughts, I couldn’t stop. “I know you don’t know him but… he doesn’t think things through. He acts on his every whim. If he likes someone, they’d know about it. He has no subtly, and I admire that but it just proves that he doesn’t feel <em>like that </em>towards me<em>.</em>”</p><p>Dorian sighed. “That makes sense, I suppose you’re the one that knows him; and he did seem a bit odd.”</p><p>I glared at him. “<em>Watch it.</em>”</p><p>He backed away. “Sorry mate.”</p><p>“Do you like puzzles?” I gestured apologetically to the Friends puzzle.</p><p>“More than you realise.” <em>Achilles doesn’t like puzzles. </em>“Friends? Really? That show is the epitome of straight culture.”</p><p>“Chandler and Phoebe are bisexual and you can’t convince me otherwise.”</p><p>He chuckled. “They’re also the best characters.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>We finished the puzzle and I laid on the sofa. “Do you think they’re… finished?”</p><p>“I hope so, I don’t think anyone could last this long.”</p><p>“I’ll stay for a few minutes, to be safe.” I started fiddling with a pillow. “I’m sorry.” He looked surprised. “I’m sorry I can’t be your boyfriend.”</p><p>He shrugged. “It’s alright, I’m not head over heels in love with you or anything.” He gazed at me, considering. “I have an idea.”</p><p>“Hmm?”</p><p>“We don’t have to be be boyfriends. We could do all the fun stuff without any of the feelings.”</p><p>“Are you proposing a friends with benefits situation?”</p><p>He smiled. “I guess. It wouldn’t be monogamous, if we wanted too get with someone else, we could. We don’t have to do any boyfriend things, no flowers or dates. We’d just be friends… terms and conditions apply. It might help ease some of the sexual tension between you feel towards your friend.”</p><p><em>That would be a relief. </em>Sometimes I felt like I would explode if I didn’t grab his face and kiss him breathless<em>. </em>It felt impossible to bear, perhaps this would make it bearable.</p><p>“You want me to be your hoe?” I asked, incredulous.</p><p>He threw his head back and laughed. “I suppose. But I’ll be your hoe too.”</p><p>“I don’t… I’m not ready to have sex yet.” I thought this would change his mind, instead, he only smiled at me.</p><p>“Me neither.”</p><p>“Wait, really? I thought everyone was doing it.”</p><p>“Some people are, most people want to.” He shrugged.</p><p>“But in the changing rooms, the boys make it seem like…”</p><p>Dorian nodded. “Yeah, I know. Most of them are lying or exaggerating.” <em>Why am I so gullible?</em></p><p>“So we’ll just snog when we feel like it and eventually move on to other things?”</p><p>“If we’re ready.”</p><p>I smiled at him. “Alright, I’ll try it.”</p><p>He beamed. “That’s… I’m glad.”</p><p>On the walk back to my room I leaned on the doorframe, trying to digest everything that had happened.</p><p><em>I’ve got a hoe.</em> </p><p>
  <em>I’m in love with Achilles.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>When I first started writing this I considered making Dorian a catalyst for them to get their shit together but i then was like... nah. </p><p>Hello, (that sounds a bit ominous hehe) this fic is receiving so much love and it’s so lovely &lt;3&lt;3 y’all leave wonderful comments and I just realised this has nearly 300 kudos (wut-), so i was thinking i could do something extra? I would draw something but I can’t draw for shit. I could do a video edit or a lil mood board for each character or i could make them Instagram accounts? What do you think?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Ursula</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Unsure whether I wanted to laugh or cry, I snuck back into our room. My heart dropped when I processed the sight in front of me. Achilles and Deidameia were lying asleep, half naked, in my bed. MY BED!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p><p>Unsure whether I wanted to laugh or cry, I snuck back into our room. My heart dropped when I processed the sight in front of me. Achilles and Deidameia were lying asleep, half naked, in my bed. MY BED!</p><p><em>Calm down Patroclus. </em>I took a shaky breath, and then another; slowly my breathing calmed down. I felt cold all over as I looked at them. <em>Why did he have sex in my bed?! </em>They were lying apart from each other. Achilles hogged all the pillows and Deidameia had the blanket wrapped around her.</p><p>The smell was too much. I opened our windows and lit a cinnamon candle. I had unquenchable desire to fall to my knees and cry onto my jumper; he probably didn’t even think twice about it and here I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.</p><p>Goosebumps were forming on Achilles’s skin, he looked calm and unworried, <em>lucky fucker. </em>I found one of my fluffiest blankets and covered him up, he smiled softly.</p><p>I went in the shower and tried to be reasonable. I’d wash my sheets tomorrow, no, I’d make Achilles wash my sheets tomorrow. <em>Ok. I can do this. </em></p><p>Dorian, that’s good; healthy. <em>Right? </em>I’d never really considered myself a ‘friends with benefits’ kinda guy, but I was open to it. There wasn’t any chance I’d feel anything for him.</p><p>I was in way too deep.</p><p><em>I love him. </em>I loved his stupid face.</p><p>I didn’t just love his brilliance, his unexpected kindness, his blatant honesty and openness. I loved his rashness, his petulance and arrogance. I loved him devotedly. <em>Fucking fuck suckers. </em></p><p>I laid on his bed and felt a wave of exhaustion hit me. <em>All this has happened in one day?! </em>I let myself drift off to the smell of his shampoo.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>
  <strong>Achilles:</strong>
</p><p>Patroclus looked so sweet, I didn’t want to wake him. I did, however, want an excuse to jump on top of him. So I did.</p><p>“Wake up, buttercup.” I grinned down at him as he tried to shove me away.</p><p>“Fuck off.” He smothered himself with a pillow.</p><p>I pulled off his blanket, he groaned. “I hate you.”</p><p>I played with the edge of his top. “Wake up or I’ll blow raspberries onto your stomach.”</p><p>He made a meagre attempt to slap me away, I dodged him easily. He sighed and sat up. “You need to stop waking me up like that.”</p><p>I couldn’t push it too far, I jumped back into his bed; <em>shit. I really shouldn’t have had sex on his bed. </em>“Don’t wanna.”</p><p>He wiped his eyes. “So, did you have a nice night?”</p><p>I grinned. “Very nice.” He nodded in acknowledgement. “It was easier this time round.”</p><p>“That’s good.” He was still nodding, lips pressed together. “Why the fuck did you have sex in my bed?!”</p><p>I was taken aback, Patroclus was rarely angry. “I-” <em>was unreasonably livid at you and it would make my fantasies more evocative.</em> “I’m sorry, it just happened.” I didn’t tell him it was an accident, because it wasn’t, but I definitely didn’t think it through.</p><p>Patroclus sighed, running a hand through his hair. “You can’t just do that! You need to learn some boundaries.”</p><p>Hurt whirled within me. A part of me wanted to fight him, <em>it’s not a big deal. I’ll wash the sheets. </em>But the anguish in his eyes made my anger fade. “You’re right. I’m sorry poppet.”</p><p>He pulled my blanket up to his neck, <em>I’m not washing my sheets tonight. Is that creepy? I don’t care. </em>“Imagine I had sex with-” <em>don’t say Dorian, </em>“Dorian on your bed? How would you react?”</p><p>My stomach tightened. “Not. Well.” <em>That would drive me insane. “</em>I really am sorry.”</p><p>His features softened. “It’s alright, you horny bitch demon.” He rarely stayed vexed for long.</p><p>I chuckled. “So, what did you get up to?”</p><p>“I did a puzzle.” <em>Sweet. </em>“And then…” he smiled shyly to himself, “Dorian joined me.”</p><p><em>Keep a blank face! </em>“To help with the puzzle?”</p><p>A blush creeped up his cheeks. <em>This can’t be happening. </em>“Not exactly.”</p><p>I gripped the bedsheets. “What happened?” I sounded too strained, I coughed to cover it up.</p><p>Patroclus bit his nails. “We kissed.”</p><p>The ground seemed to leave me, I was trying to stay afloat on scraps of strength pulled deep from an unsteady world. “Hmm?”</p><p>“Yeah, it was umm, quite intense.” <em>ACHILLES YOU FUCKING IDIOT! </em>“But then I pushed him away.”</p><p>My eyes widened, I was standing on the edge of hope. “Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah. I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship.”</p><p>I exhaled loudly and fell down onto the bed, the world was shifting into place again. “That’s that then.” I smiled to myself.</p><p>“Well, not really.”</p><p>My head snapped towards him. “What?”</p><p>“I told him I didn’t want to be his boyfriend.” He was fiddling with my pillow. “And he thought it was because I wasn’t into it, but I told him that wasn’t true.” His words were rushed. “I was- into it.” </p><p>I gritted my teeth. “So… why didn’t you want to be his boyfriend?”</p><p>“I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him. He suggested a friends with benefits type situation.”</p><p>I sat up and blinked at him. “You’re his hoe.”</p><p>Patroclus smiled to himself, trying not to laugh. “He’s my hoe too.”</p><p>“You-you <em>can’t.</em>” I managed.</p><p>Patroclus leaned back. “Why not?”</p><p>“You’re Patroclus.”</p><p>Patroclus cocked his head to the side. “I’m aware.”</p><p>I tugged my hair. “You’re not – no offence – a casual person. I just thought you’d be like completely devoted to someone.”</p><p>Patroclus smiled sadly to himself, <em>I didn’t mean to offend him. </em>“I didn’t think I was the friends with benefits type either. But I’m trying to be open minded about it. It makes sense. I’d be a terrible boyfriend.”</p><p>“Oi.” I said, offended. “You’d be a wonderful boyfriend.”</p><p>He raised his eyebrows. “I don’t <em>want </em>to go out with him, ok? This arrangement makes sense. I thought you’d be happy, you’re always telling me I should be less of a prude. This will make me more comfortable with things, I can explore things.” <em>I don’t want you explore things with him! I’d rather you were a Buddhist monk. </em></p><p>“That’s that then.” <em>Gods, kill me now.</em></p><p>“I don’t want to have sex yet, is that weird?”</p><p>I felt an underserved thrill zip through me, <em>that’s one consolation. </em>“What? No. Not at all. You should only consider it when your ready.” <em>Preferably, never. Unless you decide that you want to fuck me. </em>“Is he pressuring you? I will fight him.”</p><p>“No, he feels the same.” He shook his head. “I think this is a good thing, loony.”</p><p>I hummed and laid back in his bed. This was so much better than a relationship, I wouldn’t be able to handle them being all lovey-dovey with each other. But Dorian gets to <em>touch </em>Patroclus. My breathing was ragged.</p><p><em>What of they develop feelings for each other? </em>I felt anxiety wrap around me, suffocating. There was a chance Patroclus wouldn’t fall for Dorian because Dorian’s a scoundrel. But how could someone not fall in love in Patroclus? How could someone kiss him and not drop on one knee with a ring? <em>Fuck, fuck, fuck.</em></p><p>I distracted myself by watching Patroclus change. I knew I shouldn’t, but he was <em>right there. </em>This growth spurt was a special form of torture, it haunted me. I watched his calves tense as he pulled on some trousers.</p><p>He was wearing black boxers, I wanted to squeeze his arse; I really, <em>really </em>wanted to. The muscles in his back shifted deliciously as he slipped on a top. I could never bore of the sight.</p><p>I looked away before he turned around to face me, it was a dangerous game, but I was good at it. “Ready for breakfast?” He asked.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>To my dismay, people had started to come back. Patroclus gestured to my usual group of friends but I wasn’t really in the mood to deal with them, we sat on a different table by ourselves.</p><p>It shocked me when I realised that I didn’t have to be friends with any of them. I only kept them along for the attention; not realising that attention from people who cared about you mattered so much more. <em>Look what you’ve done to me Patroclus, you’ve turned me into the bubbly protagonist from a hallmark movie.</em></p><p>A few minutes later, Dorian stood in the doorway sheepishly. He took a deep breath and went to the breakfast buffet. I was perfectly fine with letting him sit by himself but Patroclus waved at him. “Please no.” I moaned.</p><p>Patroclus glared at me. “I swear to the gods,” his voice was stern, “if you’re rude, you’ll regret it.” <em>That was hot. </em></p><p>Dorian’s shoulders slumped in relief when he saw us. He pulled a chair out and sat opposite Patroclus. “Thanks mate, I haven’t really got any friends here.” He laughed awkwardly. <em>You don’t deserve friends. </em></p><p>“Not true, I’m your friend.” Patroclus smiled amiably at him.</p><p>Dorian had relaxed slightly now. “I thought you were my hoe?”</p><p>Patroclus blushed. “Are you going to let that go?” <em>So that’s why he was trying not to laugh at me earlier. </em>I thought to myself, then I realised – <em>they have inside jokes. </em>I stared at my jam toast.</p><p>“Nope.”</p><p>They were looking at each other in a way that made my want to drown myself. I heard a loud squeal behind me and turned to see Briseis running towards Patroclus. I had never been so grateful for her presence.</p><p>She pulled him into a hug. “Bloody hell Patroclus, what happened?”</p><p>He pulled back, smiling. “What do you mean?”</p><p>She sat down and stole a piece of my toast. “You look hot Patty.”</p><p>“I look like a hot patty?” Patroclus’s lip tugged up.</p><p>“You know what I mean.” She rolled her eyes. “Who are you?” She asked Dorian.</p><p>He smiled at her. “Hi. I’m Dorian. I’m new”</p><p>She sat next to him. “Ok.”</p><p>“He’s my hoe.” Patroclus said, proceeding to sip his tea.</p><p>Briseis looked between them, eyes wide. “You need to tell me <em>everything</em> later.”</p><p>She turned to me, I put on my best annoyed face. “How was your holiday? Bitch.” She asked.</p><p>“Gave me a break from you, snot face.” I crossed my arms.</p><p>She rolled her eyes dramatically. “I would call you Satan, but it would be an insult to him.”</p><p>“Watch your mouth, or you’ll find yourself without a tongue when you wake up tomorrow.” I said.</p><p>“You going to sneak into my room? Pervert.” She was pouring an obscene amount of honey into a bowl of porridge, I respected that.</p><p>“That’s the first place your mind goes? Hoe.”</p><p>“I thought was the hoe?” Dorian whispered to Patroclus, irritatingly. I glared at him, causing Patroclus to kick me under the table.</p><p>“It’s kind of their thing.” Patroclus smiled.</p><p>“I would never have ‘a thing’ with such a prick.” Briseis said.</p><p>“Just like I would never have ‘a thing’ with such a brat.”</p><p>“They really hate each other huh?” Dorian said to Patroclus. <em>Who said he was allowed to interrupt my thing? </em></p><p>“I think they love each other really.”</p><p>Briseis and I gasped at the same time, gawping at him.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>Classes started again and Patroclus and I sat next to each other in every class. I was worried that he would feel bad for Dorian and adopt him, he sort of did; Dorian spent far too much time with us for my liking. But luckily for me, Hector was his roommate.</p><p>Hector was notoriously decent, he made a point of befriending Dorian and partnering with him if he couldn’t find anyone else.</p><p>I did my very best to keep Dorian’s stinking claws off Patroclus and so far, I was succeeding. Patroclus had dedicated a lot of time to swimming, he was determined to improve. We were absolutely obsessed with The Originals, so we spent most of our free time in our room.</p><p>Maybe it was because Dorian was trying to adapt to the place, making sure he was caught up with the rest of the year. I didn’t care, as long as it meant I was able to keep Patroclus to myself a little while longer.</p><p>If Patroclus told me to give him some space, I would have. Instead, he was just as attached as I was (I’m blessed). If he fancied me back, we’d probably merge into one person; how lovely.</p><p>Subtlety isn’t my forte, but I tried to give him small hints that Dorian was a dreadful person.</p><p>In biology, I leaned into to Patroclus’s ear, “he has terrible handwriting.” He kicked my shin and told me that I had bad writing too. Which was totally unfair, some people might say my writing was ugly, I believed it had character.</p><p>After swimming practise I grabbed him by the arm, “Dorian was watching you the entire time.”</p><p>Patroclus, to my horror, smiled. “I don’t mind.”</p><p>We were eating dinner when I whispered, “that’s his third course.”</p><p>Patroclus looked at me, pretending to be serious. “Are you worried for his digestive system? That’s sweet.”</p><p>He started coming to our dorm for short amounts of time, they were taking this whole thing very slowly, <em>thank fuck. Maybe it will help me build up a tolerance. </em>The three of us were doing homework, well, I was trying; but I was distracted by the way their knees touched.</p><p>A few hours later, Patroclus pressed a chaste kiss on his lips. I dropped my pen and stared. Dorian smirked and leant in, “kettle?” <em>What the fuck does that mean?</em></p><p><em>“</em>Please.” Patroclus shuffled up to the wall, they seemed to have forgotten I was there. <em>I should let them know,</em> but the thought was light as a feather and I my curiosity blew it away.</p><p>Dorian wrapped his despicable legs around Patroclus’s wonderful body. <em>He’s not allowed to do that! </em>Except he was, I was the one who wasn’t allowed to do that. Patroclus looked at me, “I know you said I could bring Dorian round but is it bugging you? Distracting you?” <em>It’s very distracting indeed. </em></p><p>He was looking so sincere and I couldn’t be selfish with him. I clenched my jaw, “if I’m allowed, you’re allowed.” <em>Stupid, stupid, stupid! </em>Fair.</p><p>He smiled at me, “well, alright then.” <em>I should’ve have told him I needed to concentrate on maths, </em>but he looked so… happy.</p><p>Dorian used lanky fingers to push Patroclus’s head towards him, Patroclus’s eyes lingered on me slightly before he looked at Dorian. Planting a kiss on his nose. <em>Lucky fucker. </em></p><p>A better person would’ve left, or at least put in some earphones and ignored them. I was not a better person.</p><p>As much as their kissing revolted me, - my stomach twisted uncomfortably and there was a shooting pain in my forehead, - I felt bewitched by it.</p><p>I’d imagined what it would be like to kiss Patroclus, too many times to be healthy, but there he was: kissing someone. I felt a swirl of desire. It wasn’t the most passionate thing I’d ever seen, but it was <em>Patroclus.</em></p><p>If I focused enough I could almost block out the sight of Dorian altogether. Patroclus’s head was pressed against the wall, Patroclus’s hands grabbing somebodies top, Patroclus groaning. <em>Wait, what?!</em></p><p>Dorian, <em>the shittiest fucking fuck bucket in the history of fuck buckets, </em>had starting kissing down Patroclus’s neck. Patroclus had his head tilted up and Dorian was sucking his collarbone, <em>no. No. This cannot be happening. THAT’S NOT ALLOWED. FUCK. </em></p><p>My palms were sweaty as Patroclus let out a deep growl from the back of his throat. <em>That sound is permanently etched in my mind. </em>Patroclus’s head snapped towards me and for a moment we just stared at each other, the sound was playing in my mind like a song. <em>Shit, now I have another problem. </em></p><p>I tried to the most unsexy things I could think of: Agamemnon, red faced, having a shit; my mother and father conceiving me; Mr Shue doing the thong song dance. <em>Yep, that worked. </em>Patroclus whispered something to Dorian. <em>Why are they whispering?!</em></p><p>It was like collapsing from a ten minute plank when Dorian climbed off Patroclus. <em>Why is his breathing steady? Can he see Patroclus’s kiss-swollen lips? </em></p><p>“Bye Patrica, bye Achilles.” <em>Oh so now he’s Jack Whitehall? You’re not funny Dorian, shut up. </em></p><p>After he left, Patroclus looked at me, apologetically. “Sorry, I didn’t mean for it to get like that.”</p><p>I groaned. “I know I’m affectionate towards Deidameia but I’ve never put on a porno on front of you.”</p><p>Patroclus blinked slowly. “We were just kissing.”</p><p>“You were not <em>just kissing.</em>” I needed to calm down.</p><p>“What else would you call it?” He was looking at me, amused. <em>He’s laughing at me.</em></p><p>“You moaned.” I narrowed my eyes, I tried to avoid looking at his tousled hair or rumpled clothes. <em>Mr Shue doing the thong song dance.</em></p><p>He blushed. “Yesterday I said Ursula had a sexy voice and you paused the film, rushed onto your bed and started humping it, pretending to be me, screaming “fuck my voice away sea monster! Wrap those tentacles around me and let me slither in!”</p><p>I laughed, “that was funny, you almost had a heart attack.”</p><p>“I had to threaten to throw your honey out of the window to get you to stop.”</p><p>“Threatening my honey was a step too far.”</p><p>He sighed at me. “What I’m trying to is – I didn’t think you were a prude.” <em>Usually, I’m not. </em>“I knew that was too far so I stopped it, it just happens sometimes.” He shrugged and I gawped at him.</p><p>“What happens sometimes?” <em>Please don’t tell me that wasn’t your second kiss</em>.</p><p>“We get a bit carried away.” Patroclus started scrolling through his phone, completely unaware that my heart was beating so fast it made me feel sick.</p><p>“You mean-” Patroclus looked at me, raising his eyebrows, “you do this <em>regularly?”</em></p><p>He looked confused. “I thought you knew.” <em>Nononono. </em></p><p>“I didn’t.” <em>So stupid. How did I mess it? </em>“I’ve never seen any of... that.”</p><p>He blushed. “Well I’m with you most of the time, but we sometimes meet up when you’re busy training for one of your sports teams.” </p><p>“Right.”</p><p>“Why do you look like that? Why are you so salty about Dorian?” His gaze was curious.</p><p><em>Because he’s allowed to touch you, because he doesn’t understand what a privilege it is to kiss you, because you’ll probably have sex soon, because there’s a chance you’ll develop feelings for each other… </em>“because I’m scared he’ll hurt you. I don’t think he’s good enough for you.”</p><p>Patroclus looked a bit disappointed, he shook his head. “That’s silly. He’s plenty good enough for me and I know you want me to be careful, pointing out his annoying habits and whatnot. But he doesn’t have the power to hurt me.” His features softened. “You need to stop worrying, loony.”</p><p>I needed to be stronger. “Don’t be a nitwit, I’m always gonna worry about you. And I’m not going to like any of your boyfriends/girlfriends/hoes. I’m like that sexist dad who waits with a gun to threaten their daughter’s boyfriend, maybe I should grow a moustache.”</p><p>He chuckled and the tension seemed to dissolve from the room. “Ok, daddy.”</p><p>My eyes widened. “Patroclus, you naughty boy!”</p><p>“Are you going to punish me?”<em> Well fuck. </em></p><p>“You bet.” I threw a pillow at him as he was giggling into his hand.</p><p>He caught the pillow and hugged it, <em>adorable little munchkin. </em>I had a stupid idea. “Do you wanna maybe carry on that whole teaching you to flirt thing? But instead of lessons we just randomly flirt with each other, as friends?” <em>What the fuck was that? </em></p><p>His features contorted, <em>oh gods, he thinks I’m creepy. He’s figured it out. He’s going to ask to change roommates and never speak to me again. </em>“Are you WiFi?” He asked.</p><p>Snapped out of my thoughts, I muttered, “huh?”</p><p>“Because I think I feel a connection.”</p><p>I wheezed in relief. “That was terrible.”<em> He isn’t going to hate me forever</em>.</p><p>The overwhelming relief calmed down and I started to worry about this whole idea. <em>What if something goes wrong? What if I give it away? </em>Then I realised I could write most things off as good acting. <em>This would give me a safe way to flirt with him like I constantly do in my mind.</em></p><p>“I was thinking…” I raised my eyebrows at him, “you know because you’re in so much turmoil over Dorian.”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“We can watch Call Me By Your Name tonight, if you want?”</p><p>“That’s not even a question.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>“No. You were serious?!” We’d made a blanket fort and were huddled close. “He’s actually going to fuck it?” Patroclus asked me with wide eyes.</p><p>“When am I not serious?” I replied.</p><p>“Literally always.” He winced at the screen. “The noises. Achilles, I can’t.” He covered his eyes with his palm. “Can we skip it?”</p><p>I paused the film and stared at him. “No way. I love this part.”</p><p>“Why?! It’s disgusting.”</p><p>I laughed at him. “It’s not <em>that </em>bad.”</p><p>“Timothée Chalamet is fucking a peach. Right in front of us.” He pointed at the paused screen.</p><p>“It gets less gross the more you watch it.” <em>I should not have said that. </em></p><p>Patroclus grinned playfully. “And how many times have you watched it?”</p><p>I felt a blush rise on my cheeks. “I like the film.”</p><p>He poked me playfully, “how,” poke, “many,” poke, “times?”</p><p>I batted his hand away. “A few.” <em>I could flip this around. </em>“I was very intrigued by the concept.”</p><p>His jaw dropped. “You didn’t…”</p><p>I smiled at him. “It was a form of self discovery.”</p><p>“You fucked a peach!”</p><p>“Once. It wasn’t a success, my mother asked me why my bedding was all sticky; I just ran upstairs and we never talked about it again.”</p><p>He had his hand over his mouth, “you’re insane.”</p><p>“I’m charismatic.”</p><p>He shook his head, “just play the film.”</p><p>About five second later he burst out laughing, I looked at him in annoyance. “I’m sorry- it’s just-” he gestured to the screen and then to me.</p><p>It was one in the morning and we had school the next day, but I felt giddy all over; briefly forgetting the anxiety that had been eating away at me for the past few weeks.</p><p>“Stop laughing and watch.” I gave him a look of mock seriousness and he beamed at me.</p><p>Patroclus was snickering behind his hand the entire time, I hit him lightly. “Stop laughing or we’ll watch it again.”</p><p>He pressed his lips together, stifling a laugh. “You’d like that wouldn’t you.” <em>Dear gods I love you so much it hurts.</em></p><p>“Yes I would, now shut up or we’ll watch it on repeat.”</p><p>He didn’t seem to be listening to me. “You and Timothée Chalamet should start a club: Feeling Peachy. Preaching Peaching. Sticky Mickeys. Sticky Rickys.” He wheezed, “Sticky Dickies!”</p><p>“I will murder you.”</p><p>“You can try. I’d have to buy some peaches for defence; the ultimate seductress.”</p><p>“You think you’re so funny.” I was doing my very best not to laugh.</p><p>“I’m fucking hilarious.” His chest was shaking uncontrollably.</p><p>“Right. That’s it.” I wiggled my fingers at him and he sobered comedically quickly.</p><p>He was backing away. “Nononono, Achilles, <em>don’t</em>.”</p><p>I grinned at him. “You know what the best thing I ever learnt was?” He was shaking his head as he hurriedly left the fort. I grabbed his leg. “The best discovery I ever made was how ticklish you are.”</p><p>“I’m not-”</p><p>He to wriggle away as I tickled his leg. “Don’t lie to me.” He tried to push me away as I moved my hand to his stomach.</p><p>He was giggling uncontrollably as I tickled him. “Stop,” giggle, “I’m,” giggle, “sorry.”</p><p>“You had your chance.” <em>I could never bore of this.</em></p><p>We were tipsy on laughter when someone banged the wall, we broke away from each other in shock. “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Someone shouted from another room.</p><p>We both burst out laughing and the fairy lights flickered on Patroclus’s hair as we gripped each other, trying to stop our shaking chests.</p><p>“We’re so fucking annoying.” Patroclus cackled.</p><p>“Annoyingly brilliant.” That line did not deserve the laugh it caused. We clutched each other closely and I forgot about love and Dorian and school, drunk on pure joy and silliness.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Patroclus: https://c0sm0nauty.tumblr.com/post/642209798081904640/patroclus<br/>Achilles: https://c0sm0nauty.tumblr.com/post/642209820008710144/achilles<br/>Briseis: https://c0sm0nauty.tumblr.com/post/642209840340631552/briseis</p><p>Mr Schue dancing to the thong song is the least arousing thing I could think of.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Spot</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ten seconds later my eyes snapped upon. Wait a minute… my alarm never woke me up. I’d never even heard the sound of it before; Achilles woke me up every morning after his shower.</p><p>I turned to his bed and found it empty, covers thrown carelessly on the floor.  Maybe he’s gone for a run? I was about to ring him when the door flew open.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p><p>I woke to the aggressive sound of my alarm. It was an unusual sound and I felt disorientated as I fumbled for the stop button.</p><p>After turning the dreadful thing off, I fell back onto my pillow. <em>Nope. Not waking up. Ever. </em></p><p>Ten seconds later my eyes snapped upon. <em>Wait a minute… </em>my alarm never woke me up. I’d never even heard the sound of it before; Achilles woke me up every morning after his shower.</p><p>I turned to his bed and found it empty, covers thrown carelessly on the floor.  <em>Maybe he’s gone for a run? </em>I was about to ring him when the door flew open.</p><p>He was wearing a pink apron and there was flour coating his hair. He saw me looking at him, “<em>fuck!</em>” He swore.</p><p>“Well, good morning to you too.” I smiled questionably at him.</p><p>He closed the door behind him and walked over to me with a box in his hand. “How are you awake?”</p><p>I raised an eyebrow at him. “Alarm.”</p><p>He swore again and sat next to me, he smelled like butter. “I was going to bring you breakfast in bed.” He pouted at me.</p><p>“Because…”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Thanks?”</p><p>He placed the box on my desk, heaved a dramatic sigh and laid down by my feet. “Why couldn’t you have stayed asleep for two more minutes?”</p><p>I poked him with my foot. “Technically, I’m still in bed.”</p><p>He shot up. “That’s true. I haven’t ruined it.” <em>Gods, he’s so dramatic. </em>He passed me the box.</p><p>“This our breakfast?”</p><p>He nodded eagerly. “I made it.” He shoved the box in my hands. “Happy birthday poppet.”</p><p>I opened the box slowly and found a pile of pancakes, filled with Nutella and strawberries. They were oddly shaped and looked both burnt and undercooked at the same time. My sinuses burned, they were <em>perfect</em>. “But there was a tear filled apocalypse the last time you tired to make pancakes. How did you…?”</p><p>He jumped at the chance to tell me. “Well I woke up at three in the morning,” <em>bloody hell, </em>“because I wanted to be super prepared. I begged the cook to watch over me, I only managed to convince her because I got my dad to ask her; she didn’t touch anything though. I did it all by myself.” He said proudly.</p><p>“That’s amazing.”</p><p>He beamed at me. “I was so careful, it was excruciating. I spent an hour measuring everything. Cook Andino hates me even more now.” He placed some on a fork, with generous amount of chocolate. “Go on… try it.”</p><p>I took the fork from his hand and bit into one of the strawberry slices, covering my mouth out of habit. Achilles shook his head aggressively. “No. No. You’re not doing the whole self-conscience eating thing.” I frowned at him. “You’re eating this properly.”</p><p>“Feeling bossy today, I see.”</p><p>He rolled his eyes and grabbed my hand, <em>oh so lovely, </em>guiding the fork. “I’m not a child.” I grumbled.</p><p>I bit down, feeling the sweet juice burst in my mouth. There was chocolate dribbling down my chin, I licked it off.</p><p>Achilles was looking at me with hungry eyes, “wanna share?” I asked.</p><p>He blinked. “Uhh. There’s only one fork.” He pointed to it, as if I wouldn’t understand what he was on about. <em>He hasn’t had enough sleep. </em></p><p>“I’m aware.” I passed it it to him. “Here.”</p><p>He seemed to come back to himself then. “Thanks.”</p><p>We cleaned the plate of food, lying in my bed with full stomachs. “We’re not going to school today.” Achilles said.</p><p>“Yes we are.” I replied.</p><p>He pouted at me. “But it’s your birthday. We could go and explore the woods, I joined orchestra so dad won’t mind if I miss one day.”</p><p>“I’m not falling behind.” I smiled at him.</p><p>He sighed. “Nerd.”</p><p>Before I could throw a pillow at him, there was a quiet knock on the door. Achilles groaned whilst I said, “come in.”</p><p>Dorian walked in and sat at the foot of my bed. “Nice apron.” He told Achilles, I’m pretty sure he meant it as a compliment but Achilles threw it on the floor with a huff.</p><p>“Pick it up.” I sighed.</p><p>“I’ll do it later.”</p><p>“Do it now, and make your bed as well.”</p><p>“But why make it if I’m just gonna mess it up again later?” He raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“Stop acting like a child.”</p><p>“Stop acting like a mum.” He crossed his arms, I gave Dorian an apologetic look. It was embarrassing but I enjoyed jesting with him about menial things.</p><p>“Maybe if you weren’t such a terrible roommate-”</p><p>He gasped. “I’m the <em>best </em>roommate.”</p><p>Dorian was munching a packet of peanuts as the scene unfolded. I narrowed my eyes at Achilles. “There’s blond hair all over the shower tiles. You shred like a dog and never clean it.”</p><p>“I make pictures on the tiles. It’s fun.”</p><p>“It’s disgusting. Plus you piss everywhere except the toilet!”</p><p>He went bright red. “I do not.”</p><p>“Thought you didn’t lie. There’s piss all over the floor, and I have to clean it up, so the cleaners don’t have to deal with it.”</p><p>“That’s not true.” He stormed into the bathroom, Dorian offered me a peanut, I declined. Achilles walked back into the room, avoiding my eyes. “I didn’t lie, I just never realised.”</p><p>“I tell you constantly.”</p><p>“I thought you were joking!”</p><p>“Why on earth would I-”</p><p>Dorian nudged me. “Sorry to interrupt but you have about ten minutes before lesson one.”</p><p>“Oh shit, we have to go.” It was at this point I realised I hadn’t left my bed. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom, washing my face quickly. “What have we got?” I shouted.</p><p>“Chemistry.” Dorian shouted back.</p><p>“Slutbags!” I was brushing my teeth as I fumbled back into the room and found my uniform hanging up in my wardrobe. I gestured to Achilles’s floured hair and pink apron, he took off the apron and ruffled his hair, shrugging.</p><p>They were both laughing as I desperately looked for my shoes. “Stop laughing at me.” I tried to say, but it sounded more like <em>shwapwaffingame.</em></p><p>Achilles neck tilted back in laughter, “sorry, what was that?”</p><p>I glared at them, dorian pointed at his chin, “you’ve got toothpaste all over you.”</p><p>I ran back into the bathroom to spit it out, pouring a lid of mouthwash into my mouth. I was too busy thinking of an excuse for my chemistry teacher to be self-conscious. The only thing I could think of was: ‘the dog ate my homework’, but she hadn’t even given us any homework.</p><p>I shimmied my pyjamas off before going back into the bathroom to spit out the mouthwash.</p><p>I frantically gathered my books as I tried to do up my shirt buttons. I pulled on a jumper and forced my feet into my pointy black shoes. I grabbed my bag and stood at the foot of the beds. “Ready to go.”</p><p>I was half turned towards the door when Dorian said: “you’re not wearing any trousers mate.” He chuckled. “I’m not complaining.”</p><p>“Fuck.” <em>Where are my trousers? </em>They weren’t in the wardrobe, there was a pile of washing under Achilles’s bed. I bent down and rummaged through the clothes until I found them.</p><p>I jumped back up and shimmied into the trousers. Dorian was staring at me, red faced. “I just came in here to give you the jumper I knitted you for your birthday, now I feel the need to cleanse my soul of dirty thoughts.”</p><p>I felt embarrassment claw at me. “Shit.”</p><p>“You gave us a show.” Achilles said blankly, staring at his phone. “And we didn’t even have to pay.”</p><p>“You’re a prick. We have to go.”</p><p>Dorian downed the last of his peanuts and followed me out, Achilles picked up a pen from the side of his bed and joined us. “I think we should run.” I told them nervously.</p><p>Achilles shook his head adamantly. “No. I’m not running to class like a twelve year old. That’s a line I will not cross.”</p><p>“Fine, but we’re speed walking.”</p><p>We were walking down a large marble stair case alone when Dorian said: “I really did knit you a jumper, it’s yellow.”</p><p>I smiled at him, touched. “That’s really sweet. Thank you.”</p><p>“I’ve changed my mind.” Achilles announced. “I’ll race you to class.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>It was a month later, when I woke up to my alarm again. My head was groggy and my eyes burned as I hit the stop button.</p><p>This time, when I looked at Achilles’s bed, he was still there, hiding himself under the covers. “‘Chilles.” I groaned, he didn’t move.</p><p>I threw a pillow at him, “why are you still asleep?”</p><p>He mumbled something inaudible, I stumbled out of bed and prodded him, “<em>leave me alone!</em>”  He grumbled.</p><p>I was a little hurt, “don’t be rude, grumpy pants.”</p><p>He didn’t reply, so I went to brush my teeth. “We’re gonna miss breakfast. You never miss breakfast.” No reply.</p><p>After I was ready, I tried again. “Achilles come on. What’s wrong?” No reply.</p><p>I shook him. “<em>Achilles!</em>”</p><p>“Leave. Me. Alone.”</p><p>I sighed and tried to pull the blanket off him, he held on to it. I pulled harder. “Come on.”</p><p>I jumped on him and the shock meant I was able to pull the blanket down, he covered his face with his hands. “Don’t look at me.”</p><p>“What are you on about?”</p><p>“I’m <em>hideous.</em>”</p><p>I grabbed his wrists and pulled, he wouldn’t budge. I tried for a solid minute before giving up. “Just go to school and leave me alone.” He said.</p><p>“Nope. Not happening. Show me. <em>Please.</em>”</p><p>He sighed and slowly moved his hands. I snorted, he glared at me. “Shit sorry. It’s just… I thought something terrible had happened.”</p><p>His eyes were wide. “<em>Something terrible has happened!</em>”</p><p>I climbed off him and sat back in my bed, I couldn’t stay sitting like that for too long. “You’ve got a spot, loony.” I shook my head. “It’s not the end of the world.”</p><p>“<em>It is. </em>Three. I have three spots on my chin. I have <em>never </em>had a spot before.” He flung himself down onto the pillows. “Why is this happening?”</p><p>“Oh my gods. You’ve got a few spots.”</p><p>He glared at me. “I’m aware.”</p><p>“It’s really not a big deal, most kids get them. When I was thirteen my father made me go to the doctors, they’re loads better now but I still get a few now and again. It’s normal.”</p><p>This just seemed to make him despair even more. “I don’t get spots. How can I be divinely beautiful if I have acne?!”</p><p>“Number one: acne isn’t ugly. Number two: stop being dramatic, we can buy some spot cream. You’re sixteen, this happens.”</p><p>“Not to me. My skin has always been perfect and I’m pretty much grown, I missed out on the awkward ugly phase. Why is this happening?”</p><p>“You’re making me feel like shit about my spots.”</p><p>He seemed to calm down then, looking guilty. “No, you still look hot with spots, I look deformed.”</p><p>I blinked at him. “They’ll probably be gone in a few days.”</p><p>“Ok. It doesn’t have to be so bad, few days off school.”</p><p>“You’re joking.” I said.</p><p>“Am not.”</p><p>“Achilles you’re in a school full of teenagers. No-one’s gonna care.”</p><p>“They will.” He started looking at his chin with his phone camera. “Look at this,” he showed me a picture of the two of us from a few days ago and zoomed in, “look how clear it was, I didn’t realise how lucky I was.”</p><p>He started flicking through old photos and I snatched the phone from him. “Bad idea.”</p><p>“Why did this happen?”</p><p>“Have you been eating any differently, are you stressed?”</p><p>His eyes snapped towards me. “Stress causes spots?”</p><p>“Loads of things: hormones, chocolate, dairy, stress, a dirty pillow.” I listed them off on my fingers.</p><p>“How do you know all that?”</p><p>“Went through a phase when I was obsessed with it.” I hauled him out of bed. “C’mon, you’re going to class.”</p><p>“No. Please. Everyone will look at me.”</p><p>“No-one will care. If they say anything, I’ll beat them up.” I said in mock seriousness.</p><p>Achilles snickered. “I’d like to see that. But alas, you’d probably just give them your ‘I’m disappointed in you’ eyes which is much, <em>much </em>worse.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>I was hunched over the bin in RE, sharpening pencils, when Achilles walked over to me. “Why’re you over here? We’re learning about equality, you love that shit.”</p><p>I finished the last blue pencil and added it to the box. “Mr Hondros said he needed someone to sharpen the pencils.” I missed an equality lesson? <em>Damn</em>.  </p><p>“He could have done it.” Achilles pulled up a chair and started helping me, he actually liked these lessons, they gave him a chance to argue with people.</p><p>“He’s teaching.” I said.</p><p>“And you’re supposed to be learning.” He frowned at me.</p><p>I shrugged. Mr Hondros looked at me when he complained about the blunt pencils, I knew he wanted me to do it, so I volunteered. I was a bit frustrated but it was only one lesson.</p><p>Once we’d finished sharpening the pencils, Achilles shoved the pencil box into Mr Hondros’s hands, giving him a dirty look.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>In geography a few weeks later, Mrs. Kallis saw me and smiled. “Patroclus, honey, will you go to the IT room and find some iPads for my next lesson with the little ones?”</p><p>I packed up my booklets. “Sure.”</p><p>Fifteen minutes later, I was walking back to class carrying a pile of iPads under my chin. The stairs were never ending and strenuous.</p><p>“Boo!”</p><p>I screeched and dropped the iPads all over the stairs. “Fucking bitch nuggets!” The iPads had solid rubber cases but I probably damaged some of them. <em>Fuck. </em></p><p>I picked them all up as fast as I could and sat on the step looking at he intruder. “Mummy says it’s naughty to swear.”</p><p>I bit back a retort and wiped sweat off my brow. A little boy was standing in front of me, hands behind his back. “Why aren’t you in class?” I asked him with a smile.</p><p>“Needed a shit.” He laughed annoyingly after he said it.</p><p>“You shouldn’t swear.”</p><p>He pointed at me. “But you did.” He started walking up the stairs. “You’re a hippo-kite!”</p><p>I sighed deeply and followed him up the steps. “I’m sorry for swearing.” <em>Now let him go to his class so you can go to yours. “</em>Where’s your class?”</p><p>“1123.” He said proudly.</p><p>“You’re on the wrong side of the school.” His eyes widened and his lip trembled. “C’mon.” I said. “I’ll take you.” <em>I’ll have to catch up on geography after swimming.</em></p><p>OoOoO</p><p>Achilles was the source of most of my stress, but he was also the main relief. My days were long and laborious. I was terrified of the upcoming exams, I had to choose what I wanted to do with the rest of my life soon and I was so in love with my best friend that my heart never quite beat steadily.</p><p>I was tying to focus on the good things in my life: Achilles, Briseis, swimming, Dorian, art. But I couldn’t manage to stay positive all the time; I felt like I was about to collapse. <em>How much longer can I keep this up?</em></p><p>Friday nights were film nights, Achilles and I watched films all the time, but film nights were a whole ritual. Popcorn and blanket forts galore.</p><p>After helping the kid, it took ages to get back to geography. Mrs Kallis sighed when she saw me, “Patroclus, where’ve you been? We’re fifteen minutes into lesson six, we don’t have time for Kahoot now.” She tutted and I felt a blush of guilt.</p><p>“Sorry miss.” <em>You could have gotten the iPads yourself. </em></p><p>“Have you done the past paper due for today?”</p><p><em>Shit, shit, shit! </em>I’d forgotten about the homework and spent most of the night kissing Dorian in his dorm. <em>Trying to relieve stress has just caused more fucking stress.</em> “I forgot miss.” The entire class was quietly listening to our conversation with eager ears.</p><p>“I want that on my desk by tomorrow morning.”</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>Leaving that classroom was like leaving a cage with no air. I glanced at my watch and swore, I was late for swimming. I had to miss Prep every Friday for swimming sixth lesson, Mr Pagonis was going to be so mad.</p><p>I’d already missed the last two training sessions because Mr Pelides wanted me to show some guests around the school because Dorian had left me a ‘glowing review.’</p><p>All I wanted to do was find Achilles, run into his arms and cry onto his shoulder, pulling him as close as humanly possible. I could let everything else melt away as we talked and cuddled,<em> maybe we could make pancakes together. </em></p><p>Alas, I was running to the pool, tie askew and uncomfortably warm. I ran into the chlorine scented changing rooms and stripped into my trunks. <em>Shit, I forgot my goggles. </em></p><p>I threw my things into a locker and tried to calm down, I’d be able to swim soon, that always calmed me down.</p><p>I walked into the pool area sheepishly, Mr Pagonis was red-faced and frustrated, <em>fucking brilliant. </em>He sees me and smiles patronisingly, <em>I can’t believe I used to have a crush on you. </em>“Patroclus, glad you could join us.”</p><p>Briseis looked over at me, worried. “Hey Pat.”</p><p>I waved and walked over to Mr Pagonis, he ran a hand though his dirty blond hair and took a deep breath. “You can’t keep missing practise kiddo.”</p><p><em>I’ve only missed two practices. </em>“It won’t happen again sir.”</p><p>He shook his head in exasperation, <em>do not cry! </em>“Get in the pool, you’re not playing water polo with us today.”</p><p>“What am I doing, sir?” It was nice to feel the cool water around me, <em>if I cry now, </em>I thought, <em>no-one will notice.</em></p><p>“Laps.”</p><p>“How many?”</p><p>“Until I say stop, go.” So I did.</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>Four hours later I collapsed onto my bed. Then I thought about how Achilles had literally fucked someone on it and shivered. <em>I should have asked him to swap. </em>But that was months ago, it would be weird to bring it up now.</p><p>I’d missed dinner and my muscles were aching painfully. Achilles was in football practise so he wouldn’t be back for a while.</p><p>I rummaged through our snack drawer but found it empty, we’d eaten everything, <em>fuck. </em>I groaned into my pillow and kicked the bed.</p><p>“Woah, are you alright?” I looked up to see Achilles standing at the foot of my bed, a worried expression on his face.</p><p>“Topsy tipsy, call me Trixie.” I said sarcastically.</p><p>“Well, Trixie, will you tell me what’s wrong?” He sat on the bed next to me.</p><p>“Why aren’t you at football practice?” I asked.</p><p>“You weren’t at dinner.” He looked away. “I was a bit worried.”</p><p>I sat up and looked at him, <em>how are you so beautiful? </em>I nudged him playfully. “Aww. Were you worried I’d been kidnapped? Were you prepared to fight evil foes and be my knight in shining armour?”</p><p>“For you… <em>anything</em>.” He replied in a sultry voice.</p><p>That was a bit too much for me, my insides were a tangled mess of stress, love, frustration and want. “You’d look hot in armour.” I never had to lie when we played this game.</p><p>“You’d look hot in a princess dress.” He probably didn’t count it as lying, it was just acting to him.</p><p>I tidied the collar of his rugby jersey. “I’d look hotter out of it.”</p><p>He nodded solemnly. “Care to demonstrate?”</p><p>This game was surprisingly therapeutic to me. It allowed me, for a small amount of time, to talk to him as if he liked me back. <em>How sad, </em>I wondered, <em>that everything I wanted was so far away, yet I was playing with his collar. </em></p><p>We both broke out in a fit of chuckles. This is what always happened, I didn’t know what I’d do without the easing of tension. <em>Tension he doesn’t even feel. </em></p><p>“Ok.” Achilles said, “stop distracting me. What’s up?”</p><p>“I’m alright, really.”</p><p>He rolled his eyes. “Stop being annoying and tell me. Fuck toxic masculinity, FTS, remember? You have to tell me.”</p><p>He out his pinky finger and I felt my resolve crack. <em>Damn him. </em>I took his pinky in mine, “It’s just been a stressful day.” <em>Week, month, year.</em></p><p>He took a pillow and leaned against the wall. “Tell me everything.”</p><p>I felt tingly at his attentive gaze. “School is stressful, I’m a bit behind in everything.” He nodded, he already knew that. “And I made my geography teacher mad and then I was late to swimming, so I made my swimming teacher mad too. He made me do non-stop laps for fours hours and I’m starving and, <em>oh shit.”</em></p><p>“What’s wrong?”</p><p>“I’ve got to do a geography past paper due tomorrow.”</p><p>“But tomorrow’s Saturday?”</p><p>“Tribulations of boarding school.”</p><p>Achilles jumped up. “Oh!” He reached for his bag and pushed a plate of food in my hands, wrapped in cling film. “I brought this for for you.”</p><p>I reached forward and hugged him. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”</p><p>“You smell.” His heart was beating weirdly fast.</p><p>I unwrapped the food eagerly, swimming always made me ravenous. I was in a constant state of ravenousness then, constantly desiring the boy in front of me, I felt as if I was wasting away from desire. It was better to suffer on a full stomach though, I smiled stupidly at him.</p><p>“We’ll postpone film night to tomorrow.” He said.</p><p>“But you love film night.”</p><p>He opened his mouth to say something but held back, I was too busy eating to think much of it. He coughed. “I would do your homework for you but I didn’t take geography.” His face scrunched up adorably. “<em>Why didn’t I take geography?” </em>He muttered to himself.</p><p>He reached for my school bag, “I’ll do the rest of your homework.”</p><p>I gawped at him. “You don’t even do your own homework.”</p><p>He shrugged. “Then you can go to sleep really early and spend the rest of the weekend relaxing, we can walk down to your favourite café, if you want?” I nodded, overwhelmingly grateful. “You’ll get through the next month and then skiing!” He squealed.</p><p>I’d forgotten about the ski trip, I felt a childish elation rush through me. <em>How is it possible to feel so many emotions at once? </em></p><p>OoOoO</p><p>“Stop hogging all the strawberry sweets.” Achilles moaned.</p><p>“I’m not hogging all the strawberry sweets.” I replied, popping another one in my mouth.</p><p>He tried to reach for the packet, but I held it high, my hand hitting the bus window. “I can’t believe,” he stretched further, the seatbelt was digging into his neck, “I finally reached five foot eleven and you grew to five foot eleven and a half.”</p><p>He was leaning over me, <em>he’s gonna get them. </em>I poured the entire packet in my mouth. “No!” He squealed.</p><p>I giggled with my mouth full. “You shouldn’t have eaten all the Pringles.” I told him after I swallowed them all, my stomach was protesting my stupidity.</p><p>Achilles crossed his arms and sulked, “I did that on accident. You did this out of pure spite.” He turned away from me and put his earphones in.</p><p>“Achilles.” I poked him. “Achilles,” poke. “You can’t ignore me the entire journey.” He ignored me. “I’ll plait your hair.”</p><p>He turned around and took his earphones out. “Ok, <em>fine.</em>” His lip tugged up.</p><p>I parted his hair and tried not to let my fingers linger on the silky strands. “What are you thinking about?” He asked.</p><p><em>How I want to kiss you. </em>“Can a song ever be bad? Like that’s just an opinion right? Your favourite song might sound terrible to somebody else, therefore, it’s just perception, right?”</p><p>He started singing It’s Friday by Rebecca Black, the entire bus groaned in unison. Achilles chuckled. “Ok. Good point.” I said.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Dear Patroclus,<br/>Please stop keeping all your feelings bottled up, it doesn’t help anyone.<br/>Lovingly,<br/>Everyone xoxo</p><p>Dear Achilles,<br/>Kudos for making pancakes, I’m proud of you.<br/>A few spots aren’t the end of the world. <br/>Ps. You need to talk about your feelings too. <br/>Dearly, <br/>Everyone xoxo</p><p>Did you think I could write a long fic about a boarding school and not add in a skiing trip? I’m not that strong.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Dickish Honourability</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“What the fuck?” Helen asked.</p><p>We broke apart, red faced. “They do that all the time.” Dorian said.</p><p>“All the time.” Deidameia added, leaning against the wall and drinking out of the bottle.</p><p>“What the fuck?” Helen said again</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>HAPPY VALENTINES DAY LOVELIES!! &lt;3&lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Achilles:</strong>
</p><p>Patroclus was sleeping soundly on my shoulder. We had ten minutes before landing, Patroclus loved the landing, I shook him gently. “Wake up poppet.” There was drool on my top and I’m not sure I should’ve found it as endearing as I did.</p><p>He burrowed his head into my shoulder, <em>can he hear my heart? </em>I shook him again. “We’re about to land.”</p><p>He opened his eyes slowly, looking up at me. He jumped off me faster than I could say <em>ouch, </em>flattening his hair; it bounced right back up. I smiled to myself, <em>I’m completely smitten with you.</em> He gazed at me with worried eyes, I wanted to kiss the worry away.</p><p>“What’s going on with Deidameia?” He asked.</p><p>I looked over to where Deidameia was sitting on the plane, talking quietly to Menelaus. I shrugged. “Nothing, why?”</p><p>He ran his tongue over his upper teeth. “Do you think, maybe there’s something going on with them?”</p><p>“Really? I thought you’d know that boys and girls can be friends.” I looked over at them again, Menelaus was twirling a piece of Deidameia’s hair around his finger.</p><p>“Yeah, I know that.” He rolled his eyes at me. “It’s just… she spends more time with him than she does with you.” He gestured to them. “They’re comparing hand sizes for fucks sake.”</p><p>I frowned at him. “You think she’s cheating on me?” <em>I should feel angry, livid. I should stomp over to Menelaus and punch him in the face or something equally aggressive, that’s what men do in the movies. </em>Instead, I just felt a hum of amusement.</p><p>“I don’t think she’s cheating on you.” Patroclus said. “But she’s probably thinking about it.” He looked sorry for me, “there’s a chance she’ll break up with you soon.”</p><p>A faint flicker of frustration rose up in me, “Why Menelaus? I’m me. Menelaus is such a downgrade.”</p><p>Patroclus raised his eyebrows. “Menelaus sat by her on the plane. You barely spend any time with her loony.” <em>Because I’m always with you! </em>“And don’t be mean, it’s unbecoming.”</p><p>“Shut up Jane Austin.” I bit the inside of my cheek. “So, what you’re saying is that I need to stop spending all my time with you and focus on my girlfriend.”</p><p>Patroclus’s jaw clenched, he looked down. “No. That’s not what I mean.” He said quietly, then he swallowed. “I mean, if you want to have a girlfriend, you have to stop being a little shit. But if you’re acting like a little shit-if you don’t care that she’s flirting with another boy, maybe you don’t want to be her boyfriend.”</p><p>He looked up guiltily at me, <em>weird. </em>Before I could think too much into it, he smiled, “we’re landing.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>I opened the door to our room and climbed onto a bed, jumping up and down. “Double beds!” I announced.</p><p>Patroclus walked in, lugging his suitcase behind him. “Try not to break the bed.” He laid down on the other one, letting out a small sigh. “So comfy.”</p><p><em>Shit. I’m blushing. </em>I bounced off the bed and looked in the bathroom. “There’s a bath!” I ran back into the room to see Patroclus lying on his back with his eyes closed.</p><p>“That’s nice.”</p><p>“We can use bath bombs.” I sat on my bed.</p><p>He peeked through one eye, “you want to bath with me?”</p><p><em>I’d give up my right arm. </em>“Would you oppose?” I placed my head into my hands like a love-sick moron.</p><p>He placed his arms behind his head, <em>delicious. </em>“You can’t be mad at Deidameia for flirting.” <em>Our game’s over already? </em></p><p>“Why not?” I asked.</p><p>“Because you flirt with me all the time.”</p><p>“But that’s different.” I said. “It’s just a game.” <em>To my great despair.</em></p><p>Patroclus clenched his eyes shut. “I know that, but they could be ‘<em>playing a game’ </em>too. We’re both boys who like boys, you can’t be mad at her. Why don’t you just talk about it?”</p><p>“I’m bored,” <em>and confused and frustrated and afraid. “</em>Can we stop talking about Meia?” I hauled him out of bed. “Let’s go and find some glittery bath bombs.”</p><p>He smiled weakly at me. “Alrighty Aphrodite.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>“How come you get double beds?” Briseis complained, flinging herself onto my bed.</p><p>“My dad gave out the keys.” I said, pushing Briseis off the bed, she glared at me and sat back on my bed.</p><p>“The pillows are so soft.” Dorian said.</p><p>I strolled into the bathroom to turn Patroclus’s bath off, adding a blue bath bomb. “Your bath’s ready.” I shouted to Patroclus.</p><p>“I might have to sleepover.” Dorian nuzzled his face in one of Patroclus’s pillows.</p><p>“I wouldn’t complain.” Patroclus was lying on his chest. <em>I’m gonna be sick. </em></p><p>“I would.” I add.</p><p>Patroclus rolled his eyes. “Thanks for the bath.” He walked into the bathroom.</p><p>An uncomfortable silence blanketed the three of us. I didn’t care. “Right.” Dorian stretched and wiped down his clothes sheepishly. “I’ll be off then.”</p><p>“Bye.” Briseis waved at him.</p><p>She nudged me with her elbow. “Bye doorknob.” I said sarcastically.</p><p>He scoffed and shook his head at me when he left, <em>rude. </em>Briseis turned to me as soon as the door shut. “What the fuck was that?” She asked.</p><p>“What was what?”</p><p>She sighed. “You’re so mean to him, unnecessarily rude.” <em>Shit pants. </em></p><p>“I’m not particularly nice to anyone.” <em>Please don’t tell me she knows what’s going on. </em></p><p>“But you’re <em>particularly </em>nasty to him.” She narrowed her eyes. “Just like how you were particularly nasty to me when you first met me. Is it because he spends time with Pat?”</p><p>I shrugged, “shut up.”</p><p>She didn’t. “You only stopped despising my presence when you figured out there was no chance me and Patroclus were more than friends.” My palms were sweaty. “It’s a bit annoying that me coming out as ace made you realise that; I still have romantic relationships with people.”</p><p>“Oh fuck.” She was right, because of course she was. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>She waved me off. “Another time.” She looked apprehensive. “Achilles. Do you have a crush on Patroclus?”</p><p><em>She’s going to make me a liar. No, can think of a way out this. </em>“I think it’s very obvious I’m attracted to him.” Briseis chuckled; which irked me. “But I’m also aware that getting with Patroclus would be a nightmare, even if he did like me.”</p><p>“What do you mean?” She looked more curious than concerned.</p><p>“It’d probably be great at first. But how many school relationships stay together? I’m not delirious, I know that it’ll probably last a few months, a few years if I’m lucky. Then something will push us apart.” My heart was beating wildly, I was pulling words from fears I’d been too afraid to think.</p><p>“You could be lucky.” She said.</p><p>“I don’t… I couldn’t take that risk. It’s not worth our friendship. I don’t know what I’d do without him.” I kept my voice as monotone as I could. I wasn’t used to expressing my emotions with someone who wasn’t Patroclus.</p><p>Briseis didn’t look at me with pitying eyes, her words weren’t warm and consoling. I was grateful for that. “It’s not like you to be so careful, so anxious.”</p><p>“I’ve never cared about something this much before.” Her eyes flashed with surprise and I clenched my jaw.</p><p>I felt the depth of my words sink into my skin, into my bones; they planted themselves in the marrow and the realisation grew through me like sorrowful vines.</p><p>There was no way I’d risk our friendship for my stupid feelings. Even if my fantasies came true, what was the probability they would last? <em>I can’t lose him. </em></p><p>Briseis sighed, she sensed I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. “Anyway, you shouldn’t take your angst out on Dorian. He hasn’t done anything wrong.” <em>He exists. </em>“If you care about Patroclus, stop being a dick. Stop treating Dorian like shit when Patroclus isn’t looking, stop treating Deidameia like shit. Not everything revolves around you.”</p><p>Her words were like a slap in the face, harsh, brutal and honest. I didn’t when I’d started to hold Briseis’s opinion in regard but I respected her. <em>If you care about Patroclus… </em>“I’ll try.” I fiddled with the pillow case.</p><p>Briseis pressed her lips together. “Get your fucking shit together.” She slapped me on the back as Patroclus walked in, wearing a towel around his hips.</p><p>Briseis leaned into my ear. “You look like a wounded puppy.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>To nobody’s surprise, I was an incredible skier. Best in the class. The instructor, a burly man named Alias, loved me. “Brilliant Achilles. Everybody watch how he bends his knees.” He’d say, in a thick Swedish accent.</p><p>The days were long and laborious, Patroclus let out a long sigh when he took his skies off. “Oh my gods.”</p><p>I chuckled and hit him on back. “You alright.”</p><p>He glared at me, red faced and sweaty. “That was eight hours of pure torture.”</p><p>“It was fun.”</p><p>He rolled his eyes. “Nope. No endorphin fuelled positivity from you please.” He collapsed on the bench. “I want to lie down… and never move again.”</p><p>“So you want me to be miserable because you’re miserable?”</p><p>He stared at me. “Yes.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>Dorian was lying on Patroclus’s bed, <em>don’t be a dick. Don’t be a dick. </em>“What are <em>you</em> doing here?” <em>Fuck. </em></p><p>He sat up groggily. “Sorry mate, you have the best beds. Patroclus said I could come in here if I wanted.”</p><p>I didn’t reply as I walked into the bathroom to run Patroclus a bath. There was a harsh mirror above the sink. I peered into it and inspected my skin, there were a few small marks on my chin from where I’d picked at the spots.</p><p>I frowned and washed my face, it didn’t help. It was an odd feeling, to have something I didn’t like about myself, <em>is this how other people feel all the time? </em></p><p>They were invisible unless I looked really close. People had always called me arrogant, and I supposed that was true to some extent. But I never understood why humility was praised so much. There was nothing wrong with liking myself, Patroclus would benefit from a bit more confidence.</p><p>It wasn’t as if I didn’t deserve the praise I received. I was beautiful, strong, clever and talented, what good would come of pretending I wasn’t? People had always tried to impress me, not because of me, but because of their own insecurities.</p><p>I sat on the bathtub and watched as Patroclus walked into the room. He was the reason I had these spots, he was the reason I was stressed and he was the reason my heart seemed as heavy as the moon. <em>I’m strong, I can bear it. </em></p><p>Patroclus collapsed onto his bed, Dorian grunted. “You smell.” <em>Rude. No Achilles, don’t even think mean things. Why not? It doesn’t hurt anybody. </em></p><p>“You’re on my bed.” Patroclus was half on top of Dorian and my blood boiled.</p><p>“I can wake you up.” Dorian smirked at him.</p><p>Patroclus sat up. “I thought I smelled.”</p><p>“You’re all sweaty, it’s hot.” It was.</p><p>Patroclus smiled at him and I didn’t feel a scratch of bitterness, instead, I felt a whisper of gratitude. Dorian could tell Patroclus things I barely had the strength to hold back. I was relieved Patroclus could hear such words, even if I wasn’t the one saying them.</p><p>My moment of maturity was tested when Dorian flipped them around, sitting on Patroclus’s lap. He placed his hands under Patroclus’s shirt. They were kissing harder than before, more urgent. I felt as if I was plummeting to the ground. There was tongue and careless hands, <em>are they even breathing? </em></p><p>Dorian squeezed Patroclus’s arse and I stormed into the room. <em>Since when did they kiss like that?!</em> They didn’t hear me, I stomped harder. Patroclus was the first to break away, every muscle was tensed as I sat down. Patroclus swallowed, his chest was beating fast. “Shit. Sorry. I didn’t know you were here.” <em>Dorian did.</em></p><p>“I thought you were going in the bath.” Dorian said, clearly annoyed I wasn’t in the bath.</p><p>I couldn’t tell if I was angry or horny. “I ran you a bath.” I told Patroclus. “Purple bath bomb.”</p><p>“I can run my own baths loony.” He replied a high pitched tone. I shrugged, I liked doing it.</p><p>Patroclus was looking shifty, avoiding my gaze. I looked at him suspiciously, Dorian was still sitting on his lap, <em>why haven’t they moved. </em>“Shit. Have you…?” My face twisted.</p><p>Patroclus bit his lip and nodded slightly. <em>Do not look. Do not look! </em>We stared at each other for a while, I felt slightly mortified at the twist in my stomach.</p><p>Dorian burst out laughing, “sorry.” He covered his mouth, “it’s just so awkward.” He wheezed. <em>Moron. </em></p><p>Patroclus was clenching the sheets. “<em>Dorian.</em>” He clenched his jaw. “Can you stop bouncing on me please.” He wouldn’t look at me.</p><p>Dorian was trying not to laugh. “Shit sorry.” He hid behind his hands. “I would move but then Achilles would see.”</p><p>
  <em>The queen picking her nose, mouldy toenails, my father pissing…</em>
</p><p>Patroclus laid back on the bed. Dorian shivered. “Bad idea mate.”</p><p>I was staring at the ceiling, <em>I’m cursed. </em>Patroclus sighed. “Achilles, can you leave?”</p><p>My head snapped towards him, <em>bad idea.</em> “Why do you want me to leave?”</p><p>Dorian was sitting on top of Patroclus, <em>I would give my left leg to be in his position right now. </em>“Why do you care?” Dorian tilted his head to the side.</p><p><em>Think fast. </em>“I ran Patroclus a bath, don’t want it to get cold.” <em>What the fuck was that?</em></p><p>Dorian’s eyes narrowed. “You ready to take this any further?” He asked Patroclus.</p><p>Patroclus hesitated. “Uh-no. Not yet.”</p><p>Dorian nodded. “Ok then.” He pointed at me. “Turn around.” I didn’t, Patroclus looked at me with pleading eyes. I turned around.</p><p>My heart was beating painfully fast as I heard them shuffle around. “Fuck, this is so painful.” Dorian said.</p><p>“In more ways than one.” Patroclus muttered. <em>I wonder how they’re looking at each other right now. Stop obsessing over this, it’s weird. </em></p><p>“I wasn’t planning on showering twice today, but you can’t be too clean, right?” Dorian said tensely.</p><p>Patroclus probably shrugged, <em>he goes silent when he’s uncomfortable</em>. “See you later.” He said quietly.</p><p>Dorian said “bye” before shutting the door behind him. Patroclus ran into the bathroom.</p><p>I brought my knees to my chest. <em>What would have happened if I wasn’t there? </em>I dreaded the thought of it. It was inevitable. I buried my face into a pillow. <em>This is gonna give me another stress spot. </em></p><p>OoOoO</p><p>Patroclus was in the bath for two hours, he walked shyly into the room wearing fresh pyjamas and a towel around his shoulders. “Uh… hi.” I said.</p><p>“Hi.” He replied, sorting out his clothes for the next day.</p><p>“You don’t… it’s normal-”</p><p>He flushed, “I don’t want to talk about it.”</p><p>“Right, well, ok then.” I went back to my book had tried quiet my brain. <em>You ready to take this any further? </em>Dorian was ready to try something new. Patroclus hesitated. <em>Shut up! Shut up! It’s got nothing to do with you Achilles. He’s not yours. </em></p><p>I looked over at him and let out a long sigh, “what’s wrong?” He asked.</p><p><em>Everything. </em>“Ready for dinner?”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>To my disdain, our room turned into some sort of common room. “Dorian, why didn’t you go skiing today?” Helen asked sweetly.</p><p>Dorian was twirling Patroclus’s hair under his fingers. <em>Stop dirtying his hair! No, it’s comforting. Patroclus is smiling. This isn’t about you. </em>“I went skiing with my parents when I was little – not my thing.”</p><p>Briseis gulped some J2O, “why’d you come then?”</p><p>Patroclus looked at him, worried. Dorian didn’t seem to notice. “Oh, you know… snow and hot chocolate.” <em>He doesn’t know how lucky he is, touching Patroclus’s hair so casually.</em></p><p>Briseis pushed my feet off her lap. She was hugging Helen, <em>maybe I should text Deidameia. </em>“What do you do all day?” Briseis asked.</p><p>Dorian shrugged. “I’ve drunk a lot of tea, watched some tv, danced around. It’s been a blast. Oh and I think this boy has an eye for me.”</p><p>I was shocked at Patroclus’s lack of reaction, <em>he doesn’t care. </em>I smiled into my orange juice, putting my feet back onto Briseis’s lap. “Danced around?” Patroclus snorted.</p><p>Dorian leaned into Patroclus’s ear. “In my underwear.” <em>Fucking moron, you could catch a cold, you could give Patroclus a cold! Achilles, calm down. </em>“There’s no-one around.” He said to the group. “It’s very liberating.”</p><p>“So you don’t mind being by yourself all day?” Briseis raised her eyebrows.</p><p>“Nah, I enjoy it. But I don’t know if I’ll be spending my days by myself for long, I’m pretty sure this boy has a thing for me.” <em>Why would anyone- no. Stop. But he’s so lazy. Achilles no. “</em>But he’s always with his parents.”</p><p>“You’ll have to point him out.” Patroclus said. “Are you going to have a romance of longing glances and unresolved tension?” He poked Dorian playfully.</p><p>“You’re one to talk.” Dorian mumbled, Patroclus turned bright red. <em>Wait, what? Does Patroclus have a thing for somebody else?! Surely he’d tell me?</em></p><p>“Achilles. Stop kicking me!” Briseis lost her patience, shoving my feet away.</p><p>“I’m not kicking you!” I put my feet back on her lap.</p><p>“Your smelly feet are all over me<em>.</em>” <em>That’s just rude. </em>“You don’t have to take up all the space on the bed.”</p><p>“It’s my fucking bed!”</p><p>“Only because your daddy chose the rooms.” Briseis rolled her eyes.</p><p>“It still counts.” I crossed my arms.</p><p>Briseis sighed in exasperation. “You’re insufferable.”</p><p>Patroclus left his bed and jumped between us. “Nope.” He said. “Not in the mood for this. Achilles move your legs.”</p><p>“Your sitting on my legs poppet.” <em>It’s very distracting. </em></p><p>“If I get up, will you stop man-spreading?”</p><p>I desperately wanted him to sit on my legs forever. I needed him to stop sitting on my legs before I did something stupid. “Fine.” He moved away quickly, I felt cold.</p><p>“I propose a sleepover.” Helen said.</p><p>“I second that.” Briseis added, smiling at Helen.</p><p>“I’m guessing that sleepover would be in this room?” I grumbled.</p><p>“Our beds are lumpy.” Helen rested her head on Briseis shoulder.</p><p>Patroclus was on the brink of agreeing. He felt bad that we had the best accommodation. I knew it wasn’t fair, but I didn’t care. Patroclus had dark circles under his eyes, his movements had been tense these past few months, it broke my heart.</p><p>Year eleven was putting to much pressure on him, he put most of the pressure on himself; he took on too many unnecessary responsibilities.</p><p>Sure, a sleepover would mean I’d be able to sleep in the same bed as Patroclus, which I craved like water, but we had two weeks without the weight of school, I wouldn’t let Patroclus waste this opportunity. “No. Not happening. Everyone out.”</p><p>Patroclus narrowed his eyes at me. “Achilles…”</p><p>“Don’t be a dick chilly.” Briseis pouted at me. “What will you say if someone murders us in our sleep?”</p><p>“I’d thank them. Get out.” I kicked her lightly with my foot.</p><p>They all left begrudgingly, Patroclus let out a long sigh. He turned to me, a guilty look in his eyes, <em>his conscience is so fucking annoying. </em>“Thanks for that.” He tucked himself under the blankets. “You didn’t have to be so rude.” He was looking at me, his eyes lidded.</p><p>That pissed me off, everything seemed to piss me off then. I couldn’t stay mad at Patroclus though, one look at those eyes and I melted like a helpless ice cube in the sun. “Don’t criticise my methods. They work.”</p><p>He shrugged. “Maybe we’ll let them stay another night.”</p><p>“Doing what other people want isn’t kindness poppet.” I pulled the covers over myself. “You need to stick up for yourself.”</p><p>Patroclus closed his eyes slowly. “I’ve got you for that.” He mumbled.</p><p>
  <em>Well, spin me around and sell me on eBay because I’m pretty sure I just turned into a pile of goo. Fuck you Patroclus. How dare you stir my insides so ruthlessly. How dare you make me feel this way. I love you so fucking much. </em>
</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>The days slipped through my fingers like water; a hazy mix of aching limbs and cozy evenings. It was Christmas Eve and everyone had gathered in our room; <em>surprise, surprise. </em>My mother was annoyed that I wouldn’t be able to spend Christmas with her, but I begged her to let me come and she couldn’t say no to me.</p><p>I’d been on FaceTime with her for two hours, I ended the call and joined the group sitting on the floor. “Finished talking to mummy?” Briseis smiled at me.</p><p>I flagged her and eyed the array of alcohol around us. “How’d you manage to get this?”</p><p>“Briseis sneaked into the cellars and stole it.” Helen said in awe. My respect for Briseis was growing more than I’d like to admit.</p><p>“Dorian helped.” Briseis added, pulling Helen close. I wondered if those two were together yet, I’d ask Patroclus later.</p><p>Dorian raised a teacup to his lips. “Watch duty.”</p><p>“What’s with the tea cups?” I asked, twirling one around my fingers.</p><p>“For the alcohol.” Patroclus supplied. “Or tea.” He gestured to Dorian.</p><p>Deidameia arrived a few minutes later. “Hey.” I greeted.</p><p>She sat next to me and rested her head on my shoulder, her hair smelt like roses. “Hi. Pass me a teacup.” Helen gave her one.</p><p>I looked at Patroclus to find him looking at me, he offered a small smile, I smiled back. He looked away and I felt my heart sink. I pulled Deidameia closer and downed a mug of wine.</p><p>The sky blackened and the our movements slowed. “I’m just saying…” Deidameia announced. “Girls are hot.” <em>How did we get here? Is my girlfriend a lesbian? No, I’m pretty sure she’s not. </em></p><p>“Agreed.” Dorian said.</p><p>Patroclus shook his head, laughing, <em>oh so lovely. </em>“You’re gay.” He said, Dorian shrugged.</p><p>I patted Deidameia. “Are you,” my words were slurred, “a lesbian?” I eyed her quizzically. “Because I’d have to break up with you, if you were.” Patroclus slapped me lightly.</p><p>Everyone seemed to roll their eyes in unison. “I’m pan, Achilles.” Deidameia said. “I’ve told you this.”</p><p>“Shit. Sorry.”</p><p>She brushed me away, “no worries.” She looked at Helen and Briseis, a serious look in her eyes. “On purely aesthetic appeal, who is more attractive? Boys or girls?”</p><p>“Well, there are more than two genders.” Briseis said. “But out of those two, I’d definitely say girls.”</p><p>Helen nodded, “yep. 100 percent.”</p><p>I frowned at them. “That’s rude. I’m prettier than any girl.” I’d found myself sitting next to Patroclus, I turned to him in approval. “Tell ‘em poppet.”</p><p>Patroclus had a sly smile on his face. “Well, Helen is awfully beautiful.”</p><p>I gasped. “You don’t mean it!” I squared up to him. “Tell me I’m the most beautiful.” He shook his head, I tackled him lazily. “<em>Tell me.</em>”</p><p>His lip tugged up, I wanted to kiss it. “Nope.”</p><p>He didn’t bother to fight back as I pinned him to ground, a smug look on his face. “You will tell me.” I tried not to lean forward and ruin everything.</p><p>He flipped us over, I swallowed. He leaned in close, knees on my chest. “<em>Will not.</em>” He whispered. My breath caught at the look on his face.</p><p>“What the fuck?” Helen asked.</p><p>We broke apart, red faced. “They do that all the time.” Dorian said.</p><p>“<em>All the time.</em>” Deidameia added, leaning against the wall and drinking out of the bottle.</p><p>Helen looked between Dorian, Patroclus, Deidameia and I, her eyes wide. She looked at Briseis in confusion, “what the fuck?” She said again.</p><p>Briseis looked at me and I flashed a worried look at her. She shook her head so slightly I barely noticed. “I’ve got an idea.”</p><p>“We play truth or dare?” Deidameia asked.</p><p>Briseis narrowed her eyes. “How’d you know?”</p><p>“My supernatural cunning and expert wit.” Deidameia said blankly.</p><p>Briseis smiled at her, “who’s in?”</p><p>We all agreed except Dorian, who hadn’t consumed a drop of alcohol all night but seemed to match the energy of everyone in the room. “Can we just do truths?”</p><p>“Sure.” Briseis said. “I’ll go first, Helen ask me something.”</p><p>“What’s your most embarrassing confession?” Helen asked.</p><p>Patroclus leaned in, the embarrassment from earlier had faded. “You know all about embarrassing confessions, Mr ‘I fucked a peach’ Pelides.” He chuckled.</p><p>I pushed him away, “shut up. Someone could hear.”</p><p>Briseis cringed before she answered. “I went through major ‘I’m not like other girls’ phase a few years ago.”</p><p>“Because you read books and didn’t like makeup?” Deidameia jested.</p><p>“Precisely. 2015 Tumblr was my life’s blood.” She looked at Patroclus, trying to change the subject. “What do you like most about Dorian?”</p><p>Patroclus barely took any time to consider. “His voice.” <em>Why wasn’t I born in Sheffield?</em></p><p>“That’s because he fancies Alex Turner.” I told the group, Patroclus glared at me and I winked at him.</p><p>“Who doesn’t?” Dorian smiled fondly at Patroclus. <em>No. I do not accept this. Calm down! </em>I poured another mug.</p><p>“Me.” Helen said, Briseis snickered.</p><p>Patroclus turned to Deidameia. “Is Achilles good at sex?” He said quickly.</p><p>I blinked at him, he avoided my eyes. Dorian was snickering behind his palm. “As much as I don’t want to say this,” she said in a dry tone, “he is very, very good. Keeps improving too.” I laid back on my elbows proudly. “Although, I’m sorry for that time at the start of the year. I had no idea idea that was your bed.”</p><p>The blood drained from Patroclus’s face, I felt guilt balloon inside me, <em>what the fuck was I thinking? You weren’t. </em>“No worries.” His voice was small.</p><p>Helen gaped at us. “What does that even mean?”</p><p>“You don’t want to know.” Briseis told her. Dorian was having a fit of laughter and it was really pissing me off.</p><p>Deidameia turned to me, bored. “Have you got an ideal type? If so, what?”</p><p>An image of Patroclus flashed through my mind, making smiley faces on the bus window. I couldn’t say that. <em>I should probably say one of Deidameia’s traits. </em>“Brown hair.” Soft and wild as a bear. <em>Fuck. </em>Deidameia didn’t have brown hair. “I like brown eyes too.” Sweet as honey on a summer day.</p><p>I heard Helen speak quietly to Briseis. “Why didn’t he just lie and say red hair like Meia’s? Or freckles?” <em>I could have said freckles. </em></p><p>“He thinks it’s honourable to be a dick.” Briseis replied, Deidameia didn’t seem to notice or care.</p><p>I looked at Patroclus. “Weirdest turn on.” I needed something to hold against him, he seemed to win every argument with the mention of a peach.</p><p>I didn’t think he would admit anything in front of all these people, but I hoped he would. “Ponytails.” He was too drunk to care about everyone looking at him.</p><p>“That’s not weird enough.” I said.</p><p>He narrowed his eyes at me. “Rolled up sleeves.”</p><p>I wanted him to tell me more, I wanted to know everything. “Weirder.”</p><p>“Frilly white dresses.” We were only facing each other.</p><p>“More specific.”</p><p>“On the beach, wetsuit hanging over someone’s waist, sand and sun in their hair. Specific enough for you?”</p><p>I smiled at him. “Weirder.”</p><p><em>Why is he even still playing? </em>“Apples.” He blushed slightly.</p><p>My eyes glinted, “elaborate.”</p><p>“When someone eats an apple. Big bite.” He shrugged awkwardly. I took a mental note to eat more apples.</p><p>We turned back around to find everyone looking at us. <em>Why are they even here? </em>Helen shook her head. “So fucking weird.”</p><p>Before I could argue with her there was a knock at the door. “Ace?” <em>Shit. </em>“Let me in.” My father said in a stern voice.</p><p>I stood up unsteadily and felt dizzy. Everyone was swaying weirdly, <em>I’m going to be sick. </em>Patroclus picked up the empty wine bottles and hid them under my bed. “Shit.” He said, looking worried. I sent him a consoling glance and walked to the door.</p><p>“Hey dad.” <em>Keep your voice strong and your feet steady. </em>“Merry Christmas Eve.”</p><p>He narrowed his eyes at me. “Open the door all the way.”</p><p>I glanced back and found our mess cleared up, a cluster of teacups on the floor. They all sat around looking guilty. I took a deep breath and let my father in our room.</p><p>He nodded to Patroclus, eyeing the rest with suspicion. “What’s going on?” He asked Patroclus.</p><p>Patroclus was wobbly on his feet. “Christmas orgy.” He blurted. “Sir.” His hand slapped over his mouth. I burst out laughing.</p><p>My father’s mouth dropped open. “Patroclus?”</p><p>Dorian, the only sober one, stepped in. “Don’t listen to him sir. The slopes and lack of sleep are getting to him. He’ll be back to normal tomorrow.”</p><p>Patroclus and I stared at each other, trying not to laugh; Dorian shot us a frustrated glance. Everyone else was deadly still. “I hope so.” My father said. “We’re having dinner with my parents tomorrow.” </p><p>Patroclus sat on the floor and I could tell that he was contemplating banging his head onto the wall. “We’re just hanging out sir, drinking tea.” Dorian kept his face blank.</p><p>“The company has complained, apparently some wine has gone missing. Some very expensive wine.”</p><p>“Not us, sir.” Dorian supplied, I felt a snap of gratitude. “Maybe have a look in Agamemnon’s room, there were talking about it at dinner. Something about being ‘so pissed they couldn’t tell the difference between dicks and bananas, sir.” <em>That does sound like something they’d say. </em>“Although I’m not sure why they’d have their dicks out. Sir.” His lip tugged up.</p><p>“Don’t swear Dorian.” My father said.</p><p>“Sorry sir.”</p><p>“Well,” he said, looking around, “I’ll investigate this further tomorrow. It’s late, everyone who is isn’t Ace or Pat, leave.”</p><p>They scurried out of the room, holding onto the each other. My father walked up to me. “It was you, wasn’t it?”</p><p>I looked him straight in the eyes. “Yes.”</p><p>He nodded. “Be more subtle next time boyo.” Before he left, he pointed at Patroclus. “And get poor Patroclus off the floor.” The door closed with a click.</p><p>I crawled over to Patroclus, feeling like the air was lighter now that everybody had left. I collapsed next to him and we clutched each other, chests shaking with laughter. After a few minutes, Patroclus stopped and stared soberly at me. “Did I just say the word orgy in front of your dad?”</p><p>I nodded, wheezing. “And you gave me a few ideas for the next time we go to the beach.”</p><p>He groaned and put his head in his hands. I looked at my watch, pulling him close, heart beating like a feral thing. “Merry Christmas poppet.” </p><p>He smiled at me. “Merry Christmas loony.”</p><p>He fell asleep on my shoulder and the ground felt steadier.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Helen is a whole mood this chapter. I don’t know what’s going on either sweetie.</p><p>Briseis, thank you for telling Achilles to get his fucking shit together. I can’t promise he’ll listen but I’m grateful for the attempt.</p><p>Achilles, please stop getting annoyed at everyone and talk to Patroclus.</p><p>Deidameia, I apologise for putting you with Achilles, you deserve better. </p><p>Dorian, choosing to spend a ski trip drinking hot chocolate and dancing around empty corridors, I respect that.</p><p>Patroclus darling, I love you. </p><p>I know this was late but i wanted to post on Valentine’s Day.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Chlorine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He put his book down and sighed. “I really thought you and Achilles would be together by now.”<br/>I laughed, bitterly. “That’s not happening.”<br/>Dorian frowned. “He has a crush on you.” <br/>“Stop saying that. He doesn’t. He wouldn’t be able to hide it.”<br/>“He doesn’t hide it.” </p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: there’s a discussion about body image issues, if you’re uncomfortable with this, just leave a comment and I’ll summarise the scene for ya :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p><p>My hair was dripping onto my back and my legs were aching as I walked back to our room after swim practice. My legs always seemed to be aching then, <em>this better give me amazing thighs.</em></p><p>I heard mumbled voices when I reached the door. “You don’t even care.” <em>Deidameia?</em></p><p>“Would it matter if I did?” Achilles.</p><p>I told myself to leave, their argument was none of my business; my legs planted themselves stubbornly where they were. “<em>Yes. </em>This is what I’m talking about.” Deidameia sighed.</p><p>“What are you talking about?” Achilles asked.</p><p>“What’s my favourite colour?” Silence. “What are my parents’ names?” Silence. “What do I want to take for my A levels?” Silence.  “See. I couldn’t answer those questions about you either. We don’t work.”</p><p>“So you’re breaking up with my me?” <em>For fucks sake Achilles.</em></p><p>“We’ve been through this. Yes, I’m breaking up with you.” She was walking towards the door.</p><p>“Oh. Right. Ok.” <em>At least pretend to care. </em>Another (treacherous) part of me was pleased.</p><p>Deidameia sighed. “Talk to Patroclus.” I tensed.</p><p>This was the first time Achilles’s voice wasn’t monotone. “<em>What’s that supposed to mean?”</em></p><p>She walked out of the door, leaving him. </p><p>“Oh.” She said when she saw me. “Hi Patroclus.”</p><p>I felt a guilty blush paint my cheeks. “Are you ok?” I asked.</p><p>She looked away, considering. “I shouldn’t be. Your first breakup should be heart breaking right? But my heart is still perfectly intact.”</p><p>I smiled softly at her. “I don’t think that’s a bad thing.”</p><p>Her lips tightened. “Maybe.”</p><p>“You could use it as an excuse to binge on ice-cream and take a day off school?”</p><p>“Maybe.” I was used to Deidameia’s sarcastic comebacks, but she seemed too confused to keep up her usual persona. She looked up at me then. “Maybe I should have stayed with him, but it’s hard to be with someone who – well, you know.” </p><p><em>Now I’m the confused one. </em>“Know what?”</p><p>“He doesn’t...” she pursed her lips. “Talk to him.”</p><p>My head tilted to the side. “About what?” </p><p>She shook her head, smiling in unbelief. “See you later.” And then she was gone. </p><p>Achilles was biting his nails when I walked in. “Hi.” I said. </p><p>“Hey.” He said, not looking up.</p><p>I sat on my bad, my limbs sighed in relief. “You alright?”</p><p>“Yeah.” He said, irritated.</p><p>I reached for my maths homework. “You can talk to me, if you want.” </p><p>He clenched his jaw. “I’m going for a run.” And then he was gone. I put my head in my hands and considered if I could get away with screaming. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Achilles had the brilliantly stupid idea of going swimming with me. Swimming was one of the only athletic teams he wasn’t a part of, to his mother’s dismay.</p><p>“I don’t think that’s a good idea loony.”</p><p>He pouted at me. “Why not?”</p><p><em>Because the thought of you in swim shorts soaking wet is both a fantastical dream and a horrible nightmare. </em>“You’ll turn it into a competition.”</p><p>“You like our competitions. Don’t lie. Why don’t you want to go? You’ve done all your homework.” <em>Stupid. </em>“It’ll be fun. Let’s go.”</p><p>I clenched my jaw; I actually did want to go. <em>This crush doesn’t have to stop you from spending time with him. </em>“Yeah ok.”</p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Achilles stripped faster than I could blink. I was still taking my shirt off when he was standing in front of me, ready to go in sparkly purple swim shorts, <em>at least he’s not wearing speedos. </em>I glanced at his chest because I couldn’t help myself, <em>fucking fuck nuggets.</em></p><p>He sat on one of the benches and stared unabashedly at me as I changed. I tried to stifle down fears of inadequacy, but it was hard when Achilles looked like <em>that. </em>“Why are you staring at me?” </p><p>He’s shrugged. “I’m interested.”</p><p>A thought was nagging me, it slapped it away. “In what? You’re around half naked boys all the time.”</p><p>He grinned. “I know.”   </p><p>I shook my head at him. “Creep.”</p><p>“Everyone’s a creep, I’m just honest about it.” </p><p>“Let’s go, dipshit.” </p><p>We were walking to the pool and Achilles slapped my arm. I looked up in alarm. “What the fuck?” I slapped him back.</p><p>“Stop hunching.” He said. </p><p>I was used to walking around in swim shorts, it’d taken a while, but slowly the feeling that everyone was watching me started to fade. In swimming, nobody paid attention, all that mattered was how you swum, I liked that.</p><p>Except Achilles was looking at me, out of curiosity or intrigue I didn’t know. I changed in front of him all the time, I felt perfectly comfortable doing that, but walking next to him half naked in a cold tiled room was different. </p><p>I tried to straighten my shoulders, “shut up.”</p><p>He stopped walking. “Stop covering up with your arms.” He looked frustrated and I wanted to hit him, he didn’t understand what it felt like to be walking next to, well… Achilles. </p><p>“Why?” I asked. “So you can ogle me easier? Compare muscle sizes?” We were still in the changing rooms, my voice carried on the tiles. </p><p>His expression shut down immediately. “What? No. It’s just…” he ran a hand through his hair and I tried not to watch the way his muscles tensed, both out of bitterness and desire. “I don’t like the way you try to hide yourself. You should be showing off.”</p><p>I didn’t know what to say. “Well, <em>I’m sorry if I’m uncomfortable</em>.” I said sarcastically, trying to hide the stir of buried feelings. <em>You’re so ugly, it hurts to look at you Patroclus, </em>my father’s voice played though my head and I thought of ten year old Patroclus staring into a mirror with tear stained eyes. Hating the way my hand wrapped around my wrist and feeling helpless at the way my knees stuck out at odd angles. </p><p>Achilles’s brows furrowed. “I don’t get it.”</p><p>“Ok.” I tried to turn away, but he grabbed my arm. </p><p>“No. I mean… make me get it. Tell me why you hide yourself.”</p><p>I opened my mouth and found my voice had deserted me. I stared into his genuine, open eyes; always open. Always honest. “I’m not… I mean. Fuck.” I felt myself cave in. “Look at you.” I gestured to him, expected his to look smug, instead he looked troubled.</p><p>He hadn’t let go of my arms. “Come with me.”</p><p>He dragged me into the bathroom and we faced the mirror. “Show me? What’s wrong?”</p><p>He stayed completely silent as I swallowed the lump in my throat. I used to look at myself in disgust, but I realised – with a jolt – that I didn’t hate myself with the force I used to.</p><p>I brought my hand to my hair, “messy, looks unprofessional,” I assessed my reflection with a critical eye, like I used to when I was younger. I felt my eyebrows. “Too thick, unkempt,” My eyes. “Boring,” My nose. “Too wide.” </p><p>I could see Achilles whiten, still he did not speak. I brought a finger to my lips. “Too big, look swollen,” I touched my skin. “Too dark. Too light,” My shoulders. “Fine. Collar bones are too bony,” I lengthened my arm, the muscles had hardened. “Too long,” My chest. “Too skinny. Too soft. I don’t know.” </p><p>I looked to Achilles, I felt like I had splayed myself on a platter before him, all my ugliness raw to the eye. I felt myself shiver, wondering whether he would be disgusted by me, as if I’d shown him something he hadn’t already seen. <em>He would never do that.</em></p><p>Achilles eyes were shining. “Is that truly what you think about yourself?” I nodded slightly. “Shit poppet.” </p><p>He walked up to me, took a steadying breath and placed his hand in my hair. “What are you doing?” I asked.</p><p>“Shhh.” He said, quietly. “Your hair is wild, free. It doesn’t look unprofessional; it looks soft and rich,” I felt my heart patter as he brought his hand to my eyebrow. “Thick, luscious,”  His hand rested next to my eye. “Soft, lovely, enticing,” His ran a finger down the slope of my nose. “Adorable,” My breath caught as the tip of his finger hovered over my lips. “Soft, plump,” His eyes were hooded. “Perfect.”</p><p>He stroked the skin of my cheekbones, “not too light, not too dark. It’s your skin and it’s… beautiful,” His fingers fluttered over my shoulder. “Sturdy, powerful,” He lifted my arm with his hand. “Muscled, splendid,” His fingertips danced over my chest and stomach, I could feel he warmth of his touch, leaving a trail. “Slender, strong,” He swallowed and looked up at me, it felt as if he had exposed himself too.</p><p>“You know a lot of words.” It wasn’t butterflies in my stomach, it was a pack of hungry wolves. </p><p>He chuckled breathily and held my chin in his hand, he stared into my plain-lovely eyes and his breathing was shallow. “You, Patroclus Menoitiades, are exquisite.” </p><p>I couldn’t say how long we stayed like that, Achilles holding my chin staring at me, searching. His gaze darted to my lips and my heart jumped to my throat. <em>Is he going to kiss me? What would happen if he did? </em></p><p>I brought my finger to his parted lips. “Why?”</p><p>He drew back immediately. “Shit sorry. Got caught up. <em>Fuck.” </em>He was walking away from me and I felt like I’d been cracked in half. “It was the atmosphere, so romantic.”</p><p>I walked after him and mustered up a voice. “We were in the boys bathroom.”</p><p>He rushed to his bag. “Well then maybe it was just romantic on my end.” </p><p>“What? No, that’s not what-”</p><p>“You don’t have to feel sorry for me Poppet. My hormones are all messed up.” <em>What the fuck is going on? </em>He pulled on his top and shook his head. “It didn’t mean anything.”</p><p>I was trembling slightly but he didn’t look at me. “Right.” I said. “It didn’t mean anything.” I felt myself harden as he looked at me. <em>He doesn’t even realise the effect he has on me. </em></p><p>“Don’t be angry at me.” His eyes were wide. “It was stupid.” <em>Stupid. </em>He was speaking quickly. <em>“</em>I probably just miss Deidameia.” <em>Deidameia. He’s desperate. </em></p><p>I felt my emotions threaten to spill, to stain. <em>Too much. It’s too much. </em>“It’d be a disaster if we were together anyway.” I forced the words out with an awkward chuckle. <em>Seal the lid. Don’t let them spill, don’t let them stain. </em></p><p>He let out a harsh laugh, I couldn’t see his face. “<em>Disaster.” </em>He murmured.</p><p>The door shut behind him as I said “we didn’t go swimming.” The words were lost.</p><p>I sat on the cold wet floor and put my head in my hands, again. I felt both better and worse than I did before this endeavour. I didn’t feel disgusted by the way I looked. Achilles was always honest with me.</p><p>Achilles was always honest with me. </p><p>I took a stuttered breath. He felt <em>something. </em>I could see in his eyes that he felt something. He didn’t think it worth hassle though. He was only interested because he didn’t shag Deidameia anymore. I took another unsteady breath.</p><p>He pulled away because I made him think about what he was doing. I made him realise that kissing me was reckless and stupid, that he didn’t actually want to. Or, if he did, it wasn’t <em>worth</em> it. </p><p>I took another unsteady breath. <em>It didn’t mean anything. </em>Nothing had changed except for the certainty that my feelings were unrequited, the depth of them at least. This shouldn’t have been a surprise, if Achilles thought about me the same way I thought about him, he would have given in ages ago. I would’ve known it.</p><p>I inhaled deeply. He valued our friendship too much for a short-lived romance, <em>that’s a good thing right?</em> I exhaled slowly. <em>It didn’t mean anything. </em></p><p>I went into the pool and swam a hundred laps. <em>Keep it together Patroclus.</em></p><p>OoOoO </p><p>I couldn’t stop thinking about it, it didn’t make any sense. <em>No, it does make sense. You just want it to mean more than it did.</em></p><p>Achilles didn’t come back to the room until I was half asleep, “where’ve you been?” I asked sleepily</p><p>“For a run.”</p><p>“It’s been four hours.”</p><p>“I’m a good runner.” He was changing into pyjamas, quiet as a mouse. </p><p>“Achilles.”</p><p>He looked at me. “Yeah?”</p><p>“What’s wrong?”</p><p>He averted his eyes. “Go to sleep poppet.” A small smile, forced. </p><p>“What happened? Why did you…?”</p><p>I wasn’t looking at him, scared of his reaction. “I got caught up in it,” he said, “it was silly. You don’t need to worry about it.”</p><p>The flames of hope were blowing out. “Right. <em>Silly</em>.”</p><p>He sat on his bed, looking at me with vulnerably curious eyes. “Was it… would you like it to mean something?” </p><p><em>Shit he’s figured it out, our whole relationship is going to change. I can’t lose him. </em>I didn’t like lying to him, but it was better than losing him. “No.” I said steadily. “It was stupid.”</p><p>He walked into the bathroom, not even glancing at me. “That’s that then.” </p><p>I dreamt of rosy lips and soft fingers, colliding in a cold tiled room. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Nothing changed. I thought it would add an awkward tension to our relationship, a new strain. But it was exactly the same as before. We even still did the flirting game. <em>That’s because it’s all in your head, you idiot. </em></p><p>“You alright?” Dorian asked, we were doing homework in my dorm.</p><p>I looked up. “Yeah.” </p><p>He put his book down and sighed. “I really thought you and Achilles would be together by now.”</p><p>I laughed, bitterly. “That’s not happening.”</p><p>Dorian frowned. “He has a crush on you.” </p><p>“Stop saying that. He doesn’t. He wouldn’t be able to hide it.”</p><p>“He doesn’t hide it.” </p><p>I rolled my eyes, “shut up.” Those thoughts kept me awake at night and made me so anxious I felt like I would explode. </p><p>He raised his eyebrows. “<em>Make me.”</em></p><p>I smiled at him, wrapping my legs around his waist. “You’re worrying for no reason.” He said. “You’re both pining after each other and it’s quite funny from my perspective.” </p><p>I gripped his hair and leaned into his ear. “Shut up.” </p><p>I kissed his nose, “I see why he likes you,” Dorian hummed, and I kissed his lips. “But I don’t get why you like him, he’s a dick.”</p><p>I glared at him and my grip on his hair tightened. “Take that back.” </p><p>“Should’ve learned not to say that by now, huh?”</p><p>“He’s the most wonderful boy in the world.” I clenched my jaw. </p><p>“You call him a dick <em>all the time.</em>” </p><p>“You’re not allowed to say it.” I said, realising the idiocy of my words after I said them.</p><p>Dorian snickered, and my features hardened. “I’m sorry.” He said, pouting. “Forgive me?”</p><p>“Stop saying shit about him.” I knew I was being unfair but I couldn’t help the words that fled from my mouth. </p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>Satisfied, I started kissing him again. We grabbed each other and I starting trailing kissing downs his neck. He shivered. I carried on, smiling. </p><p>We grappled each other mindlessly. I lost myself in the sensation. I pushed harder against him, anything to distract me from thoughts of Achilles, to distract me from my worries. </p><p>I noticed something poking into my leg, I pulled back, trying to calm my breathing. “This is becoming a habit.” I said, chuckling.</p><p>Dorian rested his head on the wall. “Patroclus.”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>He looked at me nervously. “I’m ready to take this further.”</p><p>I avoided his eyes. “Yeah, I thought so.”</p><p>He swallowed. “Just wanted to let you know. There’s no pressure or anything.”</p><p>I scrambled off him. “Ok.” <em>Am I ready? </em>“If I change my mind, I’ll let you know.”</p><p>“Where are you going?” He asked.</p><p>“Have to get Achilles from dance practice. We’re gonna play some football.” I grabbed my things. “You can come along if you want?”</p><p>“Nah, sport isn’t really my thing. Can I stay in here until my dick calms down?” </p><p>I suppressed a giggle. “Sure.” I shut the door behind me. In a sudden spurt of confidence, I ran back into the room and jumped onto him. I gripped onto his shoulders and moaned onto his ear. “<em>Fuck. </em>That feels so good.”</p><p>He was shouting at me as I left, “you evil little shit.” </p><p>A flush had creeped up my neck and I ran out of the room, giggling. </p><p>Outside the dance studio, my embarrassment calmed down. A thought was bugging me. <em>Was I ready to go further? </em>I wanted to have sex but was I ready to have sex with Dorian? </p><p>Before I could stress the thought, Achilles strolled over to me. Wearing a tank top that haunted my dreams. “Hey you.” I smiled at him.</p><p>“You’ve been with Dorian.” He flung his arm over my shoulders. “You were snogging.”</p><p>“How on earth do you know that?”</p><p>He shrugged. “It’s glaringly obvious.” </p><p>He could read me too well, I wondered if he was just pretending that he didn’t know I had a crush on him. Perhaps he didn’t care. I shook the thought away. “It’s raining.” I said.</p><p>“Yay.” We ran to the pitch. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>The weeks were uneventful, there was a swim meet coming up, so I spent most of my free time practicing; a perfect excuse to avoid my problems.</p><p>They’d given us an options booklet. I had to choose my A-levels soon; four subjects that I’d have to narrow down again in two years. I had to choose the field I wanted to go into but I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. </p><p>“There are too many subjects.” I moaned, looking up from the sheet.</p><p>Achilles was flipping through the booklet, he stopped and rested his chin on his hands. “What’s your favourite subject?” I shrugged. “Art, right?” He smiled at the pictures on our wall.</p><p>I sighed and laid back on my bed. “Art doesn’t give me money.”</p><p>“Starving artist? That’s hot.” </p><p>I glared at him. “Not if you’re the artist.”</p><p>“I know it’s difficult to become a successful artist but I looked it up,” <em>I love you, </em>“and it’s easier to put yourself out there nowadays. You can post things online, or sell prints on Reddit.” This sounded appealing but I had to be practical, my father would probably cut me off at 18, parental services complete. </p><p>“So let’s say I take art, I’ve still got three more options.”</p><p>“You’re taking four?” He asked.</p><p>“You’re not?”</p><p>“Nah, too stressful. I’m gonna go for three.” His eyebrows were drawn.</p><p>“What three?”</p><p>“Well, my parents want me to do PE. They want me to go into elite sport.” His tone sounded strained. </p><p>“But what do you want?”</p><p>He laid on his elbows. “I don’t know.” He shook his head. “What about biology, you’re brilliant at it.” </p><p>I smiled shyly at him. “What would I do at uni?”</p><p>“Biology.” He said, then jumped up. “Or medicine!”</p><p>I snorted. “I’m not smart enough to do medicine. You need maths and chemistry for that anyway.”</p><p>Achilles gawped at me. “You idiot. ‘Not smart enough?’ you’re fourth in the year.” He stared at me, annoyed. “You dreadfully determined, if you want to do it, you’ll be able to.”</p><p>“How do you know I’m fourth in the year?” I felt tingly from his offhanded compliments. </p><p>“I nosed at the databases.” He said shamelessly. “It goes Penelope, Odysseus, Briseis, you.” He counted them off his fingers. He looked at me, assessing something. “No point fretting about this, let’s go and kick a ball around.” He dragged me up.</p><p>“You and your balls.” I muttered and he shoved his shoulder into mine, snickering. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Achilles had begged to be moved to my form class, and his father had given in. Which was why we were sitting next to each other in a sex ed lesson. “I didn’t know they did that here.” I said, trying to repress my nerves. </p><p>He pulled out the chair next to me, “PSE day, once a year from year eleven onwards.”</p><p>“Right.” I looked at the old white man at the front of the class, fiddling with the projector. Mr Ariti, my maths teacher.</p><p>“The last time we had one of these was in year seven, they separated the boys and girls to talk to the girls about periods.” Briseis said, we were sitting on a four-seater. </p><p>“They told us about masturbation and manly urges.” Achilles said. </p><p>Helen rolled her eyes, grabbing some snacks from her bag. “That’s so unfair.”</p><p>“Is this really annoying for you two?” I asked them.</p><p>Helen and Briseis smiled at each other. “Not really,” Briseis offered me a toffee, “everyone’s so awkward and the teacher is already so embarrassed.”</p><p>Achilles had a mischievous smile on his face, I glared at him. “Whatever you’re thinking, don’t do it.” I warned him in a low turn. </p><p>“Please do.” Briseis said, Achilles nodded at her. </p><p>“Right.” Said the teacher. “I’m here to talk about sex.” A group of boys at the front of the class whooped. <em>This poor man. </em>“Don’t be rude.” He pointed to the PowerPoint. “It’s around about that time when young people start to have sexual thoughts and I’m going to help guide you through them.”</p><p>I slumped down in my chair, Achilles had his head in his hands, listening intently. <em>What’s he going to do? </em></p><p>The teacher took a long, trembling breath. “You probably know this, but sex is when the penis penetrates the vagina.”</p><p>Achilles’s hand shot up; Mr Ariti nodded at him. “So only men and women can have sex?” He fluttered his eyelashes and I felt like I would die of mortification, I also wanted to burst out laughing.</p><p>“I’m not entirely sure what you’re insinuating.” The blood had drained from the man’s face. </p><p>Achilles looked innocently at the old man. “I’m insinuating that other forms of sex also exist. What about anal? Or lesbian sex?” He smiled sweetly. “Is the only way to have sex with a penis and a vagina?” He made a lewd gesture with his hands, as if his words weren’t clear enough.</p><p>“That is the way it was intended.” Mr Ariti interrupted Achilles before he could pester him again. “It should be between two consenting adults, preferably married.”</p><p>Achilles didn’t raise his hand this time. “So I need to profess my love to the government before I can get off with someone else? That’s a bit stupid.”</p><p>“Young man, please refrain from asking childish questions.”</p><p>“If questioning something ridiculous is childish, I’ll take that as a compliment.” The entire class was laughing. I wondered how different the class’s reaction would be if Achilles wasn’t so popular. </p><p>I grabbed his sleeve, “calm down.”</p><p>“I am calm.” He said to me. “You always tell me that I’m obnoxious, I’m trying to put it to use.”</p><p>“Boys.” Mr Ariti shouted. “Be quiet.” I flushed and Achilles glared at him, placing a consoling hand on my shoulder. </p><p>“As I was saying,” the man grumbled, “now that we all know what sex is,” Achilles gritted his jaw but didn’t say anything. “We are going to cover consent.” <em>Please don’t say something sexist. </em>“Boys,” <em>stupid man, </em>“I understand it can be difficult to resist your urges.”</p><p>Achilles looked at me, <em>do you still not want me to say anything? </em>I glanced at Brisies’s crossed arms and raised my eyebrows at him, <em>they’ll speak for themselves. </em></p><p>“Girls, you can help the boys by taking away the temptation, take self-defence classes, make sure you’re careful.” He shook his head, <em>carry on, I dare you. </em>“Skirts are too short nowadays-”</p><p>“-that’s bullshit.” Deidameia, staring at the teacher with a look that made me want to run away. </p><p>“Excuse your language young lady.” He tutted at her. </p><p>“I will not excuse my fucking language.” Achilles and I were grinning widely at each other. “You’re actively encouraging rape culture in a class full of future politicians.”</p><p>“I am doing no such thing.” He was red faced.</p><p>“I’m going to ask my dad to hire a different sex ed teacher next year.” Achilles whispered to me.</p><p>“I think that’s a splendid idea.” I replied. </p><p>“Deidameia‘s really cool.” He said. </p><p>“I hate that you’re only now realising that.”</p><p>He frowned, “was I really that terrible as a boyfriend?”</p><p>“Yes.” Achilles was silent, considering.</p><p>The teacher told everyone to stop chittering and played us a video about tea and consent. It was surprisingly a lot more informative than what he’d said.</p><p>He nodded after the video, as if he’d done a good job. “Ok. Next we’re going to learn about protection.”</p><p>He gave everyone a banana and a condom, I wanted to hide under the table. Achilles chuckled. “My banana’s bigger than yours.” He put them next to each other. </p><p>“You’re such a child.”</p><p>“At least I can see a condom without going bright red.” He waved it in my face.</p><p>I glared at him. “It’s not the condom you dipshit, there are so many people in here.” </p><p>His playful expression shut down. “Most people feel a little awkward poppet, and everyone’s too focused on themselves to judge you.” </p><p>I sat up in my chair. “That’s true.”</p><p>I felt something hit my head,<em> a condom.</em> I looked up to see Helen and Briseis laughing at us, eating their bananas. “That’s for when you two finally get together.” Briseis winked at me and I rolled my eyes at her. </p><p>Achilles, visibly annoyed. “You’re not supposed to eat the bananas.”</p><p>“Actually, you are.” Said Helen sweetly, a clever glint in her eyes. “What else would you do with a piece of fruit.” </p><p>I couldn’t help it, I burst into a fit of giggles. Achilles whacked me, “shut<em> up.”</em></p><p>I whacked him back. “Don’t hit me.”</p><p>Achilles had a red tint to his cheeks, “let’s just do it.” He unwrapped the condom and slid it onto the banana in one smooth motion, smiling suggestively at me. <em>Fucking fuck buckets.</em></p><p>I gawped at him, he reached over, index finger on my chin, and closed my mouth. I fumbled as I opened the packet, I could feel Achilles looking at me. “Stop laughing at me.” I said.</p><p>“I’m not laughing at you.” He steadied my hand. “I find it weirdly endearing.”</p><p>“Why?” I looked up at those amused eyes. </p><p>“Couldn’t tell you.” He shrugged.</p><p>I tried to put the put the condom on the fruit with trembling hands but it just slid back up, I tried again; it didn’t work. Achilles took it off me, “let me help you.” He guided my hand and I looked up nervously at him, he smiled shyly at me. “There you go.” </p><p>He let go of my hand hesitantly. I looked up to see Helen shaking her head. “So fucking weird.”</p><p>The bell rang and Mr Ariti called to the class: “great job guys.”</p><p>On the way out, I heard Deidameia talk to the teacher. “Are you married sir?”</p><p>He narrowed his eyes. “Yes, why?”</p><p>She nodded solemnly, taking his hands and flashing him a pitying look. “Tell her I’m sorry.” With that, she left. </p><p>I hid my smile behind my hands. “So cool.” Achilles muttered.</p><p>OoOoO </p><p>It was the end of February when I woke up coughing. Achilles climbed onto my bed, gently putting another pillow under my head. I opened my eyes slowly. “Shit sorry.” He whispered. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.” He cringed.</p><p>I sat up slowly and smiled at those worried eyes. “No it’s,” cough, “fine.” Cough. The sun hadn’t risen. “What time is it?”</p><p>“Three.” </p><p>Waking up before your alarm is a dissociating feeling. “What are you doing?” Cough.</p><p>“You’re sick.” He passed me a cup of water and paracetamol. “I prefer strawberry Calpol but I know this is stronger.” <em>I love you, I love you, I love you.</em></p><p>“How on earth did you know I was sick before I did?” I pushed the blankets off me, then I pulled them back up.</p><p>“You were tossing and turning. I got up and checked your temperature, you’re too hot, <em>in more ways than one.</em>” He winked at me. “So I scoured the school for everything you might need,” he placed a stray hair behind my ear, “I found some clean bedding for after your shower. If you’re up for that.”</p><p>“How long have you been up?”</p><p>“A few hours.” My eyes widened. “I wanted to wake you but you needed to sleep. So I sort of just waited.” He shrugged. “How does a cold shower sound?”</p><p>I felt a rush of gratitude and fondness, “fantastic.” Cough.</p><p>He started the shower, passed me a towel and my lightest pyjamas. “You think you can shower yourself?”</p><p>“Perfectly capable, thanks.” I shook my head fondly at him. “I’ve probably just got the flu.” He helped me out of bed, not even flinching at my clammy hands. </p><p>“We’ve already showered together.” He grinned.</p><p>“Will you stop staying that?” Cough.</p><p>“Nope.” </p><p>My mind was foggy as he helped me into the bathroom. I stared at him expectantly. “I’m not going to leave.” He said, sitting on the toilet seat.</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“You could slip and die.” He deadpanned. </p><p>“I’m not going to-”</p><p>“-that’s how my great nan died, I’m not taking any chances.” He opened his copy of Carry On and crossed his legs. </p><p>I walked into the shower, fully clothed. Undressing behind the curtain, he took the clothes from my hand. Achilles’s presence felt like the most natural thing in the world as the cool water hit my back, I shivered. “No.” I said. “Cold showers are not for me.” Cough.</p><p>“It’ll make you feel better.”</p><p>I turned the temperature up. “Not worth it.”</p><p>After the shower, I wrapped a towel around my waist and Achilles helped me out. “No slipping on my watch.”</p><p>“This is mortifying.” Cough.</p><p>He flashed me a smile. “You’re loving it.” I was. </p><p>“Now, can you leave me to change by myself?” </p><p>He assessed me, considering. <em>He can’t be serious. </em>“Fine.” He said at last. “But I’m just on the other side of the wall if you need anything.”</p><p>“I’ll be sure to call for you if I die of overprotective friends.” </p><p>He laughed as he flagged me on the way out.</p><p>OoOoO </p><p>I never knew being ill could be so wonderful. I had been sick only once before; my father locked me in my room and only let me out to go to the bathroom. </p><p>Achilles did not leave my side, I told him this was stupid, he could catch the flu; he didn’t listen. We always spent a lot of time together, a possibly unhealthy amount of time. But I spent almost every second with him less than an arm’s length away whilst I was ill.</p><p>I thought he’d annoy me, or vice versa, but it was lovely. Always having someone to talk to about the most ridiculous things, anything that came to mind spoken freely; <em>almost </em>anything.</p><p>Briseis and Dorian, bless their wonderful souls, brought all the work I missed. Achilles fetched the food, always knowing what I would choose. </p><p>My movements were slow and my mind foggy, Achilles passed me dinner. “I feel like a pampered princess.”</p><p>Achilles flashed me a smile of pure, naïve joy. “Good.”</p><p>I rolled my eyes, feeling fuzzy, and spooned some mash into my mouth. For breakfast that first morning, Achilles had tried to feed me. I strongly declined.</p><p>Achilles rarely did his own laundry, (<em>will you just put it in with yours poppet?</em>) but he washed my sheets twice a day so I never had lie in sweat.</p><p>“How’s my darling invalid doing this fine day?” He asked, doing press ups on the floor.</p><p>“Do you have to do that here?” His t-shirt was sticking to his chest and I didn’t like the way my stomach twisted when I looked at him. </p><p>“Yes.” He said. “Can’t miss a workout.” He was doing crunches, eyes narrowed in determination.</p><p>“You could go somewhere else.”</p><p>“Not leaving you.” </p><p>I groaned at the sight of his red face and laboured breathing, smothering myself with a pillow to stifle desire. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>This lasted for a week. One morning I woke up with clear sinuses and a fresh chest. I looked over to Achilles. </p><p>He was drenched in sweat and coughing. “I’m the invalid now.” He laughed weakly.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Choosing A levels is stressful, I don’t even know how i want my hair, never mind what i want to do with my life lol.</p><p>The only thing I can remember from sex ed is this video: https://youtu.be/pZwvrxVavnQ</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Not Your Bitch</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He looked me up and down slowly and I wished I wasn’t wearing an old t-shirt rubbed sticky with Vicks. He poked my sensitive nose and I sneezed. My hair stuck to my forehead with sweat as Patroclus leaned in and whispered in a low voice: “you look like shit.” </p><p>I pushed him away and pouted, crossing my arms. </p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Achilles:</strong>
</p><p>Patroclus was the best nurse ever. I’d always been doted on when I was sick, but Patroclus was another level, all of his attention was devoted to me; pure bliss. </p><p>I don’t know which was better, Patroclus looking after me, or me looking after Patroclus. Parts of doting on him were a bit disgusting but it was a perfect excuse to wait on him without Patroclus feeling guilty. </p><p>I didn’t feel guilty, especially because Patroclus was enjoying himself. </p><p>There was music playing softly in the background and Patroclus had given me a notebook to doodle in. I’d never had the patience for drawing, but I gave it a go for Patroclus’s sake. </p><p>He showed me his sketch of Briseis, “that’s going on the wall.” I said, he smiled shyly in response. I frowned at him, assessing the wall. “Why aren’t there more pictures of me?” Cough. </p><p>“There are pictures of you.”</p><p>“There are seven, five of which are group ones.” This might sound like a lot, but there were over a hundred pictures on the wall.</p><p>He shrugged, then smiled. “That’s not true.” </p><p>“What do you mean?” I blew my nose, <em>ugh.</em></p><p>He pointed at a sketch of a hand, elegant and lean. “You.” He gestured to a picture of green eyes, streaked with brown. “You again.” An abstract painting of a boy dancing. “You again.” A thread of gold. “You see?”</p><p>I nodded. “That’s really beautiful poppet.”</p><p>He blushed. “What did you draw?” I cringed as he flicked through the notebook. “They’re all scribbled out.”</p><p>“They were shit.” </p><p>Patroclus frowned, then his shoulders started shaking and I knew what he’d seen. He threw the notebook at me. “Why the fuck did you draw dicks all over my notebook?”</p><p>I shrugged. “It just happened.” Suddenly embarrassed at my inadequacy, I tried to change the subject. “I’m going to make some tea.”</p><p>He jumped up. “No you are not. I’ll make the tea.”</p><p>I batted my eyelashes at him. “My saviour.”  </p><p>He rolled his eyes. “Why would I want to save someone who has five tablespoons of honey in their tea?”</p><p>I coughed and tried to lie seductively. “Because I’m a beautiful damsel.”</p><p>He looked me up and down slowly and I wished I wasn’t wearing an old t-shirt rubbed sticky with Vicks. He poked my sensitive nose and I sneezed. My hair stuck to my forehead with sweat as Patroclus leaned in and whispered in a low voice: “you look like shit.” </p><p>I pushed him away and pouted, crossing my arms. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Getting better was unfortunate, but inevitable. It took me three days longer than Patroclus, which he loved to gloat about. </p><p>Leaves had grown on the trees outside and the air was humming with warmth. Spring. “Madame Lykos wants you to come to ballet practice today.” I told Patroclus. </p><p>Patroclus dropped his book. “Why?” He had work strewn around him, desperately revising for exams that were months away. </p><p>I shrugged, highlighting a passage in pretty pastel colours, Patroclus had a wonderful stationary collection. “She just told me to make sure you were at our next practice.”</p><p>“And you didn’t think to ask why?”</p><p>“She shouted it as I walked out.” I looked at Patroclus’s watch. “Let’s go.”</p><p>“I don’t like this.” Patroclus said, dragging himself off his desk. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>“There’s our little star.” Madame Lykos squished my cheeks, I was a foot taller than her and she still managed to intimidate me. “And you brought young Patroclus with you too?” She smiled up at him. “Good.”</p><p>Patroclus was waved awkwardly. “Hi.”</p><p>Madame Lykos looked him critically up and down. “Why is he wearing that?”</p><p>He was wearing jeans and an oversized pink hoodie that had ‘not your bitch’ stitched into the material. It was my hoodie, I always bought them a few sizes too large because that’s how he liked them, “what’s wrong with it?” I asked her defensively.</p><p>“What are you wearing underneath the hoodie?” She narrowed her eyes.</p><p>“Uh-nothing.” Patroclus flushed; I raised my eyebrows at him. “The material’s really soft.” He whispered to me. </p><p>“Don’t you know what we’re doing today?”</p><p>“Not at all.” I said. </p><p>“Deidameia was supposed to tell you, she was the one that came up with the idea.” </p><p>Deidameia was sitting in the corner, she looked up from her phone. “Oops.” </p><p>“What are we doing?” I asked. </p><p>“We need to work on your lifts.” Madame Lykos said.</p><p>“There’s nothing wrong with my lifts.” I said, crossing my arms.</p><p>“Deidameia said you’re too rough. You’re too harsh with the girls, your fingers dig into them.” My knuckles were white.</p><p>“What’s this got to do with Patroclus?”</p><p>“Deidameia suggested we practise with him, he’s just as tall as you and Deidameia says that you two touch each other all the time, that you’d both be comfortable doing it.”</p><p>I looked over to her sly smile. “Did she now?”</p><p>“Can you take it Patroclus?” Madame Lykos asked.</p><p>Patroclus’s eyes were wide. “Yeah sure.” He said, fidgeting. “But I can’t dance.”</p><p>“You don’t have to dance, you just have to endure Achilles’s brutishness.” </p><p>I gasped, “<em>I am not-”</em></p><p>“But you can’t do it dressed in Jeans.” She interrupted me.</p><p>Deidameia stood up and passed Patroclus a bag of clothes. “Got it covered.” She said, I scowled at her. I bet she knew about my crush on Patroclus and was trying to torture me. </p><p>Madame Lykos nodded at Deidameia. “Good. Now change so we can get started.” </p><p>Patroclus scratched his head. “You want me to change here?”</p><p>“Yes. Hurry up boy.”</p><p>Patroclus walked to the corner and pulled off his shoes. There was a group stretching in the corner, staring at him, giggling. I knew they were watching him because Patroclus was beautiful, but he probably thought they were making fun of him.</p><p>I glared at them with an intensity that made them look away and walked over to Patroclus to cover him. </p><p>Deidameia wasn’t completely heartless, she didn’t give Patroclus tights, which would mean a dance belt and… <em>oh lord. </em></p><p>She’d given him black shorts and a tank top, “let’s get this over with.” He said. <em>Ouch.</em></p><p>Madame Lykos walked over to us and nodded. “Yes, he‘ll do.”</p><p>“Thanks?” Patroclus said. </p><p>She led us to a corner of the large room, “keep the lifts simple. Don’t break anything.” Then she left.</p><p>Patroclus and I stared awkwardly at each other. “We don’t have to do this if you’re uncomfortable, or if you’re busy with homework.” I scratched the back of my head.</p><p>He shook his head, “nah I’d just finished work for the day. I don’t mind.”</p><p>I narrowed my eyes at him. “We don’t need to do different lifts, we’ll just practise one until I’m not ‘digging my fingers into you’ or being ‘too rough’, which is, quite frankly, ridiculous. I do <em>not-”</em></p><p>
  <em>“Achilles.”</em>
</p><p>“Right. Yeah ok. We’ll do a split over.”</p><p>Patroclus gawped at me. “Split- ‘chilles I can’t do the splits.”</p><p>“I can. Wanna see?”</p><p>“I have seen. You were practicing non-stop in year 10 - ‘Patroclus, sit on my back.’”</p><p>I chuckled. “Oh yeah. Anyway, you don’t have to do the splits you nitwhack, just spread your legs.”</p><p>Patroclus raises his eyebrows. “Who do you think I am? I don’t open my legs for any pretty boy who tells me to.”</p><p>“You think I’m pretty?” I was distracted by the way his muscles popped out when he crossed his arms. “Ahh stop. We’re gonna be here all day.”</p><p>“Ok.” He said, suddenly determined. “What do I do?”</p><p>“We’ll go through it step by step. Stand in front of me.” This was going to be fine. I lifted people <em>all the time. </em>It wouldn’t be any different with Patroclus. </p><p>I walked up to his back, it was odd doing a lift with someone who wasn’t shorter than me. I took a deep breath <em>this isn’t any different. </em>I placed my hand on the back of his left thigh, he jumped away. “Fuck. Sorry wasn’t expecting that.”</p><p>“It’s alright.” I tried again, attempting not to think about it too much. Patroclus flinched. I moved my hand. “I’ve got to touch you for this to work.”</p><p>“Solid logic.” </p><p>He didn’t move this time. “This alright?” <em>Don’t look at his arse. </em></p><p>He nodded. </p><p>My right arm snaked around his waist; his muscles were tense. I switched my brain off. <em>No thoughts, head empty. </em>I placed my head next to his hip. “This is weird.” He said.</p><p>“Yes.” I tightened my hold. “Wrap your arm around my shoulder.”</p><p>He did.</p><p>“Now we have to plié together.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Just bend your knees and lift up.” </p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>“I’m gonna pull you up from your hamstring and you have to try and push yourself up over my shoulder.”</p><p>“How do we know you can take my weight?”</p><p>I slid out of the position and stared at him in exasperation. “You’re joking.” I felt like I could breathe, it was a relief; but I also wanted to clutch him again, closer and tighter. </p><p>“I’m pretty heavy, not a ballerina, and you’re very… lean.”</p><p>I scowled at him, flexing my biceps. “It’s all muscle baby.”</p><p>Patroclus cringed, “oh gods.”</p><p>“I could bench press you. Easily.” </p><p>“Alright.” He said, moving to stand in front of me. I went back into the same position. Half of my brain was screaming, <em>I’m gripping Patroclus’s thigh! I’m so lucky. </em>The other half of my brain was screeching, <em>danger! Danger! Abort! </em></p><p>I took a deep breath and told my brain to <em>shut the fuck up! </em></p><p>“1… 2… 3… go.” I tried to lift him up slowly, but he was shaking too much. </p><p>I’m placed him on the floor. “What’s wrong?”</p><p>His chest was heaving. “They make that look so easy. <em>Fuck.</em>”</p><p>“I know it’s scary but you have to trust me.” I stared at him. “Do you trust me?”</p><p>“Completely.” He didn’t hesitate.</p><p>I smiled at him. “I’ve got you poppet.”</p><p>We tried again, I didn’t tell him to straighten his back or point his toes. It was messy and he trembled slightly at the top, gripping me harder than I thought possible. </p><p>He landed on unsteady feet. “That was beginner?” He asked, incredulous.</p><p>I snickered. “Kiddie level.”</p><p>“<em>Damn.</em>”</p><p>“So… was I ‘too rough?’” I raised my eyebrows.</p><p>I expected him to say no. “Well…” he said, “I didn’t think it was too rough. But that’s only because I liked to know you were there. But I can imagine,” he pulled his shirt up and rubbed his waist, “how this could be annoying for someone who wasn’t scared shitless.”</p><p>His torso was red and sore from where my fingers had dug into his skin. “Shit.” My stomach dropped. “I’m so sorry.”</p><p>“Seriously, it’s fine.” He smiled to himself. “Let’s try again.”</p><p>We did it over and over again. I tried to detach myself, to focus on the logistics and go through the steps like a robot; but my palms were sweaty, and my heart was beating uncomfortably. </p><p>At the end of the class, Madame Lykos called Deidameia over. “Try it.” </p><p>I gave Deidameia a dirty look and she smiled sweetly at me. She was lighter than Patroclus and more elegant, it felt smooth and sleek, but I’d rather do it with Patroclus. I was acutely aware of my strength and tried to be as gentle as possible.</p><p>She landed softly, back straight. Deidameia nodded at the teacher. “Yes, better. But I think they should practice a few more times.” She grinned at me, “to be safe.”</p><p>“Very well, I’ll see you tomorrow Achilles.” Madame Lykos said. Then everybody left.</p><p>Patroclus was sat on the floor, shirt clinging to his chest. “I’m so dizzy.” </p><p>“You’ve been flipped like a hundred times.” My arms were aching, but I wasn’t going to admit that. </p><p>“Wanna switch?” He asked.</p><p><em>Yes. </em>“What’s the point?”</p><p>Patroclus shrugged. “I bet you secretly want to, but nobody can pick you up.”</p><p>I grinned at him. “And you can?”</p><p>“I may not be elegant, but I can pick you up.” </p><p>“Can you now?” I raised my eyebrows at him, there was music playing through the speakers. “Prove it.”</p><p>He stood up and moved forward, I stepped back. “What are you-?”</p><p>“Catch me if you can.”</p><p>I ran and - to my delight - he ran after me. I sprinted around the studio, there was no way he could catch up with me, but he tried anyway. </p><p>I twirled in the air and flipped to the music, just to show off. I let him get within arm’s reach before spinning away. Perhaps I was too cocky because he managed to cut me off and trap me in a corner. </p><p>Sure, I could’ve shuffled out if I wanted to, but where was the fun in that? He beamed at me before reaching forward and grabbing my arm. “Got you.” </p><p>I was breathing heavily. “What’re you gonna do with me?”</p><p>I squealed as he picked me up by my armpits, I looked down to see Patroclus grinning at me. I wrapped my legs around his waist because it seemed like the natural thing to do.</p><p>Patroclus’s eyes widened. <em>Shit. I’ve gone too far. </em>Then he smiled and spun me around. “WHOOP.” I shouted.</p><p>He placed me on the floor gently, causing my body to slide down his. “Fuck you’re heavy.” He said, wiping sweat off his forehead.</p><p>“Again?”</p><p>“Not today.” He picked up his bag of clothes. “Let’s go back to the dorm.”</p><p>I wanted him to pick me up, spin me around and never let me go. “Yeah, sure.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>“What’s a blowjob like?” </p><p>I spat out my tea and stared at Patroclus. “What?”</p><p>He was sitting in a pile of homework, biting the lid of a pen. “Did you not hear me?”</p><p>“I’m not sure I heard correctly, well that’s silly – I have <em>excellent</em> hearing.” I wiped the tea of my jumper. “Blowjobs are great, why?”</p><p>He shrugged, “was it what you were expecting?”</p><p>I lay down on my bed and rested my head on my hands. “I’m not really sure what I was expecting, but I liked it.”</p><p>“Ok.” He started doing his work again, there was a hint of redness to his cheeks.</p><p>A terrible thought dawned on me. “Are you thinking of doing that with Dorian?”</p><p>Patroclus gave me a small smile. “Yeah.”</p><p><em>CALM! CALM!</em> “You ready to go further?” I swallowed. Hard.</p><p>He nodded. “Yeah, I’m just-” he paused.</p><p>“What’s wrong?”</p><p>He looked at me, wide eyed. “I’m a bit scared.”</p><p>Part of me wanted to throw things and scream, another part knew that Patroclus needed a friend. Not an annoyance. “Why?” </p><p>“What if I mess up? What if I’m… bad?” He avoided my eyes.</p><p>The tone of his voice subdued my anger, I jumped onto his bed and looked at him, dead serious. “There is no way you could be ‘bad’. Even if one of you messes up or it’s awkward, you could just try again.” <em>Or decide that you never want to have sex with anyone who isn’t me, ever. </em></p><p>“I get that, but I still don’t wanna mess up.”</p><p>I wiggled my eyebrows, “I could help you practice.” </p><p>He shoved me away, “fuck off.”</p><p>We both chuckled, although I desperately wished that he would’ve taken up the offer. “Maybe you’re not ready?”</p><p>Patroclus shook his head. “No. I’m ready.” My heart dropped. “I just need to stop overthinking it.”   </p><p>“That’s a good idea.” I covered up my high-pitched voice with a cough.</p><p>Patroclus bumped his shoulder again mine. “Now move, I need to study.”</p><p>“Nerd.”</p><p>“You need to study too.” </p><p>I moved to my bed. “I’d rather not. What’s the point?”</p><p>“Good grades, good job.”</p><p>“That seems awfully dull.”</p><p>Patroclus shrugged. “Make the most of the system.”</p><p>I sighed heartily, “what if I want to be a musician? What’s the point of trigonometry?”</p><p>Patroclus raised his eyebrows. “You want to be a musician?”</p><p>“I’m considering it. I’m just too good at everything.”</p><p>Patroclus smiled at me. “I think you’d be an amazing musician.”</p><p>I was high off that compliment all day.</p><p>OoOoO </p><p>I ordered a caramel latte, extra whipped cream and strawberries. The staff didn’t question my culinary preferences anymore. </p><p>I sat on a plump blue sofa; limbs sprawled carelessly. The was wall was made entirely out of glass, looking out onto the pool. I searched for a familiar figure, more familiar than my own reflection. </p><p>Patroclus was waiting on the side of the pool, talking to Briseis. He slid into the pool at the teacher’s command – a lithe man with dark blond hair and temper. Patroclus admitted he had a crush on him once, it was two in the morning and we couldn’t sleep. I could see the appeal.</p><p>I felt proud as I watched him swim, so strong and sure. He’d come third in a meet last weekend; in September, they only let him go to the meet as a sub. </p><p>I felt the sofa dip beside me and looked up in annoyance. Dorian sipped a black coffee, “you alright?” He asked.</p><p>“Yeah. What are you doing?” I licked the whipped cream in a completely dignified manner. </p><p>“Drinking my coffee.”</p><p>“No shit.” <em>Don’t be a dick. </em>“Why are you sitting next to me?”</p><p>“We’re with each other all the time.” He smiled at me, I wanted to punch him. </p><p>“Because of Patroclus.”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>He didn’t move like I hoped he would. We both stared at the pool, drinking in silence. “I like your jumper.” He said. <em>What?</em></p><p>I was wearing purple jumper which had a picture of Marilyn Monroe and ‘<em>gentlemen prefer blondes</em>’ printed onto the fabric. “Me too.”</p><p>“Do you have a crush on Patroclus?” </p><p>I raised my eyebrows and tried to hide the way my heart was clenching. “Not a fan of small talk?”</p><p>“Don’t change the subject.” He finished the last of his coffee, “do you have a crush on Patroclus?”</p><p>“Why do you care?” <em>Just keep annoying him until he leaves you alone. </em></p><p>“Why don’t you tell him?”</p><p>“Why do you care?”</p><p>We looked at each other, I held his gaze. “You don’t like me.” He said.</p><p>“No. I don’t.” </p><p>“You don’t know me.” </p><p>“I know enough.” <em>Calm down Achilles.</em></p><p>“I don’t think it matters to you, what I’m like. I could be the most wonderful person in the world and you’d still hate me.”</p><p>“It matters.”</p><p>He considered this. “You spend almost all your time with him, he loves you more than anyone else in the world,” my breath hitched, “and yet, you’re jealous.”</p><p>“Shut up.”</p><p>“You’re jealous because he kisses me, because I kiss him.” He was baiting me. It was working. “Because we’re going to-”</p><p>“-this thing between you and poppet isn’t exclusive is it?” I interrupted him. </p><p>He looked taken aback. “No…”</p><p>“So in theory, I could hook up with you too.” I flashed him a blinding smile. </p><p>His face twisted in distaste. “I would never do that.”</p><p>I sat back. “Me neither.” <em>I just needed you to stop talking about Patroclus.</em></p><p>We sat in silence again, I had a chance to calm down. “Dorian?”</p><p>He looked up at me, surprised. “Yeah?”</p><p>“I-I’m sorry.” He blinked at me. “I don’t like you and you’re right – it has nothing to do with <em>you.</em>” <em>That was painful.</em></p><p>“Well ok then.”</p><p><em>What would Patroclus do? </em>“Did I ever upset you?”</p><p>He looked shifted uncomfortably. “A little, at first.”</p><p>I felt ashamed then. I’d let my pettiness hurt someone and was completely oblivious to anybody else’s feelings. <em>What would Patroclus do? </em>I held out my arms and leaned closer to him. </p><p>He hit my arms away. “What the fuck are you doing?”</p><p>“Hugging you.” I frowned at him. “Don’t you want a hug?”</p><p>He moved back. “<em>Dear lord, no</em>.”</p><p>I slumped back in relief. “Thank fuck.” I looked at his amused face. “No offence.”</p><p>We snickered, then I looked at him seriously. “This doesn’t mean we’re friends. I still despise you.”</p><p>“Oh, I know.” He rested his head on the back of the sofa. “I don’t like you either.”</p><p>Patroclus had left the pool to change. I thought of the changing room and cringed. <em>So stupid! </em>I had to stop thinking about it. “You know, if you do something with Patroclus?”</p><p>Dorian turned to face me. “Yeah?”</p><p>“You’ll be nice, you’ll listen to him and you won’t push him.”</p><p>“Yeah of course.”  </p><p>I hardened my features. “Good.” I shot him my most threatening glare. “Because if you hurt a hair on his head, if you dare-”</p><p>“Hey loony, hey Dorian.” Patroclus sat down, looking between us, confused. “What are you two talking about?”</p><p>“You.” I said. </p><p>Before Patroclus could ask anything else, Briseis sat on the chair next to us. “I’m starving.”</p><p>I jumped up. “I’ll go and get you both some snacks.” </p><p>Briseis looked at me in surprise. “Thanks.”</p><p>Patroclus looked cold in only a t-shirt. I took off my hoodie and placed it over his head, he smiled at me, sinking into the fabric. I only wore hoodies to swim practice so I could give them to him afterwards. </p><p>I looked at Dorian and he gave me the smallest, slightest nod.</p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Patroclus was fidgeting all day, sending coy glances to Dorian. I knew what was going to happen. When he didn’t come back to the dorm after maths revision. I <em>knew. </em></p><p>I convinced myself I was wrong. It was ten o’clock; I’d been throwing an apple and catching it over and over again, when my phone pinged:</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>SHIT. SHIT. FUCK. STAY CALM ACHILLES! </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>I paced around the room, footsteps loud and angry. It took all of my self-control not to barge into Dorian’s room and scream. I wanted to punch something, I wanted to hurt someone. </p><p>I was being too obvious. I was being too reckless. But I couldn’t think. My fists were clenched. <em>STAY CALM ACHILLES!</em></p><p>
  
</p><p><em>I should not have said that. </em>I didn’t want to know. I wanted to know everything<em>. </em></p><p>
  
</p><p>I wanted to cry and scream. I wanted to grab my hair and tear it out of my skull. I felt tears slide down my cheek. Fast and shameless.</p><p>I didn’t think as I climbed into Patroclus bed and hugged his pillow. I forced myself to stop crying because he would see. This was inevitable, it would happen again… and again. I had to be strong.</p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Patroclus shook me awake a few hours later. “Hey there.” He sat next to me. “Why are you in my bed?”</p><p>“Not thinking straight.” <em>I never think straight when you’re next to me. </em></p><p>“You can stay in here if you want? It’s nice and warm.” He ruffled my hair fondly and climbed into my bed. He let out a content sigh and I felt my heart lighten a bit. <em>This isn’t about you Achilles.</em></p><p>I turned to him. “So… how was it?”</p><p>He jumped up excitedly. “Amazing, why did I wait so long? Well, it was a bit weird but…” he collapsed back onto the bed, “I loved it.”</p><p>I smiled at him, “I’m glad poppet.” I was glad, despite the way my heart was clenching painfully and the realisation that I’d never be able to be with Patroclus ate away at my organs. “Are you going to do it again?”</p><p>“I hope so.” He looked at me and his eyes softened, “what have you been up to?” </p><p>“Nothing much.”</p><p>“Oh. Are you tired? You should sleep.” He was still smiling and I couldn’t feel bitter or angry, instead I just felt… sad. An overwhelming sorrow that seeped into my veins, mixed with guilt and shame and love and loathing.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I salute your patience. </p><p>Ps. I’m not a dancer, so I’m sorry if any of this is just plain wrong. I got all my information from random YouTube videos &lt;3&lt;3 </p><p>Which hopefully shouldn’t be a problem because we all know the internet is 100%, always, completely reliable. On that note, I’m a 600 year old vampire who sucks more orange juice than blood, crying over Adele because my mortal lover from the 1700s was killed by my arch nemesis; who I secretly harbour a soul crunching desire for. Ok I’m getting too into this, time to sell fairy wings for bread.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Everything Will Be Alright In The Morning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“How are you doing?” Dorian asked.<br/>“Don’t wanna talk about it.” I replied. <br/>“What about you Achilles? How are you feeling?” Dorian managed painful smile.<br/>“Like shit.” Achilles scowled.<br/>“Care to elaborate?”<br/>“No.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Look closely kids, watch as Patroclus’s bottled feelings and daunting insecurities start to slowly unravel his tight knitted sanity.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p><p>We ordered tacky LED lights and strung them around our beds. Achilles had started a record collection too. Almost every inch of our walls were covered, a small room filled with candles and plants and photos; stuffed to the brim with anything we could ever want. It was a welcome contrast to the bare corridors that echoed our footsteps outside.</p><p>Achilles turned the lights to red, that’s how he liked them. The sky was dark, and Taylor Swift played softly on the record player. “Someone laughed at my eyeliner earlier.” We were lying on our beds, staring at the ceiling.</p><p>I frowned. “Who?”</p><p>“I’m not sure. They were a group of little ones.” He shifted to face me. “No-one’s ever laughed at me before.”</p><p>I turned to him, my heart clenching. “They were probably just jealous they didn’t have the balls to wear it.” His brows were furrowed, “did you say anything to them?” I asked.</p><p>“I was stunned silent. I thought I looked hot as fuck.”</p><p>I turned to face to ceiling again. “You did.”</p><p>I could sense his smile. “Tomorrow I’ll do cat flicks.”</p><p>“In gold.” I grinned. </p><p>He chuckled, then shifted to a sitting position. “I found beer.” He tossed me a can.</p><p>I caught it, “where?”</p><p>Achilles popped it open. “The football coach keeps it by his desk.” He chugged half the can, then cringed. “That’s disgusting. I want wine.”</p><p>I sipped mine, enjoying the cold bubbly sensation. “I quite like it.”</p><p>“Weirdo.” He kept drinking it regardless. “How’re you feeling? Chemistry, biology, maths and art. That’s hardcore.” We’d had to choose our A-levels earlier that day.</p><p>I shivered. “I regretted it the moment my pen touched the paper, but alas…” I drank some more beer, “we’ll see if I’ll be able to get through it.”</p><p>“You’ll get through it.” </p><p>I’m not sure if I felt warm from his words or the alcohol, probably a mix of both. “Dance, PE, music and English lit. That’s pretty hardcore too.”</p><p>He shrugged. “Keeps my options open. It’s criminal that they’re making me narrow them down at all, but it’s better not to dwell.”</p><p>His laissez-fare attitude calmed me a little. “I can’t believe we’re going into sixth form. Our GCSEs start next week.” I said, disbelieving.</p><p>“Before we know it we’ll be wrinkled and dead.” He mocked. </p><p>I threw a pillow at him, “shut up.”</p><p>He hugged the pillow to his chest. “Where do you want to go to uni?”</p><p>“I’m not sure, a city hopefully. Endless faces and opportunities, like London or Edinburgh.”</p><p>“It doesn’t have to be in the UK.” </p><p>I’d never considered this. “True.”</p><p>“I’ll be there too though, right?”</p><p>“Of course.” I really hoped he wasn’t joking. “What do you want to do? After school.”</p><p>“I want to be great.”</p><p>I chuckled. “Great’s pretty overused, don’t you think? Alexandra the Great, Catherine the Great…”</p><p>“Well, it sounds a lot better than awesome. Achilles the Amazing, Achilles the Cool…”</p><p>“You chose shit adjectives on purpose. Achilles the Brilliant, Achilles the Incredible…”</p><p>“I could get on board with that, Patroclus the Wonderful.”</p><p>I melted. “Have you got anything else you want?”</p><p>Achilles looked at me, smiling to himself. “Too much to name.”</p><p>“Do you want to marry? Kids?”</p><p>“No.” Definite. </p><p>I couldn’t fathom why I was disappointed. “Why not?”</p><p>“Kids are gross. Maybe I’m not a romantic.”</p><p>I laughed. “That’s bullshit. Remember when Briseis baked Helen a cake that said, ‘will you be my girlfriend’ in pink icing and you cried.”</p><p>Achilles flushed. “You’re exaggerating.”</p><p>I remembered it very clearly, Briseis and I had stayed up all night making sure the cake was perfect – Victoria sponge and tiny daisies make out of sugar paper. Helen had looked like Briseis had hung the moon, hugging her so tightly I thought she’d burst. “Helen didn’t cry. You did.”</p><p>“It was so sweet; you can’t blame me.”</p><p>“It was sweet.” That’s all they talked about for a week, I felt giddy the entire time. </p><p>Achilles was eager to change the subject. “Do you? Want marriage and kids?”</p><p><em>I want you. </em>“Yeah. Eventually. Oh, and a rustic kitchen looking over a garden filled with flowers and bees and a pond. And the sun would streak through the shabby windows casting everything in a golden light and I’d have a brilliant tea collection. Oh, and all our cups would look massive in the kid’s tiny hands.” </p><p>Achilles grinned at me, “that’s very specific.”</p><p>“It’s just a fantasy.” </p><p>“Tell me more.” </p><p>“There’d be vines growing across the front of the house and Bri would visit all the time, even though she’d be busy with work and she’d tell me I’m too soft on the kids and I’d try to be stern but fail every time. And Dorian would knit them cute little jumpers, coming over because the kids will think he’s way cooler than me.”</p><p>“Where am I?”</p><p><em>Pulling me close, never leaving my side. Causing everyone to gag because we’re so smitten with each other. And Briseis would tell us, twenty years later, that we should have grown out of that phase years ago. But we’d just smile at each other, knowing we’d never tire of the other. </em>I coughed awkwardly. “Where’d you wanna be?”</p><p>“I’ll be there all the time, no matter how famous I get. I’d eat your cupboards bare and bitch about whoever you’re married too. I’ll grow old and bitter, but you won’t tell me to leave you alone because you’d feel bad. I’d know this, but I wouldn’t leave because you’d be all I had.”</p><p>I felt a wave of sadness wash over me. “Woah Achilles. That’s not gonna happen, you couldn’t annoy me. You’d probably forget about me in a few years. I’ll be pointing at the TV, telling everyone that I used to be your best friend, but they wouldn’t believe me.”</p><p>“I would never forget about you, <em>idiot.</em>”</p><p>“And you wouldn’t annoy me, <em>shit stick.”</em></p><p>He looked at me with wide, vulnerable eyes, “promise?”</p><p>I held out my pinky finger, he grasped it with his own. “I promise.”</p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Achilles was revising. </p><p>He’d had his head in textbooks for a week. This is, of course, completely normal for a teenager about to take their first big set of exams; but this was <em>Achilles.</em></p><p>“Are you worried? Nervous?” I asked him. It was eleven and he’d just finished writing a practice essay. </p><p>He looked up at me. “Not at all.”</p><p>He changed into his pyjamas as I said, “where did all this studying come from?”</p><p>“My arse.” Achilles didn’t bother wearing t-shirts to bed in the summer, I looked down at my work.</p><p>“<em>Achilles…”</em></p><p>He walked over to me and shut my book. “I don’t want you to worry about me not studying.”</p><p>For a moment I just gawped at him. “Oh.”</p><p>“Now, you’ve gone over this topic <em>four times-”</em></p><p>“How did you-”</p><p>“Going over it again won’t help. You know what will help?”</p><p>“Worrying myself into a state and strong coffee?”</p><p>He practically hauled me out of my chair. “A shower and sleep.” I tried to protest but he dragged me into the bathroom. “Don’t even think about studying after your shower. I’m not sleeping until you do.”</p><p>I sulked at him, “you bitch.”</p><p>“At this rate I won’t get my nine hours and we both know that if I have eye bags, <em>everyone’s </em>day will be ruined.”</p><p>I tried to rebuke but he’d outmanoeuvred me on this one. “At least leave while I strip.” I grumbled.</p><p>“No bedtime show?” He turned the shower on and found me a fluffy towel.</p><p>“I’m perfectly capable of-”</p><p>“Doing the bare minimum to look after yourself? C’mon I’m exhausted from all this work.” He grinned at me.</p><p>I smiled tiredly at him, “maybe if you stopped pestering me…”</p><p>“<em>Fine. </em>Fine, I’m leaving. But I won’t give you a show either.” He went to leave, trousers hanging low on his hips. </p><p>“I don’t want a show.” I replied. <em>LIAR! </em></p><p>Achilles flagged me on his way out.</p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Achilles didn’t jump on me, he didn’t stick a wet pinky in my ear, didn’t scream or shake me. “Patroclus.” He whispered, stroking my shoulder. “Time to wake up.”</p><p>It took me a few minutes to recover from sleep. “My alarm?” I asked, seeing that it was half past seven; I’d set my alarm for five am. </p><p>“Turned it off. You needed to sleep.”</p><p>I growled, “I needed to study.”</p><p>“You’ve studied more than Rory Gilmore.” He pulled me out of bed, he’d brought me toast and coffee. “You’ve still got 45 minutes before our maths exam. We’ve got plenty of time.” </p><p>I took a bite of the toast, feeling as if I shouldn’t be eating it, as if I had to do something for him in return. But I looked at his sunny face and realised that I didn’t owe him anything, he only wanted me to look after myself. No debt, no hidden motives. </p><p>“Thank you.” I said, and it felt wrong, too little. I couldn’t express the overwhelming sensation of gratitude and love, a rush of affection that made me uncomfortable, because I felt it returned. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Turns out I didn’t need to be sick for him to dote on me. During exam season, he would not leave me alone. I found it impossible to overwork myself. </p><p>I was talking to Briseis in the common room, because Achilles made me take a twenty-minute break after two hours work. “I think I’m gonna come out to my parents this summer, they’ve invited Helen to go to Asia with us, so that’ll help.”</p><p>“Oh my gods Bri, that’s wonderful.” I grabbed her hand, “you’re so brave.”</p><p>“If I was brave, I would’ve told them last year.”</p><p>“Bullshit. You tell them when you’re ready.”</p><p>“What if they’re disappointed? What if they think I’m weird or delusional?”</p><p>She rested her head on my shoulder, her hair smelt like coconuts. “At the end of the day, nothing they say can change who you are. You’re still a wonderful person, you’re still so smart it’s scary.”</p><p>“It could change how they see me, and you’re smart too.”</p><p>“I’m scared of failure, there’s a difference. This isn’t about me,” I sent her my most threatening look, “if they’re dicks, I’ll fight them.” </p><p>Briseis threw her head back in laughter. “Keep dreaming pat, you wouldn’t do that.”</p><p>“True. I’d get Achilles to fight them.”</p><p>Briseis sat up, “you are not letting Achilles anywhere near my parents.” She sighed, “speaking of, why aren’t you in your room kissing him right now?”</p><p>“Because we’re just friends Bri, you know this.”</p><p>“And you know nothing. Think about this practically, the way you two are with each other surpass ‘bro’ level friendship.”</p><p>“We’re just close.”</p><p>Briseis gripped her hair in frustration. “Open your eyes sweetie. Everyone with half a brain cell can see that he’s pining over you.” </p><p>Achilles waltzed into the room, flinging himself between us.</p><p>“Ugh, you oaf!” Briseis said, shoving his arm. </p><p>“What were you two talking about?” He puts his arms around both our shoulders.</p><p>“About how you two want to fuck.”</p><p>“<em>Briseis!” </em>I buried my face in my hands. </p><p>Achilles grinned at me, but I could see a slight flush on his cheeks. “Really? Is that what you said poppet?” His eyes were searching, and I felt a well of hope start to crack ever so slightly.</p><p>“That’s what Briseis was saying.” I could feel the heat of Achilles’s arm around me, so familiar and yet I could feel my heart in my throat. </p><p>“We all had to update our bets on when you two would get together earlier. We didn’t consider just how oblivious you actually are.”  </p><p>Achilles tensed, “you’re betting on this?” He gestured between us.</p><p>“Yeah, and the stakes are pretty high.” She smiled.</p><p>“Fucking morons.” Achilles was red faced.</p><p>Briseis rolled her eyes, I looked at Achilles. “Woah loony, calm down. It’s just a game.”</p><p>“<em>My feelings aren’t a game.</em>” </p><p>I gawped at him. Another crack. “What feelings?”</p><p>His eyes were wide. Briseis eyed us both. “I’m gonna be so pissed if I’m the reason Dorian wins.” She muttered.</p><p>“I’m just saying,” Achilles’s foot was tapping the floor, “that <em>if</em> there were feelings, you shouldn’t do that.”</p><p>“Are there feelings?” She asked innocently.</p><p>Achilles paled, “Don’t be silly, I’m just saying that’s a dickish thing to do.” <em>He didn’t answer the question. </em>Achilles checked his watch, “break’s over poppet.”</p><p>When we were back in our room, I decided to drop the subject. It was not the time to stress more about whether Achilles liked me back. He sighed loudly, “why does everybody think we’re together?” </p><p>I didn’t look up from my biology diagrams. “You really don’t know?”</p><p>“I wonder if it would be different if we were girls, is it only because boys aren’t usually so intimate with their friends?” </p><p>“That’s probably part of it. But just this morning you made me porridge and squirted honey in the shape of a heart.” I looked up to to his fierce eyes, searching. </p><p>“I was just being adorable.”</p><p>“We’re always staring at each other.”</p><p>“Ok yeah, I get it.” </p><p>“Does it bug you?”</p><p>He pursed his lips. “I don’t think so, but it’s none of their business.”</p><p>“They’re our friends.” </p><p>“They’re <em>your </em>friends.”</p><p>“That’s not true.” </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>I had been worried about my GCSEs since year seven, but there I was, four years later, and they were over. Done. A white woman with blonde hair and narrow lips came to collect my paper. The sun was streaming through the glass windows and I yearned to feel the warmth on my skin. </p><p>I had four maths exams, this was the last one – numeracy, calculator, 90 minutes, - it was my last GCSE exam <em>ever</em>. </p><p>I should’ve felt ecstatic or an immense sense of relief, but instead it was extremely anti-climactic. <em>What the fuck was I worried about? What was the fucking point? </em>So many wasted hours, I didn’t waste hours revising, I wasted hours worrying. </p><p>They dismissed us row by row. I watched the students with their clear pencil cases, hair pulled back, watches stripped from wrists. I saw their faces, gleeful. There were some people like me, anxious and shifty. <em>This is what I’ve been worrying about? That’s it?!</em></p><p>The invigilator dismissed my row and I stood up on shaky legs. My wrist was aching and my head felt heavy. I remembered a formula that I’d forgotten and felt like screaming. </p><p>I was playing this formula over and over again in my head, it was for a six mark question. <em>Stupid, stupid, stupid! </em></p><p>Achilles was waiting for me outside, he beamed when he saw me. He wasn’t worrying about answers he couldn’t change. <em>Why am I? What’s the fucking point? </em>Something happened then, something that had never happened before. I felt the tension ease. </p><p>I threw my arm around Achilles’s shoulder. It tugged at me, the worry. I wanted to give in. The anxiety was comforting, familiar. But there was nothing to worry about anymore. </p><p>I looked at Achilles… <em>well, nothing to do with school.</em></p><p>“How’re you feeling?” He asked.</p><p>“Alright, no point worrying about it now I suppose.”</p><p>He blinked at me, then smiled one of the largest smiles I had ever seen. “Exactly.” He pulled me closer, “c’mon let’s have some fun.”</p><p>I let the sun warm my skin, anger seemed to hum within me, <em>such a waste, </em>but it contrasted with a calm I had never experienced before, a peaceful clarity. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>I decided to invite Tobias to spend a few days at school with me. He’d be going away for the summer so I wouldn’t be able to see him then. I had spent some time with him in the Easter break, he’d invited me to spend some time with my mother’s side of the family.</p><p>There was a certain hollowness that always seemed to accompany me when I wasn’t with Achilles, but other than that staying with my cousins was lovely. </p><p>I found it overwhelming at first, but Tobias was always there to help me. He’s similar to me in some ways, reserved and bookish. Testing the waters before jumping in headfirst. </p><p>I didn’t see him often and I barely knew him. But I wanted to know him. I wanted to know the whole family. So, I decided to act on my idea, by inviting him to spend a few days at school before we left for summer break. </p><p>“Wanna go and kick a ball around?” Achilles asked me. </p><p>“Oh, I’ve arranged to meet up with Dorian.” <em>Watch his reaction.</em></p><p>“Sure, I’ll come with you.” He started leading us towards our corridor.</p><p>“I don’t think you want to.” </p><p>Achilles had become a lot more accepting of Dorian, when prepping for exams, he even encouraged it once or twice. But I watched as his jaw tightened and the arm on my shoulder tensed. “Want to relieve the last of that exam stress?” He teased.</p><p>“What are you gonna do?” I felt guilty leaving him to go to Dorian, especially now I had let myself suspect he liked me back. But sex always cleared my head and I craved it. </p><p>“I’ll go and kick a ball around by myself.” He was trying so hard to stay composed and I felt my heart tug. “Maybe you could join me after you,” he swallowed, “finish.”</p><p>“I could ask Dorian if he wanted to play football instead?” We were almost up to his door.</p><p>I could feel his heart beating in his wrist. “Dorian hates football.” He grumbled. “Don’t worry about me, just have fun.” He knocked on the door. </p><p>I had an overwhelming urge to kiss him, a feeling that always lingered but flared up at certain times. I wanted to pin him against the wall and <em>finally </em>feel his lips against mine. I want to press soft kisses to his cheek and his forehead and his nose. I wanted- </p><p>I shook my head, my thoughts seemed muffled, blurry. I could feel all my suppressed emotions hammering at my skull. Part of me <em>knew. </em>I knew I should’ve played football with Achilles. I should have talked to him and figured out what was going on. </p><p>Dorian opened the door, he looked kissable too. It wasn’t a burning sensation, but that was comforting to me. I needed a distraction. “Hey Pat, hey Achilles.” </p><p>“I’ve come bearing gifts.” Achilles hit me on the back. </p><p>“Thanks?” Dorian opened the door wider; Hector was out with the other boys. “Wanna come in?”</p><p>Achilles raised his eyebrows. “Cut the crap, I know you two are only meeting up to have sex.” I cringed slightly at the venom in his voice, he seemed to notice this too. “I’ll see you later, we’re all having a pool party.” He said in a much softer voice. “Have fun…” he coughed, “copulating.”</p><p>And then he was gone. I should’ve followed him. I should’ve listened to the rational side of my brain and realised that he probably had feelings for me too. </p><p>I walked into Dorian’s room and smiled at him. “How’d the exam go?” I asked, twirling his hair around my finger. </p><p>“Good, you?” He replied distractedly. He’d started to develop feelings for Hector and was terrified to ask him out, I understood that. He needed the distraction too. </p><p>I should’ve stopped. Talked to Dorian, he would’ve helped me sort through my thoughts. But I was terrified of rejection. Not just any rejection, rejection from Achilles; he had never rejected me in any way. He was the one who pursued this relationship in the first place. </p><p>I thought he was joking, making fun of me. But no. Achilles would never do that. Always sincere. And if he sincerely told me that my feelings were entirely unrequited, that I had imagined it all- </p><p>I couldn’t cope with the mere thought of it. I felt like I was about to explode. “Good.” I said, pulling him in for a kiss. My head still buzzed, I needed it to stop. </p><p>“That’s, umm, good.” I nodded and kissed him harder. <em>Stupid, stupid, stupid! </em>I couldn’t think. Dorian chuckled at my enthusiasm. “Not in the mood for a chat?” </p><p>“Not at all.” I needed my thoughts to quiet down, I felt like I was drowning. “Want me to suck your dick?” </p><p>Dorian smiled widely. “Yes. Do you want to suck my dick?”</p><p>I was already on my knees, undoing his buttons. I looked up, “yes.”</p><p>I should have followed Achilles. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>After, I decided to walk back to our dorm. Tobias would be there soon. My head felt clearer, sure. But I also felt absolutely disgusting. And stupid. <em>Oh so stupid</em>. I looked forward to a shower, and to convincing myself that I wasn’t a literal piece of shit. </p><p>I opened the door to find Achilles sprawled on his bed talking to Tobias. He looked up at me, eyes widening before he collected himself. “Hey poppet.”</p><p>“Hi.” Tobias was sitting on my desk chair, wearing thick black glasses and a sleek coat. I smiled at him, “how’re you?”</p><p>“I’m alright.” </p><p>I swayed my weight from one foot to another, unsure of what to say. Achilles, bless his beautiful soul, spoke. “There’s a pool party later, you should come.”</p><p>“Like with teachers or…?”</p><p>“No, the staff don’t know.” </p><p>Tobias fiddled with his sleeve. “I don’t know…”</p><p>“Are you the same person who travelled across the country without your parents’ consent to meet a cousin you hadn’t seen for years.” </p><p>My head snapped towards Achilles, <em>don’t be rude. </em></p><p>“That was for a noble purpose.” Tobias said.</p><p>Achilles raised his eyebrows at me, <em>he’s more self-righteous than you. </em>I could tell Tobias was becoming annoyed with our silent communication. I couldn’t blame him. Our friends told us it was irritating all the time, but we couldn’t help ourselves. </p><p>“You won’t get in trouble.” I said. “Stay with Achilles and it’ll be fine. The little bastard gets away with everything.”</p><p>Achilles nodded solemnly. “True.”</p><p>“Plus, for such an esteemed school, they’re surprisingly lax. If we get caught, they’d just tell us to bugger off.” Tobias still looked unsure. “It’s fine if you don’t want to, we’ll just watch a film or something.”</p><p>Achilles stared at me in exasperation. <em>We’ve been looking forward to this for weeks!</em></p><p>I tilted my head at him, <em>get over it.</em></p><p>“Alright, I’ll go. It’s not like they could kick me out, I don’t even go here.” Tobias said.</p><p>“That’s settled then.” Achilles grinned. </p><p>Achilles followed me as I walked into the bathroom. “What are you doing?” I asked.</p><p>He shut the door behind us, I turned the shower on to heat it up. “Your cousin is hot.” Achilles said, he leant against the wall with a glint in his eyes. </p><p><em>No. </em>“Ok…?”</p><p>Achilles shook his head at me. “I fancy your cousin.”</p><p>I cringed. “Oh gods Achilles, please don’t.”</p><p>His brows furrowed, “why not? It’s been <em>so long</em>.”</p><p>“He’s my cousin.” </p><p>“I’m aware.”</p><p>“You could have almost anyone else.” </p><p>“But I want him.” I flinched. “Maybe you don’t need to worry. Maybe he doesn’t want me.”</p><p>I snorted. “Yeah right.”</p><p>Achilles looked pleased. “Maybe he’s straight.”</p><p>I started changing, “he’s not.” </p><p>Achilles’s eyes raked over my torso. Then he blinked at me, “huh?” <em>How can you ignore the way he looks at you? You can find something attractive without wanting a romantic relationship with them. Shut up, shut up. SHUT UP.</em></p><p>“Tobias isn’t straight.” I stepped into the shower with my boxers on. </p><p>I could tell Achilles was smiling when he said, “that’s good then.”</p><p>I threw my boxers into the pile of dirty uniform. “No it’s not.” I peeked my head out of the shower curtain, “please don’t get with my cousin.”</p><p>Achilles sighed deeply. “I need a piss.”</p><p>“<em>Achilles…</em>” </p><p>He started peeing. We were so familiar with each other that I knew that he always slept with one leg out of the blanket and used up an entire bottle of conditioner every six days. Surely I would’ve have known if he liked me back. <em>Right? </em></p><p>“It just so unfair when you say please.” He flushed the chain and started washing his hands, with a little “sorry,” when the shower went cold.</p><p>I peeked out of the shower curtain again, shampoo coating my hair. His face softened when he saw me. “<em>Please </em>don’t get with Tobias.”</p><p>Achilles groaned. “<em>Fine.</em>”</p><p>“Promise?”</p><p>“Yeah, I promise.” He muttered. </p><p>I grinned at him. “Thanks.”</p><p>“I’m too weak for you Patroclus.” Achilles called as he stormed out of the bathroom. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Tobias had just turned eighteen, but he refused to buy alcohol for a bunch of minors. This meant Penelope, Briseis and Deidameia were to ones to sneak into the kitchens to find some, I thought this was a terrible idea. </p><p>“Why do they even store that stuff?” I asked Achilles, a towel draping over my arm. </p><p>“It’s for special events, when parents visit.” We were sneaking down the corridor, Achilles leaned into my ear. “Or for when the staff has had a stressful day.”</p><p>I chuckled and he placed his hand over my mouth. “Shhh.” His hand smelt like lavender soap. </p><p>The changing room was packed, full of hushed excitement. I hesitated before pulling my top over my head. <em>Seriously Patroclus?! </em>I inhaled deeply. <em>It’s ok. You look amazing. </em>It was an embarrassing thought, but I told it to myself again and it helped ease my anxiety a little. <em>Nobody’s judging you.</em> <em>You look amazing. </em></p><p>Feet slapped against the tiles as we walked into the pool, Achilles leant into my ear. “You look beautiful poppet.” </p><p>I felt a blush rise in my cheeks; it was the perfect thing to say. “Not too bad yourself loony.” </p><p>Achilles grinned. “<em>I </em>know.” </p><p>We were engulfed in noise and light. I wondered how the teachers could be so oblivious to it, I thought perhaps because it was easier to pretend to be oblivious to it than deal with punishing an entire year group.</p><p>Achilles bombed into the pool with a “whoo!” As he swum up for air and shook his hair out, I felt my heart clench – he was immaculate. “Jump!” He called.</p><p><em>Don’t overthink, don’t waste time worrying. </em>I jumped. The water was familiar, comforting. I let myself wallow in the weight of it before swimming up for breath. “Hey.” Achilles beamed at me. </p><p>Tobias used the steps, “I’m gonna find a corner to sit in.”</p><p>I felt guilty then. “Oh shit sorry. Do you want to do some laps or something?” </p><p>Tobias shook his head, smiling. “I kind of want to practise holding my breath under water.” </p><p>“Are you sure? If you get bored, just find me and Achilles.”</p><p>“Yeah sure.” He gave me a reassuring smiled before swimming away. </p><p>Achilles watched him go. “He’s so hot.”</p><p>“<em>Achilles.</em>”</p><p>“What? I’m not even allowed to say it?” He pouted at me, I wanted to kiss it away.</p><p>“What do you like about him anyways?”</p><p>Achilles considered the question. “His eyes. I like his eyes.”</p><p>“That’s a lot more PG than I was expecting.” I chuckled.</p><p>“I’m not a complete twat. That’s not to say I haven’t imagined how big his-”</p><p>I covered my ears. “Ahhh Achilles stop! That’s my cousin.”</p><p>“Right, sorry.” He splashed me with pool water.</p><p>I frowned at him. “What was that for?” </p><p>He shrugged, “felt like it.”</p><p>I splashed him back. “Bitch.”</p><p>His eyes glinted. “Oh it’s on.” </p><p>I let out an embarrassing giggle as he grabbed my arm and pulled me under the water. I brought him down with me. I couldn’t see anything, but I could feel him next to be, reaching out to fight me. </p><p>I used his body to hoist myself up. Achilles held onto my shoulders and pushed up. “You bastard.” I chuckled as I shoved him back under. He gripped my wrist and we went down together. </p><p>I’m not sure how long we played that game, limbs grappling each other desperately. Both of us knew that there was no benefit of Achilles wrapping his slippery legs around my torso or a plausible reason for how tightly I held his chest to mine.</p><p>Eventually, we stopped. Breathing heavily and staring at each other, confused. His cheeks were tinted red and he reached out to hold my cheek. We were so close, and I could still feel the ghost of his touch as we looked at each other.</p><p>Achilles spoke softly. “Do you want-”</p><p>“Hey Pat!” I felt a surge of annoyance as I turned around to see… Hector? “Hey Achilles.”</p><p>“Hi.” I said, trying to calm my heart.</p><p>“What do you want?” Achilles asked, he was more flustered than I’d ever seen him. <em>Is he happy? Confused? Regretful?</em></p><p>Hector raised his eyebrows, “Dorian’s in a mood, I don’t know why; he won’t talk to me. But I thought maybe he’d talk to you, but if I’m interrupting something…”</p><p>“You’re not interrupting anything.” I rushed the words out, and I could feel Achilles turn his glare to me.</p><p>“Right. Well, I’ll see you later.” Hector started swimming off. </p><p>I turned to Achilles; his face was blank. I felt my heart swoop in disappointment. “We should probably find Dorian.” He said, bitterly.</p><p>Dorian was sitting in the hot tub by himself, he offered us some beer when we joined him. Usually, I would’ve turned him down. Drinking in a public pool with no lifeguards is extremely stupid. I took a can and chugged it down. My brain physically hurt, I needed something to numb it. </p><p>I sat next to him, Achilles sat opposite us and crossed his arms. “Hector said you’re in a mood.” Achilles was squeezing his can so hard it that he’d deformed it. </p><p>Dorian groaned, dipping his head under the water. “Why can’t somebody just be in a mood with no reason? Why can’t he just leave me be?” Dorian ran his hand over his face. “Did you flunk your exam?” He imitated Hector. “Is everything ok at home? Fuck why is he so considerate? Arghhh.”</p><p>Achilles burst out laughing, Dorian stared at him. “Shut the fuck up.” </p><p>I forced my sense to pull together. <em>Sensible Patroclus. Kind Patroclus. Always-does-the-right-thing Patroclus. Why can’t I just make a mistake without breaking down? All I want to do is scream. I want to fuck up and do something stupid. Keep it together Patroclus. </em></p><p>I brought my arm around Dorian’s shoulder, pulling him close. “What’s wrong? You can rant if you want. Or don’t want. Whatever.” <em>What the fuck is wrong with you?</em></p><p>“Hector’s got himself a girlfriend, I have to go back home. My grandparents want me to travel around with them, so I’m gonna have to act straight all summer. You know who doesn’t have to act straight? Hector. Because he’s straight as a fucking arrow.”</p><p>I ran my hand down his arm. I had no idea what to say. I was too caught up in my own mess to help my friends. Deep breaths. Dorian shook his head. “I don’t wanna talk about it.” He filled the silence. “How are you doing?”</p><p>“Don’t wanna talk about it.” <em>You need to talk about it. No. I need to scream. </em></p><p>“What about you Achilles? How are you feeling?” Dorian managed painful smile.</p><p>“Like shit.” Achilles scowled.</p><p>“Care to elaborate?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Well, ok. I’ll let you brood.” Achilles scowled. “Well, he’s a joy.” Dorian rolled his eyes, a little intimidated by Achilles’s intensity. </p><p>“<em>Don’t</em>.” I said. </p><p>Dorian sighed. </p><p>We sat in silence for a while, the water bubbling around us as we avoided each other’s eyes. I felt Dorian’s hand snake up my thigh. I flinched, causing Achilles head to snap towards us. </p><p>I looked at Dorian, confused. He just smiled suggestively at me, pressing our bodies closer together. Then he raised his eyebrows in question, I nodded. <em>Stupid, stupid. So? </em></p><p>Dorian shot a glance at Achilles before climbing onto my lap. “Didn’t you two do this earlier?” I could hear the strain in Achilles’s voice. </p><p>“It helps quiet your thoughts.” Dorian said distractedly. Dorian kissed me harder than he ever had before. <em>Your friend needs you and you’re using him. He’s using you too. </em></p><p>Achilles huffed before slipping out of the hot tub. <em>Go after him. </em>Terror held me back. <em>You can deal with your father but not Achilles? Pathetic. </em></p><p>I pulled back from Dorian, “are you sure you don’t want to talk about it? I’m sure it would help.”</p><p>“Probably.” He said, “but I really can’t be bothered.” </p><p>“<em>Dorian.</em>” </p><p>He sucked at my neck. “Patroclus.” He ran his hands through my hair. “Please. We can talk later.” </p><p>He suckled at the soft skin under my jaw, he knew how much I liked it. “Ok,” I said.</p><p>OoOoO </p><p>We made out for a while. It helped a little, it always did. Then we just leant our heads against the back of the hot tub, staring at the ceiling. “I think I’m gonna go to bed.” Dorian said. “Everything will be alright in the morning.”</p><p>We both knew that wasn’t true. “Yeah ok. I’ll go and find Achilles.” </p><p>I couldn’t see him anywhere in the pool. Most people had left and the music had slowed down. There was mess everywhere, we’d probably have to clean it collectively as ‘punishment’ the next day. </p><p>I decided he’d probably gone back to our room already. I’d shown Tobias to one of the spare dorms earlier. I felt a stab of guilt at abandoning him, I’d try to make up for it the next day.</p><p>I walked into the changing rooms and dropped my empty can of beer. </p><p>Achilles had Tobias pinned against the lockers, snogging him fiercely.</p><p>They looked up at the disturbance, then Achilles jumped off him when he saw me. All the blood drained from his face. “Hey Pat.” Tobias smiled amiably at me with swollen lips. </p><p>I took a deep, stuttered breath. “Hi.” I didn’t even look at Achilles. “Are you all set up for the night?” My throat was dry, I felt like I was about to crack. </p><p>“Yeah all sorted. You alright mate?”</p><p>“Yeah.” I swallowed. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” I swallowed again before walking out of the room as normally as I could.</p><p>As soon as I left that suffocating room, I broke into a run.</p><p>
  <em>FUCK. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Arghhh I’m sorry 🥺😬<br/>Here’s a gift...? <br/>Patroclus: https://c0sm0nauty.tumblr.com/post/644673080463179776/kinda-annoyed-it-wont-let-me-add-more-than-10<br/>Achilles: https://c0sm0nauty.tumblr.com/post/644672703555682304/forgive-me</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Idiot</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>My patience was wearing thin. “Sure, I explode, but at least I’m honest about how I feel.”</p><p>He raised his eyebrows and looked directly at me, thinking over his next words. His eyes were red rimmed. “Are you? How do you feel about me Achilles?”</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Achilles:</strong>
</p><p>“What’s going on?” Tobias asked, after Patroclus had left. I had never hated myself before, but in that moment, I saw myself as Patroclus probably saw me, pure filth. </p><p>“I-I need to—shit I’m sorry.” <em>Don’t you dare cry. </em>“I need to go after him.” </p><p>Tobias looked troubled. “Are you sure?” he asked as I ran out of the room. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Patroclus had left a trail of wet footprints on the floor. <em>He’s probably freezing right now. </em></p><p>I followed him into the library, confused. Then I realised that he was trying to hide. In a place no-one would find him. No one except me.</p><p>He was in our little hiding spot – Neverland. It looked exactly as we’d left it. Pillows and art and stories. It already seemed like a world away. </p><p>Everything was coated in dust. Patroclus sat with his knees to his chest, I wanted to wrap him up warm. He probably thought that I’d look for him in our room. He didn’t want to talk to me. </p><p>“Patroclus?” I said softly.</p><p>He looked up tiredly. “Leave me alone.”</p><p>“I’m so sorry.” </p><p>“<em>Leave me alone.</em>” </p><p>“Let me explain-”</p><p>“Explain what? How you couldn’t manage to keep your claws off Tobias. The one thing I asked you not to do. Leave me alone before I do something stupid.”</p><p>I remembered what he said to Hector, <em>you’re not interrupting anything. </em>I was hurt and frustrated and drunk. It sounded stupid even in my head. <em>You have no excuse Achilles. You fucked up. </em>“Do you want to punch me? That’s fair.”</p><p>Patroclus recoiled. “Not everything has to be violent. <em>Fuck off.</em>”</p><p>“Just talk-”</p><p>“Achilles,<em> please.</em>” He stared at me blankly. “It’s late.”</p><p>I realised that I had expected him to forgive me. He always forgave me. <em>And you’ve taken advantage of his patience. </em>I was reeling in self-loathing as I said, “don’t sleep here. Come back to the room.”</p><p>“No way.”</p><p>My dad wouldn’t let me borrow another spare room, not without explaining why. “I’m going to sneak into Briseis’s dorm. There won’t be anyone in ours.” I couldn’t do much, but I could do this.</p><p>Patroclus didn’t say anything, he was staring at an old copy of Peter Pan. </p><p>I wanted to keep talking, to scream. But he looked so worn out. I decided it would be better for him if we sorted this out tomorrow. Patroclus didn’t even look up as I left.</p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Briseis opened the door, rolling her eyes at the sight of me. “It’s one in the morning you dipshit, what are you doing?”</p><p>I scratched the back of my head. “I need to crash.”</p><p>Briseis’s demeanour grew serious. “What have you done?” </p><p>“Why do you think I’ve-”</p><p>“What have you done?” She asked again. </p><p>“I-I’ll tell you tomorrow, I really need to sleep.”</p><p>Briseis regarded me critically, “tomorrow.” </p><p>I walked into her room, it smelled delightful. There were posters of old foreign films all over the wall, draped in fairy lights and pink Polaroids. My bare feet rested on a fluffy violet rug. </p><p>They’d pushed the beds together, Helen was sat upright, her hair wrung tightly around heated curlers. <em>Huh, I thought her hair was naturally that curly. </em>Her face lit up when she saw me. “Ooo are we going to get another instalment of stupid boys avoiding their feelings and fucking up.”</p><p>Briseis laughed and I glared at both of them. “What’s it like being in a room where you can see the floor?” Helen asked sweetly as Briseis went to find me some clothes.</p><p>I felt completely deflated, I didn’t rise to the argument. “It’s really pretty.”</p><p>Helen looked surprised, then her expression altered slightly, exasperation? Pity? I couldn’t tell. “Briseis gave me full rein of the room as long as she made sure everything had a perfect place and was allowed to put ugly posters on the wall.”</p><p>“They’re not ugly. They’re iconic.” Briseis was scouring through her wardrobe, which was in fact, meticulously organised. </p><p>“They’re ugly. But at the same time wonderfully endearing.” </p><p>Briseis shot Helen a smile. “I bet you don’t even have a place to put your shoes.” She said to me.</p><p>“I have a place where I throw them.” I defended lamely. “Patroclus is always telling me to tidy them up.” I needed to scream. </p><p>“Is he sharing a bed with us?” Helen asked.</p><p>Briseis gave me a pile of clothes. “Fuck no. We’ll have to split them up again; I’m not sharing with this rat.” She gave me a small smile.</p><p>She had given me polka dot pyjama bottoms that would only cover half my calves and an over-sized tee that said: FEMINIST REVOLUTION. </p><p>“No silk knickers?” I asked, pouting. </p><p>Briseis snorted. “Why would I give you silk knickers?”</p><p>“Because I’ve always wanted to try-”</p><p>“You’ll have to go commando or buy some in your spare time. Get dressed, freak.”</p><p>“But you haven’t got an en suite.”</p><p>“Trust me sweetie, we don’t care.” Helen said. </p><p>At the same time, Briseis muttered. “So unfair.”</p><p>I changed as they moved the beds apart. The trousers were ridiculous, I heard a rip as I pulled them over my thigh. “<em>Fuck.</em>”</p><p>Briseis frowned, “I liked those.” </p><p>“Achilles,” Helen said, “your dick is hanging out.”</p><p>“Arghh.” I pulled the tight material up to my waist, “why won’t they stay up?”</p><p>Briseis was chuckling. “Because you haven’t got any hips, dickhead.”</p><p>I pulled the bobble from my wet hair, using it to tie the side up. The sleeves of the top barely covered my shoulders, coming up to my navel. I pulled it off in frustration, throwing it on the floor. “No point.”</p><p>“Pick it up.” Briseis said in a tone that made me pick it up. “Fold it neatly and add to the light-coloured t-shirt pile.” </p><p>I laid down on the other bed. “Thanks.” I muttered, before turning away from them and closing my eyes.</p><p>Closing my eyes was a terrible idea. All the events of the night were rushing through my mind. Every mistake I made replaying over and over again. <em>Is this how Patroclus feels all the time?!</em></p><p>I wanted to cry and scream and rant and rage. But my lack of control is why I was in this mess in the first place. <em>Calm down Achilles, you can talk to him in the morning. </em></p><p>I thought about how much I hurt him, and it felt unbearable. Even when I was angry with him, I never wanted to <em>hurt </em>him. I always told Patroclus that he was hurting himself, but my lashing out was hurting him too. <em>Nononono. </em></p><p>I felt a rustle of blankets. I didn’t turn or speak as Briseis laid next to me. I trembled slightly as she pressed her chest to my back. I barely breathed as she hesitantly wrapped her arm around me, cradling me gently. </p><p>My breathing settled down after I realised what she was doing. She slowly pulled me closer, “we’ll sort it out, bitch.” She said softly. </p><p>Her presence calmed me, I loved her in that moment. Hyper aware of the fragile relationship between us. </p><p>I realised Patroclus was right, I had more than one friend, I just had to open my eyes and see it. </p><p>Neither of us spoke again. I found myself drifting off to sleep.    </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>We had one week. One week before we left school. Being in year eleven meant that we left a week after our last exam, a month before the younger years. I had never thought I would hate this freedom. </p><p>I woke before Briseis, <em>it’s morning. Patroclus will forgive you. </em>I nudged Briseis in the stomach. “Stop suffocating me.”</p><p>She hummed slightly, drooling onto my bare back. She yawned and wiped her eyes. Then she blinked, twice. We stared at each other for a moment before recoiling. “Ahh.” We shouted, jumping to opposite sides of the bed. </p><p>“We will never speak of this again.” Briseis warned. </p><p>“Agreed.” I said.</p><p>Helen snickered and my eyes snapped to her small figure, filming us with her phone. I leaped onto her bed to delete the video. She gave me the phone willingly. “Don’t bother, I’ve already sent it to Dorian, Penny and Meia.”</p><p>“You little-”</p><p>“<em>Woah.”</em> Briseis interrupted me. “Think about your next words.”</p><p>I decided to refrain from calling Helen a bitch, I liked my limbs intact. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>I had to go back to our room for my uniform. A group of girls wolf whistled at me in the corridors, I gave them a little twirl, hoping the attention would make me feel better. It didn’t.</p><p>Everybody else seemed to be asleep, the last week of school after exams was basically pointless. Classes were filled with bad films and board games. </p><p>I knocked on our door before walking in. Patroclus and Tobias were doing a puzzle on the floor. Patroclus looked up at me, then looked away. Revealing nothing but contempt. Tobias looked between us, evidently deciding this wasn’t something he wanted to get in the middle of. </p><p>“I’m gonna-” Tobias stood up, “go back to my room, text my mum.” I noticed his phone in his trouser pocket. </p><p>Patroclus sat up, “you don’t have to leave-”</p><p>“I’ll see you later Pat.” He was eager to escape, I couldn’t blame him. </p><p>I stood awkwardly by the door; I’d never experienced that feeling before; the feeling of being uncomfortably aware of your limbs. They didn’t just slot into place perfectly, I wanted to hide. <em>Coward. </em></p><p>Patroclus carried on with the puzzle. I cleared my throat, “Patroclus, I’m-”</p><p>“You should probably change.” </p><p>I realised that I was still wearing the skimpy pyjama bottoms. “Ugh, right.” </p><p>I held back from telling Patroclus that I was considering going commando more often. It was a weird feeling, not being able to say any stupid thought that came to mind. I felt a stab of loneliness. </p><p>Patroclus didn’t glance up as I changed, his jaw tightly set. <em>He probably wants to hit me. </em>I threw on some joggers and hoodie, one of the hoodies I bought specifically so I could lend it to Patroclus after swim practice. </p><p>I tried to apologise again. “Patroclus, can we talk?”</p><p>He was staring at a puzzle piece, <em>is that a Rihanna puzzle? </em>“I’d rather not.” He said.</p><p>“But we need to.” I hesitatingly sat opposite him.</p><p>“Not right now.”</p><p>“When then?” <em>Be patient. </em></p><p>Patroclus shrugged.</p><p>“Patroclus, I’m so sorry. <em>Poppet. Please</em>.”</p><p>Patroclus flinched.  “I can’t just keep forgiving you straight away. It’s not right.”</p><p>He was right. But that didn’t stop the restlessness I felt, <em>do what’s good for Patroclus. Sorting this out is what’s good for him. </em></p><p>“I understand that, I’m not expecting you to forgive me, but we need to talk about this.” Patroclus didn’t even look at me. “C’mon Patroclus, we talk about everything, why not this?”</p><p>“I need time Achilles.”</p><p>“We’ve only got a week!” I said helplessly, frustration clawing at my bones. “You need to stop keeping everything inside.”</p><p>His head snapped towards mine. “You need to stop exploding. You need to learn about boundaries.” <em>He’s trying to make you stop talking about him. </em></p><p>“I’m <em>trying. </em>But you’re not helping. You need to tell me when I hurt you. That’s why we’re in this mess in the first place.”</p><p>“We’re in this mess because you were angry. You were angry and you lashed out without thinking. <em>Again.” </em>He raised his voice at me, I flinched. </p><p>“I-” I didn’t know what to say, how could I explain everything? <em>Where would I even start? </em>“I’m sorry. I really am.”</p><p>Hurt flashed over Patroclus’s face. I wanted to cuddle him and tell him it’s alright. Except it wasn’t alright. And I was the reason he was upset. He hardened his features, “I’m not going to forgive you Achilles.” A part of me was proud of him. “Not yet.”</p><p>“What can I do?”</p><p>“I don’t know.”</p><p>“Patroclus. <em>Please.</em>” I pleaded. “Talk to me.” He ignored me. I needed a reaction from him. “Do you think your dad would talk? Do you want to be like-”</p><p>“What the fuck.” He was angry, defensive. “I’m not going to talk to you right now, you’d probably just get angry and lash out again. Completely oblivious to how it hurts everyone around you.”</p><p>My patience was wearing thin. “Sure, I explode, but at least I’m honest about how I feel.”</p><p>He raised his eyebrows and looked directly at me, thinking over his next words. His eyes were red rimmed. “Are you? How do you feel about me?” He asked in a low voice. </p><p>I stumbled slightly as I stood up. “Fuck you.” I slammed the door on my way out. Not looking at him. </p><p>Out of everything he could have brought up, that was the most painful. I couldn’t remain composed. Arguing with him was too painful, I couldn’t bear it.</p><p>OoOoO </p><p>I spent three hours in the gym, pushing myself too far. Relishing in the pain of running so fast that my legs screamed at me and there was a shooting pain in my lungs.</p><p>Then I saw Patroclus going through a door to where combat club was. Nobody would be in there except him and a few punching bags. I wondered if he was imaging my face. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>I stood in the dining hall by myself. I saw our usual group, chatting away amiably. <em>Would they even want me to sit with them? </em>I looked to see my old group of friends, loud and obnoxious. Agamemnon was seeing how many fries he could fit in his mouth. </p><p>No. I wouldn’t sit with them. I’d rather sit by myself. </p><p>I didn’t need to. Briseis called me over. I sat next to her, staring at my sandwich. Everybody kept talking, completely unaware that my heart was beating so hard I thought I was going to be sick. </p><p>Patroclus lasted five minutes before leaving, Briseis followed him. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>I laid on Briseis’s bed, watching Love Island. Patroclus hated Love Island. He’d always tell me it promoted heteronormativity and eating disorders. But we’d watch it together anyway. </p><p>Patroclus liked to laugh at how stupid they were, and I liked watching the way the camera zoomed in on the contestants. </p><p>“He’s not my type on paper, but I don’t know I just really like him.” Declared a tanned woman in a heavy Scouse accent. “It’s not just that I think he’s attractive either. It’s like his personality init. We have good banter.” </p><p>“You like his biceps.” I said, imitating Patroclus. </p><p>“This is extremely sad.” I looked up to see Briseis watching me. “Turn that shit off.”</p><p>“But they’re about to go on a date!”</p><p>“Don’t care. We need to talk.”</p><p>I turned it off begrudgingly. I’d wrapped myself in a blanket burrito and struggled to sit up as Briseis sat next to me. </p><p>“Patroclus told me what happened.” She said. “What the fuck were you thinking?!”</p><p>“I wasn’t.” </p><p>Briseis sighed. “Remember the last time Patroclus was mad at you, because you said he couldn’t come to my party.”</p><p>I cringed. “Yeah.” </p><p>“It took <em>ages </em>for youto sort that out. You were both wallowing in self-pity and ignoring each other. Instead of talking about it.”</p><p>“I remember. I tried to talk to him this morning, but he wouldn’t listen.” </p><p>Briseis rested her head on the wall behind her. “Is that really a surprise? He’s been taught his whole life that he had to keep all his emotions to himself. That emotions were weak. He feels like a burden.”</p><p>“But he’s getting better. He’s so much open than he was two years ago.”</p><p>“Yes. But not when it comes to you.” She gave me a steady stare.</p><p>“Why not? I don’t understand why he won’t just tell me everything.”</p><p>“I don’t think either of us will ever understand. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. He’s good at hiding things. And he thinks that’s a strength, but it’s clearly not.” Briseis chewed her bottom lip. “We just need to be patient.”</p><p>“But we’ve only got a week.”</p><p>Briseis rolled her eyes. “No, we don’t. Sure, you should try and sort out the bridge between you two by then. But it takes time to work through anxiety.”</p><p>“But how can I help him if he doesn’t let me?” </p><p>“He will let you. He adores you Achilles.” I swallowed, Briseis carried on in a steady voice. “He wants to forgive you and pretend this never happened. But that wouldn’t solve anything, would it?”</p><p>“No.” I admitted. </p><p>“You have to talk. My gods, do you need to talk.” She chuckled. “But you need to <em>earn </em>an apology.”</p><p>“How?”</p><p>“I’m not sure. Give him space. Don’t force him to forgive you if he’s not ready. But show him you’re there, ready to listen.”</p><p>“Yeah. I think I can do that.”</p><p>Briseis groaned. “I suppose that means you have to stay here for a week.”</p><p>I grinned at her. “Lucky you.” </p><p>She laid on her bed and started writing something in a notebook. I waddled over to her bed, “whatcha doing?” I asked.</p><p>She looked up and smiled. “Writing a diary, in French.”</p><p>“Why French?”</p><p>“Well, I read it to Helen every night.”</p><p>“I didn’t know she spoke French.” I flopped back onto the other bed.</p><p>“She doesn’t. She just likes to listen to me.”</p><p>I swooned. “I’m <em>so</em> jealous of you two.”</p><p>She looked up at me, unbelieving. “You could have that, you know? With Patroclus.” </p><p>“He doesn’t like me like that.” <em>Are you sure? </em>I thought. <em>Yes. How could he? </em></p><p>Briseis groaned, “a part of me is starting to think you two like the pain.”</p><p>I needed her to stop. “When did you become so wise, anyhow?”</p><p>She gave me a sly smile. “I’m not particularly wise. You’re just particularly stupid.”</p><p>I threw a pillow at her. Although, I couldn’t say I disagreed.</p><p>OoOoO </p><p>A week. I had I week. I could do this. I <em>had </em>to do this. </p><p>Patroclus spent a few days with Tobias, I completely avoided them. </p><p>After Tobias left, I started doing little things. I made him honey porridge for breakfast. Leaving it by his bed for when he woke up. </p><p>He wouldn’t let me tell him I was sorry, so I showed him instead. </p><p>In class, I always recommended his favourite films, his favourite board games. We didn’t sit next to each other in class. I tried to give him space. I didn’t stare. No matter how much I wanted to.</p><p>I wrote him little stories, posting them under our door like a love sick fool. They were full of friendship and forgiveness; I’ve never credited myself on subtlety. </p><p>I left hoodies and snacks in his locker for after swim practice. I even tried to research how to control my anger, although I’m not sure meditation and herbal teas are really my thing. </p><p>On Wednesday, I tried to meditate. Nope. Definitely not my thing. I couldn’t manage to stay still for a minute.</p><p>On Thursday night, I knocked on our door before walking in. I placed a large cup of hot chocolate on his desk, filled with marshmallows and whipped cream. Patroclus gave me a small smile and I couldn’t help but grin. </p><p>I was trying not to jump up and down as I packed some things for another day with Briseis. I would only pack enough for one day, so I had an excuse to bring him hot chocolate and a sappy story the next night. As if to say: <em>look. I’m trying. I love you and I need you. But I want you to accept me when you’re ready. I’ll wait for you.</em></p><p>OoOoO </p><p>I paced around the school for an hour, worrying. There was about twenty minutes before Patroclus’s bus left.</p><p>He’d told me to give him space, I’d listened to him. But it had been a week and he still hadn’t sought me out. I’d stayed in control, I’d done everything I could think of to show him that I was ready to listen and learn. </p><p>But there I was, stomping down a marble hallway, footsteps echoing on the high ceilings; trying to stop myself from pushing him too far. </p><p>
  <em>Perhaps he needs a push. Perhaps he’s waiting for you to make the next move. </em>
</p><p>I had eighteen minutes. I ran. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Patroclus was clearly about to leave as I rushed into the room, slamming the door behind me. He had everything packed neatly in a suitcase. </p><p>He looked up in surprise, <em>I’ve caught him with his guard down. </em>“Oh.” He said. </p><p>“Patroclus, we need to talk. <em>Please.</em>”</p><p>“Achilles, I need to leave. <em>Please.</em>” He looked exhausted, dark circles under his eyes and his hair was messier than usual. </p><p>“Don’t do this poppet. Don’t leave without talking to me. We both know you’ll regret it.” <em>He’ll be worrying all summer, just like you. </em></p><p>“I’m going to miss the bus.”</p><p>“You’ve got ten minutes. Look at me.”</p><p>He stared at me, his features softening and then hardening. “I can’t do this. I’m not ready to forgive you.” His voice sounded strained. </p><p>“I get that. I really do. But you can <em>talk </em>to me. I’m right here.”</p><p>My eyes were pleading. He swallowed. “I’m not- I can’t.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“I don’t know how.”</p><p>“Me neither. We can figure it out together.” </p><p>He tried to leave, I blocked the way. “We have something beautiful poppet, we can’t make it toxic. We need to talk.” I placed my hands on his shoulders, he glared at me. I was desperate. “I-I can’t, I don’t know how to – I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this.”</p><p>“Let me pass.”</p><p>“Let me help you.”</p><p>“I don’t need help. Now fuck off.”</p><p>“Why this? Why is this the thing you won’t forgive? Why do you care about this so much?”</p><p>“You’ve got to be kidding me.” He muttered, every muscle tensed.</p><p>“I understand why you’re mad. I broke a promise. It was stupid.”</p><p>He broke away from me, stomping over to the other side of the room. “Ding, ding, ding.”</p><p>“But why did you care about me hooking up with Tobias so much? I know you told me not to, but this is excessive.” </p><p>“Shut the fuck up.” He was staring out the window.</p><p>“It’s about more than just Tobias. Tell me Patroclus, <em>please.” </em>He didn’t reply, his knuckles were white. “What’s wrong? Why did you care?”</p><p>“Achilles. <em>Stop.</em>” He said in a low, controlled voice.</p><p>I walked up to him. “Why did you care so much?”</p><p><em>“Because I love you, you idiot!</em>” He turned around, shouting. His eyes were wild and vulnerable. </p><p>I stepped back. “Wuh-”</p><p>“No.” He said, frantically eying my reaction. “Don’t say anything.” He grabbed his hair. “<em>Fuck! </em>I cared because I love you. I love you so fucking much Achilles. I love you so much it makes me want to scream and cry and <em>argh</em>.” </p><p>I stood frozen. “You-”</p><p>His eyes were feral. “I think about you <em>all the time. </em>I don’t just love you. I’m <em>in love </em>with you. I’ve wanted you for nearly <em>two years</em>.” He didn’t control the words that spilt. “I’ve tried to get over it, but I can’t. You’ve seeped into every aspect of my life and I’m absolutely <em>terrified </em>that you don’t love me back. I’m terrified of losing you. I’m terrified of how you make me feel.”</p><p>I took a step towards him, “Patroclus-”</p><p>“-I’m just,” he took a stuttered breath, “<em>terrified.</em>”</p><p>I wrapped my arms around him tightly, I could feel my heartbeat in my fingertips. Patroclus was shivering as I pulled away slowly. He looked confused and worn out, I couldn’t think straight. I’d been dreaming of this moment for over a year and now I stood frozen.</p><p>My hands trembled as I brought them to his face. “Can I kiss you?” I asked softly, my voice shaking.</p><p>I could feel Patroclus’s body shudder as he leant forward, pressing his lips to mine. So soft. <em>Oh my fucking god. </em>He pulled back hesitantly, searching my face for a reaction. </p><p>My breath stuttered, <em>there’s no way that just happened. </em>But I looked at Patroclus, so vulnerable, and realised that this was real. <em>Patroclus loves me! </em></p><p>Just as Patroclus’s face fell, I shoved him into the wardrobe, kissing him as hard as I could, as if I could engrain the feel of his lips into every fibre of my being. <em>More.</em></p><p>He let out a surprised yelp. Then I felt his grin on my mouth. A grin I hadn’t seen for months. His mouth was hot against mine, every nerve tingled, every cell alight. I felt as if there was burning pit in the depth of my stomach, I grabbed at him desperately.</p><p>I kissed him with a smile, bright and pure. “I love you so much, it hurts.” I said, breathless. </p><p>He pushed me into the opposite wardrobe, “you could’ve mentioned it.”</p><p><em>Patroclus has me pinned again wardrobe! </em><em>Patroclus is kissing me! </em>“Huh?” I asked, bringing his head to mine again. </p><p>“Horny bastard.” He muttered, looking at me with so much fondness my knees almost buckled. </p><p>Our shoulders clashed against each other, both of us trying to gain the upper hand. His curls were soft between my fingers as I bought his whole body closer to mine. He ran his hands down my body, resting on my waist. <em>Fuck.</em> I could barely comprehend what was happening. </p><p>I was embarrassed to feel my sinuses start to burn as it started to dawn on me: <em>Patroclus loves me!</em> Then I felt something wet against my cheek. “Shit.” Patroclus swore, trying to wipe away his tears. I reached for wrist, letting him feel my own.</p><p>Then we were both snickering, snickering and kissing and crying. He gripped his pinky finger onto mine, I felt my heart in my throat. “Fuck toxic masculinity.” I said, utterly overwhelmed.</p><p>I was leaving a trail of kisses down his neck. I wanted to kiss every inch of his body. <em>Every inch. </em>Patroclus let out a small growl and I felt my stomach flip. <em>I will never forget that sound. </em>He started to lift my jumper off my head. </p><p>He threw it on the floor carelessly. “You’re going to miss the bus.” I said, distracted by the way he was pulling his jumper off. </p><p>“Fuck the bus.” He replied, kissing me roughly. </p><p>I couldn’t think. “Fuck <em>me.</em>”</p><p>He let out another delicious sound. I used my strength gain the upper hand, flipping us around. </p><p>“We still need-” Patroclus had his hands under my shirt, carelessly digging his hands into my back, “-to talk.”</p><p>“Hmmm.” I replied, snaking my fingers down his body. “We have plenty of time.”</p><p>I started undoing his trousers, Patroclus gasped. I grinned at him, falling to my knees. <em>I’m actually going to do this! Oh my fucking gods.</em></p><p>There was a knock at the door. </p><p>We froze. There was another knock. Loud and sturdy. “Ace? We have to go.”</p><p>Patroclus and I stared at each other, lost in state of bewilderment and desire. My father knocked again. “What are you doing in there?” </p><p>I jumped up. Frantically searching for our clothes. I threw Patroclus’s jumper at him, he was fiddling with his trouser buttons. <em>Hot! </em></p><p>My entire body tingled with excitement, I gestured to his bed. He looked confused before realising what I was saying, he jumped onto his bed, opening a book. I rolled my eyes at him fondly, <em>dirty minded moron. </em></p><p>I sent him one last blinding smile before opening the door. “Hey dad.”</p><p>My father frowned at me, “Ace, you were supposed to be in my office five minutes ago.” He walked in the room wearingly, I was trying to quieten my thoughts to no avail. “Pat? Why are you still here?”</p><p>Patroclus looked up, his hair tumbled uncontrollably around his forehead, his face was flushed and his lips were swollen; freshly kissed. I’d never seen him look so lovely. Part of me was hoping my father wouldn’t notice, the rest of me could only stare in complete awe. </p><p>Patroclus coughed awkwardly. “Lost track of time sir.”</p><p>“That’s not like you.” My father narrowed his eyes. “No matter. I can give you a lift to the train station.”</p><p>Patroclus stood up and grabbed his suitcase, “thanks sir.”</p><p>My father gestured for us to follow him. I could leave all my things here because my mother and I always went shopping before travelling. My father tutted at me. “Bloody hell Achilles, either tuck your shirt in all the way or don’t tuck it in at all.”</p><p>I hastily fixed my shirt and snuck a glance at Patroclus, who was blushing profusely. </p><p>I didn’t speak as we followed my father to the car. I didn’t utter a word as I slid into the car next to Patroclus. My father turned on the radio and we let the music wash over us. </p><p>I wanted to talk to him, <em>oh how I want to talk to him. </em>I wanted to figure out what the fuck was going on. But I had no idea where to start. Plus, it wasn’t like we could say much with my father <em>right there! </em></p><p>I would never want to hide this from my father, but we weren’t in a relationship. <em>Not yet, </em>I thought with glee. I knew Patroclus would want to figure everything out before I started flaunting our relationship.</p><p>I stared at our hands, resting on the middle seat, a centimetre away from each other. Patroclus moved his pinky to touch mine, before he looked up at me, vulnerable and exposed. It was a delicate touch, yet my whole body hummed pleasantly.</p><p>I wrapped my fingers around his. We beamed at each other, filled with hope. </p><p>“We’re here.” My father announced and I felt a surge of annoyance. It had taken us an entire drive to hold hands, even though I’d been about to give him a blowjob forty minutes ago. <em>How will this work? How will we work? </em>I felt a thrill of potential, eager to find out.</p><p>I wanted to grab Patroclus and take him with me. But I knew that this summer apart was probably a good thing. It would give us a chance to let everything sink in. To figure what we wanted and how we should go forward. </p><p>“I’ll see you in September poppet.” <em>Ugh. I hate being mature!</em></p><p>He left the car hesitantly, “goodbye loony.”</p><p>And then he was gone. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>“We did it. We did it Joe”</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Rhubarb and Custard</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dorian gasped. “Wait. No way.” He looked at me with a befuddled expression. I smiled shyly. “No way.” His head snapped towards Briseis, who nodded. “No fucking way.” He said again.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the delay folks</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Patroclus:</strong>
</p><p>“You look like shit.” </p><p>I placed my glass on the counter, my father had walked into the kitchen. <em>Great. </em>“Hi. How are you?” </p><p>He scowled and I wanted to laugh. Usually, this would have upset me, but I’d kissed Achilles an hour ago. <em>I’ve snogged Achilles!</em> I stifled the urge to jump up and down. </p><p>“Don’t take that tone with me boy.” I drank another glass of water and watched as my father stumbled towards me. <em>Day drinking. </em>“You look sickly, why are you so skinny?” </p><p>I shrugged, trying not to listen. </p><p>“You’re getting a haircut tomorrow.” </p><p>“Ok.” I raised a hand to my hair subconsciously. It was true that I wasn’t at my best. I hadn’t been taking care of myself, no matter how much Achilles tried to ensure I was sleeping enough; my well-being rested on my shoulders. </p><p>But exams were over, and I felt as if I could run laps around the world. Achilles thought I was kissable enough. Perhaps I could focus on swimming and cooking over the summer. Despite my thoughts, my heart was beating uncomfortably in my chest. I didn’t know why my father was insulting my appearance though, there were Cheerios in his beard. </p><p>He walked over to me and grabbed a beer out of the fridge, I eyed the drink and my father glared at me. “Don’t judge me boy. It’s been a tough week.”</p><p>“I’m not judging you.” Maybe I was judging him a little bit.</p><p>“Yes you are.” He popped the lid. “You’ve always been a judgmental little prick.” </p><p>It shocked me a little to stand next to him, I towered over him now. Still, I felt as if his presence was larger than mine, overbearing. “Ok.” I wondered how he spent his time. </p><p>I had to leave; I’d been full of reckless decisions that day. And lashing out on Menoetius probably wouldn’t have the same impact as confessing my love to my best friend. It was all too much. “See you later.” <em>Unfortunately.</em></p><p>Menoetius made a dismissive gesture and I left as quickly as I could. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Once in my room, I collapsed behind my door. My breathing was ragged as I pulled my knees to my chest. I felt nothing when talking to my father, his words barely had an impact on me when I was talking to him, but there I was, on my bedroom floor with my head in my hands. I wondered if that was normal. </p><p>My thoughts kept flashing from my father to Achilles. Eventually, thoughts of Achilles took over and I started dancing around my room, Taylor Swift blasting through my earphones. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>The euphoria lasted for three days. Three days of breezing through the house and cooking heart shaped pancakes. Three days of obsessively fantasizing about all the things we could do together. </p><p>Then, the inevitable worry started the sink in. <em>What if he’s changed his mind? What if it doesn’t work out? </em>We hadn’t even talked. </p><p>He’d cracked me open, and that scared me. I noticed it in little ways. How I was tempted to insult my father out loud. Random urges to shout at people who annoyed me. I wanted to grip onto my self-control and use it as a shield. But I knew that it had only hurt me in the past. <em>Ugh. Logic doesn’t make any sense.</em></p><p>Most of all, I wanted Achilles. I wanted to talk to him. To hear his direct response, telling me things I was too cowardly to admit out loud. I wondered what he was thinking.</p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Four weeks passed. Four weeks of morning runs and afternoons swims. Four weeks of dodging conversations with my father and consuming so much media it couldn’t be healthy. </p><p>My patience was wearing thin. Achilles was travelling with his mother, spending his days eating at elegant restaurants and surfing (or whatever you do travelling with your mother). </p><p>Achilles and Thetis had a taste for expensive clothes. They were probably browsing silk fabrics whilst the highlight of my day was feeding the ducks. <em>Stop feeling bitter, you’re not exactly hard done by. </em></p><p>I managed to stumble out of bed, I’d been finding it difficult to sleep in a room by myself, without the familiarity of Achilles’s breathing. Sometimes, I’d wake up in the middle the of night, expecting to see Achilles asleep on the bed next to mine, hair splayed carelessly around his pillow, only to find a plain wall in his place. </p><p>My father slept until noon, which is the only reason I woke up so early. I’d meet the cook downstairs, she was the one who taught me how to cook, against my father’s instructions. I’d make some porridge for the both of us, filling mine with every sweet food I could find. It wasn’t exactly to my taste, but the sugar reminded me of Achilles and I was becoming desperate.</p><p>I was halfway through my porridge when the doorbell rang. I told the cook I’d get it, hastily making my way to the front door. I opened to find two smug faces smiling at me. I leapt forward and pulled them into a hug. </p><p>Briseis and Dorian stumbled slightly, and I drew away. “Alright, mate?” Dorian asked, amused. He had a bright blue cast on his right arm.</p><p>Briseis didn’t hesitate to hug me again. “Patroclus!”</p><p>I grinned into her hair. “I’ve missed you.”</p><p>I ushered them inside, leading them to a spare living room. It was my favourite living room in the house because it wasn’t entirely decorated in neutral colours and there were three plants on the windowsill. Dorian sat on a sofa, crossing his legs, uncrossing them, then crossing them again. Briseis and I exchanged a glance. </p><p>I sat on an armchair, smiling wildly. Briseis sat on the other side of the sofa, mimicking Dorian by crossing her legs. Dorian cringed and uncrossed his legs… only to cross them again. “How come you’re here?” I asked. </p><p>“Well, I managed to convince my dad to let me come as long as Dorian came with me.” Briseis said. “We came back a few days ago and Helen is going to Paris with her parents, so I had nothing else better to do.”</p><p>I gestured to Dorian’s cast. “How’d you get that?” </p><p>Dorian squared his shoulders proudly. “You know how I had to spend the summer with my grandparents?” I nodded. “I couldn’t take it any longer, so I broke my arm and they sent me home.”</p><p>I raised my eyebrows, “what the fuck?”</p><p>Briseis was snickering behind her hand, Dorian leaned back into the sofa a bit. Shooting Briseis a frustrated glance. “Oi. Don’t laugh at me.”</p><p>Briseis just laughed louder, “but you make it so easy.”</p><p>“Isn’t that a tad dramatic? I mean you only had a few weeks left.” I said, eying the cast.</p><p>Dorian shook his head. “You don’t understand. It was torture<em>.</em>” <em>Try spending four weeks with Menoetius. </em>“They wouldn’t let me wear any clothes too ‘feminine’, have you seen my clothes?” Dorian’s wardrobe consisted mostly of knitted jumpers and limited-edition Doc Martins. </p><p>“What did they make you wear?” I asked.</p><p>“Grey joggers, baggy jean shorts and white t-shirts.” Dorian shuddered. </p><p>“I like grey joggers.” I frowned, looking down at my grey joggers and white vest.</p><p>Briseis was chucking again. “Oh, honey, we know.” </p><p>“Anyway,” Dorian said, “my grandad kept trying to take me on fishing trips, <em>I’m a vegetarian!</em>” Dorian pinched the bridge if his nose in distress. “And the worst part: they kept trying to set me up with girls. Literally <em>any </em>girl. I had to sit through so many dinners of me trying to communicate my gayness to whatever innocent girl they’d managed to set me up with.”</p><p>“Tell him about the sun cream.” Briseis said.</p><p>“Oh yeah, they wouldn’t let me wear sun cream, and my grandad wouldn’t let me help my nan with the picnics. They’re psycho. No straight person tries that hard to be straight.”</p><p>“But you’re so pale!” His cheeks and nose were irritably red, “that’s gruesome, how did they get away with it?” </p><p>Dorian shrugged. “<em>Then </em>they took away my earphones because I told them I was listening to Nicki Minaj. Which was the final straw. I jumped out of the car.” He held up his broken arm. </p><p>“That is <em>extremely </em>concerning.” I had an overwhelming urge to make it better, although I had no idea how. I also had a sudden urge to run upstairs and change. </p><p>“Well, they let me come home so it could heal properly. I’m just glad they didn’t tell me to suck it up like a man.”</p><p>“Couldn’t you have just faked an illness?” I asked.</p><p>“I didn’t really think it through.” </p><p>I couldn’t help myself, I tackled him into a hug. “I’m really sorry you had to go through all that.”</p><p>He sat still as a plank, “you’re feeling very huggy today huh?” Dorian said, wiggling his cast.</p><p>I drew back, “trying to act on reflexes.”</p><p>As I was sitting back on the armchair, Briseis said, “like Achilles.” Her eyes glinted. “Speaking of Achilles…” she wiggled her eyebrows.</p><p>Dorian gasped. “Wait. No way.” He looked at me with a befuddled expression. I smiled shyly. “<em>No way.</em>” His head snapped towards Briseis, who nodded. “<em>No fucking way.</em>” He said again.</p><p>“Yes fucking way.” I said, taken aback. </p><p>He fell back into the sofa, taking a moment to digest the news. Then he leaned forward in excitement. “Who kissed who? Did you tell him you loved him? Was it raining?” He swooned. “Did he whip you into his arms and carry you into the sunset?” Briseis was chuckling behind her hand. “Did you tell him that you say his name every time you-”</p><p>I covered my ears. “<em>Ok! </em>That’s enough.”</p><p>Briseis was wheezing with laughter. “I wanted to tell you so bad on the way here, but I wanted Pat to see your reaction.”</p><p>I mouthed a <em>thank you</em> at her. </p><p>Dorian sighed. “I was starting to think you two would keep moping for <em>no </em>reason until one of you collapsed.”</p><p>“Don’t give them ideas.” Briseis muttered. </p><p>Dorian wasn’t finished. “I thought you’d keep pining until it killed you. Or me.”</p><p>Briseis sat forward in her chair. “Or me. It’s not easy watching two morons be so moronic-”</p><p>“<em>Alright.</em>” I said, stuck between amusement and frustration. “I get it.”</p><p>“Shit.” Dorian said. “That means Helen won.”</p><p>Briseis put her head in her hands. “Yep.”</p><p>“I have to give her my yellow docs.” Dorian moaned.</p><p>“Well, I have to take down all the old movie posters on our room.” Briseis pouted. “So she can paint flowers all over the room. Oh, speaking of,” she looked at me, “would you mind painting flowers on our walls?”</p><p>Before I had chance to answer, my father stumbled into the room. “What’s all this racket?” He saw Briseis and Dorian, his demeanour changing so fast it was almost humorous. “Patroclus! I didn’t know you had guests over.” He ran a hand self-consciously though his beard. </p><p>A dainty woman, half his age, walked up to him. “Darling, let’s go back to bed.” She tugged at his arm. I hadn’t seen this woman before, she’d had bright red hair. Yesterday, the woman was brunette – Adonia. I liked to make them breakfast in the mornings, because I doubted my father was a very, erm, <em>considerate</em> lover.</p><p>“Yes.” He sent me a warning glance. “Make yourselves at home kids.” Then he followed the woman out of the room. </p><p>We sat in silence for a while, I sunk into my chair, embarrassed. “Is that your step-mother Pat?” Briseis asked. </p><p>“No.” I cringed. “They’ll be someone else tonight.” I had discovered that Menoetius spent his afternoons playing golf, his evenings in a pub and his nights with a prostitute. </p><p>“You look <em>nothing </em>like him.” Briseis said, I realised she had never met him before. Achilles would probably be annoyed that Briseis met my father before he did. Although, I’m not sure I ever want Achilles to meet Menoetius. He wouldn’t be able to refrain from punching him. <em>Is that such a bad thing? Yes. Shut up. </em></p><p>“I look more like my mother.” I said quietly.</p><p>“Luckily.” Dorian said, I snickered. “Wait,” he said, “why aren’t you snogging Achilles right now?”</p><p>“Ready for this,” Briseis said, “they got together and then immediately left each other. Plus, they can’t even text because Achilles’s mother doesn’t want him on his phone.”</p><p>Dorian groaned, “that’s so stupid.”</p><p>I frowned, “Achilles wanted to give me space to think about what I wanted, and vice versa.”</p><p>Briseis stared at me as if I were stupid. “Not three fucking months. I bet you’ve just been worrying this entire time.” I gave a slight nod. “I wanted him to give you space. Not tell you he loved you and let it sit with you all summer. Dense boy.” She tutted. </p><p>“Well, I guess you two will just have to keep my mind off him.”</p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Life wasn’t done spoiling me. Briseis visited at least once a week, sometimes, I even managed to purchase tickets to London. Dorian lived closer, so I saw him constantly. I only spent a few days alone every week. </p><p>I’d never minded being alone. I had friends in school, before I went to Phthia, but I didn’t form a close bond with anyone. I only spoke when I was expected to, providing answers that would result in the least amount of attention. I’d been labelled as the ‘quiet, nerdy kid’ in primary school, and it stuck. </p><p>They probably thought I was boring as fuck, I didn’t blame them. </p><p>I had my thoughts and my books. I felt content. I didn’t realise what I was missing. </p><p>“I’m on Patroclus’s team!” Dorian shouted, walking behind me.</p><p>I set the bag of water balloons on the floor, dividing them between us. Briseis crossed her arms. “There are only three of us.”</p><p>The sun warmed my bare shoulders. “Dorian’s a nuisance, not a teammate.”</p><p>Dorian gasped. “<em>Bitch.</em>” He pulled sunglasses out of his pocket, placing them on his nose. “I’m only staying on your team because you didn’t want me to.” He said, crossing his arms. </p><p>Briseis looked fierce, feet placed firmly on the past grass. “Whatever. I could beat both of you with my eyes closed.” </p><p>Dorian slathered more sun cream on his cheeks, “ugh I’m boiling.”</p><p>Briseis took half the water balloons from me. “Here’s a genius idea. Take off your fucking jumper.”</p><p>Dorian took off his sunglasses so he could look her in the eyes. “How <em>dare</em> you-”</p><p>I threw a surprise water balloon at Briseis, landing right on her chest. She smiled, “oh you little bitch.”</p><p>“Why do people keep calling me a bitch today?” I asked, innocently. </p><p>“Those muscles are making you cocky mate.” Dorian was leaning against a tree.</p><p>Briseis threw a water balloon at me with deadly accuracy. I let out a – manly – squeal.</p><p>I pulled at Dorian’s arm, “<em>Run.</em>”</p><p>I could see Briseis smirking as Dorian put his hands in his pockets, walking towards me. “I don’t run.” </p><p>Briseis launched a water balloon at Dorian, drenching his jeans. It was the middle of August. Dorian was wearing <em>jeans.</em> “Hey Pat.” Briseis shouted, taking cover behind a tree as I ran after her. “You have a type for dramatic bastards.” </p><p>“Tell me something I don’t know.” I shouted back, throwing one at her back. </p><p>She drenched Dorian’s flowery jumper. He shrieked, trying to hide behind me. “I hate this game.” He muttered. </p><p>I was trying desperately not to collapse into a fit of laughter because… “you watered the flowers.” I wheezed, pointing to the wet flowers on Dorian’s jumper. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Dorian and Briseis thought I was mad for going back to school as early as possible, but my patience was so thin I could see through it.</p><p>I’d spent all morning fretting about trivial things: what I should wear or if I had enough ties for school. I ended up running to Spar, ten minutes before my taxi, to buy Achilles’s favourite sweets. </p><p>In the car, I couldn’t sit still. I kept skipping songs and trying to make my hair less frizzy. By the time the car rolled into main driveway, I was a bundle of nerves. </p><p>Achilles stood up when he saw me, taking a hesitant step forward as I left the car. </p><p>My breath caught as I saw him, sun bouncing on the gold of his hair, bouquet of sunflowers in his hands. <em>He bought me flowers! </em>I wanted to melt into a puddle of happiness.</p><p>Shock over, he ran into me, as if unable to stop himself. I felt his embrace crash into me with the force of a rocket. He squeezed me tightly, “you’re squishing the flowers.” I rasped out. <em>Damn it Patroclus. That’s the first thing you say to him? </em></p><p>He let me go, flustered. “Ugh, right.” He shoved the flowers into my chest, “here you go.”</p><p>I grinned widely at him, “hey there stranger.” </p><p>I don’t know how long he waited at the entrance for me, but he was brimming with energy. The driver had taken my bags out of the boot, looking amused as Achilles grabbed them all. I thanked the driver before chasing after Achilles, who was halfway up the entrance steps. </p><p>“You really don’t have to carry my bags.” I called after him. </p><p>He looked back, smiling. “Wouldn’t want to squish the flowers again.”</p><p>Our room was exactly the same and I felt an overwhelming surge of comfort as I entered. Gone were the blank walls and silent rooms, back were trashy posters and wayward shoes.</p><p>Achilles placed my stuff down as I stood in the corner, trying to decide between leaping onto him or running away. Achilles made the decision for me, actively trying to calm down by sitting on his bed. </p><p>I sat on my bed facing him, fishing the rhubarb and custard sweets out of my pocket. “These are for you.” </p><p>He caught the packet in one hand, “thank you.” He smiled shyly, and I realised I’d never seen him so unsure. </p><p>We just stared in silence for a while, my mind raced with questions and worries. “You’ve grown.” Achilles said. </p><p>“That happens.” I replied, cringing slightly. A summer alone was definitely not our finest idea.</p><p>He laughed, “I’ve really missed you poppet.” </p><p>I swallowed. “I’ve missed you too loony.” </p><p>He laid face down on the bed, smothering his face in the pillow. “Ahh, I don’t know what to say.”</p><p>Relieved that he was just as nervous as me, I walked over to his bed. <em>Don’t think, just do. It worked last time. </em>I sat on the edge of his bed, placing my hand gently on his shoulder. He flinched, turning around to look at me. </p><p>He reached up slowly, as if expecting me to pull away as his fingers danced along my jaw. “Do you still want-”</p><p>“-yes.” I said. “Do you?”</p><p>“So much.” He sat up, passing me a sweet. </p><p>“How are we gonna do this?” I asked, <em>he’s sitting so close to me!</em></p><p>“We could go on dates. I want to do this properly. I want to woo you.” </p><p>I covered my face with my hands, chuckling. “Oh my gods.” I’m not sure if my cheeks were red out of embarrassment or because I was secretly enjoying it.</p><p>“We’re in sixth form now, we can leave the school whenever we want.” He was blushing profusely. “So we could do it as if we’d never met each other before.”</p><p><em>Yep. Definitely enjoying this. </em>“Like in the films where it’s extremely awkward and goes completely wrong.” </p><p>Achilles nodded. “Except it doesn’t go wrong.” He hadn’t taken his eyes off me the entire time, I only knew this because I hadn’t taken my eyes off him the entire time. “What do they say in those historical dramas you like?”</p><p>I blinked at him, my jaw starting to ache from smiling too widely. “You want to court me?”</p><p>“I could court you? You could court me?” His face scrunched up adorably. “We’ll just court each other.” He was fiddling with my jumper sleeve.</p><p>“That’s ridiculous.” I said.</p><p>“Oh. Right.” His expression soured. “Sorry, I can be a bit much.”</p><p>He started to pull away and my heart clenched, I grabbed his arm. “I love it.” </p><p>Achilles’s face lit up and my heart clenched again. “I love you.” He bopped my nose.</p><p>I twirled a piece of his hair around my finger. “I love you too.”</p><p>I stared at his lips as he pulled our foreheads together. “Yeah?” Achilles asked, softly. </p><p>“Yeah.” I leaned forward to kiss him, feeling dizzy. </p><p>He brought his fingers up to my lips, stopping my kiss just before he could feel it. I whimpered, “what’s wrong?” I asked. </p><p>He ran his fingers across my bottom lip before pulling away. “We can’t kiss before our first date.” He tutted. </p><p>“You just told me you loved me.” I replied, pouting. </p><p>He shrugged. “Couldn’t help it.”</p><p>I sulked back over to my bed. “Fine.” </p><p>I yawned, staring at our ceiling. Before I could blink, a heavy weight jumped half on top of me, kissing me senseless before I could figure out what was happening.</p><p>When I did figure out that Achilles was kissing me, I almost squealed. I ran my hand through his hair, grinning. </p><p>“Oh, stop being so smug.” He said, catching his breath.</p><p>I kissed his nose, “couldn’t help yourself?”</p><p>He pressed his cheek against my shoulder. “You make it too damn hard.”</p><p>“Maybe I should yawn and do absolutely nothing more often.” </p><p>He rolled his eyes fondly. “Plus, I think we’ve waited long enough.” </p><p>I snorted, “you can say that again.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Apologies that this isn’t packed with cute patrochilles moments, because my GAWD do you deserve them, but they’re coming ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Friends First</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Oh here we go…” I sighed.<br/>“What?” Patroclus asked. <br/>“You’re getting all sentimental and sappy.”<br/>Patroclus threw a dirty sock at me, “I’m not sappy.” </p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ahhh, sorry for the delay. I’ve got loads of exams over the next few weeks, so chapters will be slow until around the end of May. But then I have fuck all to do over the summer so it’ll be back to normal.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>I’m kissing Patroclus. Patroclus is kissing me. </em>I wanted to spend the entire day kissing him, I couldn’t get enough, we were just kissing and kissing and kissing…</p><p><em>Achilles, no. </em>I had to concentrate. We only had a couple days before everyone would be back. We’d have to stop kissing eventually because Patroclus would want to do schoolwork and I’d have to go to dance practice. <em>Ugh.</em></p><p>I wanted to take him on a date, but all I could think about were his hands tangled in my hair.</p><p>I ran my hand down his arm, across his shoulders, trailing down his chest, giggling. Patroclus pulled back, his swollen lips turned up into a smile. “Are you… giggling?”</p><p>“Yeah.” I giggled, twirling his hair.</p><p>His fingers danced over my cheeks, “why?”</p><p>I kissed him, “because.”</p><p>He was giggling into the crook of my neck, “because?”</p><p>My head was spinning as I sat up. “Let’s go on a date.”</p><p>He rested on his elbows, grinning. “Ok.”</p><p>I pecked him on the lips before scrambling off his lap. He whined, “why’d you leave?”</p><p>I rolled my eyes fondly, “date.” I held out my hand for him. </p><p>He gripped my hand, “oh yeah,” before pulling me back onto the bed and rolling on top of me. </p><p>I tutted, “can’t get enough?”</p><p>He shut me up with a kiss, long and filthy. <em>Fuck. </em>He pinned my wrists above my head, snogging me senseless. I gasped sharply as his mouth moved down my neck, sucking my collarbone. I closed my eyes at the overwhelming pleasure of it, before he jumped off me. </p><p>I blinked, “wuh-” </p><p>He smirked, <em>Patroclus is smirking?</em> “Date.” He said.</p><p>“You rat bastard.” <em>I love you. </em>I sighed. <em>Oh. Wait… </em>“I love you.” </p><p>His face lit up. “I love you too.” </p><p>I screamed into his pillow.</p><p>OoOoO </p><p>We caught a train to the nearest town, playing snap. It was nice to fall into our usual rhythm of conversation, as if nothing had changed. Well… I reached forward and grabbed his hand, squeezing tightly, <em>that’s changed.</em></p><p>He smiled shyly at me, which I thought was a bit weird, I’d been whimpering underneath him twenty minutes ago. It didn’t matter, Patroclus was smiling at me, holding my hand and losing at a game of cards. </p><p>He pulled away suddenly, sinking down in his seat a little. I furrowed my eyebrows, “what’s wrong?” </p><p>Patroclus’s eyes flickered over the seats opposite us, “don’t worry.” He chewed his fingernails, sighing, “that man’s just being all judgy.” </p><p>I spun around to see an old man staring at us over his newspaper, disdain clear on his face. I smiled at him, “you alright?”</p><p>Patroclus grabbed my arm, “<em>Achilles.</em>”</p><p>I turned to him, “Patroclus.”</p><p>“Just ignore him.” He said. </p><p>“I’d rather not, poppet.” </p><p>The man muttered something under his breath, </p><p>“I said, <em>you alright?</em>” The man just glared at me. “I know it’s difficult, but could you stop looking at us? It’s annoying.”</p><p>“Stop flaunting your homosexuality, there are kids about.” He said in a low voice. </p><p>I tried not to laugh, “stop flaunting your terrible clothes, there are kids about.” </p><p>The man went bright red, “disgusting.” He muttered, folding his newspaper and leaving the carriage. </p><p>Patroclus’s chest was shaking with laughter, I let out a breath of relief. “You’re not angry?”</p><p>“Nah, heard it all before.” He looked up at me, “you know you can’t start a fight with everyone like that.”</p><p>“I can bloody well try.” </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>I took Patroclus to a quaint little café, overlooking the sea. I ordered some tea and toast for us – Patroclus liked jam, I liked peanut butter. </p><p>A foreign feeling of nervousness washed over me; I was just so scared of messing this up. I was a terrible boyfriend to Deidameia, what if that meant I was incapable of being a good boyfriend? Were we even boyfriends? </p><p>“Sorry, this is a bit shit.” I said.</p><p>“What are you on about?” Patroclus smiled, sipping his tea. </p><p>“Well, it’s not exactly a fancy first date. I should’ve booked a restaurant or worn a suit.”</p><p>Patroclus chuckled fondly. “Don’t be silly, it doesn’t matter what we do.” Then his face fell, “wait, are you having a terrible time?”</p><p>“What? No, of course not.” </p><p>Patroclus smiled shyly, “good.” </p><p>We didn’t say anything, it wasn’t a comfortable silence, Patroclus was fidgeting nervously and I was staring at my toast. </p><p>I coughed. “So, what are we supposed to talk about?”</p><p>Patroclus shrugged, “hobbies? School?”</p><p>“We talk about all that anyway. How is this different from just hanging out?” </p><p>Patroclus shrugged again, biting into his toast. He looked around before picking up my mug, “I can do this now.”</p><p>I tried not to laugh. “Are you feeding me?” </p><p>Patroclus blushed, bright red. “Shut up and open your mouth.”</p><p>I swallowed. “Alright.”</p><p>Patroclus, still embarrassed, wasn’t paying attention as I leaned forward, he accidentally dropped the mug, spilling scalding hot tea down my top. “Fucking goat fucks!” I jumped out of my seat, ripping my t-shirt over my head. “Fuck!” </p><p>“Shit. Sorry.” Patroclus took my t-shirt and tried to wipe the tea off my stomach as I jumped up and down, swearing.                      </p><p>There was a red mark trailing down my stomach, Patroclus cringed when he saw he saw it. The shock wore off just as Patroclus dropped to his knees, <em>what the fuck? </em>He started blowing onto my stomach.</p><p>“Patroclus…” I looked up to see the entire café staring at us in silence, some people were halfway through putting something in their mouth. </p><p>He looked up at me, which was unbelievably hot, <em>now’s not the time. </em>He turned his head to the audience. Then he looked back at my red stomach, head directly in front of my crotch. </p><p>We both burst out laughing. </p><p>I grabbed his hand and hauled him up, leaving money on the counter before running out of the café. </p><p>We kept running until the café was a spot in the distance, before doubling over with laughter. “Fucking hell.” Patroclus wheezed. “I’m so embarrassed.” </p><p>We were in the middle of a field, the grass tickled my back as I laid down, “at least you’re wearing a top.” I chuckled. </p><p>Patroclus waved at the sheep before laying down next to me. “I’m <em>so </em>sorry. Do you want my top? Do you want to break up?” He covered his face in his hands, “are we even together?” </p><p>I turned to face him, the sun forcing me to squint. “Do you want to-” I swallowed, “be together?”</p><p>He calmed down, looking at me. “Yeah.” He rolled his eyes, “duh.” </p><p>I shoved him lightly. “Shut up.”</p><p>He expression sobered, “shit.” He checked his watch. “Our train.”</p><p>OoOoO</p><p>We collapsed on the train, barely making it. “You’re faster.” I said, “than before.”</p><p>Patroclus took a moment to catch his breath, before grinning timidly. “Thanks.” He rolled his shoulders, “not much to do over the summer.”                                   </p><p>“How was it?” I wanted to reach forward and hold his hand. <em>Wait… </em>I reached forward and held his hand, sighing contently. </p><p>“The first half was pretty gloomy but then,” his face broke into a smile, “Dorian and Bri came to see me. I spent the rest with them.”</p><p>The relief that he wasn’t alone overpowered the regret that I couldn’t be there too. “I’m glad.” </p><p>“Briseis visited once a week but Dorian was there almost every day.”</p><p>My grin dropped. “Did you- I mean-” <em>real smooth Achilles. </em>“Dorian. I mean it’s ok if you did because we weren’t even together. And the summer is a long time to wait. I mean wanking’s nice but it’s not the same.” <em>What the fuck am I on about?</em> “I’m just wondering-”</p><p>“Loony. Breath.” He squeezed my hand. “Nothing happened.”</p><p>I exhaled slowly. “Thank fuck.” I slumped back in my seat. “It would’ve been fine anyways.”</p><p>Patroclus raised his eyebrows, “sure.” He ran his fingers over my knuckles. “Did you get with anyone?” He asked quietly. “On holidays?”</p><p>“Nope.” I squeezed his hand.</p><p>“Good.” He smiled, as if he couldn’t help it. “Do you want my top?”</p><p>I realised I was still topless. I wasn’t cold, but I wanted Patroclus to take his top off either way. If he was cold, I could snuggle him. “Yes please.”</p><p>I watched shamelessly as he took his vest off, head resting in my hands. A look of realisation passed over his face as he watched me, he smirked as he handed me his top. It smelled like him. </p><p>He looked around self-consciously, but there was no-one in our carriage. He offered me an earphone, scrummaging through his bag for a book. I was happy to sit and watch him. </p><p>“Stop taking pictures of me.” He looked up from his book quickly.</p><p>“But you’re so <em>cute.</em>” I took another photo of him.</p><p>He glared at me, blushing. “Well, I can’t concentrate.”</p><p>“<em>Fine.</em>” I sighed. </p><p>He leaned forward and bopped my nose. “Achilles.” </p><p>I leant forward into his touch, “yeah?” I said, my voice embarrassingly high; I would never have let anybody else hear it. </p><p>“Don’t ask me to be your boyfriend today.” </p><p>My heart dropped. “Why not?” <em>Why is he smiling?</em></p><p>“Because I want to ask you tomorrow. For your birthday.” </p><p>“You beautiful bastard.” I shoved his hand away. “You know exactly what you’re doing.” </p><p>He shrugged, going back to his book. “Stop taking pictures of me.”</p><p>I crossed my arms, and he rolled his eyes. I smirked and took another picture, he just flagged me. “Be nice.” I said. </p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Moody bugger.”</p><p>OoOoO </p><p>Later, back in our, room, Patroclus changed into his pyjamas. He watched me as I stared at him, a small smile on his face. He put his clothes away neatly, “<em>that’s </em>why.”</p><p>“Huh?” His words snapped me out of a daze. </p><p>“<em>That’s</em> why you always watch me change.”</p><p>“Oh.” I smiled. “Because I fancy the bollocks out of you? Yeah.” </p><p>He blushed, I loved making him blush. </p><p>I stripped my jeans off, deciding to sleep in Patroclus’s vest. I realised he was watching me, as if he was finally allowed to. I jumped up and down. “And <em>that’s </em>why you did everything in your power <em>not </em>to watch me change.”</p><p>“What can I say? I fancy the bollocks out of you.” He said, mimicking me. </p><p>I jumped onto my bed, “get in line.”</p><p>Patroclus, to my disappointment, sat on his bed. “I can’t believe you’re seventeen tomorrow. You were barely fifteen when I met you.” He smiled to himself. </p><p>“Oh here we go…” I sighed.</p><p>“What?” Patroclus asked. </p><p>“You’re getting all sentimental and sappy.”</p><p>Patroclus threw a dirty sock at me, “I’m not <em>sappy.</em>” </p><p>“Yes. You are.” I put on my over exaggerated Patroclus voice. “Mr. Let’s listen to sad indie music and rewatch ‘The Half of it’ for the <em>millionth </em>time.” </p><p>Patroclus threw another sock at me, <em>where is he finding all these socks? </em>“Oh you like that shit just as much as I do.” </p><p>“I’m not sappy. I’m a man.” I said, sternly. </p><p>“You-” Patroclus burst out laughing. “Sure mate, tell that to your sparkly pink socks.”</p><p>“Mate?”</p><p>“Dorian.”</p><p>I chuckled, “right.”</p><p>“You’re not a man. You’re a boy.” Patroclus said, to wind me up; it was working.</p><p>“I’m a man.” </p><p>Patroclus jumped over to my bed. “Would a man…” he grabbed my hip, kissing my neck. I squealed. “Make that sound?”</p><p>“It was a very-” I screeched as he sucked on my collarbone, “-manly sound.”</p><p>Patroclus rolled next to me, a cocky smirk on his face. “If you say so.” </p><p>“Where did this side of you come from?” I wrapped my arms around him, drawing him close. </p><p>“No idea. It’s fun though.” </p><p>I snickered, “very fun indeed.”</p><p>My bed was not made for two grown boys, but I didn’t mind. Patroclus rested on my shoulder. It was calm and quiet but my heart was still beating so fast I could hear it in my ears, I wondered if it would ever calm down. </p><p>“Goodnight poppet.” I whispered into his ear. </p><p>“G’night love.” He mumbled. </p><p>My eyes snapped open; <em>did he just call me love? </em>I wanted to run around and scream, but I didn’t want to ruin it. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>I woke up to an empty bed. Grumbling, I sat up. I stretched and yawned loudly. <em>Ugh, morning breath.</em> I looked over to Patroclus’s bed, but it didn’t look slept in. I chugged a glass of water to wake me up, “Patroclus?” </p><p>I heard him gasp from the bathroom, before stumbling into our room. “Happy birthday loony.” </p><p>My mouth dropped open. “What the <em>fuck </em>are you wearing?” </p><p>“Remember the start of year ten when you bought us those silk pyjamas and kimonos?”</p><p>I nodded; mouth dry. </p><p>“You bought yourself a red one and me a black one, but I refused to wear it because I had sense.” His lip tugged up at the side. “It appears I’ve lost my sense.”</p><p>He stood in the middle of the room, wearing a black silk kimono from Victoria’s Secret. Except he’d grown about seven inches, so it barely covered his hips and clung to his chest, breaking at the seams. He was wearing boxers, but <em>still. </em></p><p>“Best. Birthday present. <em>Ever</em>.” I pounced on him. </p><p>OoOoO </p><p>We spent the day at the beach. I love dressing up as much as the next guy, but I’d spent all summer at lavish events. It was nice to roll up my trousers and spend time with Patroclus, without the pressure of other people. </p><p>We were resting on our hands, soaking in the September sun. I was halfway through a cone of chips. Patroclus tapped me, I looked down to see that he’d wrote ‘<em>boyfriend?</em>’ in the sand. I grinned at him. </p><p>“I’m scared.”</p><p>His eyes widened, “why?” </p><p>“Boyfriends break up. Friends can stay together forever, it doesn’t matter how many partners they have.”</p><p>“I can’t promise we won’t ever break up. But we’re still friends Achilles. We’ll always be friends, even if this romance thing doesn’t work out.” He spoke softly. </p><p>“So you’re saying that if we don’t stay together, we’ll still be friends?”</p><p>“I hope so. I don’t know what I’d do otherwise.” </p><p>I smiled at him. “Pinky promise.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>I held out my pinky, feeling ridiculous. “Friends first?”</p><p>He let his forehead rest against mine. “Friends first.”</p><p>I wanted to kiss him, but I thought that would kind of go against what I just said. Instead, I wrote in the sand. ‘<em>Boyfriends.</em>’</p><p>He kissed me with a smile, I grinned cheekily before leaping to my feet. “Race you to the sea.” </p><p>“Bastard.” He muttered, before running after me. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Never fails to amuse me to call a boy from school a ‘boy’ they get so offended it’s hilarious.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>